My mom does not like spices in her food and rarely uses them in her cooking. Some of the bottles in her spice drawer are over ten years old. My siblings and I regularly joke with her that she considers regular black pepper “hot” and oregano an exotic flavor.

One day, she texts me about visiting for dinner.

Mom: “Do you have any Italian dressing? We’ll need a bit for the pasta salad.”

Me: “I do not. Wanna try making some? All you need is oil, vinegar, and spice— Oh… Wait…”

Mom: “Hey! I have spices! They’re even antiques!”

Me: “LOL. I’ll pick up a small bottle on my way in.”

Our oldest brother has flown somewhere nice and tropical for his honeymoon. We’re not expecting to hear from him until he calls a few hours after arriving at his hotel. He asks the whole household to be present on speakerphone.

Oldest Brother: “Which one of you was it?”

Dad: “What do you mean?”

Oldest Brother: “My luggage got searched by security at the airport. They found 500 condoms and a spoon.”

We all burst out laughing.

Oldest Brother: “Which one of you did it?”

Youngest Brother: “Sorry, I put in the condoms. I thought it would be funny if you opened it up at the hotel and they all fell out. The thought of [New Wife]’s face when she saw all those and wondered what you had planned for a whole week sounded hilarious. I didn’t know you’d get stopped at the airport, though!”

Dad: “That’s what the spoon was for!”

We all stop and look at Dad.

Dad: “Ah, s***.”

Oldest Brother: “I hate you all.” *Click*

He saw the funny side of it… eventually.

I work in a pharmacy, and I got a call from this lady.

Caller: “I need you to tell me who left blood pressure tablets on my living room floor!”

If you are confused by that sentence, imagine how I felt.

Me: “Um… were these tablets in a bottle?”

Caller: “Someone broke into my house last night, and the police told me they left tablets, and they are blood pressure tablets, but they can’t tell me whose they are, so I need you to!”

Me: *Still confused* “Are they loose tablets, ma’am?”

She repeated the entire story (because of course she did), and then…

Caller: “They’re loose tablets! It’s like the person who broke into my house had them in their pocket and spread them around my living room!”

I had to slowly and painfully explain to this woman over the phone that I couldn’t tell her who loose tablets belonged to. The best metaphor I could come up with on the fly was to imagine if she found a burrito on the ground; there would literally be no way to tell who left it there.

My coworkers were very confused, and honestly, so was I.

I’m at work when I get a call from my mom. She’s from China and has recently moved here to the US to get to know her grandchildren. She can’t speak English too well, and my kids can’t speak Mandarin too well, but they make it work. It does cause some misunderstandings.

Mom: “Help explain to the grandkids. I don’t know the right English.”

Me: “Explain what?”

Mom: “They saw my green card in my wallet. They asked what it was for, and I said it’s because I am an alien. Now they’re crying, saying they don’t want to be aliens.”

Me: “Pass the phone over.”

I then had to explain to crying twin four-year-olds that we were humans, not aliens, that we were from Earth, and that they looked different from their friends because they were Asian, not Alien.

I got some odd looks from my boss during THAT phone call.

In the early 2000s, I worked in a call center for a cell phone company in billing and support. I have LOTS of stories, but here’s one of my favourites.

I had a customer call in angry right away — shocking, I know.

Customer: “MY PHONE IS BROKEN!”

Me: “Okay, what exactly is broken with it?”

Customer: “What do you mean?! It’s broken! Are you stupid or something?!”

Me: “Well, broken can mean a lot of things. Can you please explain what you mean by broken?”

Customer: “The screen is dead! It doesn’t even make a sound when I try to call people!”

Me: “Oh, see? This is why I ask what you mean by broken. A sound? Like a dial tone? Cell phones don’t have a dial tone like home phones. Is it on? Is it charged?”

Customer: “I don’t know what that means.”

Me: “You’ve plugged it in?”

Customer: “I just got it, and the screen doesn’t even work! And I can’t call anyone! This thing is useless!”

Me: “Okay, so it might not be charged. Have you tried the power button?”

Customer: “I don’t know what you mean! What power button?!”

Me: “Well, with cell phones, you need to turn them on, and they have batteries, so after a while, the battery needs to be charged again.”

Customer: “So, what do I do?!”

Me: “Just press and hold the power button; it’s on the top of the phone.”

She responded right away.

Customer: “Nothing happened.”

Me: “You need to hold the power button for a few seconds for it to turn on.”

Again, she responded right away.

Customer: “Nothing happened.”

Me: “I don’t think you’re pressing it for long enough. Press and hold the top of the phone for at least three long seconds.”

Customer: “Okay, what do you mean by ‘the top’?”

Me: *Confused* “Like… um… The top? Not the front… or the sides… or the bottom… or the back… but the top.”

Customer: “It doesn’t work!”

Me: “And you’re pressing the top?”

Customer: “I don’t know!”

I tried everything I could think of to try to explain what “top” meant. After about five minutes of mind-numbing banter I can’t remember, I tried this.

Me: “Okay, so… Put your finger on the screen…”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Slide it up! When you hit an edge, that’s the top.”

Customer: “Nothing happened.”

Me: “Maybe we should go back to the store and see if something is broken, or if the people there can see what’s wrong with the phone.”

Customer: “I CAN’T DO THAT!”

I had one last idea to try to get her to understand what “top” meant. Feeling tired and sad for humanity, I said:

Me: “Okay… So… Look at your phone…”

The customer wasn’t angry now, just more embarrassed.

Customer: “Okay…”

Me: “Your phone isn’t a phone anymore. It’s a person. The screen is its face.”

Customer: “Okay, I can see that….”

Me: “Okay! So, the top is where you would put the hat!”

Customer: “OH! IT’S WHERE YOU WOULD PUT THE HAT!”

A few seconds later, I heard the phone’s booting sound.

Customer: “Okay, okay, I got it!”

Me: “Thanks for choosing [Company]…”