No One Will Ever Believe You

, , , , | Romantic | September 18, 2020

My boyfriend and I are chatting online about how people have a hard time telling some people apart. Being Korean, I admit to having had trouble telling some Hollywood actors apart at first.

Me: “Like, Tom Hanks and… that guy in Ghostbusters.”

Boyfriend: “Bill Murray?”

Me:Yeah! That’s him!”

Boyfriend: “Really? Bill Murray and Tom Hanks?”

Me: “Yeah. They look really similar to me.”

Boyfriend: “They do?”

Me: “Yeah! To me, anyway.”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t see it.”

Me: “They’re so similar looking!”

I start searching up photos of the two actors to show in comparison, and on a whim, I search, “Tom Hanks Bill Murray look alike,” instead of searching for them separately. I find a bunch of composite pictures comparing the two actors already made by others and start sending them to him.

Me: “See? I’m not the only one who thinks they look similar!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t see it… and who’s that old guy that keeps popping up, anyway? The one in the middle with the kid.”

Me: “That’s Bill Murray! I think?”

I follow one of the pictures to an article detailing how a fan photo with Bill Murray sparked a discussion on whether it was Bill Murray or Tom Hanks on a Facebook community, and I send the article to my husband.

Me: “It is Bill Murray! See? I told you they look similar. I’m not the only one who thinks so… Wait. You couldn’t tell it was Bill Murray? No wonder you don’t think Tom Hanks looks like Bill Murray! You don’t even think Bill Murray looks like Bill Murray!”

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Two’s Company, The Whole Family Tree’s A Crowd

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 8, 2020

Shortly after finishing college, a boy I am dating invites me to spend a week in New York City with his family. It falls over our three-year anniversary, so he promises to take me out for a fancy dinner.

I am so excited! I pack a suitcase and drive to his house, expecting to see their minivan packed with bags and everyone getting ready to go. What I see, instead, is a bunch of vehicles parked in the yard and a bunch of people going back and forth between the house and the largest vehicles — mostly two fifteen-passenger vans.

My boyfriend comes out to greet me. 

Boyfriend: *Sheepishly* “Hey. Uh, so, you can say you don’t want to go if you don’t. I totally get it.”

Me: “What is… I thought this was a family thing?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but then [One Of His Brothers] found out you were going, so he wanted to take his girlfriend. And [Aunt] and [Uncle] wanted to come, but they have to bring their kids. It kind of… blew up?”

I nod, slowly taking it all in.

Me: “Uh-huh. So, how does this change things up there? Our reservations are for your immediate family and me.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, well, we’ll have our own room, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

It is, but I don’t want to say so because it seems shallow to not want to share a hotel room when I’m invited on a trip.

Me: “Okay, well, I already took off work, so I might as well go, right?”

The trip was an absolute disaster. We did not get our own room — even though we paid for it by ourselves — because the hotel was completely booked and the added family members didn’t want to stay elsewhere; we ended up sharing our room with his aunt and uncle and their three children. I’m pretty sure it was against policy to have seven people in a room that sleeps four but they never got caught and never offered to split the cost of the room, either.

We also never got our anniversary dinner date because his brother and girlfriend wanted to do a double date and wouldn’t take no for an answer; it later came out that they wanted to get away from their annoying, clingy family members. The irony escaped them.

My boyfriend was truly sorry and did his best to make it up to me when we got back. We dated for a while after that, but when the next family trip came around, I made my own bookings in my own name and put my foot down on sharing.

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Puss In Boots… But With A Mouse

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 23, 2020

My boyfriend and I are helping my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles clean out my grandma’s old house so we can put it on the market. Since my grandma’s cat died a few years ago, she’s switched to using mouse traps, which just aren’t as effective, and we’ve been finding periodic mouse nests in the basement and attic.

As an unexpected bonus, my family offers that if my boyfriend and I want any of the stuff that’s been left behind, we’re welcome to it; anything we don’t take is getting donated. Since we just moved in together, we’re still working on setting up a household, and we happily amass a pile of pots, pans, tools, bookshelves, books, and, my favorite find of the day, two pairs of cross-country skis and poles. One pair of boots is too small for him, but the other pair will just about fit me, so when we take a break for lunch, I take them outside to check the condition.

Me: “They look pretty good! I’m guessing the mice found them, though. Once I empty out the mouse beans, they should be fine.”

Boyfriend: *Laughing* “Mouse beans? That’s a very polite way of putting it!”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “Mouse beans? Definitely the cutest way of describing mouse poop I’ve heard.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “No, I’m being very literal. Here, look.”

Sure enough, the left ski boot was full of perfectly clean, dry pinto beans that the mouse must have stolen from my grandma’s pantry and cached for winter! Once my boyfriend got over his surprise, he had a good laugh, and the boots were in perfect condition, not a shredded corner or piece of mouse poop to be found. Apparently, mice follow the “don’t s*** where you eat” rule!

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Being Drug Along Isn’t So Bad, Right?

, , , , | Romantic | July 22, 2020

My boyfriend has led a much more exciting life than I have. He recently started talking about us going camping, which I’ve never done. We’re planning an upcoming camping trip with friends when I have a question.

Me: “So, what do you do when you camp?”

Boyfriend: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Like, you go and set up your tent and maybe go fishing or something, but how do you pass the rest of the day? What do you actually do?”

Boyfriend: “You can do whatever you want!”

Me: “Like what? What did you always do when you went camping?”

Boyfriend: *Pause* “I did drugs in the woods.”

Me: “Oh. That makes sense.”

Maybe I’ll bring a book.

This story is part of our S’Mores Day roundup!

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Vicious, Unrelenting Beatings

, , , , | Related | July 13, 2020

My boyfriend’s parents invite us out for a family vacation — something we’d both be a lot more interested in if his sister wasn’t also invited. She’s the sort who loves drama, and she doesn’t care whose expense it comes at or how much of it is true.

For example, in college, she spent a year telling everyone her brother, [Boyfriend], died in a fire when they were teenagers to get sympathy drinks, free tutoring, and everything else she could milk it for.

I fell off a ladder a few weeks prior to the vacation, leaving me with a broken wrist and a lot of bruising, and I just know she’s going to try and leverage that into a scenario where she can play at being the hero. Sure enough…

Sister: “[My Name], I’m a little concerned. You said you ‘fell,’ but you know you can tell me the truth. Was it [Boyfriend]’s fault?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Sister: “Has he been beating you?”

Me: “Ugh, yes, constantly!”

I see the smug satisfaction in her eyes as she opens her mouth to deliver a sanctimonious speech about how she can get me help, so I cut her off.

Me: “He beats me at chess, he beats me at Go, he beats me at Rocket League, and Overwatch, and Mario Kart… which is just not cool. I thought my Mario Kart game was top notch! If he wasn’t so sweet about it, it would be insufferable. Good thing I love him so much.”

I can see her getting impatient and it’s HILARIOUS.

Sister: “But does he hit you?!”

Me: “By accident sometimes, sure, but that’s why he mostly plays healing and support characters, and I mostly play DPS characters. We both know my aim is better.”

Sister: “…”

Me: “He’s getting way better about hitting our opponents instead of me, though! We make a good team.”

I left her there grinding her teeth and happily sauntered off to go talk about Cthulhu with my boyfriend and his mom. Later that night, [Sister] spotted the two of us sitting on the couch in our usual positions: me reading and him with his head in my lap, dozing and getting his hair petted. My honey is a six-foot-four snuggle kitten and well worth occasionally putting up with his drama queen of a sister!

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