Hire Him For The Great Save

, , , , , | Working | December 10, 2019

(My uncle is a manager chatting with a prospective employee before the interview.)

Interviewee: “Any exciting weekend plans?”

Uncle: “My wife and I are actually planning to head to Minnesota for a ski trip.”

Interviewee: “Oh, they’ve got nothing in Minnesota. Only prostitutes and hockey players are from there.”

Uncle: “My wife is from Minnesota.”

(There’s a long pause, then:)

Interviewee: “What team does she play for?”

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A Rather Queer Interview Technique

, , , , , , , | Working | December 4, 2019

(I’ve just started a new job for a company that represents various progressive non-profit groups. The two clients our office oversees are an environmental organization and an LGBT organization. Although I’ve had other positions where I’ve overseen staff before, I need to be trained on how the company conducts interviews by a coworker who has been there for a while. The coworker training me during this interview happens to be a lesbian. We have just finished basic work history questions with this applicant.)

Coworker: “We are currently working on behalf of [Environmental Organization] and [LGBT Organization]. We have enough openings right now to assign you to your preferred group but may need you to work with the other if the need arises.”

Applicant: “Well, I’d love to work on [Environmental Organization]. I’m not all that cool with that queer stuff.”

Coworker: “Well…”

Applicant: “It’s like, no one made them be gay; that was their decision, which is fine and all, but that doesn’t mean you get special rights, you know?”

Coworker: “Um…”

Applicant: “They think they deserve to marry each other and all, but like, if I get married that makes my marriage mean less, you know? Plus, if they really want benefits so bad or whatever, then a queer guy should just marry, like, a queer chick or something, right?”

(I notice my coworker is biting her lip, ready to go off on the guy, so I step in.)

Me: “Well, that’s all the questions I think we have. We will be in touch if we decide to bring you on.”

Applicant: “Great! I really look forward to working here. This place seems great!”

(My coworker thanked me afterward for stepping in at that point as she likely couldn’t have handled it professionally. How that guy still seemed to think he was going to get hired was beyond either of us.)

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Age Is Just A Mom-ber

, , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2019

(The company I work for hires a lot of high-school-age employees. Due to federal and state labor laws, we have a very limited number of positions to offer to candidates who are 15 or younger — all of which are currently filled — but can employ any number of young people at least 16 years old. I am calling one of our candidates over the phone. It is currently 2019.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]. Can I speak to [Candidate], please?”

Candidate: “This is [Candidate].”

Me: “Hi. I’m just calling about your recent application with us. On your application, you stated that you are at least 16 years old. Is that correct?”

Candidate: “Yes, I’m 16.”

Me: “Okay. Because on the documentation you brought us with your birthdate, it states here that you were born in 2004. Is that right?”

Candidate: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: *sighing inwardly* “Oh, I see. Well, if you were born in 2004, and considering that it’s currently 2019, that would mean that you’re only 15 years old.”

Candidate: “Oh.”

Me: “Right. So, if that’s true, then I’m very sorry to say that we don’t have any positions at this time that we can offer to a 15-year-old, due to labor laws. However, if something does open up, we’ll keep your application on file. Otherwise, I hope you’ll consider reapplying when you turn 16 next year.”

Candidate: *sounding confused and disappointed* “Okay. Thanks.”

(I end the call, thinking that’s the end of it. Fifteen minutes later, I am asked to take another call. It is the candidate’s mother.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Candidate’s Mother: “I’m [Candidate]’s mother! Why did you tell my son that he can’t work there?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained to him, we don’t currently have any positions available for 15-year-olds.”

Candidate’s Mother: “My son is 16! I brought in his birth certificate to prove it! Are you calling him a liar?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I looked at the birth certificate that he provided us. It states that he was born in 2004, right?”

Candidate’s Mother: “Yes, that’s right! So he’s 16!”

Me: *a bit baffled* “Ma’am, it is only 2019 right now. If he was born in 2004, that would make him 15.”

Candidate’s Mother: “No, he just had a birthday recently!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can see that his birthday was last month, but that would mean that he only just turned 15.”

Candidate’s Mother: “No, he just turned 17!”

Me: *torn between speechlessness and hilarity* “Please hold on a moment, ma’am.”

(I was forced to put her on hold, rather than lose my composure at the nature of the conversation. It took me several minutes to compose myself, but by then, she had hung up rather than wait on hold. I can only hope that she realized her mistake, but I can’t help but feel bad for the young man who didn’t realize his actual age.)

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The Daddy Of Bad Job Interviews

, , , , | Working | November 27, 2019

(My coworker and I are working at our local convenience store and are preparing to close for the night, as it’s almost 11:00 pm. A while ago, we were hiring some help, but we’ve already hired one. Two regulars, a man and a girl I recognize, come in. She is notoriously timid and never looks at us, does not respond, and looks fourteen. The man, her father, comes up with her, quiet and in tow, to my coworker at the register.)

Father: “Well, hi there. I heard a whisper that you’re hiring?”

Coworker: “Yeah, we were last month, but—”

Father: *interrupting* “Great! My daughter here…” *gestures towards the girl who is just standing there* “…is very interested!”

(He then proceeds on a loooong, awkward story of how her studies just didn’t fit and she now is ready for us! All this is without letting us say that, no, we are not really hiring anymore.)

Father: “She is ready to start tomorrow!”

Coworker: “Um… how old are you? 

(My coworker is directing the question to HER, as it’s apparent she is the one applying with papers in hand. Her father does not let her answer.)

Father: “19!”

(I already know she’s not a good fit for this job, as her dad applying and doing all the talking is not a good impression.)

Me: “I can just take those papers and place them in the office.”

(She barely looks at me as I take her resume. Her father, obviously not liking that, looks at me and then around me.)

Father: “I’ll just talk to the boss. Where is he?”

Me: “Oh, he’s not here; he went home at three.”

Father: *genuinely surprised* “Oh… Well, give me his number and I’ll introduce myself.”

(Yes, he said himself, not the daughter. I walk away due to the sheer awkwardness and later come back to my coworker.)

Coworker & Me: *in unison* “Yeah, no… Not happening.”

(I’m truly sorry for the girl but if you want a job, try not to bring your overbearing father… and maybe introduce yourself. Or say anything at all. That would be a great start.)

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Stop Pounding Them With Outdated Advice

, , , , | Working | November 26, 2019

(A kid, who looks no older than eighteen, walks in.)

Kid: “Hi, I want to apply for a job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t take in-branch applications anymore. If you go to our website, scroll all the way down, and click on ‘Careers,’ it will show you current openings. We don’t have any here right now, but I think [bBranch ten minutes away] has one.”

Kid: “But my parents said I have to pound the pavement to get a job.”

Me: “Not here! It’s all electronic.”

Kid: “Oh. So, you don’t have any openings here?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Kid: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I’m sure.”

Kid: “So, no applications?”

Me: “Only online.”

(He sighed and walked out.)

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