Me: “So, including [multiple project specifics], this project will run about [amount].”

Client: “That’s way too much! I can find someone on Craigslist to do it for a tenth of that. This is a really easy job. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two if you know what you’re doing. There’s no reason to try to rip me off. I’ll pay you [very low amount].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s really not possible. However, thank you for considering me for the project, and I’m sure that you’ll find someone more compatible with your budget.”

Client: “So, what? You’re saying you won’t do it for [very low amount]? Do you want to stay in your house?”

Client: “On that map of Maryland graphic… can you get rid of that jaggy thing? My client doesn’t like that.”

Me: “Uhh, that’s the Chesapeake Bay.”

Client: “I don’t think it’s part of Maryland, plus it’s annoying, so delete it.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s definitely part of Maryland.”

Client: “I still don’t think so… I’m Googling it right now, hold on.”

Silence.

Client: “Okay, just show the state boundary.”

Me: “Uhh, the Chesapeake Bay defines part of the state’s boundary. I can’t delete a body of water.”

Client: “Just fill it in, then.”

I’m designing a website for a client. The client initially expressed that he wanted to use burgundy.

Client: “This isn’t right. You know the color blood red?”

Me: “Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.”

Client: “Yeah, I love blood red. I want the logo to look like that. Do you know what it would look like if you took a paintbrush, dipped it in blood, and smeared it downward? How the blood would be darkest in the center, and there would be splatters of blood and lighter shades of blood around it?”

Me: “You want a gradient?”

Client: “No, I want it to look like the blood of all our victims.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Client: “You know, from all the bugs we’ve terminated.”

Me: “Oh.”

I’m designing a website for a client who is selling clothing.

Client: “Can we add a try-before-you-buy option?”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Client: “Like, letting them try on the clothes before they buy them, like in a real store.”

Me: “How do they try on clothes from a website?”

The client thinks about that for a moment.

Client: “Oh, yeah…”

I laugh and chalk it up to a brain fart, and I am about to move on with the consultation when…

Client: “So, I saw this movie Tron, where they go inside the computer and stuff. Can we do that?”

Me: *Trying to remain professional* “Not on your budget.”

Client: “Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Just send me the files when you’re finished.”

Client: “Just one question: how many centimeters is a pixel?”