Hit The Motherlode

, , , , , , , | Friendly Romantic | November 15, 2019

(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out in the starting town when a random low-level player starts following me. Note: I’m 30 and she’s 27, and we’ve both been playing this game together since high school.)

Random Player: “Hey, [My Username]!”

Me: “Yes?”

Random Player: “Free money, please?”

Me: “You can make money by killing goblins or cows, or by fishing or mining.”

Random Player: “I don’t want to do that! Give me 500k or I’ll do your mom in bed!”

Me: “Okay, that’s actually very disturbing.”

Random Player: “What, can’t handle me sleeping with your mom?”

Girlfriend: “No, he means it’s disturbing that you’re turned on by sixty-year-old married women.”

(The random player briefly stands there, silent, and then runs off without saying another word.)

Me: *shouting out of my office to my girlfriend* “You’re definitely a keeper, babe!”

(She responded by making her avatar blow my avatar a kiss in-game. A moment later, she waltzed into my office and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We have now been married for three years, and we still play that MMO together from time to time.)

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Putting His Parents Straight

, , , , , | Related | November 14, 2019

(I am meeting my boyfriend’s family for the first time. He warns me that his mother is very mother-hennish. Here’s what happens when I approach the front door. It’s worth noting that I have a unisex name.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, Mom and Dad, I want you to meet my… girlfriend.”

(When I walked in the door, they had a giant poster with the LGBTQ symbol on it, saying, “Celebrating [My Name] and [Boyfriend], who finally came out of the closet!” The look on their faces was enough to make any girl doubt her relationship when they saw that I’m a skirt-wearing, female-born girl. Later on, though, they apologized for the confusion, but I never went over to their house again, and we broke up six months later.)

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This Conversation Went South Super Fast

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(Something they never tell you until you move to a southern state is that Southerners get very touchy about what actually constitutes “The South.” It’s a particularly sore spot in places like Oklahoma, where geographically the state straddles three different regions. My boyfriend is Oklahoma born and bred, and has some strong opinions on the culture.)

Friend: “Oh, c’mon, Oklahoma isn’t the South! You gotta earn your cowboy boots!”

Boyfriend: What?! Oklahoma historically invented cowboy culture! You’re from Virginia! All you invented was f****** slavery!”

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These Nuts Are Rated R

, , , | Romantic | November 3, 2019

Me: *struggling to open a pistachio shell* “Just give me the nut!”

Girlfriend: *not missing a beat* “Maybe you should say ‘please.'”

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My Girlfriend Is Not Always Right

, , , , , | Romantic | October 17, 2019

(My girlfriend and I go to the store to buy food for the week. She works retail and I work in food. As we arrive at the store, we talk about things customers say that are ALWAYS annoying. However, at the register, this happens:)

Cashier: “Huh… this won’t scan.”

Girlfriend: “Won’t scan, huh?”

Me: “No…”

Girlfriend: “Then–”

Me: “Stop!”

Girlfriend: “I guess–”

Me: “Don’t!”

Girlfriend: *with a cringe* “It’s free.”

Me: “Why?!”

Girlfriend: “I honestly don’t know.”

(The cashier was less than amused.)

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