Hard As Snails

, , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2018

(I am in a pottery class at my summer camp. A young boy, probably about four, is making clay snails. The counselor teaching the class is talking to him about them.)

Counselor: “Where are its kids?”

Boy: “It is a kid!”

Counselor: “Where are its parents?”

Boy: “They died!”

(Everyone else in the room stares in silence.)

Barbie Is Pooped

, , , | Learning | July 16, 2018

(I teach toddlers at a preschool. Being toilet trained is required for moving up to the next class. Some of my students of late have stubbornly refused to become trained, so I’ve stepped up my toilet training curriculum. We talk about the process frequently and read little books on the subject. As a result, they’ve become more interested. The bathroom in my classroom is just big enough to contain a toilet, a sink, and a chair for the teacher, and is open to the classroom. One of my students runs into the bathroom with a naked Barbie doll. She bends the legs and sits the doll on the edge of the toilet.)

Toddler: “Teacher [My Name]! Barbie go potty!”

(It’s a little weird, but she’s interested, so I decide to encourage it.)

Me: “Good job, Barbie!”

Toddler: “Barbie go poop now!”

Me: “That’s awesome! Barbie will get a sticker for going potty!”

(I found this hilarious, so I took a picture of the scene to send to her mother later. In the half-second I turned to set the camera on my desk behind me, the student generously gave Barbie a dip in the toilet. She proudly held up the dripping doll. I completed Barbie’s spa treatment with a liberal spray of bleach water and soap. Toddlers are fun.)

B-Stow Upon You New B-Words

, , , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”

Me: “THAT’S MY BOY!”

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