I went to an interview for a role that included website management for a small company. They asked that the candidates look at their website, note any changes that we thought they should make, and bring them in to the interview.

I noted a few dead links, spelling errors, excessive category pages for products, etc., and highlighted all of these.

The next day, the recruitment agent called me back to tell me I hadn’t gotten the job, but that the client wanted to follow my suggestions.

Client: “Would you mind logging in for us and making those changes?”

Me: “I’m not going to do that if you’re not hiring me.”

Client: “Your suggestions were the best, and nobody else noticed all of those mistakes. We’d like to implement your changes but don’t know how to do it.”

Me: “You should get your new website manager to do it. They’re not exactly complicated changes.”

Client: “We’re not sure what all of the mistakes were. Can’t you just change it for us?”

Me: “No. Your new website manager will do it for you.”

Client: “They don’t know how to do it.”

Me: “Wait. You hired someone to manage your website who doesn’t know how to edit it?”

Client: “Well, all the changes you suggested were so simple, we thought it wasn’t necessary.”

Me: “…”

Client: “So, will you fix it?”

Me: “No. If all you wanted was your website tidied up, you could have hired someone as a freelancer for a one-time job instead of advertising for a full-time role.”

Client: “See, this is why we didn’t hire you.”

I checked their website the other day, six months later. The mistakes are still there, and the website hasn’t updated at all in that time.

Two years ago, I made a website for a client and implemented a small Content Management System so they could change a few things like quotes, references, and so on. They didn’t use it at all. Everything on the site was the same for over two years.

Last week, I got a call from a new employee of the client’s company asking for “access to the website”. I wasn’t really sure what she meant, but I sent her the details to log in to the CMS.

She emailed me back demanding “full access to all of the content” because she “wants to make more changes to the site”. She eventually asked for access to the server.

I tried to explain why this would be a bad idea, but she insisted and told me she knew how to handle “those things.” Eventually, I sent her the FTP access data.

Yesterday, I got a call from her again.

Client: “Did you take the site down?”

Me: “The site? I haven’t touched it for over two years. So, no.”

Client: “Well, it’s not working!”

Me: “Did you change anything yourself?”

Client: “I just deleted all the unnecessary files.”

Me: “Really. And it’s not working anymore.”

Client: “No! Did you change something?”

Client: “I got the file for the brochure. How do I use the box? I’ve clicked on it a lot of times and nothing happens. I need to send these to be printed soon so I hope you can fix it tonight.”

The “box” is a QR code. The client is a twenty-something “professional” who STILL doesn’t understand how they work even after my exhaustive explanation.  

The faint sound of distant screams you hear is me.

I’m a designer at a news station; I make graphics for our news broadcast. Today, the producers requested a graphic that said, “Winter Watch,” featuring a picture of a snow plow.

Client: “Could you put snowflakes in the letters? Otherwise, I’m worried people won’t know it’s a story about winter.”

Me: “I have uploaded the article!”

Client: “Fabulous. For future articles, do you mind uploading images to go along with them?”

Me: “Do you mean photos for your personal reference or images that can be published along with the article? I’d be happy to do either, provided you have a photo subscription account like Shutterstock. In any case, we would need to acquire permission for whatever image you’d like to use. Let me know!”

Client: “Use Google and submit a search request for images that are available for unrestricted usage. PS: Please don’t be condescending. It’s a disgusting trait on a woman.”

Guess who fired a client today!