Managed To Turn It All Around

, , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2017

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”

Boyfriend: “Then I won’t turn around, because I don’t like those.” *keeps tapping away on the computer*

(Suddenly, I see a little video-screen displaying the study pop up on the computer screen. The image is clearly coming from the webcam on the computer. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for my boyfriend, my naked body is completely covered by the back of the chair. We both begin to laugh uncontrollably.)

Boyfriend: “Drat! Now I have to turn around anyway!” *turns around and gives me a kiss*

The Definition Is Fluid

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 10, 2017

(I have made some new friends, and I am discussing them with my boyfriend.)

Me: “…and then there’s [Friend’s Name], but they usually go by [Gender-Neutral Name].”

Boyfriend: “Because she’s a tomboy?”

Me: “Not really. They described themselves as gender-fluid.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “You know? Someone who identifies as being either gender?”

Boyfriend: *look of realisation” “Oh! That’s what that means!”

Me: “What did you think it meant?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t want to say.”

Me: “You thought it was an actual fluid didn’t you?”

Boyfriend: “…maybe.”

Me: *jokingly* “And what did this magical fluid do? Make you change genders?”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “Seriously!?”

Boyfriend: “There’s medical breakthroughs every day!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re focusing more on curing cancer than making you a drink to give you a vagina!”

This Instrument Blows

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 8, 2017

(In the early days at my new university, I rebound hard into a relationship with a terrible person. I am an emotional wreck for a laundry list of reasons going into it, and am likely going through a bout of real depression, which she makes considerably worse. She belittles me, yells at me, and mocks me frequently. About halfway through our short relationship, I am sitting in her living room having a conversation with her and her roommate.)

Me: “I think it would be awesome to have the ability to just pick up any instrument in the world and know how to play it well. Especially the stranger ones.”

Her: “Oh, yeah? Do you know how to play the skin flute?”

(As stated before, I am not in a good emotional [and therefore mental] state, and when she says, “skin flute,” my brain produces an image of a PAN FLUTE and I accept it. I respond accordingly.)

Me: “No, I don’t, but that would really be cool to learn. I’ve seen some people do some neat things with those.”

Her: *whips a shocked look over at her roommate, who returns it*

(I am confused as to why they would look so shocked by me happily admitting that I’d like to know how to play [what I think is] a pan flute, but the subject changes and life continues… until weeks later when I finally end that mistake of a relationship and begin the work of repairing my life. A couple weeks after the breakup, I have some memories cross my mind, including that exchange. It is then that my brain finally decides it’s time to appropriately remember what a “skin flute” is.)

Me: *alone* “…HEY!”

Pregnant With Concern

, , , , , | Romantic | September 5, 2017

(Recently, my 18-year-old daughter has been going through some health issues, and her boyfriend has been nothing but accommodating and helpful. My daughter tells me about a recent text conversation:)

Boyfriend: “What are you doing?”

Daughter: “Watching Netflix.”

Boyfriend: “What are you watching?”

Daughter:Call The Midwife.”

(A few minutes pass, then my daughter receives the following text.)

Boyfriend: “There are about a dozen in the city. Did you have one in mind? What do you need a midwife for? Is it an emergency?”

(It took my daughter a second to realize he actually thought she was telling him to call a midwife [no, she’s not pregnant], and not just watching a television show with that name. Once she stopped laughing, she explained about the show, and what a midwife is actually for [he didn’t know]. It’s funny, but it just shows what a nice boyfriend he is.)

My Moon And My Stars

, , , | Romantic | September 4, 2017

(I’m swapping silly “I love yous” with my significant other:)

Me: “Also, I earths you.”

Me: “…and moons…”

Me: “…and other assorted celestial bodies.”

Significant Other: “You moons me?”

Me: “Uh… that was maybe poorly phrased.”

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