Leave This Story Out Of The Family Legend

, , , , | Romantic | December 12, 2018

(My boyfriend is in his last year of undergrad and studying for the GRE. I am a first-year pharmacy student. He has his General GRE exam tomorrow.)

Boyfriend: “Quick! Name a vocabulary word I should know! Go!”

Me: “Uh… ‘Sennachie.’”

Boyfriend: “The f*** is that?”

Me: “Mostly used in Scotland and Ireland to mean a professional storyteller of family genealogy, history, and legend.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I’ll be honest; I just looked up the word of the day on a dictionary site.”

Boyfriend: “You couldn’t have chosen a more realistic word to describe tone or something?”

Me: “Hey, I could have given you ‘sildenafil.’”

Boyfriend: “You also could have given me ‘magnanimous’ or ‘abstruse.’ What does yours mean? Is it a drug?”

Me: “Look it up!”

(It is the name of a brand of Viagra.)

Boyfriend: “Wow… You’re talking s*** about my d***, then? That’s how we’re playing this? I’ll go hard on you, right here, right now.”

Me: “Do you mean verbally or…?”

(He changed the subject after that.)

The Cartoon Is On A Never-Ending Lupin

, , , , | Romantic | December 10, 2018

(There’s a cartoon series that I really like, and I’ve finally talked my girlfriend into watching it with me. Note that she’s really into cars, and I’m not. We get a few episodes in, and she’s enjoying the series, when we see the main character driving for the first time, and she sits bolt upright.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! The car he’s driving! Do you know what that is?!”

Me: “Um… It’s an old car?”

Girlfriend: “That’s a Mercedes Benz SSK! That’s one of the rarest cars in the world! Less than 40 were ever made! Holy cow, I can’t believe they included that! That’s so awesome!”

(As she’s waxing poetic about the car, I remember what comes next in this episode, and freeze. Sure enough, only a minute or two after it appears onscreen, the driver crashes, and the cartoon car is totaled.)

Girlfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Girlfriend: “NOOOOOOOO!”

Me: “They wreck that car about once per episode. You’re probably not going to watch this with me anymore, are you?”

Girlfriend: “It may do bad things to my blood pressure.”

(She did eventually watch more of it with me, but the car remains a running joke between us!)

A Recipe For Disaster

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2018

(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

, , , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

, , , | Romantic | October 27, 2018

Me: “What do you want to do?”

Boyfriend: “It’s nice outside. Let’s close the blinds and pretend we don’t know.”

(We then watched Star Trek all night.)

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