We Can Sympathize With The Need To Escape Reality, But…

, , , , , | Romantic | June 24, 2020

Some years ago, I met a guy. He was kind of cute and we got along well, and we started dating; you know how it goes. He was into Buddhism and spent at least half an hour every day meditating. Cool, I thought.

He talked a lot about his uncle and his uncle’s master who had taught him for some time, too. He adored his uncle’s master. He was wise and patient and very kind. He knew all there is to know about life and meditation and he could levitate. 

Wait, what?

Yes, he confirmed, his uncle’s master could levitate his body by meditating. He could also create fire with his bare hands. What’s more, his uncle’s master’s master could talk to animals.

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t believe him.

He showed me a YouTube video of some guy in Indonesia setting some paper on fire with his hands. You can imagine how convincing it was.

He started digging up more YouTube videos. About reiki practitioners performing miracles. About how there were possibly two suns in our solar system. About aliens having replaced Vladimir Putin with an identical clone. The more absurd the story, the more he got into it.

I drew the line when he tried to replicate an experiment from some self-proclaimed alchemist to create a homunculus by injecting his own sperm into a hen’s egg, then incubating it under a woolly hat in his kitchen.

The whole journey from meditation to aliens took less than two months.

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You Gotta Know How To Push Your Partner’s Buttons

, , , , , | Romantic | June 18, 2020

My boyfriend grew up and lives in Australia half the year and Canada the rest. During the health crisis, he is working a temperature checkpoint at his work, which means that he is pulling double shifts. This also means that, despite everything, we do not get to speak more than twice a week because he is either working or sleeping or I’m the one asleep.

It has been two weeks at this point since our last call, which was our last conversation. I am at work when he sends me a message over Skype, which includes picture spam of my favourite character from an MMORPG, which he always knows cheers me up.

Me: “What’s with the picture spam?”

Boyfriend: “I feel like an a**hole.”

Me: “Why would you say that?”

Boyfriend: “Because I haven’t been around, and whenever I’m free I’m usually helping [Brother] with something or babysitting [Nephew] or neglecting you, and I’m sorry.”

Me: “So, to say sorry, you chose to send me a picture of [Character] in nothing but a loincloth on the beach?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Apology accepted.”

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Next Time, Date An Adult

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2020

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while, and since she has never been to an adult store, I decide to take her. When we are in the parking lot, I tell her to get her license ready and she says she doesn’t have it. I suggest that we go back for it since it isn’t too far, or that we could try to go in anyway and see if we get carded. I’m a few years older and haven’t been getting carded anywhere lately. We decide to see if we will get carded and walk in.

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Adult Store]. I just need to see your driver’s licenses, please.”

I show her mine.

Girlfriend: “I forgot mine at home.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but I need to see ID.”

I start to turn around, but my girlfriend starts to argue with the employee.

Girlfriend: “I’m twenty years old.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I still can’t let you in without ID.”

Girlfriend: *Gestures at me* “But she’s twenty-seven. Can’t she be my legal guardian or something?”

Employee: “I need to see both of your ID’s.”

Me: “Come on. Let’s go back for your license; it’s not that far.”

My girlfriend starts to get really snotty.

Girlfriend: “I’m twenty. I’m in college. I go to John Carroll. Do you know where John Carroll is?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in without your license.”

Girlfriend: “I go to John Carroll.”

Me: “Honey, they have to check. She could probably lose her job if she doesn’t check—”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, whatever. We weren’t going to buy anything, anyway.”

My girlfriend stormed out. I followed her, calling, “Sorry!” over my shoulder. I was so incredibly embarrassed! We later broke up over her immature behavior.

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It’s Pickle Slick!

, , , , , , , , | Right | June 12, 2020

My girlfriend and I are stuck at home and we’re ordering food through a delivery app. In the special instructions, she requests that the burgers have no pickles since she doesn’t like them.

When the food finally arrives, she eats her portion and I decide to eat mine later. When she’s finished, she angrily tells me to look at the s*** bag that we were delivered. I go to look and on the side of the bag there is a message that reads, “Ex-tra pickles. Have a great day :)”.

At this point, I tear open my burger to see if it has pickles — I love them, by the way! — and found none. I ask my girlfriend if hers had pickles and there were none on hers, either, so no harm done. She then goes into a rant while I try to explain to her that it was a joke on behalf of the fast food worker and that there was no harm done.

It even gets a chuckle out of me, which only makes my girlfriend angrier, and she continues on her rant about paying for a service and expecting seriousness and hiring a clown if she wanted humor.

I hope that whoever did this to the food finds this post so I can tell them that I appreciated the gesture to lighten the situation and that I apologize on behalf of my girlfriend.

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I Now Pronounce You Man, Wife, And Overbearing Mother

, , , , , | Related | June 7, 2020

My boyfriend grew up in a household with no boundaries and as such, no privacy. If you put a passcode on your phone, it was taken away. If you locked your door, the door was removed — except his parents’ bedroom, which probably explains why he has seven siblings. If you didn’t give every conceivable detail about where you were going when you left the house, you didn’t go.

One day, shortly after we start dating, we are watching a movie in their living room and I have to tell three of his siblings that they cannot just pick up my phone and look for games. Each time, they reply with something along the lines of, “It’s only a problem if there’s something to hide.”

I am getting more upset by the moment, so my boyfriend suggests going to the mall. We say goodbye to everyone but his mother swipes his car keys from his hand.

Mother: “Where are you going?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name] and I are going to the mall.”

Mother: “Who else?”

Boyfriend: “Nobody.”

Mother: “What stores?”

My boyfriend lists a few stores.

Mother: “How long will you be gone?”

Boyfriend: *Shrugs* “Two hours maybe.”

His mother looks at her watch.

Mother: “Be back in an hour. Dinner is [three hours from now].”

Me: “That’s barely enough time to get out there and back. “

His mother starts walking away with the keys.

Mother: “Then don’t go.”

I stand there, dumbfounded. My boyfriend goes and talks to her, convincing her that we can go for two hours if we take two of his youngest — and in my opinion, most annoying — siblings. I wanted to go to spend some time with him without them, but I relent because two siblings are easier to manage than all seven.

Boyfriend: “Don’t take her personally. She just likes to know what’s going on.”

Me: “I’m not taking it personally, but I do need some privacy.”

Ten-Year-Old: “Mommy says if you need privacy, you’re a sinner.”

I laugh quietly to myself.

Thirteen-Year-Old: “What?”

Me: “I guess I’m—”

Boyfriend: “Don’t do it.”

We spend the maximum time we can at the mall, coming home right at the two-hour mark. When we come back, I have to use the bathroom. I go in, close the door, and sit on the toilet. Less than five seconds later, the door flies open. His mother stands there, staring me down as I try to cover myself with my shirt.

Mother: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Peeing?”

His mother eyes me suspiciously.

Mother: “Don’t close the door.”

Instead of using the bathroom, I get up and leave. On my way out the door, my boyfriend stops me.

Boyfriend: “Hey. What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mother just told me I couldn’t pee with the door closed.”

Mother: “If you have to close the door to do something, you shouldn’t do it!”

Me: “Even the bathroom?”

Boyfriend: “You get used to it.”

Me: “No, I don’t think I will.”

He called me later that night, upset that I had left over such a “stupid thing.” I told him it wasn’t stupid and people should have a small amount of privacy, even if it’s just two minutes in the bathroom. He said I was overreacting and told me I should apologize. I broke up with him, instead.

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