When In Love, There Is No “Maybe”

, , , , , | Romantic | June 13, 2018

(My 16-year-old sister and her boyfriend are sitting together before church. A young girl who is in the Sunday school class my sister teaches walks up to them. My sister is shy and very easily embarrassed.)

Girl: “Hi, [Sister]! Hey, who’s that?”

Sister: “Oh, this is [Boyfriend].”

Girl: “Oh, okay.” *pauses* “Wait, is he your boyfriend?

Sister: *blushing furiously* “Er… Yes.”

Girl: *delighted* “Are you in love with each other?”

Sister: “Uh… Um… Heh… I really don’t know how to answer that—”

(The girl reaches out and pats her on the shoulder.)

Girl: “You just say yes, or no!”

This Is Not A Good Look For Her

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2018

(My girlfriend and I head downtown, where she has repeatedly told me she is going to get me a “surprise.” We stop at a restaurant across from a shopping mall. I order something small, while she orders a fancy half-order of eggs benny. Shortly, our waiter returns.)

Waiter: “Okay, so, there was a mix-up in the kitchen, and instead of making you a half-order, they made you a full order. But don’t worry; we’ll only charge you for the half-order.”

(At this point I’m thinking, great! We can split it! Awesome!)

Girlfriend: “Actually, I want to head across the street for a bit. Can you just hold this for me until I come back?”

Waiter: “Well… we won’t be able to hold it; we’d just make you a new one when you get back…”

Girlfriend: “Okay, I’ll be back soon!”

(I was completely stunned. I wish I had told her to just stay and eat her food, but I was so speechless at her actions I just sat there staring at her as she left. The waiter went to the kitchen to throw the perfectly good meal in the garbage, and returned to ask me to move to a different table off in the corner. I then sat there for an ENTIRE HOUR waiting for my girlfriend to return, and when she got back acted like it was a completely normal thing to do, waited for and ate her original half-order of breakfast, and we left with her acting all bubbly and excited for the rest of the outing we’d had planned. I was too humiliated to personally apologize to our waiter, so I just left him a note on our table and tipped him 100%. When we got home, that night, she finally gave me my surprise: a ”sexy” new outfit for herself. She had taken so long because she had to keep trying on different ones. I wanted to strangle her.)

Just Keep It Away From The Bifrost

, , , , , | Romantic | June 9, 2018

(My girlfriend and I have not been intimate yet, but we can get a little frisky over the phone. At one point, I mention the necessity for her to come up with a name for my member.)

Me: “By the way, you should, like, probably think up a name to refer to… him.”

Girlfriend: *laughing* “Thor’s hammer!” *more laughter*

Me: “But his hammer was destroyed! By Hela’s grip nonetheless… his sister! Wow, I never put that together until just now. That’s kind of disturbing.”

Girlfriend: “But it’s an amazing name.”

Me: “You’re right. But are you worthy?”

Girlfriend: *arrogantly* “Well, I was able to lift it, so…”

Me: “Touché.”

Awaiting The Frozen One

, , , , , | Right | June 8, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are at a bowling center to celebrate the birthday of a good friend. Everyone is having drinks and my boyfriend orders a chicken burger to eat.)

Waiter: “Here you go; one chicken burger. Enjoy your meal!” *walks away*

Boyfriend: “Hey, [My Name]. Could you try the burger? I think it is still frozen in the middle.”

(I try the burger and the chicken is indeed frozen. We call up the waiter to complain about it.)

Boyfriend: “Excuse me, but the chicken is still frozen inside. Also, the burger is pretty cold itself.”

Waiter: “I’m terribly sorry. Do you want a new chicken burger, or can I bring you something else?”

Boyfriend: “A new burger will do, thanks.”

(The waiter walks away. Meanwhile, I chat with a friend until I see the waiter returning with the new burger. I turn back to my boyfriend, only to see him stuffing half of the frozen burger inside his mouth. I am shocked. The waiter puts down the new plate and grabs the plate with the now noticeably smaller, old burger.)

Waiter: “Wait a minute. Did you just eat half of the burger you just complained about?”

Boyfriend: *while still chewing* “No! I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why would I do that? That would be pretty stupid.”

(The waiter looks disbelieving, but then walks away, probably thinking he is mistaken.)

Me: “What did you do that for? You got a new burger!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, so? I’m really hungry and I didn’t want to pay for two burgers. It was a happy coincidence.”

(At the end of the evening, I gave the waiter a huge tip to compensate for the behavior of my boyfriend.)

How To Be His B****

, , , , | Romantic | June 7, 2018

(My boyfriend likes to try and be cute by making a certain sound when he sees me. Unfortunately, knowing what the only other circumstance he uses that sound under is dampens the effect somewhat.)

Boyfriend: *makes the sound*

Me: “Noooo…”

Boyfriend: “I love youuuu…”

Me: “And yet the sound of affection you make at me is also the one you make at dogs!”

Boyfriend: “…but I also love dogs.”

(He still makes that sound at me.)

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