We are wholesale distributors of leisure and sports goods (active leisure, fishing equipment, etc). We are having an online meeting with a potential new client in a small region. We already have some clients in this region.

Client: “Well, I could think of buying from you guys only on one condition, if you do not sell to my competitors.”

He then lists his competitors in the region, and more than half of them are already our clients.

Me: “So, you would like to be exclusive to our product list in the region, am I correct?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me: “Sure, we have several exclusive partnerships in some regions. But in order for this to happen, we need to establish a contract and outline requirements: for us, the delivery and product requirements, and for you, the buying frequency and minimum amounts.”

Client: “Minimum amounts? No, I do not want to oblige. I will buy as long as I think I need, and without minimum amounts.”

Me: “I am sorry, but we already have a yearly turnover in this region of about 500,000 Euros, and it is increasing between five to ten percent every year. If you want us to make you an exclusive buyer of our product list, you need to match those numbers. We are not going to cancel 500,000 euros per year just to have some random orders.”

Client: “Oh, I see. I can’t afford 500,000 a year. I was thinking like a 500 or 1000 a month tops.”

I thanked him for his time. He is our non-exclusive client now, and makes a 10,000 euro turnover a year in that region.

I’m in a video conference call with a client. We’re going around and doing introductions. I’m the laboratory analyst and am the one working with the stuff they are sending to us. We run through the normal procedure, and I suggest some ways to move forward with their stuff to get the results they want.

Client: *Directed at my boss.* “That’s great, but what does the guy working on our stuff think?”

Boss: “The guy not working on your stuff thinks the woman working on your stuff is right.”

They were noticeably quieter in the call after that.

A client who owes me $3,000 calls with an unusual request.

Client: “Hey, I hope it’s okay, but I gave your name as a reference to another contractor.”

Me: “A reference for what?”

Client: “For our company. They wanted to know if we pay our bills on time.”

Me: “And what did you tell them to expect me to say?”

Client: “That we’re great clients who always pay promptly.”

Me: “But you currently owe me $3,000, which is ninety days overdue.”

Client: “Right, but that’s different.”

Me: “How is it different?”

Client: “That’s a cash flow issue. This other contractor wants to know about our character.”

Me: “Isn’t paying your bills part of character?”

Client: “Well, yeah, but we intend to pay you.”

Me: “When?”

Client: “Soon. Probably next month.”

Me: “You said that last month.”

Client: “Right, but this time I mean it.”

Me: “So what should I tell this other contractor?”

Client: “Just tell them we’re honest and reliable.”

Me: “Honest and reliable clients who don’t pay their invoices?”

Client: “You’re being really negative about this.”

The other contractor thanked me for my honesty.

This is a story from when I worked in title insurance and cell phones were still a relatively new thing.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [Me]. How can I help you?”

Client: “Yes, I need you to look up some policies for me.”

Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”

Sounds of papers shuffling. Then screeching tires and a horn honking.

Client: “…A**hole. Sorry, someone honking their horn at me…”

Me: “[Client], I hate to break your train of thought. But are you driving right now?”

Client: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “Okay… Let’s wait until you get to your destination before I look up these policies for you. I don’t want you getting into a wreck.”

Client: “But I need these policies before five!”

Me: “I promise I’m not going anywhere until five. So, let’s end this call, and you can call me back at my extension when you get to your office. Okay?”

Client: “…Okay.”

He hung up the call, and I lay my head on the desk for a minute. All our clients were lawyers, so you’d think he’d know better than to be on his cell phone or looking at paperwork while driving!

Years ago, when there were only flip phones, I worked for a week for this guy off Craigslist. Eight to ten-hour days for seven straight days.

He dropped off $37 at my house with a nasty note saying I was a s***ty painter and didn’t even deserve the $37. I can’t remember my hourly rate, but I know it was more than a few cents an hour.

So, this dude had mentioned he had arguments with his girlfriend about constantly calling and leaving messages, because he would still incur a charge.

So, my buddy had a PC with a modem and set it up to dial the guy’s phone for three straight days and leave a message for two seconds and hang up, then redial.

I wish I knew what his bill was by the end.