Like A Dog With An iPhone

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier on a busy Friday when I hear my coworker take a phone call from a guest who is calling about an online order that supposedly should have shown up.)

Coworker: “…yes, ma’am, of course. Let me check real quick. No, it doesn’t look like we’ve received an iPhone 8 for anyone today.”

Me: “The iPhone 8 hasn’t even come out yet, [Coworker]. There’s no way she ordered one.”

(My coworker told her this, and then told me that the lady claimed to have ordered it that morning and that it was definitely an iPhone 8 that was supposed to have magically arrived the day she ordered it. She then called back three times and demanded to speak to a manager, who told her the same thing and hung up.)

Washing Yourself Of This Customer

, , | Right | August 19, 2017

(I am 20, but have been working at my appliance store since I was 16, so am pretty knowledgeable on the products. An elderly lady calls enquiring about a new washing machine. I talk her through all the various machines which I think suit her needs, going over spin speeds, load sizes, special programmes, etc. She agrees on a model and I arrange a delivery and take payment. The day of delivery arrives and I get a call from the lady, who is furious! She is ranting about what kind of idiots do we employ and suchlike. She calms down enough that I can get a word in and ask her what’s wrong.)

Customer: “The idiot who I spoke to sold me a laundry machine! I wanted A WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “The model we delivered you is a washing machine, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, it’s the wrong kind. I wanted a DISH WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “…let me get the boss.”

They Don’t Have Book Smarts

, , , , | Right | August 18, 2017

(A customer comes to the desk as my colleague, to my left, informs their customer that they’ve taken a book out before.)

Customer: “I hate it when you lot tell me that.”

Me: “Oh. The computer tells us automatically and some people don’t remember what they’ve read, or don’t recognise the cover if it’s a reprint and don’t like to reread a book.”

Customer: “It’s none of your business what I read. I don’t think you should be able to see that.”

Me: *unsure if he’s joking* “Well, we see the books when you bring them to the desk anyway?”

Customer: *not listening* “Should be freedom of information or something like that…”

Me: “Well, I’ll try to remember not to tell you when you’ve taken a book out before. Did you want your other books renewed?”

Customer: “Yes, please. What ones do I have out?”

Me: *speechless*

Hasn’t Got The Energy To Deal With This

, , , , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(I used to work for one of the major energy suppliers in the UK. Over the years I heard all kinds of excuses not to pay the bill, some genuine, some just plain crazy. One of my favourites occurs when I am on the evening shift. A customer calls up, furious that we keep sending him bills.)

Customer: “I’m not paying because I don’t believe in paying for energy.”

Me: “You used the energy; you have to pay for it, whether you believe in it or not. I understand if you cannot pay all in one go and am happy to set you up with a payment plan, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No! I haven’t used any energy. I’m not paying for what I haven’t used.”

Me: “That’s not what the meter readings are saying.”

Customer: “Then your meters are faulty. I’m not using anything.”

Me: “You seem to be calling us from your home phone. Is that right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “It’s also dark out. Do you have a light on?”

Customer: “Well, of course I am. How could I see without it?”

Me: “Your phone uses energy and so do your light bulbs. You just admitted to using energy.”

Customer: “NO! Phones are just phone lines – they don’t use electricity. Also light bulbs use solar energy. I am NOT using any of your electric.”

Me: “Oh, do you have solar panels?”

Customer: “No! You don’t even need them. All light bulbs run on solar power. They’re LIGHT bulbs. Light is powered by light. You know, from the sun. Sun LIGHT.”

Me: “I can also hear a television or radio on in the background.”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s SATELLITE. It runs off the SATELLITE, not electricity. God, you people are so f****** stupid.”

(I pause for a moment and decide this is just one of those battles that isn’t worth fighting. We have lots of customers waiting and this customer doesn’t seem willing to budge.)

Me: “Unfortunately, it appears as though your appliances are using electricity because your meter readings are going up. This bill must be paid. If you do not clear your balance or set up an arrangement, we will go to court for a warrant, which will allow us access to your property to fit a prepayment meter to ensure the energy is paid for. This will also incur further charges to your account. I can set you up on a payment plan today to prevent this.”

Customer: “Go f*** yourself, you stupid b****. Go ahead. Take me to court. I’m not using any energy. You’ll never get that warrant!”

The Internet Of Dumb Things

, , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(A coworker and I are working at the customer service desk when a female customer comes up. She tells my coworker she wants to buy an item that she saw online. My coworker gets the item number and processes the sale.)

Customer: *at end of transaction* “I guess I could have just come in here in the first place instead of spending time looking at this online. I spent so much time on the website. I just wanted to pay cash. I was looking for the place to pay cash for it.”

Coworker: “Online?”

Customer: “Yeah. On the website. I couldn’t find where to pay with cash.”

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