The Key To A Failed Relationship

, , , , | Romantic | October 15, 2018

(I’m standing in the front of our store, cleaning tables and cabinetry, when I hear some shouting. Across the parking lot, in front of the local corner store, a young guy and girl — probably both about twenty years old — are arguing. Not really caring and wanting to finish up, I ignore them and continue working. About two hours later I happen to look out the front door again and see a guy shirtless on the roof of the corner store. Thinking he’s doing some stupid dare with his friends who are all standing in the parking lot looking at him, I call the store.)

Store Clerk: “Hello.”

Me: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that there is some half-naked guy walking around on your roof.”

Store Clerk: “Yeah, he’s up there looking for his keys. He and his girlfriend had a fight earlier out front, and he got angry and threw his own keys on the roof somewhere.”

Me: “Oh, wow. Well, I hope he finds them, I guess. Sorry for wasting your time.”

(He came down after a couple of hours and hadn’t found his keys. His car got towed the next day. It’s now been over six months, and a set of keys are still on that roof somewhere.)

Playing A Game Of Political Chairs

, , , , , | Romantic | October 13, 2018

(Australia’s frequent changing of Prime Ministers has become a running joke both there and in New Zealand, and they’ve just got a new one again. I’m getting ready for bed when I knock a stuffed koala off a shelf.)

Me: “Meh, I’ll just replace it. Isn’t that what the Australians do, just replace things?”

Girlfriend: “I’m going to get this for a whole month, aren’t I?”

Me: “Month? By the time that’s over, they will have gotten a new one again.”

Nintendos Before Hoes

, , , , | Romantic | September 29, 2018

(My friend is over for a night of video games and “bro time” when his girlfriend tries to video chat with him. Because he is playing the game, he doesn’t answer. This does not go over well with her; she calls repeatedly until he picks up. He puts the phone in his lap so he can keep playing.)

Girlfriend: “What the f*** are you doing that you can’t answer your phone?”

Friend: “I’m playing a video game.”

Girlfriend: “Where? Where are you right now? I got home and the apartment was empty!”

Friend: “I’m at [My Name]’s house.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t recall you telling me you were going there. Are there girls there?”

Friend: “Well… I did. And no. Look. I’ll be home later.”

Girlfriend: “No, you need to come home now.”

Friend: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “There’s dishes and laundry to be done, and I haven’t seen you all day. You can’t just run off and play video games whenever you want. You have responsibilities! Are your friends more important than me?”

Friend: “No, I’m just hanging out with some guys. I’ll help clean when I get home tonight.”

Girlfriend: “You know what? Don’t bother coming home!”

(He hangs up and keeps playing the game like nothing happened.)

Me: “Uh, don’t you want to… fix that?”

Friend: “She’s always saying crazy s*** like that. She doesn’t mean it. If I didn’t come home, she’d probably b**** about that, too.”

(They broke up shortly thereafter because she made the same threat and he didn’t come home “on time.” She locked him out of the apartment and threw all his things out the window. He’s crashing on my couch right now. She still calls every now and then, and yes, she’s still crazy.)

Giving Him An Earful

, , , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed watching TV. We are spooning, with me as the big spoon. He is really talented at watching TV and forgetting the world around him. I kiss his ear and he jumps up, freaking out.)

Boyfriend: “What the heck, babe?! Were you trying to slice my ear open or something?”

Me: *deadpan* “No, I need something sharp to do that.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Yeah, that’s true.”

(He snuggles back against me for a second before saying:)

Boyfriend: “I don’t know which is worse…”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “That that is your answer to why you didn’t slice my ear open, or that I accepted it without a second thought.”

Eye Should Stop Talking

, , , | Romantic | September 11, 2018

(My boyfriend is bad at giving compliments, and I’m bad at taking them. We’re both working on it. My boyfriend has blue-brown eyes that change colour depending on the lighting. I’m Asian and have the regular, brown Asian eyes.)

Boyfriend: “Your eyes are so pretty.”

Me: “Thank you. But they’re not as colourful as yours, though.”

Boyfriend: “No, they’re super colourful.”

Me: “They’re just brown.”

Boyfriend: “No, they’re also red.”

Me: “So, my eyes are bloodshot?”

Boyfriend: “NO! They’re not bloodshot. They’re just very pretty reddish-brown.”

Me: *skeptical*

Boyfriend: “And your eyes are so small.”

Me: “Are… Are you making fun of my Asian eyes?”

Boyfriend: “No! Not your eye shape! The holes in your eyes! It’s so small!”

Me: “Are you talking about my pupils?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, they’re so small, so I can see more of the coloured part of your eyes.”

Me: “So… basically I’ve got Anime villain eyes?”

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