I’m On The Google Fiery Fox

, , , | | Right | May 31, 2019

Me: “What browser are you on?”

Client: “Google.”

Me: “Google Chrome?”

Client: “No, just regular Google.”

Me: “That’s the site. I want to know the browser.”

Client: “Google.”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Look, we can have this conversation forever, man. But when I hit the Internet logo, Google comes up!”

Me: “Okay… What does that ‘Internet logo’ look like?”

Client: “A fiery fox, I guess. But that’s irrelevant.”

The Mother Of All PEBCAKs

, , , , , | | Related | May 23, 2019

(I love my mother and she’s a good parent, but everyone has their flaws. Hers is an inability to ever admit that she’s wrong about something. She’s an intelligent and highly-educated person, and also very stubborn, and it is impossible to get her to believe that she could be mistaken about something. It leads to situations like this a lot:)

Mom: “D*** it, the Internet is out again!”

Me: “Oh, it is? Let me unplug and replug the wireless router–“

Mom: “Don’t do that; it won’t help. It’s the terrible company we had to switch to. I knew their service was going to be awful. This happens several times a week.”

Me: “Well, let me do it just in case. I’ve done it before when it stops working, and lots of times it will reconnect a few minutes after.”

Mom: “I said no! That’s not the problem.”

Me: “Can I just try? It can’t make it worse.”

Mom: “[My Name], look.” *points at her screen and gives me an exasperated look* “See how this icon is lit up, and this one isn’t? This means the router is fine; it’s the wireless service. Messing with the router won’t help.”

Me: “I swear it’s worked for me before. Can’t I just—”

Mom: “Please just don’t touch it! For Pete’s sake, I built a computer from scratch once! Why won’t you believe I know what I’m talking about? Just leave it alone.”

(I had to wait about twenty minutes until she left the room for something, and then I unplugged the router, waited a few seconds, and plugged it back in. In about a minute, the Internet worked fine again, the same way it did nine times out of ten whenever I did this trick. My mom may have minored in Computer Sciences in the ’70s, taken a refresher course in the late ’90s, and used several different types of programs at her job, but I can recognize a basic action/reaction model. Luckily, the router’s been moved to my room, so now I can do it before she even notices anything’s wrong.)

Radio Killed Whatever He Had In Store

, , , | | Working | May 21, 2019

(My coworkers and I use portable radios to communicate. Each area has a call sign, 011-019. Management uses 001-009, with the lower signs being reserved for higher and higher levels of management. One morning I hear a call sign on the radio, 000, the big boss.)

Boss: *via radio* “Calling [Far-Off Area].”

Coworker #1: *via radio* “Yes, 000? How can I help?”

(There is no response from the boss, then, a few minutes later.)

Boss: *via radio, sounding angrier* “[Far-Off Area], come in!”

Coworker #1: *via radio* “I read you, 000.”

(Once again no response from our boss, until…)

Boss: *via radio, audibly annoyed* “[Next Area Over], come in!”

(Our boss proceeds to call every area, including mine. He then slowly works down the list of supervisors and managers. Each call and response takes a few minutes totaling up to 30 minutes of one-sided conversations. Our boss keeps getting more and more frustrated as it appears he is not receiving any answers! Finally:)

Boss: *via radio, practically shouting* “[Manager with whom he shares a large office], are you there?”

(Then, we all hear a distant voice through the Boss’s radio.)

Manager: “Hey, 000, turn your f****** volume up!”

(A thirty-second pause.)

Boss: *via radio* “All operators, I apologize. I seem to be having some technical difficulties.”

(Everyone I could see with a radio doubled over with laughter. We never did find out what he needed [Coworker #1] for.)

No Reply I Can Give That You’d Be Happy With

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2019

(I work for the customer service of a web-store. I get this call:)

Client: “I keep on mailing, but I just won’t get a reply!”

Me: “That is strange; all mails are answered.”

Client: “Oh, so, he’s doing this on purpose?!”

Me: “Let me look into your file… No, I don’t see any emails. I don’t think we received any. Where did you mail to?”

Client: “To Mister No-Ree-Plee.”

Me: “I don’t know that name; which department is he from?”

Client: “How should I know?! He always mails me when I order something, but never responds when I mail back.”

Me: *things start to clear* “Sir… are you talking about our ‘No Reply’ email address?”

Client: “Well, maybe you pronounce it like that… Go talk to him!”

Me: “Sir… ‘No Reply’ means you can’t respond to this email. If you want to contact customer service, you should use [address].”

Client: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?! And who have I been mailing with, then?!”

Me: “That would be our computer, then.”

Client: “Can’t you tell him to mail back that I used the wrong address?!”

Electronic Moronic

, , , , , , | Working | May 3, 2019

This happened several years ago when PCs were relatively new and networking wasn’t really a thing. We connected to a mainframe computer for email and for other functions.

I needed a document from someone, preferably in electronic form. I called her and asked if she had an electronic copy. No, she didn’t, but she could give me a copy if I brought a disk for her to put it on.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that, to her, “electronic” meant that it was in her electronic mail. Having it stored on her PC and transferring it to a disk was something else.

I think…

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