It is back in the 1980s, and I am a fresh graduate doing some accounting for a small home renovation company. They have a brick mason on the payroll who is currently building a chimney for a client. The client is being invoiced weekly during the project, but he hasn’t paid the last two, so I am calling him.

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Renovation Company]. I’d like to—”

Client: “Yeah, yeah, I’ll pay you guys soon. You’re all so needy! Money this, money that.”

Me: “I understand, sir, but as your account is behind by two invoices, we do need to—” 

Client: “I said I’ll pay when I can! Stop being needy!” *Click*

Well, he was a complete delight. I give him forty-eight hours, and when no invoice has been paid and the third is due soon, I call again.

Me: “Sir, our brick mason has almost finished your job, and you’re behind on payments. You’re at risk of him not finishing if you don’t settle—”

Client: “He’s done a crap job! I’m not satisfied at all! I think you should give me a discount because of this shoddy workmanship!”

Me: “Sir, our brick mason has over twenty years of experience in his field, and based on site inspections, there are no reported issues with the quality of your chimney. We will not be offering any discounts without evidence of—”

Client: “I won’t be paying more than I’ve already paid! I should be asking for a refund because of the low quality of the job, so you’re lucky I’m feeling nice!” *Click*

I relay what the client said to my manager, just as the brick mason himself is walking into the office.

Manager: “Oh, well, that happens sometimes, and honestly, this client was giving us some red flags from the start. I’m not that worried, though. Are you, [Brick Mason]?”

Brick Mason: “Nah. I did the thing, so if he doesn’t pay, he’s not getting a working chimney.”

Me: “What’s ‘the thing’?”

Manager: “Well, when [Brick Mason] is doing chimneys, every several courses of bricks, he puts in some plastic across the opening. When the job is done and we’re fully paid, he cuts out the plastic. 

Me: “And if we don’t get paid?

Brick Mason: “We just don’t say a word, and we wait for the call from them saying the house is full of smoke.” Me: “Isn’t that… kind of… dangerous?”

Brick Mason: “Not as dangerous as not paying your contractor.”

I was young, and I didn’t know how I felt about their “solution”, but it seemed to work! The client called saying our chimney wasn’t working, and they said they would go out to fix it if the client paid up in full.

I was very young, and it was a different time, so I don’t think I would let it fly today, but back then, it did seem oddly satisfactory.

I was asked to design a website for an antique shop and auction house.

Client: “I’d like you to build a website for my company. I’ll be able to pay you in a few months, once we start making money.”

I passed after he asked me how to tell the difference between an oil painting and a print, and whether I knew anyone who could teach him how to restore antiques.

I work in transportation logistics. We make sure that freight is delivered on time. We have a customer that is… difficult… to say the least. They are the type of company that wants to complain about anything. If we deliver every load we have for them, they want to complain about how we can’t deliver the freight that is still on a freight barge in the middle of the Ocean and are “refusing to deliver their freight”. If we miss a load, they want to complain about how we can’t do anything right.

They decide to go overboard one day and send me to a breaking point. Something that needs to be known about this customer: they will only allow us to deliver ten loads a day. Period. End of story.

We just received sixty loads we have to deliver to them. Okay, this is easy; ten loads a day means it will take six days to deliver all the freight. Ten times six equals sixty. Well… at least I thought this was easy.

The customer has a literal fit when we tell them this. They tell us that we are “refusing to deliver their freight in a timely manner”. They demand a call with us.

Customer: *Screaming at the top of their lungs* “This is unacceptable! How can you even tell us it will take six days to deliver all our freight?!”

Me: “I am not sure I am following. You will only allow us to deliver ten loads a day. We have sixty loads. That will take us six days to deliver.”

Customer: “Unacceptable! How can you be so stupid?! Six days. Can you even do math?!”

Me: *Slightly agitated but still professional* “Apparently not? Please advise what you mean and how we are not making the delivery timely. Again, we can only deliver ten loads a day to you. Has this changed?”

Customer: “No, it hasn’t! You can only deliver ten loads a day. I mean…” *Frustrated sigh* “Six days. I cannot believe how f****** stupid you are. I demand a call with the president of the company!”

Me: “Absolutely. Let me get with him and we can go from there.”

I call the president and tell him what is going on. The president is shocked and annoyed by what I’m telling him. But, as the customer (who does a lot of business with us) is upset, he agrees to a call at 2:30 that afternoon.

We have the call. The customer is still irate and screaming that we are being too slow and that they cannot believe it will take six days to deliver sixty loads. My president and I do everything we can to try to explain to them that ten times six equals sixty, but the customer refuses to accept it. We ask them five different ways if we can deliver more loads a day. This is always met with a resounding “No!” The customer is also not supporting any counter-offers for how we can deliver more quickly in their eyes. They are simply appalled that… ten times six equals sixty?

We spend TWO HOURS on this conference call, and nothing is resolved. Frankly, we are at an impasse in any negotiations. My customer simply refuses to accept that ten times six equals sixty. We end the call with the fact that we will deliver the loads, ten a day, and that is the best we can do based on the parameters the customer has set. I leave the office that day frustrated and upset.

The very next day, the customer sends us an email. When I read it, I literally start beating my head on the desk.

Email: “After the call yesterday, we still do not understand your incompetence. However, we must ask: if we allow you to deliver twelve loads a day, will that shorten the timeframe for you to deliver all the freight?”

UUUUUUGH

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 11
Math Is Your Friend, Part 10
Math Is Your Friend, Part 9
Math Is Your Friend, Part 8
Math Is Your Friend, Part 7

In 2013, I was a creative project manager working for a marketing agency on a massive account for one of the big supermarkets in the North. One particular client required an urgent photoshoot for staged food shots (cameos).

The shoot was on a Friday in a city an hour and a half away — and a s***ty drive — from the client’s HQ city.

Due to the client requiring around six shots (ideally you only want to be doing three or four at most for one day), I was there early to assist in setup and ensure that everything was running smoothly from a creative and flow perspective. This fell to me because the supermarket was “saving costs” and wouldn’t pay for an art director (from my agency).

I also found out the day before that the client wouldn’t be attending (but still needed to approve) because they were on a day’s holiday. Awesome!

We had multiple rigs running so that as one shot was on set, the next was prepped and ready to go.

With the client being on holiday, once the food stylist, photographer, and assistants had worked their magic, I would be required to have my art director (back at base), the consistency client (in a separate department), and then the actual client all prepped and ready for email approval/feedback straight away to make sure the day ran as smoothly as possible.

Between the sheer tenacity and willpower of the photographer, assistants, food stylist, my art director, and me, we managed to get four completed by about 5:00 pm, with the bigger, more technical shots done earlier. We’re talking big BBQ scenes with multiple products and accompaniments, etc. This is where things went pear-shaped — as if in reality, they weren’t already pear-shaped enough.

Upon requiring the final client approval of the fifth shot around 5:30 pm, the client went missing for two hours. I’d begun bypassing the consistency client as they’d gone home. (I knew the brand inside and out, anyway.)

The main client finally got back in touch, telling me they’d taken their kids someplace. Then, for the last shot, they went missing for another two or so hours. This time, I was told their phone battery had died.

So, we got that final approval at 9:00 pm. Plus an hour and a half drive back home on a Friday night. And, as you might have guessed, I wasn’t getting overtime.

Work-life balance anyone? Nope.

This was another nail in the coffin for me at that agency, as I’d had so many ridiculous photoshoots, requests, and situations on that account. I’d been told I should wear a stripey mask, called a thief for charging the clients standard rate for jobs (on a contractual rate card) — all sorts.

I even had burnout and three weeks off with stress for another scandalous job. I was a gibbering wreck. Only pride and an independent hypnotist got me back into that place.

I am managing a team of contractors who have been hired to redo the paving for a driveway. The client is a woman who owns a large house in a remote and rural area. The existing driveway is old and not fit for purpose and was dug up by another contractor, but for reasons unknown to me at the time they couldn’t finish it.

We take on the job and we’re setting up on the first day. The driveway is just a muddy hill at this point, so no one can park on it and we’re taking up space in a lawn area by the street (the client owns the land).

The client comes out as we are setting up and I am going through what we intend to achieve today.

Me: “Oh, and one other thing, is there a particular toilet you would like the guys to use?”

Client: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, for then the guys need to… you know… go.”

Client: “None! I don’t want any of you lot inside my house!”

Me: “Madam, you would have been told when booking us that we do not provide our own on-site toilet facilities at the budget you agreed.”

Client: “Yes, that’s right! I’m not going to pay extra for you all to p*ss and s***!”

Me: “Madam, clients that do not pay the rate that provides on-site toilets usually do so because they provide those facilities themselves.”

Client: “Not me! If I see any of you lot even look the wrong way through my windows, I’ll complain!”

I am beginning to see why the last contractors bailed. I call up my boss (the owner of the company) and relay the situation. I am told what to do and I relay this information to the client.

Me: “Madam, I am afraid we will not be able to finish this job for you. We are not legally allowed to work without access to toilet facilities. We will pack up now, and you will be refunded minus your deposit.”

Client: “What?! No! I paid for you to do my driveway! I can’t use it and I need it!”

Me: “And our men need to, as you so eloquently put it, p*ss and s***. Goodbye! Good luck finding another contractor.”

Client: “Please! Come back!”

Me: “Will you be willing to pay the rate for the hire of the external toilet facilities?”

Client: “Of course not!”

Me: “Therefore will we be able to use your toilets?”

I look up at the huge house that must contain quite a few of them.

Client: “There are toilets in the pub in the village. It’s only three miles up the road and—”

Me: “Okay, bye! Looks like I get to watch the football match this afternoon after all, thanks for that!”

I watched the footy in the afternoon, with my boss, and a nice cold beer, paid for by her deposit.

I drove by her house on another job six weeks later, and the driveway was still a muddy mess, but I am sure her toilets were immaculate.