I’m working in the produce section, stocking some new bananas, and a customer comes over to me.
Customer: “Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?”
Me: “No, sir, I didn’t know that.”
Customer: “It’s totally true. Think about it. When was the last time you ate a monkey?”
Me: “That’s… I…”
Customer: “This is why I shouldn’t shop without the wife…” *Wanders off*
A friend and I are customers in a shop, mostly just doing the tourist thing. Someone’s kids are sprinting around the store doing a hide-and-seek kind of game around the shelves. They’re noisy but not destroying anything, so I’d count that as a small blessing for the staff.
Friend: “Hey, let’s get lunch after this. My stomach is starting to gnaw at me.”
I grab my phone and use it to Google food places nearby, and we find a fish place with pretty good ratings. We’re kind of gathered around my phone, looking at their online menu.
Me: “Their parmesan pollock looks pretty good…”
Kid’s Voice: “Pollock!”
I look up, surprised, as one of the kids goes sprinting through the store yelling “pollock” loudly like he just learned a new swear word. My friend snorts in amusement, and I shrug. It doesn’t take two minutes for the other kids in the store to take up the new word.
Friend: “I guess it does kind of sound like a word you’d say when you stub your toe…”
I snicker.
Apparently, the kids’ mom thinks so, too, because she storms over to us while we stand in line and starts berating us for “teaching children bad words”.
Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t teach your children any bad words.”
Mother: “Then why are they yelling that word all over the store?”
Me: “Because they probably don’t know what it means, just that it sounds like it might be a bad word?”
Mother: *Crossing her arms* “If it’s so harmless, then maybe you should explain the word.”
She has a smirk as if she thinks she has caught me in a lie and I’m going to fumble with the explanation.
Me: *Rolling my eyes* “Fine. It’s a fish.”
Mother: *Blank stare* “Excuse me?”
Me: “A pollock is a member of the cod family.”
Her blank stare continues.
Me: “Cod. You know, like codfish? We’re going to a fish restaurant, and I want to try it.”
Mother: *Suspiciously* “If it’s called cod, then why did you call it a pollock?”
I open my phone and show her.
Me: “Because it’s called pollock on the menu.”
The woman scowled at my phone for a long time and then turned and stomped away, muttering about made-up words to hide swear words.
My friend and I paid for our items and left the store, still occasionally hearing a child’s voice yell, “Pollock!” The fish, swear word or not, tasted great, by the way.
I’m a woman with a pixie cut. I like to have an undercut and spike it up to keep me cool at work. Both members of a married couple have grabbed an item they only need one of. He hands me the extra one.
Husband: “Put this back; we accidentally grabbed two.”
Wife: “You should do it because it’s our fault and she’s clearly busy.”
Husband: “That’s her job.” *Pauses* “Or his or their job… I can’t tell anymore these days.”
Me: “I’m a woman.”
Husband: “Oh, good. I can’t deal with pronouns today. We didn’t have pronouns back in my day.”
I just looked at the wife, who face-palmed and forced the transaction along before he could say anything else.
Customer: “I was waiting in line for a long time.”
Me: “Sorry, the last customer paid with a check, and I haven’t done one of those in a while. It kinda blindsided me.”
Customer: “Oh, so [Store] hires people who use disabilities as an insult, do they?”
Me: “I… uh… No, it’s just a phrase.”
Customer: “The N-word was once just a phrase!”
Me: “Pretty sure that was always a derogatory insult from the beginning. ‘Blindsided’ just means—”
Customer: “I know what it means and stop saying it!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause offense.”
I process the transaction in silence.
Customer: “That item is supposed to be 10% off!”
Me: “Oh, that sale actually starts tomorrow, but I can apply the discount now for you.”
Customer: “Seriously, so dumb.”
The customer was sadly… blind to the irony.
Related:
Deaf To Reason, Part 16
Deaf To Reason, Part 15
Deaf To Reason, Part 14
Deaf To Reason, Part 13
Deaf To Reason, Part 12
One of my funnier stories in court was merely the swearing-in of a witness. The man was Italian. I asked him to hold the Bible out in his right hand. As he did so, I said:
Me: “The evidence you shall give, touching the matter now before this court, shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Please say the words, ‘So help me God.’”
With a serious disposition and in a loud, thick Italian accent, the man replied:
Man: “Touching this here Bible, I swear I tella no bulls***!”
The courtroom — from the Magistrate to the back of the public gallery — erupted in laughter!
