One Day She’ll Get Her Just Desserts, And Then She’ll Understand

, , , | Related | May 6, 2021

I have five younger sisters. Two are in college, while three are still in late elementary school. My college sisters are at home, enjoying some dessert after dinner.

College Sister: “I don’t get dessert most nights. Dessert costs money at school.”

Eight-Year-Old Sister: “That brings the question: did you only come here for free dessert?”

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Taking The Twins To Meet The Queen

, , , , , | Related | May 2, 2021

I am shopping in town with my nine-year-old son in tow. Perhaps it’s not such a good idea, but I go into a shop to get myself some new underwear.

We’re in the area where they sell oversized underwear and my cheeky monkey of a son points to a rack of some of the larger items and says in his high-pitched and penetrating voice:

Son: “Look, Mum! Hats for twins!”

And he scampered off, sniggering.

Trouble is, I couldn’t stop laughing. I was still tittering when I got to the checkout, and unfortunately, I set off the member of staff. They say laughter is infectious. I infected the entire store, basically.

When we got outside I gave him one of my famous punishments that aren’t really punishments.

Me: “Just for that, we aren’t going to go up to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen this afternoon.”

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What Can I Say (When My Foot Is In My Mouth)

, , , , | Related | April 23, 2021

I have a three-year-old daughter who is obsessed with “Moana,” specifically the song “You’re Welcome.” At any given moment she is likely to be belting it out. Unfortunately, she has also picked up a line from the film where Maui says, “What can I say except, ‘You’re dead soon.’”

After an uneventful shop, punctuated by out-of-tune verses from “Moana,” we are being checked out by an older woman who is trying to get my daughter to talk to her.

She hands a chocolate to my daughter.

Cashier: “And what do we say now?”

Without missing a beat, my daughter takes the treat and says:

Daughter: “You’re dead soon!” 

The cashier looked terrified and mortified, and I prayed for the ground to swallow me! Thankfully, the cashier saw the funny side, and now when we see her, she waves and says, “I’m still here!”

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Just A Bit Scrambled

, , , | Right | April 18, 2021

When I am about seven, I go to a diner with my family. I only recently realized I like fried eggs, so I decide to order some.

Waitress: “How would you like those done?”

Me: *Clueless* “Medium rare?”

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Coincidentally, That Is How Many Tacos I Want

, , , , | Related | April 18, 2021

One day, I’m driving around, trying to decide where to eat.

Daughter: “I want [Fast Food Place #1].”

Me: “No, I think [Fast Food Place #2].”

Daughter: “But I want [Fast Food Place #1].”

Me: “You don’t count.”

Daughter: “Yes, I do! One, two, three.”

Me: “Really?”

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