Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | February 14, 2019

(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

This Relationship Just Levelled Up

, , , | Romantic | February 4, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are in a voice call as we’re in a long distance relationship. He’s playing a video game while I’m reading through a few stories online.)

Boyfriend: “Is it wrong to kill ships that are two levels under me?”

Me: “No, it’s just EXP farming.”

Boyfriend: “And this is why I love you.”

Boobs Are Hot

, , , | Romantic | February 3, 2019

(It’s winter. I’m in the kitchen, baking bread. My boyfriend sits in the living room on the couch. After getting the bread out of the oven, I lift my shirt and let the warm air from the oven blow to my bare breasts. Seconds after I start running to the couch.)

Me: “Honey, touch my boobs! Touch my boobs!”

(He seems slightly confused, but obliges and realizes that they are warm.)

Boyfriend: “Did you just lift your shirt to get them warm from the oven?”

(I spot a big grin, nodding excitedly.)

Boyfriend: “Yes. That’s my wife. No one else could be that way!”

(I’m gonna marry him. His crazy matches my crazy perfectly!)

That’s How You Slide Out Of The Tape

, , , , | Romantic | February 1, 2019

(My girlfriend and I like going on road trips. This time, we’re flying to Austin to meet friends, then taking a rental car to San Francisco. Since we came by plane, there are a few things that we plan on buying at the starting point; for example, a big cooler box to sit in the back seat of the car — very useful on the road, but not something you’d take on the plane. We’ll buy one at the start of the trip and donate it at the destination before boarding the plane home. We are now joining our friend at the supermarket to shop for the last two things we need.)

Friend: “So, what are you and [Girlfriend] looking for, exactly?”

Me: “Duct tape and massage oil.”

Friend: *falling over backward laughing*

(I swear it made total sense to buy exactly those two things at exactly that point of time, not kinky at all!)

Mom Is Talking Baloney About Cannoli

, , , , , , | Related | January 29, 2019

(My sister and I have bought a house together, but my in-law sublet requires a bit of renovation that I did myself. I take my sweet time getting them done because I have difficulty motivating myself. A few weeks after officially moving in with my sister, I go to visit my mother, and after hanging out for a bit, she springs this on me:)

Mom: “You know, [Sister’s] boyfriend—“ *who lives with us* “—is very upset you ate his last cannoli. If you’re all going to be living together, you need to have appropriate boundaries.”

Me: “[Boyfriend] had cannolis?”

Mom: “Yes, and he was very upset you ate them.”

Me: “I didn’t eat them.”

Mom: “Figure this out between yourselves. I don’t appreciate being dragged into this. You’re all adults.”

(A little while later, a thought occurs to me…)

Me: “Are you sure he wasn’t talking about the donut I ate this morning? He had a box, and I asked if I could have one, and he said sure. It wasn’t the last one, and if he was saving it, he should have said something.”

Mom: “I don’t know, but you should really apologize.”

(I decide to text my sister’s boyfriend to see what’s going on.)

Me: “Hey, [Boyfriend]. What cannoli?”

Boyfriend: “?”

Me: “My mom’s saying it really upset you that I ate your last cannoli.”

Sister: “Hey, it’s [Sister]; I’m taking over texting for [Boyfriend] since he’s driving. What cannoli?”

Me: “That’s what I want to know! What did [Boyfriend] say to Mom?”

Sister: “The only thing [Boyfriend] said to Mom was, ‘[My Name] would have moved in a lot sooner if she knew how often I cook.’”

(I run the text conversation by my mother.)

Mom: “Hmm… Maybe that is what he said.”

(Later on, I get home. My sister’s boyfriend greets me with, “I don’t even know what the f*** a cannoli is!” I bought him a box of them the next day.)

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