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He Needs A Nanny, Not A Girlfriend

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 25, 2022

I got food poisoning in college. My boyfriend offered his apartment to rest during the day; it was more comfortable and private than my dorm, he had classes all day, and his roommate was already gone for winter break. He came back in the evening while I was asleep.

Boyfriend: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Boyfriend: “How are you feeling?”

He slipped his hand up my shirt.

Me: “No.”

I pushed his hand away.

Boyfriend: *Disgusted sound* “Did you sleep all day?”

Me: “Uh, mostly.”

Boyfriend: “I know you’re sick, but you could still, like, load the dishwasher or make dinner or something. My mom always had the house clean, even when she was sick.”

He tried again for my shirt.

Boyfriend: “I can make you feel better.”

Me: “I came over because I’m sick, not because you need a housekeeper or a mom. Stop touching me. I’m serious.”

I slapped his hand and he withdrew.

Boyfriend: “You really didn’t do anything all day?”

Me: *Sarcastic tone* “Well, I threw up a couple of times.”

Boyfriend: “When my mom was sick, she still took care of me and my dad!”

I started to stand up.

Boyfriend: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m going back to my room.”

Boyfriend: “But—”

Me: “I can’t talk to you right now. I’m sick. I’m angry. I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

I called him the next day but he rejected the calls. Then, I found a letter taped to my door saying we should no longer see each other because his mother didn’t like me. My friends and I referred to him as “Oedipus” for a long time.

Let’s Face It: Love Is Weird

, , , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2022

I have been trying to tell my girlfriend I love her for a couple of weeks. We are playing video games next to each other at her place. I am also painting my nails, so I have been using my chin to play my game.

She looks at me struggling with my game.

Girlfriend: “I love you.”

Cue us both looking at each other in panic.

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry!”

Me: “Did you mean it?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “Okay, well, I love you, too.”

Girlfriend: “I feel bad; it could have been more special.”

It was a very “us” moment. It made me feel really special that she saw me acting weird and her first thought was that she loved me.

This Meet-The-Parents Is Circling The Drain

, , , , , , , | Related | January 5, 2022

The first time I met my in-laws, when my husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend, I was nervous about making a good first impression. Introductions went well, and we seemed to get along fine.

As one does, I eventually excused myself to use their restroom. Having used the last bit of toilet paper on the roll, I got a new roll from under the sink and proceeded to switch it out with the empty one.

You know how a lot of toilet paper roll holders have springs inside them? Well, that was the day I learned that if a holder’s spring is taut, it can “jump” out of your hand in such a way as to shoot directly down the drain of the toilet bowl. 

It disappeared completely.

Now, imagine: you’re already sure the people who have graciously welcomed you into their home are going to be your in-laws one day. They’re going to be in your life for a long time. You’ve known them for about an hour. And you’ve just sent their toilet paper roll holder down the toilet. 

After admitting to myself it wasn’t a bizarre dream, I had to go back out to the front room and try to explain what had happened. They were as confused as I was; even after borrowing a neighbor’s plumbing snake, the holder was nowhere to be found.

It’s been close to twenty years since that happened, and I still make sure toilet bowl lids are completely closed before switching toilet paper rolls. I’m sure the odds of it ever happening again are close to nothing, but the odds of it happening once had to have been incredibly low, too!

If You’re Going To Use Your Heart, You Also Have To Use Your Head

, , , , , | Romantic | December 23, 2021

My ex-boyfriend lived in Vancouver, Canada, and I had a long-distance relationship with him. On my first visit, my ex decided that we would go from the suburbs where he lived into the main city to spend the day.

We planned well in advance, we brought cash for spending money, we and took public transport. I did enjoy seeing the sights, visiting the CF Pacific Centre (the largest mall), and wandering. But I kept a sharp eye on my money, tucking away the change so that it could be put toward train tickets back to his house. Since the ticket systems didn’t give change, it was wisest to save all the coins to try to get exact change for a ticket, or else we’d lose out on whatever wasn’t perfect.

At the end of the day, we were done and headed back toward the train station. It was at this point that a man approached to beg for change. 

My ex, in a stroke of too much generosity, delved into his pockets and gave the beggar all of his change. After we moved on:

Me: “What were you thinking?!”

He went on a monologue about needing to be generous and to help those in need.

Me: “I don’t mind helping those in need, but we were supposed to be using that change to get home. The change I have is perfect for a single ticket. The rest of what I have is in tens and twenties; we’ll lose money if we use them.”

My ex blew it off with a lot of dismissive hand-waving, shoved his hand into his pockets, and realized how badly he had just messed up. Muttering a lot of uh-ohs and oopses, he proceeded to delve into each and every one of his pockets, until he realized that he had no money left at all! He had spent the last of his cash on dinner, and he had just given away all of his Toonies ($2 coin), Loonies ($1 coin), and change to the beggar.

Now we were stuck in a big city, tired, and all the banks were closed for the day.

In the end, we had to go to a fast food chain and ask if they were willing to break one of my bigger bills. Thankfully, they were willing, so I bought something small so the register would open and got us the change we needed.

My ex was very subdued on the trip home.

Man, This Guy Is Just COLD

, , , , , | Romantic | December 10, 2021

In the winter of 2020, we have snow for the first time in years. My boyfriend suggests a late-night walk in the freshly fallen snow. I like snow for its prettiness, but I severely dislike the cold that comes with it; it wreaks havoc on my rheumatism, causing severe pain in my back. But I shake it off and go with him on this walk… where he continuously throws snowballs in my direction.

Me: “Please don’t throw snowballs at me. My back in particular is really bad today.”

Boyfriend: “But snowball fights are fun! Why do you always dislike fun things? Besides, it’s very powdery snow; it can’t possibly hurt you.”

Me: “That’s beside the point. I just asked you if you couldn’t throw snow at me, please.” 

Boyfriend: “But… it’s fun!”

He continues to throw snow in my direction, telling me he isn’t aiming to hit me and calling me paranoid. Then, a snowball hits me square between the shoulder blades, and it literally feels like I’m being stabbed with a huge, blunt knife, so I yell out in pain. 

Boyfriend: “Oh, come on. That couldn’t have hurt!” 

Me: *In tears* “How would you feel if I punched you in the back again and again and again and told you to grow a pair?” 

I storm off, trying to avoid further arguments and longing for a hot shower to relieve the pain. He has the house key, however, and I don’t, so I’m forced to wait by the front door for him. I’m still shaking with rage, cold and hurt, when he catches up to me. 

Boyfriend: “So, are you done with your little tantrum? I was trying to have a nice evening out, and I can’t help if every tiny little thing hurts you. It ruins things for me, you know.”

File under reason number 2978972 why he’s my ex now.