Object Permanence Is Hard

, , , , | Working | February 19, 2021

I started babysitting for a family during the health crisis, so I’ve always worn a mask around the kids. One day, I’m hungry, so I back six feet away and take off my mask to eat.

Three-Year-Old: *Amazed* “You have teeth!”

I clarified what he meant and yes, he really didn’t know I had teeth because he had never seen them.

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Negative, Ghost Ryder; My Brain Is Full

, , , , | Related | February 17, 2021

I have just spent a little over an hour on my weekly video chat with my five-year-old goddaughter when she apparently starts getting bored of our games. We do these chats on their kid-friendly tablet that they normally only get to use for long drives and video chats.

Me: “Why did you turn off my video?”

Goddaughter: “I want to watch a video.”

Me: “If you want to watch something, maybe I should say goodbye and hang up.”

Goddaughter: “No! We can talk while I watch something.”

Since she wants me to stay on the video chat, I do, but she is clearly too distracted to engage with me from that point. About ten minutes later, after my last attempt to ask her a question, I get this response.

Goddaughter: “I’m done talking with you, so I’m going to hang up now.”

Me: “Okay, I love you.”

I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before she had hung up. Less than an hour prior, she had been telling me that she loved me so much she planned to marry me when she grew up, and now I’ve been replaced by “Paw Patrol.” Apparently, love can be a fickle and fleeting thing for us godfathers.

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An Excellent Philosophy For Life

, , , , , | Related | February 5, 2021

I am young when the Berlin Wall is nearing its deconstruction, and my parents try to explain it to me in terms I can understand. Apparently, my vibrant imagination is a strong force in my life, and this conversation happens.

Me: “What’s wrong with the Berlin Wall?”

Mom: “It’s built between two halves of a city.”

Me: “So, why don’t people just climb over it?”

Mom: “It’s got guards who will stop people from doing that.”

Me: *After pondering* “Do the guards stop birds from flying over it?”

Mom: “No, just people.”

Me: “So why don’t people just turn into birds and fly over it?”

Mom: “People can’t really do that.”

Me: *Irritated* “Then grownups need to invent a way. You’re adults, after all!”

Apparently, I was disappointed to hear that the Berlin Wall had been knocked down. I made it abundantly clear that “turning into birds and pooping on the stupid wall as they crossed” made a much better statement.

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Unexpected Vocabulary Expansion

, , , , , , | Related | February 1, 2021

I began swearing like a sailor in fifth grade, using “nearly swears.” I’ve never broken this habit, either, other than to code-switch between actual foul language and substitutes as appropriate. This plus a toddler has had exactly the results everyone would expect… and, of course, some results you wouldn’t expect.

Me: “Oh, dadgummit!”

Son: “Dadgummit!” *Pauses* “What does ‘dadgummit’ mean?”

Me: “Um, well, it’s something you say when things go wrong when you weren’t expecting it, and that’s not a word we say at school.”

Later that day…

Son: “Mommy, Mommy! I need to go poop!”

I’m very excited because the first time he’s asked to go without prompting.

Me: “Okay! Let’s go sit on the potty and poop!”

My son sits on the potty and strains and strains and makes faces until…

Son: “Dadgummit, I can’t poop! I’m all full of poops!”

At least he got the usage correct?

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An Entrepreneur In The Making

, , , , | Related | January 29, 2021

It is mid-January. I am helping my six-year-old clean his room. He has asked me to move his play kitchen so he can open a restaurant and “cook” food for his stuffed animals. Shortly after opening, his restaurant gets a call on the play phone and I overhear this one-sided conversation.

Son: “Hello? You want some food? Okay, food is a quarter.” *Pause* “Oh, you’re poor? Well, you’d better find a quarter or money that equals a quarter on the ground because we don’t give food for free.” *Pause* “Unless it’s Christmas. But it’s not Christmas, so food is a quarter.” *Hangs up*

Later, we found a dollar under his train table. He told me to keep it because I’m a good mommy.

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