This quote was told to me by my husband. A few years ago, he went to our regular petrol station for fuel and smokes. One of the petrol pumps is out of order. While my husband is being served, a woman enters.
Customer (angrily placing “out of order” sign on counter): My pump’s not working! This was on there!
Staff member: What does the sign say?
Customer (reading): Oh…
She wasn’t too impressed when my husband started laughing..
(Around 1990, I’m working at the first gas station you come to after getting off the interstate in North Aurora, Illinois. As such, we get a lot of people asking for directions. The next town to the north is Batavia.)
Customer: “Can you tell me how to get to Bacteria?”
(I am the OP of this story. I’m posting this years later, but this event happened later that same day. I am in the back room, showing off my grandfather’s flag to one of our security officers who trained at the same base my grandfather was stationed at. A coworker calls me to the front.)
Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], this guy is asking about some cigarettes I’ve never heard of. You’re the one who knows where to go if we don’t carry something; can you help him?”
(I get to the front and this guy has a pack of cigarettes that aren’t found in this state, but I have seen them before. My mom and I stopped at a convenience store for gas at one point while waiting on my grandfather’s funeral, and they had a sign advertising a price drop in this particular brand, and the design of the box had caught my eye.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I think you can only get these in Kentucky, maybe in places close to the state line. I’ve only seen one store in Tennessee just last week that has these.”
Customer: “Oh! I’m from Tennessee! That’s so cool; where’d you visit?”
(As my family is from the Appalachian region, it’s filled with some very small towns that most people wouldn’t have heard of, so I have to pause and think of the nearest big city.)
Me: “Uh… do you know where [Town] is? Or New [Town]?”
Customer: “I’m from New [Town]!”
Me: “I was in [Smaller Town] last week! My grandpa was [Grandpa]!”
(The customer’s face lights up with recognition when I say that.)
Customer: “YOU’RE [DAD]’S DAUGHTER! I go to church with your father; he’s always talking about you! I forgot where he said you lived, but I knew it was around here somewhere! How is everyone up there?”
Me: “Not so good. I just got back from grandpa’s funeral; it’s my first shift since last Wednesday.”
Customer: “What?! [Grandfather] is dead?! No one told me he’d been sick! You have a great day, [My Name]. I need to go call my brother!”
(He hurries out of the store. My coworkers think it is an amazing coincidence, but I just kind of laugh.)
Me: “Pretty sure he’s an alcoholic.”
Coworker: “Why do you say that?”
Me: “He’s clearly not close blood family, or he’d have known about Grandpa’s fall a couple of weeks ago. The only reason I could think he’d be that upset is if he bought Moonshine off him.”
(I worked at a grocery store gas station for about a year. It didn’t have a convenience store, just a tiny kiosk for a cashier and a few cigarette racks and that’s it. It’s a slow day and a man walks up to the window. Nothing seems unusual about him or anything.)
Customer: “I need to use your restroom.”
Me: (Looks around at the tiny kiosk) “Sir, we don’t have a restroom.”
Customer: “I really have to go. Last time I was here the lady let me use it.”
Me: “Sir, we physically DO NOT have a restroom. You have to go across the parking lot to the grocery store or the [nearby fast food restaurant]. I’m sorry.”
Customer: (Glares at me for an uncomfortable amount of time) “What goes around comes around.” (Storms off. Has peed his pants.)
(I am working at a gas station, back when “pump jockeys” pump your gas for you. Our station is on the New York State Thruway, a divided highway toll road. We are located a few miles from a major city, but hundreds of miles from New York City. In addition, we are on the westbound side traveling away from New York City. One holiday weekend…)
Customer: “How far is it to New York City?”
Me: “In the direction you are going, about 25,000 miles. You’re going the wrong way.”
Customer: *blinks*
Me: “Where did you get on the highway?”
Customer: “Albany.”
(This means she drove about three hours in the opposite direction from New York City. And that she passed the exits for several cities along the way, but didn’t seem to realize that she was heading in the wrong direction all this time.)
Me: “You’ll have to go to the next exit, get off, and get back on in the other direction.”
(The identical situation happened again with another driver the next day! Basic geography, people!)
