I create wall art and murals. I am talking to a client about doing the outside wall of their nursery.

Client: “Oh, and I want a big painting with Moana, the sisters from Frozen, and that Encanto girl who wears the glasses.”

Me: “I don’t think that would be a good idea. Those are copyrighted characters.”

Client: “Oh, they’ll never notice a small nursery like ours!”

Me: “Are you kidding? This is Disney. They probably have their lawyers on their way to our houses right now.”

An old client recently changed his Facebook to Timeline, the newest interface.

Client: “Help! My Facebook has gone all funny! Can you fix it?”

Me: “No, I can’t.”

Client: “Well, what kind of designer are you?”

Me: “One that makes a lot less than the ones who work for Facebook.”

Client: “So you are saying you won’t fix Facebook for me.”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Client: “How much to design a new one?”

Me: “A new page?”

Client: “A new Facebook.”

Client: “Can you make this blue redder?”

Me: “Like, purple?”

Client: “No. A red-blue. Or even a blue-red. Are you colour blind?”

Client: “I don’t like any of the logos my current designer did and I want you to see what you can come up with.”

Me: “Great, I’ll have some concepts ready for you next week.”

Client: “Oh, do you do any writing?”

Me: “Yeah, what do you need?”

Client: “This would have to be for free. I need you to use my Outlook to email the other designer and tell her that I don’t like her work.”

I work for a roofing company. I am heading to a client’s home a week after we have finished installing his new roof. This is a normal inspection to sign off, but I also need to double-check the installation as our area suffered a major storm a few days earlier and a lot of houses have been damaged.

I am walking onto the site when the client comes rushing up to me.

Client: “You! You need to talk to my insurance company about the roof!”

Me: “Okay, let’s inspect the storm damage and I would be happy to provide a professional assessment.”

Client: “What storm damage?! There isn’t any! Your g**d*** roof didn’t lose a single tile in the storm!”

Me: “Oh. And that’s… bad?”

Client: “Terrible! My insurer won’t pay out because there’s no roof damage, and it’s all your fault! What are you going to do about it?! Hmm?”

Me: “Get you to say all that again on camera for our site?”