After the client asked specifically for cool colors…

Client: “Can you put some cool reds in there?”

Me: “Red is usually considered very warm.”

Client: “Any color can be cool with the right attitude.”

A customer wanted us to stay open an extra hour so he could pick up his business cards. I offered to ship them to his office overnight, but he refused.

Client: “You know, it’s inconsiderate to be closed at 5:00 pm. Some people just can’t fit that around their schedules…”

His speech became inaudible due to some loud, bassy noises.

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re not coming in clearly. Where are you?”

Client: “I’m at the theatre. The movie doesn’t even end until 5:30 pm. Case in point!”

Me: “Indeed.”

I make a living as a musician, but I supplement my (inconsistent) freelancing by working on-call at a place that offers group piano and pre-piano lessons, primarily with children around kindergarten age.

The mother of one of the kids in my class pulled my boss aside within earshot of me.

Client: “I don’t like the new teacher. He’s just too tall to be dealing with kids.”

She leaned in closer.

Client: “And his hair is too long.”

I work in the small graphic design section of a web design company. I only interact with clients for the design aspect of their websites. One of them video-calls me in a panic.

Client: “The customers aren’t signing up for the loyalty program!”

Me: “I see. Well, that’s an operational issue, and I work in graphic design, so let me transfer you to—”

Client: “No! You designed the button that links our customers to the loyalty program! You need to make them click it!”

Me: “Well, I suppose we could try a few more eye-catching designs to—”

Client: “I need you to guarantee me a 100% sign-up rate.”

Me: “Well… that’s impossible.”

Client: “What am I paying you people for?!”

Me: “Sir, I’m just the graphic designer, so I can’t speak for the operational team, but no one can guarantee a 100% sign-up rate, ever. No one gets that!”

Client: “I am paying you to get people to sign up for my loyalty program!”

Me: “And I can design eye-catching ways to direct users to your program, but I can’t make them sign up.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “Because—”

Because this is a video call, the conversation has been broadcast to those in the room. Usually, this isn’t an issue, but my manager has had enough and steps over.

Manager: “Because she designs graphics; she doesn’t force your readers to sign up for a loyalty program.”

Client: “I just don’t understand why you can’t do what I ask.”

Manager: “Because we’re website designers, not hypnotists.”

My manager closes up the conversation quickly.

Manager: “Seriously, what do they want? Witchcraft?”

The operational lead later came over to our office, looking confused, and asked if we knew why the client suddenly wanted to put “hypnotic designs” on the loyalty sign-up page.

Client: “I watched the instructional video you prepared, and I am able to add and publish a post. How do I get the new post to appear on the navigation menu?”

Me: “You watched the video from beginning to end?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, scroll to 6:30 on it.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “The title should read ‘How to Make a New Post Appear’.”

Client: “Right.”

Me: “Now finish watching the video.”