I used to work at Subway. We were usually pretty flexible about making sandwiches the way customers wanted, but sometimes there are things we can’t do.

Customer: “I don’t want my sandwich toasted.”

Me: “No problem, we can—”

Customer: “—but I still want the bacon crispy. I don’t want it greasy either.”

Me: “That might be difficult without toasting the sandwich.”

Customer: “Toast the bacon on a paper towel instead of the deli paper you use.”

Me: “We can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “If we tried to toast a paper towel, it would smoke and catch on fire.”

Customer: “I trust you could get the bacon out before it gets burned.”

Me: “The… the bacon retrieval isn’t the issue here; it’s the fact that we’d be creating a fire hazard. We’d be putting the entire store at risk.”

Customer: “Yes, but could you get my sandwich made before that happened?”

Me: “I… no, ma’am, we cannot get you hot, crispy, greaseless bacon in an untoasted sandwich.”

She left disappointed and baconless.

I used to work as a waitress in a French-themed sandwich shop. Note that we were not, in fact, in France. The only truly French things about us were that we used baguettes for our sandwiches and one of our sandwich guys was from France.

An exasperated older lady approaches me.

Customer: “Is the butter you use actually French?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Do you actually ship it in from France?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t ship our ingredients in from France.”

She starts getting upset.

Customer: “But your shop has ‘France’ in the name! It’s right there! So how could your butter not be French?!”

Me: “Just because a location is in the name doesn’t mean everything is from that location, just inspired by.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid! Of course it is, or it would be a lie, and I would sue you!”

Me: “In that case, I have some bad news for you about Kentucky Fried Chicken, Outback Steakhouse, California Pizza Kitchen, and China Wok…”

My friend and I are getting some sandwiches at a sandwich store and bakery. They bake their own bread, and one of the employees is slicing some of it at a bread slicer. My friend is watching him like a hawk.

Me: “Everything good, [Friend]?”

Friend: “That guy slicing the bread…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “He’s got nine and a half fingers.”

I follow my friend’s gaze, and it takes me half a second to confirm this is the case. The guy is missing half a thumb. My friend must have said this louder than he realized, because the employee waves at us with the hand in question.

Employee: “Don’t worry, I didn’t do that here.”

We physically sigh in relief.

Employee: *Points to another machine.* “I did it over there. Man, that was a bad day to be introducing the apple and beet muffins…”

Two guys come in together and order their sandwiches.

Customer #1: “I’ll get the turkey and ham.”

Customer #2: “I’ll just have the turkey.”

Customer #1: *To his friend.* “Why wouldn’t you get the turkey ham!? Ham is the best part of the cow, and you’re missing out!”

The level of disgust [Customer #2] gave [Customer #1] indicated that not only was [Customer #1] being serious, but that he also said stuff like this before.

CONTENT WARNING: Feces

In my part of the US, some explosive diarrhea is going around, and I do mean explosive. I call my boss to tell him I won’t be coming into work today for this reason. I’m what my chain of sandwich store calls a ‘sandwich artist’; we make the sandwich for the customer as they ask for specific ingredients.

Boss: “You need to come into work no matter what.”

Me: “Did you hear my reason why I can’t come in?”

Boss: “No excuses.”

Me: “Okay, but can you line up some blank canvases behind me while I’m making the customer’s sandwiches? Sandwich artist and actual artist!”

Boss: “Huh?”

Me: “I might as well bend over, pull my pants down, and make a Jackson Pollock kinda art every five minutes. Do something creative, eh? If you don’t mind me coming into work with explosive diarrhea, I’m sure the customers won’t either!”

I got the day off…