I work as a hairstylist. This client mentioned previously that his sixtieth birthday was coming up.

Client: “You look like you’re twelve. My nine-year-old granddaughter is your size.”

Me: “Oh, really? I get told I look young a lot.”

Client: “Are you raising your son alone?”

Me: *Taken aback* “Yes, I am.”

Client: “Well, I would marry you.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Take down the exterior photo of our store on our Twitter immediately. It looks like slum trash. Please put up a picture of the interior instead. We are high-end, I put $100,000+ into this business, and your picture doesn’t do us justice. What were you thinking?”

The client pays $300 a month for rent for their store. I’m not sure they’re as “high-end” as they think they are.

I sent a client an email to follow up on a number of overdue invoices.

Me: “When you have a moment, can you please provide a payment date for the following invoices?”

Client: “I have checked all the invoices, and yes, they are all unpaid.”

Me: “…”

Client: “…”

Me: *Crying*

Client: “I need you to delete this page from the website. We don’t need it anymore.”

Me: “Okay, the page is deleted. I also deleted any links that referred to that page.”

Client: “Thanks, but now when I try to click the link to the page, I get a message saying the page is not found?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct. Since the page was removed, it no longer exists, thus the message.”

Client: “So, you’re saying I’m going to get this message from now on every time I click on the link? That’s unacceptable.”

Me: “Uhh, sorry, but I’m a bit confused. You asked for the page to be removed, and now you are concerned that the page is no longer there? Also, how are you even still clicking on this link? Is there a link pointing to the page that I forgot to remove from somewhere?”

Client: “Well, the link is right here, in the email I sent you earlier! I can still click on it! But now it takes me to some page that says ‘Page Not Found’!”

I was too stunned to respond.

I’m a wedding planner, and I often get a lot of high-end clients who are willing to drop small fortunes on their big day. I’m calling one bride-to-be about an adjustment to their venue.

Me: “Hi, [Client], I’m calling about the venue. Due to last night’s storm, a tree branch smashed a window at the back of the banquet hall. It shouldn’t affect the operations of your day, but since it’s going to be covered up by some temporary materials so it can be fixed, the venue is offering a 5% discount on the hire fee to make up for it.”

Client: “Oh, that’s nice of them!”

Me: “And this also means that your overall wedding is going to come in under budget! Isn’t that wonderful?”

At this point, I can hear the sound of another person joining the call, and I immediately recognise the shrill voice of the mother of the bride. To be fair, she and her husband are paying for the wedding, so they have a say in how their money is being spent, but they have certain ‘rich people’ eccentricities that are challenging to work with.

Client’s Mother: “Did I hear you say underbudget? No, no, no! My daughter will not have an underbudget wedding! It’s all the ladies will talk about!”

Me: “Well, madam, nothing about the wedding day itself has changed, so it will still be the elegant yet luxurious event we’ve been planning, it’s just coming in cheaper now.”

I said the cursed ‘c’ word.

Client’s Mother: “Cheap! No! My daughter’s wedding will not be cheap! What can we do about this?!”

Me: “What do you mean? There’s not much we can do. The venue is offering—”

Client’s Mother: “—a discount, yes, I heard! My daughter’s wedding will not be some discounted knock-off affair! There must be something we can do to push it back up to budget! Or overbudget even! I will not have the ladies from church implying we’re cheap!”

Me: *Eyes darting over the expenses spreadsheet.* “Well, uh, with the 5% saving from the venue, that does free up some budget for the harpist to join the string quartet, the one you said was extraneous to requirements?”

Client: “Oh yes, I did quite like the idea of a harpist—”

Client’s Mother: “—fine, but that’s not enough. What else can we add?”

Me: “The venue does have a peacock garden on the premises. They’re closed off on the day of the wedding, but for a fee, they can be reopened, and your guests could explore them and see the delightful peacocks.”

Client’s Mother: “—fine, let’s do that. Can we get in extra peacocks if there’s not enough?”

Me: “Uh… I think the supply is limited to just those already on site.”

Client’s Mother: *Sniffs.* “Fine, as long as it brings us back on budget! And make sure the bloody peacocks always have their feathers out!” *Click.*

The click at first makes me think the line is dead, but I realise it’s just the client’s mother hanging up, but the line to the actual client is still active.

Client: “Sorry about mother. She and the church ladies all went to another wedding a few weeks ago, and all they could say about it was ‘it looked like it came in under budget,’ and now she’s a bit paranoid.”

Me: “Your wedding involves the releasing of doves, butterflies, and you and your groom depart in a horse-drawn carriage. And now there are peacocks. I don’t think you’ll be at risk of such remarks.”

Client: “You haven’t met the ladies from church. I could fly in on a bloody Pegasus and they would still taunt that we couldn’t spring for a dragon.”