Customer: “I want a phone case.”

Me: “We have a wide selection right here, ma’am. Were you after anything specific?”

Customer: “I want one that will block all the signals.”

Me: “Block… all… the signals?”

Customer: “Yeah, all the signals. The signals are bad for you and give you headaches. I saw it online. I want to block them.”

Me: “The signals are what make your phone work, ma’am. It wouldn’t be very helpful to have a case that blocks them.”

Customer: “So you don’t sell any?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Typical, just like the last store. Okay, do you at least have a case that blocks the cancer?”

A customer comes over holding a wireless keyboard still in its box.

Customer: “Hey, quick question. Do I need the internet for this to work?”

Me: “Nope, just batteries and a device with Bluetooth or a USB receiver.”

Customer: “Because last time I bought wireless earbuds, they didn’t work.”

Me: “They could have been faulty, but it could also have been an issue with what you were trying to connect the earbuds to.”

Customer: “What do you mean by connecting them to?”

Me: “Like, what you’re listening to, like your phone or tablet, or TV.”

Customer: “But they’re wireless.”

Me: “Wireless means they don’t need wires, but they still need to connect to something.”

Customer: “But they come with the music, don’t they?”

Me: “No, sir. They need to connect to something to work.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid.”

Me: “Sir, you’re buying this wireless keyboard, yes? When you start typing, where do you expect the words to appear?”

Customer: “On my screen!”

Me: “Your screen, which is connected to your computer, which your keyboard is connected to.”

There is a momentary pause as the customer considers what I just said.

Customer: “It’s still stupid!”

I later overheard him talking to a younger customer near the store entrance, likely his son:

Customer’s Son: “Wait, so you’re telling me you were trying to connect your earbuds to nothing? Yeah, they’re not the stupid ones…”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 49
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 48
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 47
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 46
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 45

Customer: “I want a wifi tablet for my computer.”

Me: “Well we sell a lot of tablets, and most can connect to a computer via wifi. What do you need it to be able to do?”

Customer: “Just the usual typing and stuff.”

Me: “Hmm, I’m not sure why you’d need a tablet just for that, but anyway this is our range.”

Customer: “Where are they?”

Me: *Gestures to the range.* “Right here, sir. These are all our tablets.”

Customer: “No they’re not! I need a wifi tablet for my computer!”

He quickly scans the store, and marches over to the keyboards.

Customer: “Here they are!”

Me: “Sir, these are keyboards.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a wifi tablet in my opinion, so I’ll call it a wifi tablet.”

Related:
Who Needs Facts When You Have Opinions?, Part 2
Who Needs Facts When You Have Opinions?

It is back when the iPhone 4 has been released. A customer walks in.

Customer: “Gimme that new iPhone.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. Let’s get that set up for you.”

We go through all the steps. No problems at all. About half an hour later he walks in, visibly upset.

Customer: “Why did you sell me a phone with so much water damage?”

I’m a bit dumbfounded because I personally unwrapped the new iPhone in front of him.

He hands me the phone and the source of his anger was the default iPhone4 background.

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 30
H2-Slow, Part 29
H2-Slow, Part 28
H2-Slow, Part 27
H2-Slow, Part 26

I’m working at the self-checkout station when a customer waves me over.

Customer: “Hi, I think this machine is broken. It won’t let me scan this banana.”

I walk over and see a single loose banana on the scanner.

Me: “Ah, for produce, you have to press the ‘Lookup Item’ button and choose it from the list.”

Customer: “So… it doesn’t know it’s a banana?”

Me: “Unfortunately, not yet.”

Customer: “But my phone can recognize a banana in a photo. Are we saying this huge machine is dumber than my cat filter app?”

Me: “…Yes.”

I show her how to select “banana”, and weigh it.

Customer: “Tell your corporate to give it Google… or a banana detector!”