Google Translate: Now Includes Parseltongue

, , , , | Friendly | December 14, 2017

Little Girl: “I can talk to snakes!”

Cashier: “Oh? What do they say?”

Little Girl: *starts hissing*

Cashier: “And what does that mean?”

Little Girl: *face scrunches up* “It means—” *hisses louder*

It’s Cupcakes, So It’s Worth It

, , , , , | Friendly | December 14, 2017

(It is a hot summer’s day, and my partner and I decide to spend the day at a popular lakefront beach. After swimming for a while, I take my place on the sand, get some sun, and read a book. Two little girls are laying on beach towels next to me, chatting and lazily digging holes. That’s when I overhear the ten-year-old girl say to the eight-year-old girl:)

Ten-Year-Old Girl: “…and then, all you have left is one dead body and twelve cupcakes.”

(A budding Wednesday Addams stand-up comedian?)

Eavesdropping Really Blows

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

Girl: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Me: “Have you had a shot today?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry; you can’t have one.”

Girl: “I’ll give you a blowjob for one.”

Me: *taken aback* “How old are you?”

Girl: “Seven.”

(I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my back and ignore her.)

Mother: “[Girl], stop bothering that man.”

Girl: “But I want a lollipop. You said, ‘Give a man a blowjob and he’ll do anything for you.’”

(I turn back around and the mother is blushing. She drags her daughter out of the office.)

Mother: “What have I told about eavesdropping on your aunt and me when we’re having coffee?!”

(She came in this morning to request copies of her family’s prescriptions, so she can switch to another doctor. I hope she wasn’t switching because of the incident.)

What?!

, , , , , , | Related | December 11, 2017

(While trying to get things settled with the lady at the desk, my three-year-old son is next to me, looking at a comments box that has five faces on it ranging from a big smile to a big frown.)

Son: “Daddy, what does this face mean?”

Me: *breaking a conversation to glance down* “What face?”

Son: “Oh! Really happy, really sad, kind of happy, kind of sad, what face!”

(He’s 17 now, and the whole family still calls the face with a straight mouth a “what face.”)

It’s No Laughing Matter

, , , , , | Related | December 7, 2017

I was in my bedroom changing when my six-year-old son started to walk in. I was standing right behind the door so the door only opened a few inches before hitting me.

I called out to him, “I’m changing!” and his reply, in that sweet innocent voice of a young child, was, “Don’t worry, Mommy; I won’t laugh at you!”

Gee, thanks…

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