You’ll Always Be My Baby

, , , | Related | October 14, 2018

(I’ve recently started dating, and I’m describing my new boyfriend to my mom.)

Me: “But yeah. He’s a consultant, and acts in local theatrical productions in his off hours.”

Mom: “Sounds nice. How old is he?”

Me: “Um… about 31?”

Mom: “31?! Isn’t he a little old for you?”

Me: “Mom, I’m 30.”

Mom: “Oh… Right… I keep forgetting.”

There Is A Special Kind Of Hell Reserved For Those Who RSVP “Maybe”

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 11, 2018

(My fiancé and I are getting ready for our wedding, which is only a few weeks away.)

Me: “Huh, we never got an RSVP back from [Friend #1] or [Friend #2].”

Fiancé: “Let’s call them. The caterer needs to have the final numbers today.”

(I call [Friend #1], and he calls [Friend #2]. The conversations are almost identical, with one important difference:)

Me/Fiancé: “Hi, [Friend]! Just calling to see if you’re coming to my wedding on [date]? We haven’t gotten an RSVP from you.”

Friend #1: “Oh, I’ve been so busy. But if you haven’t heard from me, you can assume that I’m coming.”

Friend #2: “Oops! I keep forgetting to mail it. But if you haven’t heard from me, you can assume that I’m not coming.”


Boomers And Job Hunting Is Almost Adorable

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

(I’m trying to find a job, but there aren’t many positions in my area that I’m qualified for. Throughout the process, my mom has kept up a steady stream of “advice.” All of it is either decades out of date, irrelevant to my situation, or just plain wrong. If I don’t take her advice, she accuses me of not trying hard enough. I’m on the phone with her.)

Mom: “Oh, I almost forgot! I wanted to tell you how my new coworker got his job!”

Me: *mental sigh* “How did he get his job?”

Mom: “Well, he’s Native American, so he went to this job fair for Native American job seekers.”

Me: “Okay…”

Mom: “So, you know. It’s a thought. You could try it.”

Me: “Yeah… That’s not going to work for me.”

Mom: *getting mad* “Why not?”

Me: “I don’t know if you’re aware, Mom, but I’m not Native American.”

Mom: “Well, you could just… you know…”

Me: “No, I don’t think I do know.”

Mom: “You don’t need to be so difficult about this! Really, you’d have a job by now if you could be more flexible.”

Me: “Does flexible mean pretending to be Native American?”

Mom: “Just listen to your mother and look into it!”

(She hung up after that. I did not look into it.)

The Phone That Cried Wolf

, , , , , , | Related | September 26, 2018

I am sixteen. The flip phone I have doesn’t have customizable ringtones, just the ones that came with it. I’ve been struggling to notice when my phone rings, so I am cycling through all the preset ringtones to find one that will get my attention. I finally decide to try “wolf howl.” How could I not notice that?

A few weeks later I am waiting for a bus and I hear a dog just going nuts, nonstop. I keep turning to try and figure out where it is coming from, but it always seems to be behind me no matter where I turn.

Finally, the bus comes, the sound stops, and I forget about it.

Until I get home… And my mom yells at me for not answering my phone.

They Have Some Hangups Over Waiting

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]; [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, this is [Caller] calling from the customer service department, and I have a customer on the line who called about a specific issue at your store. Can I transfer the customer through to you?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Okay, I have you on the line with the store you’ve been dealing with. I hope everything gets sorted out.” *hangs up*

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

(I can hear someone yelling in the background, but no one answers me.)

Me: “Hello? Is someone there?”

(The caller is shouting, but it’s as if the phone is sitting on a table and the caller is yelling at someone else in the room.)

Caller: “I don’t understand why they can’t just fix this problem for me! I’ve talked to three people already and now I’m waiting to talk to someone else!”

Me: “Hello? Can you hear me?”

Caller: “Because they keep saying the right people aren’t working! They said they’d send me the file, but now I’m stuck on the phone and no one’s answering me!”

Me: “Hello? I’m right here. How can I help you?”

Caller: “They said they’d email the file over to me, but I don’t have an email yet, and now I’m on the phone!”

Me: *to my coworker* “I don’t know what to do… There’s someone there, but they’re just yelling at someone, and I don’t think the phone is even in their hand.”

Caller: “I can’t believe I’m still waiting! All I want is my d*** file!”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to hang up now. If you can hear me, I’m hanging up.”

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