Literally Forgot The World

, , , | | Learning | August 18, 2019

(I am doing a geography test when I realise that we didn’t get atlases, even though we need them for the test. We aren’t in the geography classroom where the atlases are kept, either, so a classmate and I go to that classroom where a different test is going on. The teacher surveilling that test is my biology teacher in a different year. To get to the closet with all the atlases he has to ask a kid doing his test to move his table, and though he assumes at first we only need two, we need to keep coming in and out for all the books for the entire class. He just looks at us with the most deadpan look.)

Teacher: “Who is your geography teacher?”

Me: “Ms. [Geography Teacher].”

Teacher: “Kill her.”

Wasting Precious Time And More Precious Coffee  

, , , , , | | Right | August 16, 2019

I work as a barista at a chain known for getting tough customers with crazy customized drinks, but we’re used to it.

We have this regular who always orders this crazy drink with all kinds of additions; 8.5 pumps of caramel in his venti caramel frap instead of four, fewer coffee pumps but extra espresso, java chips but not as much as usual, and so on. 

He also has a thing for new baristas — he really likes to get on their nerves — and even though I’d worked there for at least eight months, this was my first time actually making his drink. It was my time to shine! 

So, I followed the exact, ridiculous instructions on the cup. When I was done pumping the syrup, this man said, “No, that’s six! There wasn’t any syrup coming from the first few pumps!” 

There was definitely syrup coming out of the first few pumps, but when you’re a barista at [Coffee Chain], the customer is basically a deity. 

So, I poured out the contents of the cup, rinsed the cup, and started all over again, making sure he could see what I was doing and that I was doing it right.

By this point, a whole-a** line of drinks had been built up and my bar support was nowhere to be found. 

I was ready to finish his drink by topping it off with whipped cream when he literally pulled out the cup from underneath and swirled the contents around and went, “Yeah, you know, I can already tell this has too much ice in it.” 

I was getting a bit tired of the guy, naturally, and a bit panicked about the number of customers waiting to get their drinks. But of course, I said, “Well, I can make it again for you if you like. I’d rather make sure you like your drink!” 

“No, never mind,” he said. “I don’t have time for this. Finish it up so I can leave.” 

As he requested, I finished the drink and handed it out to him, saying that I hoped he liked it and wishing him a nice day.

I continued making the other drinks in line as he walked over to the condiment bar to grab a straw and take a sip. He then looked over to me and basically yelled, “Well, I don’t know about you, but, this drink is awful and I hate it.” 

After that, he poured the contents of his eight-dollar frap into the trash can, followed by an empty cup, and left. 

I bet he still was thirsty, because he returned a few hours later, really noticeably shattered about the fact that my shift wasn’t over yet.

Be Glad You Didn’t Send Him Out For A Flux Capacitor

, , , , , , | | Working | August 12, 2019

(Some painters are painting our house inside and outside, so they are there for some weeks. The boss is constantly pranking his employees. At one time, he sends a young employee to get a skirting-board ladder. The boy gets in his car and leaves. Four hours later, he still hasn’t returned and the boss calls him on his phone.)

Boss: “Where the h*** are you? “

(Inaudible answer from the boy.)

Boss: “You are at home playing video games? Come back now!”

(The boy returns and the boss starts chewing him out.)

Boy: “I knew skirting-board ladders do not exist. So, I just had a relaxed time wondering how long it would take you to realise that your prank wasn’t all that good. Now, do you want me to get some striped paint, double-sided masking tape, brushes made of mink, or a square paint roller? I can go look for them…”

(All the other painters laughed and the boss look very embarrassed. To be fair, the boss did pay the boy for the four hours he was at home playing video games, but he also cut back on his pranks.)

Calico-No-No

, , , , | | Friendly | August 10, 2019

(When my boyfriend goes to a party for one of his old college friends, another college friend tells him that her cat is pregnant and almost due to give birth. My boyfriend and I have been thinking about getting a kitten for some time now, so my boyfriend thinks this is the perfect opportunity to get one. He immediately expresses interest in adopting a kitten once they are born, and the college friend agrees to let us have one and keep us posted. Three weeks later…)

Boyfriend: “I haven’t heard from [Friend] yet about that pregnant cat. Let me text her.”

(He gets a text back saying that the cat gave birth two weeks ago.)

Me: “I thought she would keep us posted?”

Boyfriend: “Maybe she forgot. Let me make an appointment, so we can choose which kitten we want before we can take it home.” 

(Kittens need to stay with their mother for at least eight weeks.)

Boyfriend: “All right, I made an appointment to go see the kittens in two weeks. She couldn’t make time earlier than that.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable. I’m so excited!”

(It’s five days before the appointment and we get a text from that friend.)

Friend: “I hope you don’t mind, but I gave every kitten away except one. Is that a problem?”

Us: “What?! Of course, that is a problem! We wanted to choose our own kitten! We wanted a calico cat and now all you have left is a grey-white!” 

(There were four calico kittens and one grey-white.)

Friend: “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted to choose.”

Us: “Why else do you think we made that appointment?! We made that specifically so that we could choose our own kitten!”

Friend: “So, do you still want that kitten?”

Us: “Actually, no. We are not going to be treated like this. You failed to inform us in the first place that the kittens had been born, you scheduled an appointment with us quite late because you couldn’t sooner, and now you’re taking away our choice?! What do you think they are? Stuffed animals? We were really looking forward to a kitten, but we are now going to search for another litter of kittens. Thanks for nothing!”

(We never heard from her again about this matter. [Friend], please take into consideration that with real animals, there are real human emotions attached to the choosing process. I really hope you won’t disappoint future cat adopters if your cat is pregnant again.)

 

Their Reaction Was Gold(fish)

, , , , , | | Working | August 2, 2019

(I work in the office of a multinational company that has a pet goldfish. Whenever coworkers clean the tank, I just walk away, because I am honestly horrified by how they treat that poor fish. They are the kind of people that are convinced they know what they are doing but are horrible at it. Going to a manager is useless, because they think I am overreacting. Besides, it is “just a fish.”)

Coworker #1: “Hey, I’m tired of cleaning that tank.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it’s always such a hassle, grabbing that fish.”

(Yes, they grab him with their hands and then toss him in a bucket with water.)

Coworker #1: “Not to mention all that cleaning of the pebbles with dishwasher soap… How about we flush that thing?”

(I am terrible at reading people when it comes to joking. I can be fooled easily and believe whatever people tell me. Yes, I know I am pretty gullible; I do my best, but I’m in my mid-30s and still have this issue. I also often take things literally.)

Me: *thinking they are joking* “Ha! That fish is so big, he would clog up the sewer!”

Coworker #1: “You know, you’re right. Let’s toss him into the canal.”

Coworker #2: “How about the office garden? I saw a heron yesterday; I bet he’d love a goldfish for lunch!”

Me: *realizing they are not joking* “Oh, well, if you are serious about this, I could take him in?”

(I am not looking for a pet, but I don’t want this fish to die, especially not because of these two. I used to have an aquarium as a kid and I still have everything from back then.)

Coworker #2: “Oh, you can’t! It’s not our fish!”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, he was bought especially for [CEO]. We promised we would take care of him.”

Coworker #2: “But, if he says it’s okay…”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, you can always ask him!”

(They walk away, giggling. Adult women, giggling like teenagers. However, I don’t catch their actual motive: setting me up to fail and get upset about that “poor little fish” — which was huge, by the way. All I hear is that I just have to ask the CEO. The CEO is the one who has appeared on TV, has expensive clothes, cars, etc., and is spoken to with the utmost respect by everyone. You do not just barge into his office. You cannot reach him without an appointment through the secretary of his secretary — well, that last part is an exaggeration — unless you are me, apparently. I just open my business email, open the address book, look up his name, and send him an email.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [CEO]. I work at [Department] and we are taking care of the fish that once belonged to you. My coworkers no longer wish to take care of him and I wonder if I could adopt him. I am awaiting your reply.”

(About half an hour later:)

CEO: “Hello, [My Name]. Sure, you can have him. To be honest, I thought he was already long gone. Take good care of him!”

(When I tell my coworkers, blissfully unaware of their scheme, their jaws drop and they can’t believe I actually emailed the CEO! Within the day, I am known as the girl who “just emailed the CEO about a fish.” They then joke that he will probably die very soon, as goldfish only live a few years and he is probably already three or four years old. However, when my mom picks me and my new pet up — I needed safe transportation last-minute — she says:)

Mom: “That’s the fish?! Sweetie, that type of goldfish can live up to 20! Those coworkers of yours have no idea what they were talking about!”

(So, that’s how I got my goldfish and now, about ten years later, I still have him. I even got him a bigger tank this year and my husband adores him!)

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