I was asked to design a logo for a local cafe, and I gave them some concepts.

Owner: “Your design is too sexy and provocative for our target audience. We’ve hired another designer.”

Three weeks later, I entered the cafe and my concept was two metres wide across the main wall. 

But they offered me a free coffee and snack.

Client: “Can you have it done by this Monday?”

Me: “But today’s Monday.”

Client: “Yeah, I need it in a few hours.”

Me: “There are literally two hours left in the day.”

Client: “Well, I won’t need it for Tuesday, so you’d better hurry if you want to get paid.”

Client: “We got twenty-two sales from the first email blast you did, eight from the second, two from the third, and none from the fourth and fifth.”

Me: “Yeah, we’ve reached everybody we’re going to reach. We either need to start deep discounting or give this promotion up.”

Client: “What if you ran the promotion again?”

Me: “There would be no sales, and people would start unsubscribing from the mailing list. It’s time to move on.”

Client: “What if you removed the unsubscribe option?”

Me: “Well, then you would have no sales and also a lot of potential customers very angry with you. And you’d be breaking consumer protection law. This idea is a total bin fire.”

Client: “I see your point. Any other suggestions?”

Me: “Well, you’ve got a couple of new launches planned next year. We could start teasing them to keep people interested — unless you have any other special offers you’d like to run?”

There was radio silence for three weeks. Then, I received an email blast with the original offer, but not written by me, to an address I had never signed up with. And, twenty-four hours later, another identical one with the unsubscribe option missing. And then twelve hours later another. And six hours after that.

And then the client went into receivership.

I was never paid.

I volunteer for an organization fifteen-plus hours a week. Part of my job requires updating the forty-plus members via email and the site. After realizing members aren’t reading anything posted or sent to them, I ask where we are going wrong.

Client: “Information on the website doesn’t work for us. We just don’t have time to read it. We’re too busy.”

Me: “What about email?”

Client: “We don’t have time to read emails, either.”

Me: “Texts?”

Client: “Sometimes, if we remember to check our phones. You know what would be really great, though?”

Me: “Sure, what works?”

Client: “Phone calls. Could you call us with this information?”

Me: “You mean you want me to call you and read all the information in the emails and on the website to you? All forty of you? Every week?”

Client: “Yes. We would prefer to keep things easy for everyone.”

I work as a film editor. My client owns an event planning company that mainly deals with parties and concerts.

Client: “This is good. I just can’t believe you let this guy’s a** occupy so much of the frame at 02:22!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Client: “That guy’s a**! It’s all people will look at!”

Me: “Would you like me to replace the shot?”

Client: “No… I like it. But can you make it smaller?”

Me: “Make what smaller?”

Client: “That guy’s a**!”

Me: “I can cut the clip’s duration a little shorter and add in another clip. Though I would really suggest just replacing it.”

Client: “No, never mind. I’ll call him about his a** and we’ll see what we can work out.”