I’m a web designer. A would-be client contacts me and asks if I’d be willing to “clean up” a website that he had another designer do, “which has since stopped working”.

I go to the URL he gives me and am greeted with a site that looks like it has been sliced EXACTLY in half. One half is a workable site. The other half is giant, colourful text reading “PAY HALF THE BILL, GET HALF THE PRODUCT”.

I refused the job.

I work in construction. One of our crews was installing some insulation on piping when I got an angry call from our client.

Client: “What are you guys doing? They’re out here putting fiberglass insulation on the pipe!”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what we had talked about and planned for—”

Client: “I told you no fiberglass is allowed out here!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, I do not remember that at all. I thought we were planning on using fiberglass. It’s on the quote I sent you.”

Client: “WELL… YOU NEED TO ADJUST YOUR BUSINESS TO ACCOUNT FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ THE QUOTES!”

I’m a graphic designer. Many years ago (in the age before AI), I made a brochure for a client. The cover had a photo of a couple; she was sitting with a computer, looking and smiling at the camera. The guy was standing behind, looking at her, so his eyes seemed to be closed. 

When sent for approval, she emailed back with her comments. First one was:

Client: “Please open the guy’s eyes.”

I called her back and explained that it would look fake.

Me: “Also, we’d need to buy a second stock photo just to get a set of open eyes in high-res. It’s easier and cheaper to just pick a different photo from the same photo shoot.”

Client: “Oh, I happen to know that the software you use!”

Me: “Photosho—”

Client: “—It has a button that opens eyes. The open eyes button! The design studio we used to work with used it once.”

I was trying not to laugh.

Me: “Well, we don’t use it.”

Client: “You need to get yourself a software with an open eyes button! It’s how things are done these days!”

Now the “open eyes” button is famous where I work.

A client calls in and states they cannot use their phone for verification. No problem, I have three other ways to verify.

The client fails ALL of them. Every single last one.

This person would not get off my phone, and keeps going around and around with “Is the government locking my account? Is there fraud?!”

Lady, no. You just keep giving wrong answers.

She would not stop and began shouting out high-pitched, unhinged conspiracy theories. Lady, again, it ain’t that deep; you just keep failing your own s*** YOU put on your account.

By now, I look so visibly stressed, my team leader (who is an honest-to-God angel) comes over and she says, “Just stand your ground, just keep telling her no.” Which I did.

Y’all, this call was forty-five minutes of me telling this woman no.

I got off when I finally got her to hang up and went and got a smoke. I love my company because this was my first hellish call, and I was completely backed up by my bosses the whole time, but JFC, this call made me question my religion.

Even though, in this information age of the Internet, everything is booked online, I work for a travel agency that deals with high-end clients who get off on still having humans book everything for them at a premium.

Caller: “Hello, yes, I wanted to book a stay at a hotel I saw on TV.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. What hotel was it?”

Caller: “The White Lotus.”

This is actually a common request.

Me: “Was it season one, which was in Hawaii, season two, which was in Sicily, or season three, which was in Thailand?”

Caller: “The most recent one, with the Asians.”

Me: “Excellent, then that was the Four Seasons Resort at Koh Samui. What dates were you—”

Caller: “—No, no, I don’t want to stay at the Four Seasons. I’ve stayed in one of those before, and so have all my friends. I want to stay at The White Lotus resort.”

Me: “Ma’am… The White Lotus isn’t a real resort. It’s made up for the show. The hotels they film in are indeed real, though, and so far have been using the Four Seasons resorts. I can—”

Caller: “—No, I want to stay in a White Lotus!”

Me: “They don’t exist, ma’am.”

Caller: “I thought your agency could book anything for its clients!”

Me: “Only in hotels that exist, ma’am. Please rest assured that I can absolutely book you into the exact same hotel that you saw on the show, and you will be able to stay in the same rooms and swim in the same pools, but it will not be called The White Lotus. Those are Four Seasons resorts.”

Pause.

Caller: “Fine, but can you call ahead and have them put up a white lotus sign for me to take selfies with?”

Me: “I can… put in a request.”

Caller: “Excellent. I need to make my friends really jealous. It’s pretty much the only reason any of us travel these days…”

She made a booking for a $4,000 a night stay at the Four Seasons Resort at Koh Samui. I put in the client’s specific request in the ‘special requests’ booking form. The speed and conciseness of the polite “no” I got from the resort booking office told me this was not the first time they had received such a request…