I’m Feeling More Heading Out Than Usual

, | OR, USA | Working | May 12, 2017

(I work as a security guard for an office building. Some employees are allowed to work after-hours, but have to sign in and out with me. I have just had this same conversation three times in a row as people came to the security desk to check out.)

Me: “Hi there! Heading out?”

Employee: “Pretty good, and you?”

(I’m starting to think I’m not saying what I think I’m saying.)

Down For The Count

| OR, USA | Working | February 8, 2017

(My coworker has arrived at work but isn’t scheduled to start work for a few more minutes so he’s just standing around waiting out the clock. I am scheduled to clock out at the same time he’s scheduled to clock in.)

Coworker: *looks at phone* “Only eight hours to go.”

Me: “Counting hours before you even start work? That’s really pathetic.”

Coworker: “I know.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I’ve been counting minutes for the last three hours.”

A Date With Confusion

| CA, USA | Working | October 18, 2016

(Security guards use radio codes just like the police do. For example 10-1 means that you are being heard poorly and 10-9 means to repeat your last transmission.)

Guard: “Dispatch I know that I have ticketed this car on several occasions. Could you please give me the dates I ticketed this car?”

Dispatch: “10-1, 10-9.”

(A few moments of silence.)

Guard: “I know that I have ticketed this car on couple different occasions could you give me the dates?”

Dispatch: “10-1, 10-9.”

(More moments of silence.)

Guard: “Dispatch, do you copy? I’m looking for the dates of a car I ticketed some time ago could you give them to me, please?”

(Light bulb goes on for everyone listening.)

Boss: *trying so hard not to laugh over the radio* “Dispatch HAS given you the dates. October 1st and October 9th. Get it? 10-1 and 10-9?”

Here We Pokémon Go Again

| Detroit, MI, USA | Right | September 10, 2016

(Pokémon Go is a recent phenomenon and people are really getting into it.)

Supervisor: “We have a large, black truck driving around suspiciously. It looks like they are shopping.” *for cars to steal* “Let me know if you see it around.”

(I spot the vehicle and inform him of the location and he investigates.)

Me: “What happened?”

Supervisor: “They were just playing Pokémon Go! I almost called the cops on them! What are they doing out here at 2:30 in the morning?!”

Please Learn To Reader

, | IL, USA | Working | September 2, 2016

(I work as a front lobby security officer/receptionist in an office building that has a set of badged double doors leading off the lobby. Employees are supposed to use the reader unless their hands are full. Guests are buzzed through. These rules are also printed on the doors in large print. This still happens, every day.)

Employee: *walks up to the door, empty-handed, then looks at me* “Hey, let me through!”

Me: “Badge the reader, please.”

Employee: “Why? Just let me through.”

Me: “It’s policy. Please badge the reader.”

Employee: *looks at the doors, then the reader, then me* “Will you let me in?”

Me: “Badge the reader.”

(This would repeat until the employee either got tired of it or – sometimes – I gave in. Every. single. day.)

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