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As For Breaking The Law OUTSIDE Of Work…

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2022

I work as a janitor in a shopping mall. It’s a decent enough job, and every now and again, people passing by really make my day — though most often it tends to be kids. One of my favourite moments was when I was using a floor scrubber machine, one of those big ones you sit on. A kid, probably five or so, walked up to me with a deadly serious expression on their face and proceeded to drop the best icebreaker ever.

Kid: *Pointing at the floor scrubber* “Could you get away from the cops with that?”

Me: *Stifling laughter* “No, not quite. It doesn’t move very fast.”

Kid: *Nodding, still looking very serious* “Uh-huh. So, don’t get caught if you do something bad, then.”

Me: “I’ll just try to not break the law at work.”

Kid: *Flashing me a smile* “Good. Okay, bye now!”

And off they went, running to their mom. Made my day.

Optional Behavior

, , , , , | Right | June 2, 2022

I am checking out a mother with her young daughter, aged maybe three or four. She keeps grabbing candy and placing it on the conveyer, giggling adorably.

Mother: “[Daughter], stop it. You have candy at home. I thought we agreed you’d behave.”

Daughter: “I tried to behave, Mommy, but there are just so many other options!”

I had to stifle a giggle as I finished checking them out.

Calling It As She Sees It

, , , , , | Related | May 28, 2022

On the New Year, we were having a family dinner party at my granduncle’s place, as usual. After some drinking, Dad got suckered by his cousins into promising to show up at the next family event while crossdressing. And unfortunately, there was video evidence, so he couldn’t get out of it.

Now, Dad’s essentially the stereotypical East Asian pretty boy. You know the K-pop boy bands? Dad’s as pretty as those guys, so there was quite a bit of enthusiasm over how Dad would look in a dress.

A few weeks later, during Chinese New Year, my granduncle throws another family party.

I’m waiting downstairs with Mom while Grandma helps Dad get ready. And finally, Dad comes down the stairs wearing a wig, makeup, and a really nice dress.

I am a tiny six-year-old girl at the time, so I essentially have no filter. My reaction to seeing Dad?

Me: *Starry-eyed awe* “Daddy! You’re prettier than Mommy!”

Mom never forgave me for that. It was true, of course, but that was still the last day I was my mother’s favourite child.

Awkward Antics

, , , , | Learning Related | May 12, 2022

When I went to pick my daughter up from her first day of preschool, the director wanted to speak to me. Apparently, she stood in front of the class and announced:

Daughter: “My name is [Daughter], I’m a cross-addicted alcoholic, and I’m grateful to be here.”

I then had to explain that her father sometimes brings the kids to his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I went home and told my husband, and we laughed and laughed. He didn’t bring the kids to his meetings anymore after that.

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys (Unless They Want To)

, , , , , , , , | Related | April 30, 2022

I was visiting my goddaughter, and I ask her what she wants to be when she grows up.

Goddaughter: “I want to be everything, except for a bad guy or a cowboy.”

Me: “Why not a cowboy?”

Goddaughter: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to be a cowboy.”

Me: “But you want to be everything else? You’re going to be a plumber, and a cop, and a doctor? Isn’t that a lot of things to do at once?”

Goddaughter: “No, I’ll do them all.”

Mother: “It’s too bad she won’t be a cowboy or she could be all of the Village People at once.”

My goddaughter stayed true to her claim for my whole visit, repeatedly telling me she didn’t want to be a bad guy or a cowboy. Poor cowboys get no love.