When I’m With You, It’s Electric

, , , , , | Romantic | April 19, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

I’m Feline Crazy!

, , , , | Romantic | April 10, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it.”

Bye-Bi Mom!

, , , , , , | Related | April 10, 2018

(I have recently moved home with my parents, as houses and apartments are super expensive where I live, and my parents have multiple empty rooms. I did live at a college dorm, but after I graduated that was no longer an option. My girlfriend of a year and a few weeks comes over to help me move in.)

Mom: “Who’s your friend?”

Girlfriend: “Actually we’ve met, ma’am.”

Mom: “Really?”

Girlfriend: “Yes? At [My Name]’s birthday.”

Me: “Mom, her name is [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “Oh, sorry, I forgot. Anyway, are you a friend from college?”

(My girlfriend and I share a look.)

Me: “Kind of. She’s actually my girlfriend.”

(My mom apparently has no idea I’m bi, even though I told her years ago. At the time, she just got angry and told me it was a phase.)

Mom: “What?!”

Girlfriend: “Is that a problem?”

Mom: “Yes! My only daughter can’t be gay!”

Me: “Yes, I can, because I am!”

Mom: “Get out!”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Mom: “Both of you, out. And get all of your junk out of that room, too. You can’t stay here. What if [My Brother] gets gay, too?”

Girlfriend: *snorts*

Mom: “What’s so funny?”

Girlfriend: “He’s married! To a girl! He’s not going to just turn gay!”

Mom: “Of course not, because you’re both leaving!”

Girlfriend: “All right.” *to me* “Let’s go. You can stay with my roommate and me.”

Mom: “No! Who knows what sort of stupid s*** you’re going to talk her into?! She stays here!”

Me: “But you just told me to leave.”

Mom: “You’re messing with my brain and making me say stuff! Only the [slur] has to go.”

Me: *pauses to think and stare at Mom* “I think I will move in with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “GOOD RIDDANCE!”

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

, , , , | Romantic | March 28, 2018

It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

It’s Not Working Out

, , , , , | Romantic | March 20, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute after getting there when my boyfriend comes up to me, an odd expression on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, we need to talk.”

(I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions, but anyone in a relationship that hears those words combined with an odd expression on the other person’s face is bound to have a little heart attack. But, seeing as how the past few weeks have been wonderful between us, and he hasn’t given any indication of anything amiss, I figure he might be about to ask to stay at my house, since it is snowing very badly and he lives more than half an hour away. He leads me to the gym lounge that’s right next to the entrance of the building, and breaks up with me. In a gym. Not even after we’ve finished working out, but before. In a very public setting. I go to the bathroom to process what had just happened, and to bawl my eyes out for a bit. After a few minutes, I text him about taking me home, since I don’t exactly feel like working out right now, and he is the one that drove me there.)

Me: “Hey, can you please take me home? I’m not exactly up to doing anything right now.”

(A few minutes pass without response.)

Me: “Did you start working out?”

Now-Ex Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I can take you home.”

(So, to recap, he broke up with me, in a gym, not after we did what we came there to do, but beforehand, and still expected to go on like nothing happened. Am I being sensitive, or was that basically the relationship equivalent of polishing a crystal vase with a sledgehammer? And, on top of all that, the snow was so bad that he did end up staying the night with my family and me. I think it was a real contender for awkward dinner of the year.)

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