Our company is downsizing, so some of us have been encouraged to look for other jobs before inevitable layoffs happen. Some coworkers are looking through recruitment ads.

Coworker: “Ugh, they’re all using the same useless corporate speak that means other things!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “‘Fast-paced work environment!’ That means, ‘We are always short-staffed and you will have to do the work of multiple people’.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I’m seeing that all over. Some of the worst ones are ‘Must be flexible’ meaning ‘Your schedule will change hourly and we will text you at 9 PM asking you to open tomorrow’.”

Coworker: “Ha! Or ‘working under pressure’ meaning ‘everything is on fire all the time’.”

We laugh and look over at our other coworker friend sitting with us, and then realize something.

Me: “Oh s***, you’re [Company]’s recruiter, aren’t you?”

Recruiter: “…yeah.”

Coworker: “Are we on to something?”

Recruiter: “…well, yeah. Kinda. I was told I had to put those phrases in the ads, whether it was true or not. I always told the boss that intelligent people could see through that bull s***.”

Me: “What did he say?”

Recruiter: “He said we didn’t want to hire intelligent people.”

Coworker: “Ouch.”

Me: “I’m glad we were hired before you got here!”

I used to work at a small construction company. Our old boss’ nephew (who was forty-eight years old) worked with us and generally made everyone’s lives miserable.

He complained about EVERYTHING constantly. Always angry. The kind of guy who would pull a gun on someone getting a frisbee from his property. He had been in the military and constantly talked about what a bad-a** he was. Really sad s***, honestly.

He was such an entitled a**hole, and he treated everyone with such disdain because his uncle owned the place. 

At some point, I lost my job, and I suspect it’s because he’s been talking s*** to his uncle about me. The way they fired me was weird and sudden, a “this just isn’t working out” type of thing.

So, I go across the street and get a job at the competition. Better pay, better position. 

A year later, I hear he’s been fired from his job by his uncle. He was trying to get another coworker fired and called OSHA on them, but ended up getting the whole company in trouble and fined.

I’m sitting at my desk one day, and my boss comes to me and says:

Boss: “Hey, you used to work at [Old Company], right? You remember this guy? He’s applying for a job here.”

I take one look at the application, stare at my boss dead in the eyes, and say:

Me: “If you hire this guy, it will be the worst mistake you ever made.”

Boss: *Nods.* “Yikes. Glad we spoke. Thanks.”

F*** that turd.

A couple of weeks ago, I interviewed at a fast-food restaurant that specializes in roast beef. While I had a job with a different fast food place that was popular with kids and had a letter as its most notable feature on its signage, I was looking for something with more stable hours.

I also wanted to get some leadership experience under my belt, as that looks nice on a resume in any industry. Since the roast beef place was hiring, quote, “all positions”, I took a risk and applied as a shift manager.

I got a text on Monday asking me to come in for an interview on Thursday at 4:30 PM. I managed to get them to agree to 4:45 PM. I got off at 3 PM, yes, but I currently do not drive, so my boyfriend had to drive me, and the earliest he could get off was 4 PM, but there were too many factors involved that could push that till his normal time of 4:30 PM.

Thursday comes around. At around 3 PM, the interviewing store texts me. Note that all texts are paraphrased.

Text: “Hey [My Name], this is [Manager]. I realized I looked at the schedule wrong, and my manager isn’t working today. Can we do it next week on Wednesday, same time?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll have to let you know for sure Sunday or Monday, as that’s when our schedule comes out.”

So plans were canceled for Thursday, and we rescheduled for the following Wednesday, which I’m ready for that day, when I get another text.

Text: “[Manager] again. The General Manager had a family emergency and had to leave early. I am so sorry about this. Can we do it next Thursday?”

Me: “As of now, yes, let me confirm once the new schedule comes out.”

I would have ended this here, but I saw a lot of signs that I’d be getting interviewed for a manager position, and so I decided to stick it out.

This time, I got a text a whole half hour before we were to be there; we were literally going down the stairs when I got it.

Text: “Hey, [My Name], it’s [Manager]. I’m sorry, but we are just super busy today. Can we do next Wednesday at 4:30 PM?”

Me: “Yeah, okay, I can do that.”

Now, on that Friday, I found out I was working until 4:30 PM that day. It would be cutting it close, but since the interviewing store was across the street from my place of work, I could JUST make it.

So, I go in. The interview wasn’t much of an interview. It was three minutes of questions and twenty-seven minutes of them discussing the job environment. Including things like the schedule being for two weeks at a time, always out well before it starts (both a welcome change); forty hours a week guaranteed, opportunity for overtime, sounds like a dream from where I was then working. They would even cater to my very specific requirements for working days.

I’m offered the job. I accept. I explained I need two weeks to put in my notice with the then-current employer. Okay, not a problem, typical. I was originally going to put my notice in for that Thursday, since I would do it when I went in to work the next day. So, my date to start was set for two weeks from that next date (so two weeks from then, would be a Friday).

Through a random turn of events, I ended up turning in my notice one day early, but whatever. I worked out my two weeks. During this time, we were regularly checking with the new store to make sure I was still on track to start.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t on the schedule for the old place on the last day I was gonna work. I couldn’t get started at the new place early, though.

This is where things go badly. The Wednesday before I was to start, my boyfriend and I went by the new place to verify when I would start. I was certain it was Friday due to when I was originally going to turn in my notice, but he insisted it was Thursday.

So we go in to eat (this was planned regardless), and we ask while we’re there. The general manager was busy, but I left my number for a call/text as soon as she could.

An hour later, right as we were getting home, I got a text.

Text: “[My Name], it’s [Manager] at [Restaurant]. Due to it being winter and the slower season, we’re cutting crew all around and hours as well, and we don’t think we can go through with hiring you after all.”

Related:
The Worst Job You Never Had

I’ve just moved to a new state and I’m applying for jobs. I see a store that has a “help wanted” sign on the front.

Me: “Hi, I’m asking about the help wanted sign? Can I give you my resumé?”

The cashier takes my resumé and is politely telling me about the position, when the owner of the place comes rushing out from the back.

Owner: *Yelling.* “Why are you applying only now?! I’ve had an ad in the paper for weeks! You’re very slow!”

Me: “I literally just saw your sign up front. I didn’t even know about the ad in the paper.”

Owner: “That doesn’t matter! I’ve still been looking for someone for weeks!”

I blink, and then turn back to the cashier, who simply sighs and hands me my resumé back.

Me: “Hmm, I wonder why. Maybe applicants get badgered about why they didn’t see your ad the second you ran it, and figure maybe this is not a reasonable guy to work for?”

So happy to have dodged that bullet. Felt sorry for that cashier, though.

I work for a recruitment agency. We often send applicants to a lab for drug testing as part of the recruitment process. We sent an engineer for a drug test, and the facility called back.

Facility: “We can’t run the test because he left… uh… the wrong sample.”

Me: “He didn’t leave a urine sample?”

Facility: “That… is correct.”

Me: “But he left a sample?”

Facility: “That… is also correct.”

Me: “What sample?”

Facility: “…not urine.”

The girl on the phone sounded young and nervous, so I got the hint. I called the engineer back and told him what the facility had told us, and that he would need to go back and to give a urine sample.

Engineer: “Urine sample?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Engineer: “That explains why there were no magazines! And why they gave me that tiny little tube! Normally, you get a cup!”