Getting Parents All Tied Up

, , , , , | Right | March 18, 2019

(I work in a toy and game store that specializes in board games and other novelties. One of our sections is for adults — mostly drinking games, shot glasses, and other adult novelties. One of the items happens to be a pair of metal handcuffs that can be locked and unlocked with a key. They are definitely not a toy for kids.)

Kid: “Do you have handcuffs?”

Coworker: “Uh… technically, yes. But they’re not a toy. They’re metal.”

(The kid’s mom catches on pretty quickly and laughs. The kid, of course, does not understand.)

Kid: “Well, can I see them?

Mom: “No, they’re not meant for kids. We’ll look somewhere else.”

Kid: “Who are they meant for?”

Coworker: *getting desperate* “They’re, um… decoration. They’re not toys. You wouldn’t want to use them. They might get stuck, and you don’t want to have metal handcuffs stuck on you.”

Kid: “What are they used for?”

(The mom can’t hold back a laugh at this point.)

Mom: “They’re not used for anything. Let’s go.”

(The family left, though the kid still seemed disappointed to not get a pair of toy handcuffs. When they were out of the store, my coworker and I burst out laughing. We sometimes get kids asking about toy handcuffs, but none of them asked for as much detail as this kid.)

Drawing A Terrifying Conclusion

, , , , , | Related | March 17, 2019

(I’m about four years old in this story. My mom is out shopping, so my dad’s in charge of watching me. I decide to draw in my room, and as I’m a relatively quiet child my dad doesn’t think much of it and starts watching TV. Sometime later, he sees me toddle over to the bathroom. When I don’t come out for several minutes, he comes to investigate… and finds me doodling on the wall.)

Dad: “[My Name], why are you drawing on the bathroom wall?”

Me: *nonchalantly* “I ran out of space in my room.”

(My father rushed to my room to find that, yes, I’d run out of drawing paper and scribbled all over my bedroom walls. After getting it cleaned up, my parents told me to ask for more paper if I ran out again, and taped a few sheets to my walls just in case. Moral of the story: never, ever trust a quiet toddler.)

When Menthols Just Aren’t Enough

, , , , , | Right | March 14, 2019

(I’m working in a store one Sunday afternoon, behind the counter, when I see a young lad of about eight or nine enter the shop along with his father. No one else is in the store at the time. On seeing me, the young lad rushes in front of his dad and says to me importantly:)

Young Lad: “My dad is after some Golden Vagina Tobacco, please.”

(The father approaches counter; he obviously didn’t hear what his son said.)

Me: *to the father* “I understand you are looking for some Golden Virginia Tobacco?”

Father: *totally unaware of why his son is now blushing furiously* “Yes, please.”

(I served him and off they went, and then I giggled quietly to myself.)

The Age Of Innocence

, , , | Learning | March 13, 2019

(I am in daycare playing Legos with the kids when they start talking about birthdays and how old they are. They start guessing my age, and when they finally guess the right age, I tell them.)

Me: “Do you think that’s old?”

Boy: “Yes, but not old enough to die… yet.”

Me: “How old is ‘old enough to die’?”

Boy: “You’d have to be a hundred or something to die.”

(I’m glad I’m only eighteen!)

The Birds And The Bellowing Bees

, , , , | Related | March 5, 2019

(A family comes in and sits at a booth: Dad, two girls ages four to six, and Mom. They are near my register, so I don’t catch the whole conversation, but apparently, Mom and Dad are explaining to the girls that Mom is going to be having a baby. Suddenly:)

Girl: *yelling loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear* “DADDY! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MOMMY?!”

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