That’s A Lot Of Dead Pauls

, , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2019

(My grandfather recently passed away. In planning the services, my father and his siblings ask us cousins to be pallbearers. Even though we’ve known quite a few people who have passed, my sister has not been to as many funerals as I have and is not accustomed to some of the terms related to the event. When my father asks if we are okay with being pallbearers, my 26-year-old sister asks a very interesting question:)

Sister: “So… is it called ‘pallbearers’ because Grampa’s name was Paul?”

(She thought it was a Paulbearer for Paul, Tombearer for Tom, Marybearer for Mary, etc. My family and I had a good chuckle during an emotional week.)

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We All Hail From Coincidenceville

, , , , , | Right | October 20, 2019

(I am the OP of this story. I’m posting this years later, but this event happened later that same day. I am in the back room, showing off my grandfather’s flag to one of our security officers who trained at the same base my grandfather was stationed at. A coworker calls me to the front.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], this guy is asking about some cigarettes I’ve never heard of. You’re the one who knows where to go if we don’t carry something; can you help him?”

(I get to the front and this guy has a pack of cigarettes that aren’t found in this state, but I have seen them before. My mom and I stopped at a convenience store for gas at one point while waiting on my grandfather’s funeral, and they had a sign advertising a price drop in this particular brand, and the design of the box had caught my eye.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I think you can only get these in Kentucky, maybe in places close to the state line. I’ve only seen one store in Tennessee just last week that has these.”

Customer: “Oh! I’m from Tennessee! That’s so cool; where’d you visit?”

(As my family is from the Appalachian region, it’s filled with some very small towns that most people wouldn’t have heard of, so I have to pause and think of the nearest big city.)

Me: “Uh… do you know where [Town] is? Or New [Town]?”

Customer: “I’m from New [Town]!”

Me: “I was in [Smaller Town] last week! My grandpa was [Grandpa]!”

(The customer’s face lights up with recognition when I say that.)

Customer: “YOU’RE [DAD]’S DAUGHTER! I go to church with your father; he’s always talking about you! I forgot where he said you lived, but I knew it was around here somewhere! How is everyone up there?”

Me: “Not so good. I just got back from grandpa’s funeral; it’s my first shift since last Wednesday.”

Customer: “What?! [Grandfather] is dead?! No one told me he’d been sick! You have a great day, [My Name]. I need to go call my brother!”

(He hurries out of the store. My coworkers think it is an amazing coincidence, but I just kind of laugh.)

Me: “Pretty sure he’s an alcoholic.”

Coworker: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “He’s clearly not close blood family, or he’d have known about Grandpa’s fall a couple of weeks ago. The only reason I could think he’d be that upset is if he bought Moonshine off him.”

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Who Thought Insurance Could Be Funny?

, , , , , , | Working | October 11, 2019

(It is two days after my dad passed away. My four siblings and I are at my mom’s house helping her go through things. The phone has been ringing pretty regularly with telemarketers. After several calls of my mom just hanging up, she starts talking with this guy. My siblings and I can only hear my mom’s side of the conversation so we’re a little confused at first.)

Mom: “Oh, I would absolutely be interested in that.”

(The telemarketer talks for a minute and Mom responds to him.)

Mom: “Yeah, that would be great, only, could we back-date it for about a week ago?”

(My siblings and I now have a pretty good idea what’s going on and are trying not to laugh too loudly in the background.)

Mom: “Well, I would really like to back-date it to at least a week ago.”

(The telemarketer again talks for a little bit and then my mom responds with this.)

Mom: “Well, you see, my husband passed away two days ago, so it would really need to be back-dated.” *small pause as the telemarketer says something* “Oh, you can’t do that?”

(My mom hangs up the phone and tells us what it was all about. The guy wanted to sell her life insurance for my dad. He got into the pitch and was obviously excited to get a sale when my mom finally told him Dad had died. The guy just stammered out:)

Telemarketer: “Wh… what? We… We can’t do that, ma’am.” 

(It was the first real laugh we’d had in two days. My dad had a great sense of humor and we all agreed he would’ve thought it was hilarious. So, thank you, telemarketer, whoever you are. We really needed that at that moment.)

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These Boots Were Made For Walking, And That’s What They Didn’t Do

, , , , | Right | October 11, 2019

(I’m working the customer service desk one day when an older man walks up and sets a shoebox on the counter.)

Customer: “I need to return these. My wife bought them a bit ago, but she passed away before she got a chance to wear them.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you happen to have the receipt?”

(We have a relatively lenient return policy. We can process returns without a receipt. If you used your rewards card, a debit or credit card, or a check, we can find your purchase. If you cannot provide any of the above, we do a non-receipted return with ID.)

Customer: “No, no receipt.”

Me: “No worries. Did you use your rewards card?”

Customer: “I don’t know. My wife bought them.”

Me: “All righty, let’s check!”

(I scan his rewards card and then scan the shoebox. They were clearly purchased at our store because our sticker is on the box. However, nothing shows up.)

Me: “Well, it’s not showing up with your rewards card; we’ll have to use your ID.”

Customer: “Okay.” *he hands me his ID*

(I go through the steps and enter his information, then I scan the shoes again. Nothing shows up. This leads to me going into our computer system to find the shoes. I search using every possible description that I can think of, and they aren’t showing up. I finally call over to the shoe lead, and she comes over to help. We search for a further ten minutes or so, during which the customer begins to get upset, asking why we can’t just process the return. The shoe lead comes back with this gem:)

Shoe Lead: “While these shoes were purchased here, they’re showing in the system for a penny. We haven’t sold these since 1999. We can’t take them back.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just take them back? She died before she could wear them. She obviously got them here.”

Shoe Lead: “We can’t take these back, because we haven’t carried this shoe in over sixteen years.”

Customer: “Well, what am I supposed to do with them? She never wore them!”

(He then storms away.)

Shoe Lead: “Isn’t there a Salvation Army drop-off in our parking lot? Can’t he just take them there?”

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Doesn’t Understand Whose Lifetime It’s For

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work summers in a historical park — basically a huge outdoor museum. Decades ago, some of the original donors to the park were issued lifetime passes. I work in the ticket booth at the front of the park, and a woman and her kids arrive with one of these lifetime passes. Not only is she much too young to have been issued one of these passes, but the pass is in a man’s name.)

Customer: “This pass gives us free family admission, right?”

Me: “Is the pass holder with you today?”

Customer: “I’m the pass holder.”

Me: “Is this your name on the pass?”

Customer: “No, that’s my father’s name. But he left the pass to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this pass is only valid if the pass holder is here with you.”

Customer: “He died last year.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “But he left me this pass.”

Me: “I’m afraid they don’t really work that way. If your father has passed away, you won’t be able to use his pass.”

Customer: “But it’s a lifetime pass!”

Me: “Right…”

Customer: “It never expires!”

Me: “It never expired during your father’s lifetime. But since he’s passed away…”

Customer: “He left it to me! I can use it!”

Me: “No, I’m afraid these passes can’t be left to other family members.”

Customer: “But it’s a lifetime pass!

(I finally had to get my boss to explain that the Lifetime Pass was only valid during her father’s lifetime. The woman refused to pay admission. She left, still angry that we wouldn’t accept her dead father’s Lifetime Pass.)

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