Dad Is Applauding From The Great Gas Station In The Sky

, , , , , | Right | July 27, 2021

My dad owned an independent gas station. When he passed away, I ended up taking it over and running it.

In comes a customer with that particular swagger of somebody who “knows” that he’s getting his way. I carefully brace myself for the upcoming battle and put on a professionally friendly expression. He comes up to my register and tells me that he’s a good friend of [Father] and he always gets a discount.

All professional pleasantry drains from my face and I give him an ice-cold look.

Me: “You’re a liar. Please leave.”

He turns an interesting shade and roars that he’ll have my job.

Me: “First of all, you couldn’t handle my job. Second of all, [Father] was my father. Third of all, my father died four years ago, and all of his friends attended his funeral. So, no, you are not his friend and you will not be getting a discount.”

I almost wish I could translate the choked noises coming from the back of his throat to text. He turned some interesting colors, and then he fled at top speed and I haven’t seen him come back.

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Zombies Need Bank Accounts, Too

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of helping today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m [Customer], and I’m just calling to see if you all think I’m dead.”

Me: “Um… What?”

Customer: “I just want to make sure that you all don’t think I’m dead. You see, I recently had an issue with [Different Bank], and when I went in to resolve it, they informed me that I’m dead. But I’m not and I want to make sure you guys don’t think that, as well.”

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “Well, you sound very alive to me, but let me check your account.” *Checks the account* “Looks like we have you listed as alive and well!”

Customer: “Oh, good. You know, my mortgage is with [Different Bank], and if they’re saying I’m dead, then I shouldn’t have to pay on it anymore!” *Laughs*

Me: *Laughing with the customer* “It’s definitely strange that they think you’re dead.”

Customer: “Really is. You know… I should be careful. If everyone thinks I’m dead, my wife might just attach some cinder blocks to my feet, toss me in the river, and make it official!”

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What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: jcstan05 | July 8, 2021

I am a headstone designer. Years ago, a gentleman came to the shop looking to buy a grave marker for himself. He was in good health; he was just getting his affairs in order. Ordering a headstone pre-need is a good decision for a few reasons, including the fact that you can choose what goes on it.

Our client wanted us to engrave something pretty crude. I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but it included an F-word and would definitely cause some backlash in my small town. The cemetery, not surprisingly, rejected our proposal. I’m willing to engrave whatever my client wants on a stone, but we’re constrained by the graveyard’s regulation: no inappropriate images or wording should appear on the memorial. Bummer.

We found a workaround: we engraved the scandalous epitaph on the bottom side of the stone. That way, nobody had to know what was under there, and my customer “could read it and laugh for all eternity.”

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Take It To Your Grave

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 18, 2021

I had a client come into my office to deal with her brother’s estate. Her brother, unmarried and childless, had known he was terminal for almost a year before he died. He chose to spend that year applying for as many credit cards as he could and maxing them all out. Amazingly, he got credit cards for four major banks and managed to rack up more than $50,000.00 in debt before he died. He had maybe $10,000.00 in savings that he had kept as a cushion to make sure the debt collectors didn’t come after him until it was too late.

The first thing I did was assure the sister that no one was responsible for her brother’s debts except his estate. After that, I gave her the options.

Option A was the technically correct way to handle the estate: contact all the banks, get them to agree to take a ratable percentage of the remaining assets, and pay them out. This could take months and would cost a lot of money.

Option B was not technically the correct way to handle it but it was easier: contact the banks, tell them that the sister had resigned as estate trustee and no one was replacing her, and ask them not to contact her.

She obviously went with Option B. With no one in charge of the estate, the banks couldn’t even attempt to collect on the debt, and there was no way to go through legal channels to collect the money that would not cost ten times the money owed.

Do I have sympathy for the banks? Nope.

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Wants The Man At The Top Even If He’s Six Feet Below

, , , , , | Right | June 7, 2021

I work in a law firm that is about to celebrate its 125th anniversary. The firm was started by three lawyers, hence the firm’s name is made of the three lawyers’ surnames: “[Lawyer #1], [Lawyer #2], and [Lawyer #3], LLP.” I’m working near the dispatch operator when this call comes in.

Dispatch Operator: “[Firm], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m trying to reach [Firm].”

Dispatch Operator: “Yes, you have reached our office. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to talk to a lawyer at [Firm].”

Dispatch Operator: “Okay, which one?”

Caller: *Vaguely* “Oh, one of the main ones.”

Dispatch Operator: “I’m sorry, but we have nearly forty lawyers here. Do you have a name of someone I could direct your call to?”

Caller: “I need to talk to [Entire Firm Name].”

Dispatch Operator: “Yes, and as I’ve said, you have reached our office. Do you know what the client matter is? Maybe I can see who is handling a certain case?”

Caller: *Upset* “Can I just talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1], Mr. [Lawyer #2], or Mr. [Lawyer #3]? It’s really important! Just send me to one of them!”

Dispatch Operator: “…I’m sorry, but all three of those men have since passed away.”

Caller: “What?!”

Dispatch Operator: “I said, I’m sorry, but all three of those men passed away, a long time ago.”

Caller: “But it’s the name of the business! They can’t be!”

Dispatch Operator: “Our office has been open for nearly 125 years. None of them could possibly be here to take your call. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Caller: *Dejected* “I guess not.” *Click*

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