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Wanna Be Put On The Spot?

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: batkevn | October 20, 2021

I worked as a server for a small, brand-new, family-owned restaurant. The place was one step below white tablecloth and had a bar on one side with the restaurant on the other. The owners were awesome and provided industry professionals to train us on how best to treat customers and maximize our tips. As an example of how effective this training was, on opening day I dropped an entire tray of drinks down a woman’s back, yet this family returned several more times and would only let me serve them. The owner brought them a parka the first time they returned.

One technique we were taught was to establish who was paying based on social cues and make sure they were happy. If a couple comes in and you believe the man is paying, make the woman feel like a queen. When it’s time to pay, she’ll likely encourage a higher tip. Incredibly effective.

As I finished taking an order, I noticed a family of four being sat in my section and stopped by immediately to introduce myself. My assessment was this: husband and wife, very nicely dressed, their beautiful daughter in her twenties (my age), and what I gathered was her boyfriend, wearing a suit and tie. Dad was very clearly paying, but the aspiring businessman here (the boyfriend) interrupted Mom when she was ordering her drink.

Boyfriend: “I’ll be ordering for the table.”

If looks could kill, the father would have taken out this young man and probably ten people in the bar area. Oh, buddy, your night is NOT going to go the way you thought.

Every time I returned to the table, I would face him, only look at and talk to him, and turn my back to the father. The daughter asked for something, I don’t remember what, and without ever acknowledging her, I asked the boyfriend:

Me: “May she have that?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

When I brought the bill, I set it right in front of him. They hung around for a while and I continued to check in and refill drinks while the bill remained untouched. I think Dad was making him sweat. Eventually, Dad grabbed the bill and put his card in. I brought back the receipt, thanked the young man for coming in, and walked away.

I was returning from another table when they were getting up from the table and the young guy moved to the door at a speed that made lightning look slow. The other three were all smiles, and the dad looked across the dining room and mouthed, “Thank you.” I gave him a smile and a nod and continued on my way.

I don’t remember how much the tip was, but I know it was good. Really good.

It must have been a small wedding because I never received an invite.

A Girlfriend By Any Other Initial… Would Complicate Matters

, , , , , | Romantic | October 15, 2021

My new boyfriend has been married before, as have I. He has a beautiful tattoo on his shoulder of a scrollwork cross with his former wife’s first initial in flowing script. One day, we are just sitting and talking, and the tattoo comes up, since I want to get one eventually.

He looks down and speaks quietly.

Boyfriend: “I guess I should get that removed, right?”

Me: “Of course not! It’s a beautiful work of art and represents an important part of your life.”

Boyfriend: “But every time you see it, you’ll be reminded of her.”

Me: *Gently but grinning* “Honey… what’s my first initial?”

He thinks for a moment and then remembers it’s the same and laughs.

Boyfriend: “So, instead of [Ex-Wife] it can stand for [My Name]!”

We had a good laugh, but the weird part came later. I was talking with a friend who knows about [Boyfriend]’s tattoo. Even after I explained the coincidence, she actually argued with me that I should make him remove it to “prove his love” to me. I suddenly had somewhere very important to be and we’ve barely spoken since.

O, Canaduh, Part 13

, , , , , , , | Related | October 13, 2021

My family is Canadian, but my brother moved to the States for work and has an American girlfriend. Everyone in the family likes her very much, but she sometimes gives the impression that she’s worried about fitting in and getting along with us.

It’s a couple of days after the 2021 Canadian federal election. I’m on a video call with my brother, and I tell him a joke. His girlfriend hears him laughing and comes in.

Girlfriend: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Oh, just a stupid joke about the election.”

Girlfriend: “Oh? Can I hear it?”

Brother: “It’s, uh, very Canadian. I don’t know if you’d think it was funny.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, come on. I wanna hear it! I bet it’s great!”

Me: “Um, okay. What’s the difference between [Politician] and a toilet?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know.”

Me: “A toilet has a seat.”

Girlfriend: “I… Oh. Um.”

Me: “Because, uh, [Politician] is a real scumbag and he’s a party leader, but he didn’t get elected in his riding, so he doesn’t have a seat in the House of Commons.”

[Girlfriend] is wearing the expression of someone desperately pretending that she both understands and cares.

Me: “Anyway, it’s a very silly joke. How are you, [Girlfriend]?”

I hope my brother later told her she doesn’t have to pretend to care about Canadian politics to impress anyone, since if she’s not interested, I can’t think of a bigger waste of her time.

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 12
O, Canaduh, Part 11
O, Canaduh, Part 10
O, Canaduh, Part 9
O, Canaduh, Part 8

Going To Unwelcome Lengths To Be Lazy

, , , , , | Friendly | October 13, 2021

My girlfriend and I have bought our first home and are waiting for the exchange. The previous owners seemed nice, if a little full-on (intense). They apologised throughout the viewings, promising to fix everything that honestly wasn’t up to scratch. We got a few of the things agreed as part of the sale.

We get the keys and drive over. We can see from the outside that several things haven’t been done. The fence still has a hole in it and the outside light still hasn’t been put back together.

Inside is the same — barely even what you would call clean.

Girlfriend: “Wow. They really didn’t lift a finger to help us, did they?”

Me: “After all their promises, as well.”

I take the box of kitchen stuff and she grabs the living room stuff.

Girlfriend: “Hey, look at this.”

I head to the living room. Instead of painting over the horrible mural as they promised, they stuck thirty or forty wall stickers all saying, “Welcome,” to it.

Me: “What the f***?”

Girlfriend: “I mean, it would have been quicker and surely cheaper to just paint it, right?”

Me: “Oh, man. What were they thinking?” *Peels a sticker off* “Look, it’s taking the paint off with it!”

We stayed up all night getting rid of the stupid stickers and painting over the ugly mural. We still joke about the not very welcome welcome.

High But Simple Standards

, , , , , , , | Related | October 3, 2021

My girlfriend is meeting my rather conservative parents for the first time. We’re both currently university students. She’s ethnically Chinese, has brightly dyed dreadlocks and a toned body, and speaks with a unique accent. My parents are quite a bit weirded out by her.

Mum: “So, where are you from?”

Girlfriend: “Short answer or long answer?”

Mum: “Short, please.”

Girlfriend: “If we’re being precise, an orphanage in rural China. If we’re not, Singapore. More or less.”

Mum: “Uh…”

Me: “The long answer is a list of places including Taiwan, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, and London.”

Girlfriend: “Don’t forget Canada.”

Me: “And Canada.”

Mum: “That’s… interesting.”

Girlfriend: *Shrugs* “My parents travelled around a lot. Singapore is where they currently live.”

Dad: “But where do you feel you belong? Where do you feel you’re from?”

Girlfriend: “Wherever my parents are.”

Dad: “That’s not very precise. How about which passport you have?”

Girlfriend: “I’ve got three different citizenships and passports, but I’m not really attached to any of them.”

Dad: “Okay. Okay. So, are you a Christian?”

Girlfriend: “Nope. My one true god is the Force and the Sith code.”

Dad: “Uh… don’t you mean the Jedi code?”

Girlfriend: *Shakes her head* “Sith fashion is cooler.”

Mum: “Uh… your hobbies?”

Girlfriend: “Fencing, paintball, Dungeons And Dragons, video gaming… Basically anything, as long as it’s fun.”

Dad: “What are you taking in university?”

Girlfriend: “Computer engineering. I’m not a bad programmer.”

Our dog comes up and distracts her, which allows my parents to pull me aside.

Dad: “Uh, son, are you really sure you want to date someone so… foreign?”

Mum: “Yes, she’s rather… exotic.”

Me: “I only ask three things from a girlfriend: be someone I can geek out with, be someone with an actual personality, and be down for anything. She ticks all those boxes and then some.”

Mum: “But she’s a bit… weird.”

Girlfriend: *Popping into the conversation* “Weird is good. Life would be too boring, otherwise.”

Me: “Agreed.”

We fistbump, and my parents make themselves scarce with sceptical looks. My parents — and most of the older folks in the family — have never really approved of her, but at least they are polite enough not to make a fuss out of it.

On the bright side, pretty much everyone else in the younger generations of my family (including the pets) finds my girlfriend awesome.