Sometimes Loved Ones Can Talk Real Crap

, , , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2019

(My boyfriend has to have emergency surgery to remove an abscess in his a**. As he recently moved here he doesn’t have a place of his own and is staying with me, which is handy as he does need some help to look after the wound. As he needs to shower after every time he poops and I’m the one who washes his wound, I often wait in the bathroom for him to finish. He has been feeling down with all this, so I start give him a hug while he is on the loo.)

Boyfriend: “Why don’t you find this uncomfortable or disgusting?”

Me: “You’re not pooping out of this end.”

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How Can She Still Be A Ray Of Sunshine Without Caffeine?

, , , , , | Hopeless | September 10, 2019

(I work with one of the sweetest girls on the earth. She constantly looks out for the younger teens, takes on more than her fair share of work, and makes sure everyone gets their break. She’s not a manager because they don’t offer enough, but everyone loves her. She is pure sunshine and always a happy person who dresses in bright colors and is always cheerful. Ironically, she’s the one we always call to deal with the angry or irritated customers because she can always calm them down. Today, I see this huge guy — he’s at least 6’5” and has to weigh at least 240 pounds — come in dressed in leather with tattoos, a beard, and longer hair. He looks like he could and would break everyone in half. He’s carrying a coffee, which is against our rules; no outside food or drink are allowed. I radio over my headset for her, letting her know this guy has coffee, and she radios back that she’ll be right over. She literally squeals when she sees him and his face lights up. He then hands her the coffee and kisses her on the cheek and she grabs his hand and drags him over to meet me, where I’m standing with my mouth open.)

Coworker: “This is my guy! [Guy], this is one of the coworkers I work with.”

Guy: “Nice to meet you. Sorry about breaking the rules, but her coffee pot broke last night and I knew she needed some caffeine.”

(We stood there chatting a bit and I found out that he helps out with the local kids’ hospital, volunteers at the animal shelter, and basically is wrapped around my coworker’s finger. Just goes to show that you can’t judge a book by its cover.)

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We All Know Who Is Bringing Home The Bacon In This Relationship

, , , , | Romantic | August 11, 2019

(I have brought home some sort of artisan smoked bacon gouda. My boyfriend reads the package and sneers disdainfully.)

Boyfriend: “This bacon-everything craze is overrated. It’s probably gross.”

Me: “Yeah, but it was half-off clearance, so I figured why not?” 

(I say this, turning my back momentarily. I turn back around to see my boyfriend, eyes dilated with the remains of the package that looks like it’s been ravaged by a raccoon.) 

Boyfriend: “Can… can you get more?”

Me: “Did you even save me any?!”

Boyfriend: “NO!” *snarls, backing away and gathering his beard crumbs possessively*

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From Myspace To Sharing Space

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 4, 2019

Years ago, my best friend, who is male, met a really cool girl who liked all the same music that he did. There was never anything there romantically, but they often went to gigs together and he would show me the photos afterward.

Despite the fact my best friend had become close with this girl, I never actually met her, but I had seen photos on social media and had spoken over MySpace — under a ridiculous emo name — etc.

This was about ten years ago, when we were all heading to university and we lost touch. My best friend moved far away and my online-only friendship with this girl ended.

Over a year ago, a new guy started working at my office, and there was an immediate attraction. I recognised his face and his surname. Pre-transition, he had been the girl that I used to chat with online! I didn’t want to say anything, because he passed well and no one in the office knew. So, I kept quiet.

This guy and I got very close very quickly. Just for context: I am a stereotypical girly-girl. Long hair, likes makeup and dresses, etc. And before long, I asked him out on a date.

The date went brilliantly, and one date became two, and two became more. My boyfriend still hadn’t broached the subject of his gender, which was fine. But I could tell that he was worried about telling me, and he later admitted that he had dug himself into a hole about it.

One day, my boyfriend sat me down. He was somber. I honestly thought that someone in his family had died! The moment had come. Before he had a chance to speak, I put the poor bloke out of his misery.

I explained that I was pansexual, and that I knew who he was. I showed him my old emo MySpace. Suddenly, he remembered who I was! We had a good laugh about it.

We’d both done the exact same thing to each other: kept quiet just to not rock the boat. Sums us both up, really.

We’re still together and happy. I plan to ask him to marry me on his birthday next month.

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Eduardo On The Other Eye Is Still Safe

, , , , , | Romantic | August 2, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are laying in bed discussing the day, and I notice something. I’m a little sleepy and giggly.)

Me: “You’ve got a long hair in your ear!”

Boyfriend: “I’m getting ooooold.”

Me: “I’m not kidding. It’s, like, half an inch long!”

Boyfriend: “I mean, you’ve seen my super long eyebrow hair, right?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. This one?”

(I reach out to pull it a bit and it just comes right out.)

Me: “Oh, no! No! It came out!”

Boyfriend: “JEREMY, NOOOOO!”

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