Parent-Teacher Conference In 3… 2… 

, , , , | Learning | November 14, 2019

(When I am in primary school, my mum works as a nurse and my dad as a police officer. So that one of them can be home as much as possible, they often work opposite each other. Mum quite often works nights when Dad works days and vice versa. One day at my parent-teacher evening, Mum goes to talk to the teacher:)

Teacher: *grinning* “I have to show you this. [My Name] was asked to write about what his parents do for a living, and he wrote this.”

My Writing: “My mummy stays out all night and stays in bed all day!”

Mum: “Oh, my!”

Teacher: *chuckling* “Don’t worry; I know what you actually do, so we’ll say no more about it!”

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Got This Parenting Thing Licked

, , , , , | Right | November 11, 2019

(My coworker tells me this story almost immediately after it happened to her. A young boy comes up to her, silently sticking out his hand for her to shake. Bemused, she lets him take her hand and shake it. He stares wordlessly at her for several seconds while doing so, and then runs his tongue up her arm. His mother comes running up, mortified and apologizing.)

Mother: “I’m so sorry; he just saw The Boxtrolls in the theater.”

(My coworker hadn’t seen the movie, so after I got over my bout of shocked laughter, I confirmed that yes, the boy had been imitating the main character a little TOO closely.)

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Ballet Commentary We Can All Get Behind

, , , , , , | Related | November 10, 2019

This story happens when I’m quite small, about three or four years old. My parents have taken me to a children’s matinee at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet. They were worried that I’d be bored, but apparently, I’m utterly enthralled.

At one point, a male and female dancer begin to perform a romantic pas-de-deux, and a small voice pipes up from the middle of the crowd, “Oh! The pretty lady loves the man!”

We’re sitting far enough back that the dancers don’t hear this, but a ripple of laughter moves through the audience nearby. An usher hurries over and asks my father to take me to sit at the back, and he complies.

Another scene is circus-themed and features a clown putting on his clown suit. Midway through, the same small voice rings out again. “He’s putting on his jammies!”

More laughter from the audience. This time the usher asks my dad to remove me from the audience entirely. 

As my dad says, this was clearly the beginning of my career in media analysis.

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He Also Likes Turtles!

, , , , | Right | November 7, 2019

(When I am a child, my family goes on one of those “lost river” boat rides at an amusement park. The guide selects me to be his assistant.)

Guide: “It’s your job to warn people of danger. If you see trouble, shout into the microphone. Let’s practice. Shout, ‘Alligator!’”

Me: “Alligator!”

(A little way down the river, there’s an animatronic bear.)

Guide: “Uh-oh, looks like trouble. Better warn everyone.” *hands me the microphone*

Me: “Alligator!”

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Darkly A-Mew-sing

, , , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2019

(After years of begging, my parents let me get a cat. My brothers and I are ecstatic and quickly fall in love with our little black and white kitten. When she’s about a year old, however, our father starts developing sinus problems and after a lot of trial and error we trace it back to cat dander. So, after a lot of tears, we come to the conclusion that our kitty has to be rehomed. We’re all devastated when we’re given the news. Then, my youngest brother, who is only five or six at the time, suggests another solution.)

Brother: “Can’t we just get rid of Dad, instead?”

(We still joke that when our father dies, his body won’t even be cold before we get another cat. Our cat was happily rehomed with our cousins and quickly established dominance over their dog and other cat.)

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