Won’t Be Ringing Him Up

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 25, 2019

I worked in a jewelry shop and it was close to Valentine’s Day. A lot of men came in to buy some jewelry for the occasion, and we had some strange requests, but there’s one man that I’ll never forget.

He came in and wanted to see some diamond rings to give to “the love of his life.” I didn’t think too much of it since he was wearing Armani clothes and had a Rolex watch and some expensive rings on his fingers. He finally decided on one ring, but when I told him that that would cost 1250 Euros, he was shocked and wanted to see some cheaper rings.

So, I presented him some rings in the 500-Euro range. No, too expensive, but he wanted the best for the love of his life. Okay, some rings in the 250-Euro range? No, too expensive for the love of his life. 100 Euros? No, too expensive. Twenty minutes later, he still couldn’t decide on some cheap rings for the love of his life.

Finally, a customer next in line who saw it all happen came up with this: “Hey, Buster, why don’t you head to [Big DIY Store] and buy a copper curtain ring? The last time I was there, they were 25 cents each. Should be just about right for the love of your life. Or you could buy her an angle grinder; they’re on sale now.”

While I saw some customers grin and smirk, other customers in the shop laughed out loud. The rich guy turned red and sneaked out of the store. Of course, I gave the customer who spoke up a discount for chasing that cheapskate out of the store.

I guess you only become rich by not spending any money. Not even on “the love of your life.”

Conserve Your Money When Dealing With This Family

, , , | Legal | March 24, 2019

(Eighteen years ago, I got a new landline phone number. This number previously belonged to someone else and it had been unused for twelve months after they got a new number. r Most debts seem to have been made long after they changed phone numbers. Every time someone calls for them, I ask when this debt occurred and tell the person on the other end that I suspect they are giving out my number because they already know they’re not going to pay for the goods or services. Every single one of the companies calling me is helpful and I establish that my hunch is correct. They are only giving out my number when they aren’t going to pay. Not once has any family member or friend called for them. Fast forward some five years. My landline rings:)

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Yes, hello. I’m [Caller] from [Bespoke Glazing and Conservatory Store]. I’m calling about the order you’ve placed. We still have a few questions.”

Me: “Are you calling for [Other Person]?”

Caller: “Yes, is he available?”

Me: “I don’t know; he doesn’t live here. But let me guess. He came in not too long ago and ordered something from you. He then proceeded to give this phone number as his?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Yeah… They do that only if they intend not to pay for the goods. They’ve been doing this for the last five years.”

Caller: “What? They’ve ordered a bespoke conservatory costing at least €20,000.”

Me: “Well, you have their address, right? Go there and tell them you’ve heard this. If I can give you one piece of advice, do not order that conservatory before they pay a lump sum up front. And even if they do that, be careful. I can give you a list of debt collection agencies who’ve been calling for them in the last few months.”

Caller: “Well… Hmm… That is really not what I wanted to hear. But thank you. I think you just saved us a lot of money.”

Me: “I’m sure I have.”

(We kept an eye out because we knew where they lived. That conservatory never got erected.)

Drowning In Bad Parenting

, , , | Related | March 22, 2019

(I am a volunteer at a swimming club that completely runs on volunteers. We have our licenses, but we are not hired professionals who teach on a daily basis. As a result, we have fewer students than the pool’s own swimming school. We also teach more than the pool’s swimming school, from the actual “how to swim,” to water polo, snorkeling, survival, etc. In order to get children to participate in sports more, one large supermarket chain has Sports Weeks, where you can save stamps and when you have a full card, you can sign up for three free lessons at a sporting club of choice. This is one of the ways our club hopes to get more students, so we always participate, and usually, the kids end up in my group for their first lesson. I teach in the pool that is three metres deep; you need to have your basic swimming certificate to swim there, which is mentioned in the rules.  At Sports Weeks, I get a batch of children and adults, but when I’ve just started my lesson, a late-comer comes in with his mother. It’s a little boy, about five years old. I immediately sign one of the coordinators over, because of an uneasy feeling.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Here for Sports Weeks?”

Mother: *speaks with an accent and minimal Dutch* “Yes, yes. My son is here for Sports Weeks.”

Me: “Well, the lesson already started, but he is welcome. Which certificate does he already have?”

Mother: “Yes, yes. He here for swimming lessons.”

Me: “Eh, but which certificate does he have? Does he have A? B? Or C?”

(Our basic national swimming certificates go from A, the first, to C, the last.)

Mother: “Yes, yes, swimming lessons.”

Me: “Ma’am… can he swim?!”

Mother: “Yes, yes… swimming lessons! My boy swim very good!”

(At this time the coordinator has reached me and overheard me.)

Me: “Ma’am, please talk to [Coordinator]; she will assist you.”

(I return to my lesson, which was already taken over by my father, who is also a volunteer and saw me talking to the mother. Since he’s my father and we have been teaching together for over a decade, we are quite in sync, so we just take over when we think the other needs help or needs an extra pair of eyes. Eventually, the mother and child leave, and after class, the coordinator talks to us.)

Coordinator: “You were absolutely right, [My Name]; that kid couldn’t swim at all!”

Me: “Maybe she misunderstood the rules of Sports Weeks?”

Coordinator: “No, she understood it. She just thought that she could use this to bypass the waiting list and have her child get free basic swimming lessons. She honestly thought three lessons was enough to teach her child how to swim! She didn’t understand why we wouldn’t allow her child to swim along, and she called us racists.”

Me: “She… What?!”

Coordinator: “Apparently, refusing a child who can’t swim and will drown the moment he jumps into the pool is racism. She said she will write the head of Sports Weeks and we will be banned from the list.”

(We did get the complaint sent through, but with the mention, “We laughed really hard about this,” and a new list of participants.)

Justice Fit For A Big TV Special

, , , , | Learning | March 15, 2019

I’m the IT guy of a primary school. The school is located in a wealthy area which means that the school also is fairly rich.

We purchase some 80-inch touchscreen TVs, and they have been demonstrated to the parents to show how teachers are going to use them.

Skip a few weeks. It’s a vacation and there’s no one in the school except me and some people hired to clean the floors. While I’m sitting in my office I notice a group of elderly men carrying cases of beer into the building. I go up to them and ask what they are planning.

One of the men looks at me with a smug smile on his face and tells me that he and his friends are going to use one of the TVs to view an important football match, and that it’s okay because he’s the chairman of the parent council. I’m not impressed, but I call the principal anyway.

The principal is more furious about people bringing beer into the school than that they want to use the TVs to watch a game. I get the order: “Kick them out. Call the police if that is what it takes.”

So, that’s what I do. I tell them that their party is cancelled and that they have to leave or I’ll have to call the police. Of course, I get the, “Do you know who I am?” and, “I’ll have you fired,” spiel.

I tell them, “No, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care, so get out or I’ll call the police.” The men show some wisdom and leave the school.

It turned out that they emailed a letter of complaint to the principal demanding that I be fired and threatening to stop their donations to the school. The principal replied that I’m not going to be fired and that bringing beer into the school just wasn’t acceptable, not even if you’re the chairman of the parent council

He “accidentally” sent his answer to all members of the parent council. The chairman resigned and donations to the school increased. Turned out that a lot of parents really hated the now ex-chairman for being a condescending t***.

Hips Don’t Lie, And They’re Telling Me She’s A B****

, , , , | Friendly | March 14, 2019

(I have bad hips due to working too hard as a mail deliverer, meaning I had to quit my job and can only take desk jobs now. My bad hips are worst in winter, but in summer I can be lucky and have less pain. I take the tram home and it’s rush hour. A woman and I both enter the tram at the same time via different doors and reach a single empty chair. I reach it slightly before her. Since my hips are being nice to me, I decide to stand for a while and offer this seat to the sweet old lady before me.)

Me: “Feel free to take this seat, ma’am.”

Lady: “You’d better! I was here first!”

Me: *ticked off* “Well, pardon me for offering you this seat, ma’am!”

(The old lady huffs while she sits down and I take a standing spot. And what do you know, my hips start acting up and the pain slowly increases with time. Meanwhile, the old lady keeps on staring at me, giving me a stink eye. After a few stops, a seat finally empties and I can take that seat. A few stops after that, the old lady leaves, but not before stopping at my seat.)

Lady: “Well, are you sitting nicely now, at your own little seat?!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is saying more about you than it does about me.”

Lady: “Yes, it does! It says you are a rude little b****! You must be very proud of yourself!”

(She leaves the tram in a huff.)

Other Woman: “What was that all about?!”

Me: “Oh, I offered my seat to her and she told me off.”

Other Woman: “Pwah! She’s lucky she even had a chair! If she was this rude to me, I would have taken that chair and let her stand. Would’ve probably taught her some humility!”

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