They Didn’t Have THAT Scene In The Babysitter’s Club

, , , , , , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I am babysitting for two boys, ages two and seven. The two-year-old is still in diapers, and is very wriggly when I try to change his diaper. He even kicks me in the face sometimes. On this particular occasion, he has diarrhea, and it’s a mess. I’m attempting to change his diaper, but he keeps moving and making more of a mess. The seven-year-old comes over.)

Seven-Year-Old: “I can hold his legs for you while you change him.”

Me: “Are you sure? It’s going to smell pretty bad when I fully open the diaper.”

Seven-Year-Old: “I’m sure.” *grabs his brother’s legs* “Whenever you’re ready.”

(I open the younger boy’s diaper. A smell like death fills the room. I try to clean him up and change him quickly, but the older boy and I both are gagging and having to turn away repeatedly. I finally finish changing the boy’s diaper, and he runs off. The older boy and I quickly dispose of the diaper and run into the kitchen to wash our hands and get a breath of air that doesn’t smell deadly. I get an idea.)

Me: “Are you hungry at all?”

Seven-Year-Old: “Yeah, a bit.”

Me: “How about some cookies? I think we deserve them.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Yeah! Thanks!”

(We begin eating cookies when the younger boy comes over and looks at me expectantly.)

Two-Year-Old: “Cookie?”

Seven-Year-Old: “NO! NAUGHTY AND STINKY BOYS DON’T GET COOKIES!”

(I didn’t stop laughing for an hour.)

Getting A Leg-Up Early In Life

, , , , , , , | Related | September 3, 2018

My mother’s uncle lost the ability to walk as a child due to Polio. When I was very young, all my cousins and I loved spending time with Uncle Bob and simply accepted that his legs were different than ours.

One day while out shopping with my mother, I spotted another shopper who had a wheelchair and very excitedly started tugging on my mum’s hand and pointing. She braced herself for my childhood wisdom.

I jumped up and down and practically shouted in excitement, “MUMMY! He’s got legs like Uncle Bob’s!”

My mum still tells this story many years later; she said the man’s grin could have lit up the world.

Don’t Get Caught Napping With The Terrible Twos

, , , , , | Related | August 28, 2018

(I’m sitting on the couch while my two-year-old son wanders around like always, playing with his toys and talking to himself in his limited vocabulary. My mother-in-law is sitting on the couch next to me, and she is known for dozing off at the drop of a hat, and she has done so in the ten seconds that it took my son to wander into the next room and back.)

Son: “Nan Nan?”

Me: “She’s sleeping.”

Son: “Nan Nan sleeping?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Son: *walks up to my mother-in-law, slaps her leg, and shouts* “Wake up, Nan Nan!”

Mother-In-Law: “Wah! What is it?”

Son: *holds finger up to mouth* “Shh! Nan Nan sleeping!”

(And he then wandered off back into the other room. He’s my favourite.)

This Family Needs To Get All Their Ducks In A Row

, , , | Legal | August 26, 2018

(I am in a farmyard, waiting to buy some vegetables directly from the farmer. A mother and a child are also waiting to be served. Their family has a reputation for being not quite law-abiding.)

Child: *pointing out at a duck passing by with her duckling* “Mummy! Look at the pretty duckies! Look at the pretty duckies!”

Mother: “Yes, love, they’re pretty, aren’t they?”

(The farmer’s wife catches one of the ducklings and offers it to the child for holding. The kid, of course, is beyond himself with joy and pets the duckling while the mother does her shopping. Once she’s done…)

Mother: “Love, put the ducky down; it’s time to go.”

Child: *after putting the duckling back on the ground* “Mummy, can we come and take them later tonight?”

(The mother turned bright red and left rather quickly!)

Never Heard Of Such An Apology

, , , , , | Related | August 24, 2018

(Years ago, when my brother and I were children, we got into a fight, like siblings do. Since it was his misbehavior that started it, my parents lectured him about it and specified that he owed me an apology. A little while later, when we’re all sitting together again, this is the exchange that happens.)

Dad: “[Brother], did you apologize to [My Name] yet?”

Brother: “Yeah.”

Me: “No, he didn’t!”

Brother: “Yes, I did. I said it silently. To myself.”

(My very amused parents then had to explain to him that this did not, in fact, count as apologizing.)

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