(I am finishing up my order at a sandwich shop.)

Me: “…and salt and pepper, please.”

Worker: *maybe 15 years older than I am* “Ooh, you have to watch your salt intake. It can be bad if you have high blood pressure.”

Me: *caught off guard and not sure how to react* “Um, my blood pressure is fine. Can I have salt and pepper?”

Worker: “Well, it’s fine now, but when you’re my age, you need to watch these things. You got cheese on your sandwich, too; can’t have too much of that when you’re older because of the fat and cholesterol.”

Me: “Okay?”

Worker: “Yes, you really need to be careful with these things. I know you’re young now, but—”

Customer Behind Me: “Wow, I didn’t know sandwiches came with health lectures now! Hope it doesn’t take too long; I’m hungry.”

Worker: *pause* “Let me ring you up.”

Me: *more to the customer than the worker* “Thank you.”

(I am at a sandwich shop.)

Clerk: “What will it be?”

Me: “Footlong on white, please.”

Clerk: *butterflying the bread open* “Which meat?”

Me: “Before that, could you add some marinara on the bread?”

Clerk: *adds sauce only where the meat usually goes* “Sure, like this?”

Me: “Yes, for that side. Could you add the same to the other one?”

Clerk: *puzzled, flips the foot-long closed* “You mean on the crust?”

(This happens to my friend who works at a popular sandwich shop during high school. A customer in her mid- to late-50s walks in.)

Friend: “Hello, ma’am! Welcome to [Sandwich Shop]. What can I get for you today?”  

(The customer slowly walks up to the counter and stares blankly at my friend, not saying a word.)  

Friend: “Is there anything I can help you with, ma’am?”  

Customer: *snaps awake and cheery* “Yes. Could I please get the Italian hero with a medium drink and cookies?”  

Friend: “Absolutely!”  

(My friend then proceeds to do the usual game of twenty questions when getting a sandwich done at these shops, and things are going smoothly up until she gets to the vegetable portion.)  

Friend: “What veggies will you be having on this today?”  

Customer: “Oh, I’m not sure. Could I have a look at the lettuce and spinach over the divider to see if it’s wilted, please?”

(The customer tries to give puppy dog eyes. My friend thinks this is odd, but she doesn’t to be rude and refuse, so she holds the container over the divider so the customer can see.)  

Customer: *moans* “Oh, yes, yes. Please give me a big handful of both. Could I also see the jalapeños?”

(The customer attempts to give puppy dog eyes again. Just wanting to get this order done with fast, my friend obliges her and holds the container over the divider. The customer smiles, and then immediately digs her hand into the container and squishes a handful of jalapeños on her face. She begins to scream bloody murder.)  

Customer: “OH, MY GOD, I’M BLIND! YOU STUPID B****, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME! MANAGER! MANAGER! SOMEONE GET ME A MANAGER RIGHT NOW!”

(She continues to scream until the manager comes rushing out from the office.)

Manager: *to my friend* “WHAT HAPPENED?” *grabs first-aid kit and stuff to help clean up the customer*

Friend: *still in shock* “I… I’m not sure. She just… And smacked it… Like, on herself…” *keeps staring in shock*  

Customer: “THIS B**** THREW PEPPERS AT ME AND HAS BEEN RUDELY YELLING AT ME SINCE I CAME IN! I CAN’T BELI—” *gets cut off by the manager*  

Manager: “Okay, ma’am, let’s go talk in my office to get this whole thing resolved.” *to another coworker in the backroom* “Go take [Friend] into the break room and cover the register, please.” *quietly to my friend* “I’ll be back there in a bit. Go relax until I get this sorted.”

(My friend waited for around ten minutes before the manager came back to get her. Apparently, once the manager got the customer’s details down he asked her if she could show him where in the video my friend had thrown the peppers, and she got nervous and ran out, saying that wouldn’t be necessary. My friend got sent home with a free sandwich to cool off and calm down after everything that happened. Later that week, they all found out that woman had been going around town to the different locations trying to get free stuff and people fired.)

(I work as a delivery driver for a sandwich shop that stays open until 4:00 am, making the last shift of the day 10:00 pm to 4:00 am. On my night off, a little after 10:00 pm, I am hanging out with some friends, having a couple of drinks, when I get a call.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], I know it’s last minute, but is there any way you can do a delivery shift tonight?”

Me: “Well, normally I would, but to be honest, I’m a bit drunk right now. There is no way I could drive.”

Manager: “Yeah, you’re not alone.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Manager: “[Coworker who is supposed to be doing the delivery shift tonight] is drunk, too; that is why I’m trying to get someone to cover his shift!”

(At our restaurant, which closes at 4:00 am and opens again at 10:00 am, the bathrooms close at midnight. They open again for neither love nor money, so at 2:00 am, I’m cleaning one of them.)

Random Dude: *kind of angrily* “Yo, can I use the restroom?”

Me: “Restrooms are closed. There’s a public restroom at the end of this building; it’s around the corner, on the left.”

(The guy mumbles something I can’t understand about his friend and the public restrooms, to the eventual effect of, “I don’t want to use those.”)

Me: “Restrooms are closed.”

Random Dude: “When do they open?”

Me: “10:00 am.”

Random Dude: *suddenly shouting* “Well, f*** you, too, b****!”

(I shrug and finish cleaning up the bathroom, and then come back behind the counter.)

Random Dude: *in the middle of talking to one of the managers* “That’s him! That’s the guy! He said, ‘F*** you! Restrooms are closed!’”

Me: “Sir, I did not use such language.”

(I continue to the back to put up the cleaning supplies, and when I return to the kitchen…)

Manager #1: “Did you really say that?

Me: “No, I did not.” *I relay the exchange* “—and then he started screaming profanities at me.”

Manager #2: “Yeah, I didn’t give him anything. I gave him the number to the franchising office, told him we were store number [other location’s number], and said your name was [Not My Name].”

(I nodded and continued with my shift.)