I work for a graphic design firm. I can hear a coworker on the phone with a client as I approach my desk. The client is on speakerphone as I approach, and I hear:

Client: *Excitedly.* “And the pickle should be smiling, but not like… too happy. People don’t trust pickles that are too happy.”

There’s a pause. I look up at my colleague across the room, who takes the call off speakerphone, but I can still hear her side of the conversation.

Coworker: “Got it. So just to clarify, you want something bold, subtle, quirky, corporate, cute but intimidating, loud but muted, and minimal but detailed.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Perfect. I’ll just feed that into the AI and let it have a panic attack.”

I did not envy her the afternoon she was about to have.

I’m doing some price negotiations at a consulting firm with a client. I am dealing with a particularly annoying potential client. I have gone around in circles with him over email, tweaking this and that, and seeing how it would update the price. None of the changes have a significant impact on the price; he’s just trying to nickel and dime everything and arguing over a $20 difference on a seven-figure contract.

Finally, after two dozen emails, we finally end up on a twenty-six-week fixed fee project for a set price. I send him the final statement of work to sign, and he responds.

Client: “Hey, SOW looks good. But we have our [big annual meeting] coming up, and we want to keep you guys on through that. Can you update the end date to be the end of the year?”

Me: “Okay, that will take us up to thirty-two weeks. Let me run the numbers, and I will get another version to you tomorrow morning with updated pricing.”

Client: “Why would the pricing update?”

Related:
Time Is Money, Part 2
Time Is Money

I run a home renovation and gardening company. I get a call from a potential client asking about an extensive piece of work.

Me: “Okay, so with the digging, the concrete pour, the decking, the moving of the pipes, my rough quote would be in the region of $5,000.”

Client: “What?! I got the last guy that did it down to $2,000!”

I go to my stock (and time-saving) answer I always go to whenever a client uses this old and tired threat:

Me: “Go with him, then.”

Client: “I can’t! He went out of business.”

Me: “I wonder why…”

He called me a crook and hung up.

He called back three days later when he realized my quote actually came in at the low end.

I’m a freelance graphic designer. I live in a small rural village in England, and while not religious, am friends with a few neighbours who attend the local Catholic church. I’m helping them make some pamphlets for an upcoming religious service, and they’ve sent me the copy text to go into the design.

I spot something and call them back.

Me: “Are you sure this is the final copy?”

Client: “That’s what they told me!”

Me: “It’s just the text to go above the image of the priests. It says ‘let us prey’ – spelled P-R-E-Y.”

Client: “Yes, I see that.”

Me: “I think it should be P-R-A-Y. Prey as a verb is… well… probably not what they intended to go with an image of priests.”

Pause.

Client: “Oh… Oh! Yes… I see it now. Yes, I think I’d best double-check.”

Me: “Yes, I think that would be best.”

I’m an interior designer. I have a new client who has a vision for what they want, but describing it is always an adventure. We’ve moved on to bathroom tiles.

Client: “I need something that goes with this exact shade of mauve. But not purple. Or pink. Or anything cold.”

Me: “So… some warm neutrals and a few soft earth tones that would complement that?”

Client: “No, not beige. Beige is what people pick when they’ve given up.”

Me: “Okay, something warmer than beige but still subtle?”

Client: “It should feel luxurious but also rustic. And modern. But not trendy. I want it to look expensive without looking like I spent money.”

Me: “Right. Understated opulence with no trace of effort.”

Client: “Exactly. Is that so hard?”

Me: “Not at all. That’s my most requested paradox.”