Client: “Why hasn’t [project] made any progress?”

Boss: “Well… you no-showed for the past two meetings, and we were waiting for input. I left you a voicemail.”

Client: “What? I never did. When were those meetings?”

Boss: “[Date #1] and [date #2].”

Client: “This clearly isn’t my fault. I couldn’t have no-showed then because I wasn’t even in Minnesota that whole week.”

Boss: “That’s… Yes, but—”

Client: “Besides, I don’t even know how to ‘no-show.’ How do you expect to do work when you need your clients to do all this technical stuff?”

Me: “You’re going to get a lot of people stopping by the deli just to laugh at the sign if you make me put that quote on it.”

Client: “Let them laugh. There’s nothing funny about it.”

Me: “It is sort of funny, in a childish way, you have to admit.”

Client: “No! ‘You’ll love the taste of our wieners!’ has been our slogan since my grandfather opened this place. And I want it in bright, proud colors out front.”

I have this exchange with a client in March.

Client: “I want you to make me an animated cartoon of a mermaid in a toilet, but I want you to put our live-action actor’s face on the mermaid.”

Me: “You know, I’m a Flash animator, and it really sounds like what you want is a 3D animation. I know some people—”

Client: “No, no, that’s way outside my budget.”

So, I spend five weeks working exclusively on the designs and animation for this guy’s film, all the while receiving positive feedback and constructive criticism. At the beginning of April, I proudly turn in the final product.

I contact the client again in May.

Me: “Hey, I’ve been trying to contact you for the last six weeks to collect the payment for the work I did a couple of months ago.”

Client: “Yeah, about that… It turns out that your stuff was a little too ‘cartoony’ for us. We got someone else to do it so that it looked ‘real’ — you know, like The Lord Of The Rings.”

Me: “You mean… in 3D.”

Client: “Yeah, that’s right! So, I’m glad you understand why we can’t pay you, since we used that money to pay this company that did a much better job.”

Me: “Hey, you can’t just—”

Client: *Click*

My friend’s flatmate was working for a big advertising agency on a sponsored working visa. Apparently, if he lost his job, he couldn’t stay in the country. One day, he was called into the Creative Director’s office.

Creative Director: “Stand by the window and look at that window on the building across the way.”

Employee: “Why?”

Creative Director: “Just keep looking at it.”

He stood there for ten or fifteen minutes while the Creative Director went back to working on his computer. He went to move.

Employee: “What am I supposed to be seeing?”

Creative Director: “It’s really important to our next major campaign that you just stand there, keep looking, and don’t move.”

Eventually, the Creative Director said:

Creative Director: “Okay, I’m done. You can go now.”

He provided no explanation. As my mate’s flatmate left the room, he noticed that his shadow had been blocking the sun from the Creative Director’s monitor. 

He had spent over an hour staring out of a window so the Creative Director could finish writing a presentation without screen glare.

Client: “I want my email address to be info at golf dot com.”

Me: “You don’t own golf dot com. Your domain is [long domain name]golfcarts dot com.”

Client: “Okay, then make it information at golf dot com.”

Me: “The part of the email address after the ‘at’ sign has to be [long domain name]golfcarts dot com. You have to include [long domain name]golfcarts dot com in your email address.”

Client: “Oh! I get it, sorry. Make it [long domain name]carts at golf dot com, then.”