I was writing a money-back webpage for a major “eco-friendly” household cleaner brand. The client was explaining their refund process.

Client: “If a consumer wants their money back, they have to visit our site where they’ll download a printable refund form. We’ll give them an address where they can send their completed form, along with the original receipt.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier to have them submit the form online?”

Client: “Well, honestly, we don’t want to make the refund process easier. That would result in more refunds.”

Me: “Right. But we are a ‘green’ brand, right? Seems odd that an eco-responsible company is asking consumers to print out a paper form and then send it through snail mail.”

Client: “Well, we’ve done this before and nobody complained, so it should be fine.”

Client: “I’d like a Christmas catalog video made.”

Me: “Okay, how many products, and do they need to be shown with actors in a lifestyle setting?”

Client: “About ninety products and in a lifestyle setting, but the video needs to be less than ninety seconds.”

Me: “Okay, but that would be less than one second per product and wouldn’t give enough time to show them.”

Client: “Can’t you do it in slow motion?”

I’m a graphic artist, and several of my clients are politicians. Here are some of the requests they’ve made.

Client #1: “Make me thinner.”

Client #2: “Give me more hair.”

Client #3: “Remove the bags under my eyes.”

Client #4: “Use this photo of my face, but put me in the suit from this magazine — you know, like paper dolls.”

Client #5: “I love this old photo of me, but my ex-wife is in it. Take her out and put in my current wife.”

Client #6: “Here’s a photo of me debating my opponent. Make me look taller than him. Also, could you make it look like he’s sweating?”

Client #7: “It’s important that everyone sees how family-oriented I am. Make my wife stand out more. Now make my kids stand out more. Now make me stand out more, because now you can’t tell I’m the focal point.”

The best, though, is that this has been an exchange I’ve had with every politician client.

Client #8: “Above all, this has to be unique!”

Me: “Understood.”

Client #8: “Great. Now use the American flag as a background, and make the text red and blue.”

Me: “Okay, my estimate for what you’re looking for is $120.”

Client: “That seems high.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but those are my rates.”

Client: “Is this one of those ‘floating price’ things? I think that’s just a dramatic way of asking for more money.”

I changed the client’s name in my contacts to “Cheap Know-It-All”.

A potential client from a huge corporate meat plant called me.

Client: “I need you to design tickets for an event.”

Me: “Great! What’s the event?”

Client: “I want to sell tickets to a football game, but this game is only in our minds; it’s pretend. You know how Mickey Mouse is only pretend?”

Me: “Yeah, I underst—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “It’s like that; it won’t actually happen. It’s a game between the ‘University Of [Meat Plant]’ and the [Actual NFL team].”

Me: “Do you have permission to use that—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “The event will be on August 32nd, and everyone will buy tickets to the game, buy T-shirts, the works! Since it’s an impossible date, the other team won’t show up, which means they will forfeit AND WE’LL WIN!”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s literally a scam, you don’t have permission for all of this, and you cut me off every time I sp—”

Client: *Cutting me off* “Please?”