One Door Closes, A Realization Opens

, , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(I am “the IT guy” for a large distribution center with lots of automation and machinery. I am checking the wireless network signal in a work module that has three floors of product racks crammed into a two-story building, with conveyor belts running through it to boot. I finish in the back of the module and decide to use the back stairway instead of walking back through the crowded module, but the door is jammed shut. Walking back to the front, I meet the head of security.)

Guard: “Hey, [My Name], did you open that back stairwell door?”

Me: “I tried, but it was stuck and wouldn’t open more than an inch or so.”

Guard: “That’s a fire exit door, so when it gets opened we have an alarm go off in the monitoring station. We would’ve called the fire department, except there was only a single door in alarm.”

Me: “Sorry, didn’t know.”

(There were no “emergency exit” signs on the door, or any other indicators that it was a fire exit. The guard and I begin going our separate ways, then I stop and call back to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Guard], seeing as how that’s a fire exit door, is the fact that it wouldn’t open a problem?”

Guard: *look of startled realization creeps across his face* “I think I’ll call maintenance.”

How To Make Them Bear-able

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2017

(I work in a resort known for its ski location. Because of this, we get a lot of people from different provinces and countries. There is quite a difference in altitude where I work, so a lot of younger guests, who go out for drinks at our pub, end up getting a lot more drunk than they probably meant to. Until you’re accustomed to it, altitude combined with drinking the same amount you could 5000 meters below where we are can be a deadly mix. There have been a few times where we’ve had to remove people from the hotel due to disturbing other guests, refusing to quiet down, and insulting and swearing at our front desk agents or security. We do have an RCMP station not far from us, but if we can get the party to cooperate with us, we prefer not to call them, since it is still a bit of a drive for them. One night, I’m working the night audit shift. I know there have been a few noise complaints on one room, and that they have been giving our overnight security a hard time. So, unsurprisingly, they end up in our front lobby, and security asks me to call the RCMP. We’ve worked together a while, and the security officer knows I have a pretty good method of turning off the situation without actually having to get the cops involved, which is why he didn’t call them himself. I pick up the phone and pretend to dial a number. Because of the desk design, guests can’t see that I’m not actually dialing anything.)

Guest: *angry* “You’re actually calling the cops? I’m not doing anything wrong! This is a resort! I’m allowed to have fun here!

(And so begins the rant of how he’s on vacation, and it’s against his rights to kick him out just for having a few drinks, plus some name calling.)

Me: *as straight faced as I can* “Actually, I’m not calling the cops; we’re not in a jurisdiction, so we have to deal with our own problems.”

Guest: *a little concerned* “Who are you calling?”

Me: “Our bear people.”

(We have about 300 grizzly bears that live in the surrounding area, something we are proud about and advertise. “Bear people” is our nickname for the rangers who specialize in conditioning the bears to avoid hikers, campers, etc.)

Guest: “Why? What do they do?”

Me: “They keep track of all our bears. I just want to make sure none of the regulars who frequent this particular area are around. We had to remove guests from the hotel in the past, you see, and well…”

(The guest clearly understands what I’m getting at, goes white as a sheet, and turns to security.)

Guest: “I’d like to go back to my room, please. I won’t make any more noise.”

Security: “All right, but if we get one more noise complaint, you’ll have to trust your luck with the bears.”

(The guest nodded and followed security back up. I’m still waiting on the day that my luck will run out and a guest will actually remember our interaction, or, if they do, complain about it.)

Those Who Plan To Drink, Drink To Plan

, , , | Learning | September 15, 2017

(My friend is having a stressful finals week and can’t sleep, so, at three in the morning, she decides to go out to the center court and plan her classes for next year.)

Friend: *focused on the journal she is writing in*

Campus Security: *in a tone that suggests he’s just caught her sneaking into a building with a ski mask on* “Hey! What are you doing here?!”

Friend: *looking around* “Uh, planning my classes?”

Campus Security: “Right. And exactly how much have you had to drink tonight?”

Friend: *bewildered* “None? I’m literally sitting here planning my classes for next semester. You know, being proactive about my education?”

Campus Security: “Sooo, you aren’t doing this because you’re drunk?”

Friend: “That would be correct.”

Campus Security: *sheepishly backs away* “Right, er… stay safe.”

(Good job, campus security. 10/10 busting skills!)

I’m Feeling More Heading Out Than Usual

, | OR, USA | Working | May 12, 2017

(I work as a security guard for an office building. Some employees are allowed to work after-hours, but have to sign in and out with me. I have just had this same conversation three times in a row as people came to the security desk to check out.)

Me: “Hi there! Heading out?”

Employee: “Pretty good, and you?”

(I’m starting to think I’m not saying what I think I’m saying.)

Down For The Count

| OR, USA | Working | February 8, 2017

(My coworker has arrived at work but isn’t scheduled to start work for a few more minutes so he’s just standing around waiting out the clock. I am scheduled to clock out at the same time he’s scheduled to clock in.)

Coworker: *looks at phone* “Only eight hours to go.”

Me: “Counting hours before you even start work? That’s really pathetic.”

Coworker: “I know.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I’ve been counting minutes for the last three hours.”

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