I’ve been working on getting a permit to build an extension on my house; such permits are required where I live. Most government services in the area are run out of the county courthouse. If you don’t know the phone extension for a specific office or employee, you call the courthouse’s main number and the receptionist transfers you to the right person.

I have a question about one of the forms I have to submit to the county zoning office, but I don’t know their direct number, so I call the courthouse’s main number. The receptionist answers, I explain what I need, and she agrees to transfer me. I’m on hold for a few minutes when the next person picks up.

Employee: “Hello, this is [Employee] in Licensing. How can I help you today?”

Me: “I have a question about [form].”

Employee: “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

Me: “I have a question about [form]. I’m looking for a permit to build an addition on my house, and I have to submit [form] to be approved.”

Employee: “This is the licensing office. We don’t have anything to do with zoning or building permits.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your receptionist transferred me to this extension.”

Employee: *Under his breath* “God d*** that stupid woman!” *More clearly, to me* “I understand. The courthouse recently hired a new receptionist. She’s been transferring calls to random extensions all week because she’s too lazy to actually learn which department deals with each issue. Do you have a pen and paper ready? I can’t transfer you directly to the zoning office, but I can give you their direct number instead of making you deal with our receptionist again.”

Me: “That would be great. I’m ready for the number.”

Employee: “The zoning office is [phone number]. Since you’re here, is there anything you need help with as far as licensing is concerned?”

Me: “Nope, nothing. Thanks for helping!”

Employee: “You’re welcome! Have a great day, and good luck with your addition!” *Under his breath, as he’s hanging up* “And now to yell…” *Click*

We’ve elected not to give our eleven-year-old daughter a cell phone because we’d rather not have her join the bandwagon of having her face glued to it every waking hour of the day. With that said, we’ve let her know that her friends are welcome to call the house phone as long as they use proper general phone etiquette. For the most part, all of them have… except one particular girl.

To say this girl is a poster child for phone addicts would be a vast understatement. She rings the house as many as ten times a day, to the point where I have to change the ringtone on the phone after getting tired of hearing it. If my daughter isn’t at home, this girl calls literally every ten or fifteen minutes asking again for her. The calls are never anything important: “I’m at the shoe shop with my mom. Is [Brand A] or [Brand B] better?” “Some girl likes this boy.” “Some girl said this and that at cheerleader practice.”

I’ve tried patiently asking the girl to limit her calls to once a day, but she has blatantly disregarded the request, and she’ll say, “Okay, this is the last call for the day, okay?” and then call later and say, “Just ten seconds! I have to tell her something real quick!”

Our family leaves for two weeks during the Christmas holiday season, and when we return, I discover 227 missed calls on the phone and our voicemail completely full; each and every message is from that little brat. After spending a solid twenty minutes manually deleting them all, I call and inform her that she is permanently banned from calling our house.

Only two hours later, the phone rings with her number, and I am near speechless.

Girl: “Is [Daughter] there?”

Me: “Did you not understand what I said to you earlier?”

Girl: “I know, I know, but this is really important. I promise!”

Me: “What is it?”

Girl: “It’s kind of private… but I promise, it’s an emergency. I really have to talk to her. Two minutes, tops!”

Me: “Last call, understand?”

I hand my daughter the phone long enough for her to say, “Hello?” and then put the phone back to my ear to see what it is.

Girl: “Oh, my God, [Daughter], you are not going to believe this! I was at [place] and spotted [Boy] and [Other Girl] holding hands! I swear on the Holy Bible, I saw it!”

Me: “GOODBYE, [GIRL]!”

I hung up. And, astonishingly enough, it took three more intercepted calls over the following week before she finally got the message. It’s just a shame some parents won’t teach their kids phone etiquette.

I saw someone lose their smartphone in real-time. I was driving behind her and saw it fly off the top of her car on a busy one-lane highway. It was a little dangerous, but I pulled over, waited for a break in traffic, and darted out to grab the phone. It was miraculously unharmed. Her background pic showed a woman in her twenties and her partner.

I kept driving around doing my errands until her phone rang, about thirty or forty minutes later. I told her where the phone had flown off the roof and how I’d retrieved it and mentioned that she must have put it up there while getting gas or something.

Her response?

Woman: “Okay. Could you bring it here to me in [Her Town, thirty minutes away], please? I work at [Pizza Joint].”

Me: “Uhhhh… That’s nowhere near me. I’m in [My Town]. You can pick it up here. I’ll meet you at the [Donut Shop].”

Woman: *Annoyed* “I can’t drive all the way to [My Town]. I don’t know [My Town]. Let’s meet halfway at [Popular Restaurant].”

Me: “That’s not even remotely halfway. [Popular Restaurant] is still in your town. Want to just pick it up later?”

Woman: “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”

She put her boyfriend on the phone.

Boyfriend: “Dude, what’s your f****** problem? Give her back her phone already.”

This went on for a few minutes with the boyfriend getting “tougher and tougher.” I have zero tolerance for s***ty behavior, so I hung up on them and shut off the phone.

I was going to visit my grandfather the next day, so I kept the phone on me until then. When I got to granddad’s town two hours away, I turned the phone on, found the girl’s father in her contacts, called him, and told him everything. He was very apologetic, and I’m guessing it wasn’t his first rodeo. I told him that, due to her rudeness — and her boyfriend’s thinly-veiled threats — the phone could now be picked up at the local police station in my granddad’s hometown.

Dad’s response?

Dad: “Looks like she’ll have a three-hour drive both ways this weekend. Sorry again.”

This story is part of our Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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My boyfriend and I have just gotten engaged. We have told our immediate family, and now my fiancé is calling his grandmother. I have met her twice, and she seemed nice but a bit odd. 

Fiancé: “[My Name] and I are engaged!”

Grandma: *Very long pause* “Well, you both need to lay off the sugar.”

My fiancé is overweight but he’s the least overweight member of his family.

Fiancé: “Yes, Grandma. We are thinking of June of next year for the wedding, so fourteen months from now. That way there’s—”

Grandma: “Tell that girl to lay off the sugar or she’ll get the beetus like you!”

My fiancé was recently diagnosed as type-two diabetic. I have been type-one diabetic for decades.

Fiancé: “Okay, Grandma. Is [Cousin] at your house? Can you hand the phone to him if he is?”

Grandma: “If you lay off the sugar now, you might look halfway okay by the wedding if it’s in two months.”

Fiancé: “It’s June of next year, not this June.”

Grandma: “I’ll let my pastor know to expect your call. He’s pretty busy this June, though.”

Fiancé: “It’s in a year, Grandma, at our church.”

His grandmother then hung up the phone. Apparently, she then called my fiancé’s sister to complain about how overweight both of us are and how it would ruin wedding pictures. Since my fiancé’s sister was 200 pounds overweight at the time, she was less than sympathetic!

I’m waiting for my prescription to be filled, sitting next to the reception desk of the in-house optometrist. I only hear the receptionist’s half of the phone call, so I can only imagine what the other end sounds like.

Receptionist: “Hello, [Optometrist].”

Receptionist: “Yes, yes, we can certainly get you an appointment.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he still works here.”

Receptionist: “No, he doesn’t do late Wednesday night anymore; he does Thursdays, instead.”

Receptionist: “Thursdays.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he used to do late Wednesday nights, but he stopped that and now he does Thursday nights, instead.”

Receptionist: “Yes.”

Receptionist: “No, he doesn’t do Wednesday nights anymore; he does Thursday nights, instead.”

Receptionist: “Yes, Thursdays.”

Receptionist: “Yes, we can certainly get you an appointment on Thursday night. How is 6:20 for you?”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the evening.”

Receptionist: “Yes, on Thursday.”

Receptionist: “Okay then, how about the following Thursday? The latest I have is 7:00 pm.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the evening. If that’s not going to work, may I suggest—”

Receptionist: “Yes, we are open Saturdays. We are open from 9:00 am until 2:00 pm.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he does work Saturdays. I can fit you in at ten o’clock this Saturday.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the morning.”

Receptionist: “This Saturday.”

Receptionist: “The fourth of July.”

Receptionist: “Yes. Saturday. Have you been here before? What was the last name?”

Receptionist: “Can you spell that for me? Okay, nothing is coming up on my system. Are you sure you’ve seen him before?”

Receptionist: “Oh, I see, the appointment is for your husband. Has he seen the optometrist before?”

Receptionist: “No? Okay then, I’ll need his last name.”

Receptionist: “Well, yes, it probably all is on your Medicare card, but I’d need that in front of me to get the information off it.”

Receptionist: “Yes, the actual card.”

Receptionist: “Yes, I’d need to be holding it in my hand to get that information.”

Receptionist: “Okay then, can you please spell his name for me? Thank you. And his date of birth?”

Receptionist: “Once again, ma’am, I don’t have your Medicare card in front of me. Thank you.”

Receptionist: “Okay, we will see you at ten am this Saturday the fourth of July.”

Receptionist: “Yes, this Saturday. At ten o’clock.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the morning. Please bring your Medicare care.”

Receptionist: “Yes, the actual card. Thank you. Bye.”

He hung up and made an expression that said, “Thank God that’s over.” As he turned around, he saw that I was looking straight at him and panicked briefly before he realised that I was shaking with silent laughter. I really want to be there at 10:00 am this Saturday to see what happens. Yes, in the morning. This Saturday.