Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 43

, , , , , | Right | March 2, 2021

I’m working in a library and a patron comes up for help, indicating her laptop.

Patron: “I can’t get my Wi-Fi on here.”

The words “my Wi-Fi” should be a clue, but I don’t really cabbage on to what she is saying.

Me: “Let’s see what we can do.”

I fuss with her computer, clicking on the appropriate icons and words until I get to the spot to choose the library’s Wi-Fi and get her on board.

Me: “And you are in!”

Patron: “No. That’s your Wi-Fi. I want my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “Your Wi-Fi.”

Patron: “I don’t want to use your Wi-Fi. I want to use my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patron: “At my apartment at [address halfway across town], we have Wi-Fi. I want to use my Wi-Fi. How can I use my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “You have to go home to your apartment to use their Wi-Fi. When you are here, you use our Wi-Fi.”

Patron: “No. I want to use my Wi-Fi here.”

She danced around with me and two colleagues on this issue every… single… time she came in.

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 42
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 41
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 40
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 39
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 38

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The Mac Versus Windows Battle Rages On

, , , | Legal | February 23, 2021

I receive a phone call from an unrecognized number. I know it’s likely a scam, but I’m bored so I answer.

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Generic Caucasian Name spoken in a foreign accent] and I’m calling because we received an alert that your computer has been infected.”

Me: “Oh, no! What will I do?”

Scammer: “You have to log onto your computer immediately and I’ll remotely access it to remove it for you.”

Me: “Okay! Which computer?”

Scammer: “Your Windows computer.”

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “The one with Windows on it.”

Me: “I have two computers. They both have Windows on them.”

Scammer: “…”

Me: “Just kidding. I have an iMac and MacBook. Can I still get a Windows bug, though?”

He hung up.

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Who Is Screening These Calls?

, , , , , | Right | February 21, 2021

I work for a divisional IT group in a municipal government. The first part of this exchange takes place via email.

Client: “Can you please open a ticket for a computer at [Rarely Visited Location]?”

Me: “We can definitely look into that. Can you please tell me which computer and what problems you’re experiencing with it?”

Client: “No. I don’t work at that location.”

Me: “Can you please give us the name of the person who reported the problem to you? We’ll need to speak to them to determine what’s required and what computer you need help with.”

Client: “You can just use me as the contact.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’ll need to speak with someone who knows: a) what computer it is, and b) what the problem is. It’s possible that the problem can be solved remotely, or it could be something we need to bring someone else in on, for example, our Internet provider, or maintenance if it’s a power issue. Once we have that information, we can dispatch a tech if required.”

Client: “Can you just send someone to check all of the computers in the building and make sure they’re working?”

Me: “As there are a few hundred computers in that building, I can’t send a tech to check all of them, especially when we don’t know what’s wrong with it. Unfortunately, we can’t troubleshoot a computer we don’t know anything about. If you receive any other communications about it, please have that person contact us via email at [email address] or phone at [phone].”

Five minutes later, I get a call from another user.

Me: “Hi, you’ve reached the [my division] IT Service Desk; how can I help you?”

Other Client: “Hi, yeah, I was told to call you?”

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with today?”

Other Client: “This computer isn’t working.”

I look up the caller’s information and realize that he is working out of the same [Rarely Visited Location] and is NOT part of our division. We don’t have administrative access to or authority over their equipment; they have their own on-site IT help.

Me: “Okay, I can see that you’re with another division. I may be limited in how much I can help you, but what’s the problem you’re experiencing?”

Other Client: “The screen’s black.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me if there are any lights on the monitor or the computer itself?”

Other Client: “No, no lights.”

Me: “Okay, can you please try turning the computer on?”

After about thirty seconds:

Other Client: “Oh, that did it! Thanks!”

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He Screen Shot And Missed

, , , , , , | Right | February 19, 2021

I work in customer service helping customers via phone and email. A customer emails in about an error message on our site, but I’m not able to recreate the error.

I ask him to send in a screenshot of what he entered and the error message he received, so that I can see if there’s something he’s doing that I’m not. I never receive a reply from him and just assume that he figured out the issue and managed to place his order.

Fast forward to about a week later when I receive an envelope on my desk. Upon opening it, I find a physical print out of the man’s screen, showing the error.

I’ve since specified that people should email me the screenshot, not just send it to me.

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Excuse Me Whilst I Delete My Twitter

, , , | Working | February 17, 2021

I’m a new member of the special forces in the military. Which unit and which country, I won’t say.

We’ve just passed the gruelling training course and this is our first day on the job. Our commanding officer, a one-star general, calls us to a conference room and begins giving a speech to us. The first part is the usual “I’m proud that you passed, welcome to the team, and I have high standards, but I expect everyone to be capable of meeting them” speech. 

General: “And now, for the important part. As Sun Tzu said, ‘Know your enemy and know yourself, and you will prevail.’ Now that everyone here is a certified [Special Force Unit] member, I will brief you on our true enemy.”

Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

General: “This is an enemy that is invincible. Omniscient. Unbeatable. At best, we may scrape out a draw. I want each and every one of you to take this to heart. The only way to win is to avoid fighting it. Keep your heads down and pray that it does not notice you.”

A ripple of shock and fear goes through the room. The general is speaking with such conviction. He believes that this enemy is invincible; that is rather surprising. We start trying to anticipate which country it is.

General: “Yes, you all know which enemy I am referring to. It is our nemesis. The bane of our existence. It is…”

He takes a deep breath. The room is utterly silent. Everyone is frozen, rapt with attention.

General: “Social media!”

Silence reigns for ten seconds.

Me: “What?”

General: “I am serious. This is the one enemy we cannot shoot dead — the one we can’t beat.”

He started up a slide show showing all sorts of fellow soldiers in compromising positions, beginning a lecture on the importance of good PR, behaving well, not doing anything, even when off duty, that could compromise the image of the corps. He reminded everyone that the walls not only have ears, but they have eyes, cameras, and microphones and proved that one civilian with a smartphone is enough to cause major budget cuts and extra regulations.

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