Many decades ago, I had the “pleasure” of dealing with a client from Hell. Or, rather, of seeing them dealt with.

My manager got fed up of his staff returning very angry off from an on-site visit to enforce the mandatory – at the client’s request – monthly password change.

On the client themselves. The boss. The person who had demanded a mandatory monthly password change. And who was the only member of the client’s staff who didn’t just change the d*** password.

Until the password was changed, the client couldn’t access their system, so would put in a service call under our contract, then – when we were onsite – demand we also do x y, and z , not covered by the contract, for free, since we were “already on site”. And wouldn’t let us leave (we needed a “security escort” to move around the site; they would mysteriously not be available) until we caved.

So, on the next call, we ALL went. The whole team, including the manager. And we had a sit-down, recorded by both parties, meeting with the client, to determine why they were having so many issues. The client brought their in-house lawyer, and their CFO, so as not to feel too intimidated by the numbers sitting opposite them.

My manager had prepared well. He had all the service call records in front of him, going back about 18 months. Detailed records, kept by his team, of EXACTLY what we had done, and why, on each of those service calls. And he went through each one, one at a time.

The client actually confirmed – as their lawyer and CFO started squirming – exactly what services had been rendered on each visit, saying things like “yes, I remember that, we needed it because abc …”. Meanwhile, my manager and the senior tech were taking careful notes.

Once everything had been gone through, and confirmed by the client, my manager and the senior tech checked notes, pulled out a calculator – the CFO looked a little sick at this point – and did some sums.

Then my manager nodded, pulled out a pre-prepared invoice, and a highlighted copy of the contract. He put them carefully into a report cover, with a lovely, professional cover page, then slid them across the table to the client, and said something along the lines of:

Invoice: “This is our final invoice, for additional services rendered. You will see, in the copy of the contract included, that I have highlighted, in yellow, the sections covering additional services, including the hourly rate to be applied. Plus VAT.

The invoice due date is today. As per the contract, additional services are payable on receipt of said services, so I feel we have given you ample leeway on this payment, and I must insist on full payment by close of business today.

Included with the invoice is our notice of termination of additional services. If you refer to the copy of the contract, I have highlighted, in green, the sections covering the withdrawal and termination of additional services. We will not be providing any further additional services.

Included with the invoice is our notice of intent to withdraw from the contract at the end of term, which is next Monday. We will not be renewing this contract. If you refer to the copy of the contract, I have highlighted, in pink, the sections covering the right to refuse renewal at term.

And finally, should you wish to dispute this, included with the invoice are the contact details for our legal department. We would be more than happy to see you in Court.”

Manager: “Now, about this password change you seem to be incapable of doing…”

He turned the client’s workstation to face him, performed a password change – politely asking the client what password they wanted – and turned it back to face the client.

Manager: “Any other business? No? Well, thank you everyone.”

He reached over and turned off his recording device picked it up, and dropped it into his briefcase, snapped it shut, stood up, offered his hand to the client, the lawyer and the CFO, and swept out of the room, with the rest of us following along.

It. Was. GLORIOUS.

I aspire to be that manager when I grow up.

I received a revision from a hospital I was doing some contract work for. Hospitals usually have their own Marketing Directors, so I assumed I was speaking to someone with some background in Design. I soon (re)learned why you shouldn’t assume these things.

Client: “For the ad, please remove the three upside-down Ms in front of our web address so that it just reads ‘[Hospital] dot com’.”

If only someone would invent a name for those upside-down Ms!

I’m an Australian freelancer, and I was working with an American producer for an Australian market.

Me: “You’ve misspelled ‘colour’. We use the British spelling, so here, ‘color’ would be incorrect.”

Client: “I’ll think about it.”

Me: “Well, it’s an Aussie client and an Aussie target market. It would be a bit embarrassing to spell it incorrectly.”

Client: “If it weren’t for us saving your a**es in World War II, you would be Japanese!”

Me: “To finish installing this program on the server, I need to restart it. Can you tell everybody to save their work and log out?”

Client: “Okay, I’ll call you when it’s done.”

Two minutes later…

Client: “So, everyone just presses the little X in the corner?”

Me: “No, they need to save all of their work and log off. The server is going to be shut down completely to restart.”

Client: “Okay, then.”

Five minutes later…

Client: “Okay, you can do it now.”

After the reboot…

Me: “Okay, the server is back up now, so you should all be able to connect again.”

Client: “So, ah… if someone didn’t save their work when you shut down… is that now unrecoverable?”

Me: “Yes.”

A client and I were discussing what kind of image they wanted to use to display the different color choices available for their product on a website they’ve been working on. The website has been in development off and on for almost a year, mostly due to the owner’s inability to make — and stick with — a decision.  

There were a handful of options, and we had initially settled on using a photograph. Something recently happened to their website designer, so the client came back to me, wanting to work on assets for the site again — specifically focusing on this image and wanting to change it.

Client: “I don’t know what video games are made of. Animation, right?”

I was thrown for a slight loop, hoping the client wasn’t going to ask for an animation of their product.

Me: “Yes?”

Client: “Well, I want an image like a video game. Animation, but without the motion.”

After a moment of baffled silence, I eventually gleaned that he meant he wanted an illustration, and he couldn’t decide between something more cartoony or more photo-realistic and rendered. After explaining how long a rendered image would take (not to mention the cost), we decided on something cel-shaded.  

I have a feeling I’ll be dealing with revisions, though.