Word To The Pennywise On Relationships

, , , , , | Friendly | November 17, 2017

(My neighbor likes to do couple-themed costumes with his boyfriend every year for Halloween. Last year they went as Batman and the Joker. Later, during the spring, they went through a rough breakup. This Halloween, I stop by his house as I always do while taking my younger sister trick-or-treating and see him passing out candy with his new boyfriend. He’s wearing the same Batman costume as last year, while his boyfriend is dressed as Bill Skarsgård’s version of Pennywise.)

Me: “So, Batman, why are you suddenly hanging out with Pennywise?”

Neighbor: *in a deep voice* “I’m trying to make the Joker jealous.”

When A Ferret Becomes A Weasel

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are watching the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series. It’s my boyfriend’s first time watching it. In this movie, a teacher transforms a student into a ferret, a fun and memorable scene, concluded with another teacher running up and asking, “Is… Is that a student?” A short while later, there’s a scene depicting a big school dance, where the teacher who transformed the student sits in a corner with something on his lap.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. Pause. What’s that in his lap?”

Me: “That’s… Oh, haha, it’s a ferret!”

Boyfriend: “Is… Is that a student?”

Me: *rolling with laughter*

Boyfriend: “…on his groin?!”

Boo And Boo-Two, Too

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 11, 2017

(I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling both my boyfriend and my cat ‘Boo,’ which leads to confusion such as this.)

Me: *to the cat* “Hey, boo!”

Boyfriend: “Are you talking to me, or to the cat?”

Cat: “Meow!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that answers that question.”

Messy In More Ways Than One

, , , , , | Romantic | November 8, 2017

(I have a sore throat and just started my period. My boyfriend is off to the store to get me some supplies. I ask him to bring some honey for my sore throat, but he doesn’t write that on his list so I half-assume he will forget, as he tends to be quite forgetful. I hear him come home so I go downstairs to the kitchen, and see he has brought the honey.)

Me: “Oh, fantastic, you remembered!”

(Due to hormones, my gratitude is unbelievable and I start to tear up. My boyfriend then proceeds to conjure a HUGE chocolate bar from the grocery bag, holds it to my crotch and yells:)

Boyfriend: “SATAN HAS BEEN FED!”

(The humor and overwhelming gratitude, amplified by my period, get the best of me, and I start sobbing hysterically and smothering my boyfriend in the tightest hug.)

Me: *sobbing like crazy* “TH…TH…TH… THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend: *is genuinely TERRIFIED and stutters* “Wha… what did I do? Wrong flavor?”

Me: *still sobbing* “I LOVE YOU!”

(He carefully tried to pry himself free of my smothering embrace, seriously concerned about what was wrong with me. I finally calmed down and blamed it on the hormones. Now, every time the topic of periods comes up, he mentions this story again and how scared and confused he was. “Don’t ever do that again!” he begs me.)

Let’s Vaguely Saunter Into The Sunset

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are cuddled up watching TV and playfully talking about eloping. I am notoriously lazy.)

Me: “Let’s run away together!”

Boyfriend: “You realise the word ‘run’ is in there, right?”

Me: “Never mind. Let’s brisk-walk away together!”

Boyfriend: “That’s still moving, my love.”

Me: “Fine, then carry me to the car so we can drive off into the sunset… with you driving. I’ll be by your side forever! Passenger side.”

Boyfriend: *laughing and kissing my forehead* ” You’re such a romantic!”

Me: “I try.”

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