I’m American Chinese. A customer comes over to me.

Customer: “Do you speak Asian?”

Me: “No one does.”

 Customer: “Oh… is it one of those dead languages? Like Latino?”

One of my coworkers is from England but has lived in the USA for about a year since marrying an American. She is working the cheese counter when a customer comes over.

Customer: “How much is a pound of cheddar?”

English Coworker: “Depends how much it weighs.”

The customer looks confused, and I just laugh.

English Coworker: “Wait… no. Shush! I’m from England! That would make sense in England!”

Me: “Wait… that makes it even worse!”

After selecting a track from a CD provided by the client for an animation…

Client: “This is just way too horny. I don’t want it to be all horns.”

Me: “Okay, we could definitely find a track with fewer horns.”

Client: “Just pick something that doesn’t have any sort of jazzy feeling to it.”

The music the client provided was from a local jazz orchestra.

I’m checking out with my items at the grocery store, and my checkout clerk suddenly lets out a snort of laughter. It’s so loud and sudden that it catches me by surprise.

Clerk: “Oh, my God! Sorry! I just saw something on the register, and it made me laugh.”

Suddenly, it clicks, and I know why she’s laughing.

Me: “Are you new?”

Clerk: “Yeah, I started a few weeks ago.”

Me: “The clerks love it when I buy Land O Lakes butter because of what it does to the register.”

We both look at the register and how it’s decided to display my item as it was scanned.

Register: “LOL BUTT.”

Clerk: “Not gonna lie, I found that hilarious.”

Me: “Oh, if you liked that, then you’re gonna love this next one.“

She scans my next item: the Land O Lakes Omega-3 eggs.

Register: “LOL OMG EGGS.”

Clerk: *Squeals*

I work at an Italian restaurant in a very expensive part of the city. Our pizzas aim to be as traditional and authentic as possible, including the ingredients and their names. I am serving a table of six.

Customer: “I’ll get the diavola pizza.” 

Me: “Very good. We actually offer two spice options for the salami for that pizza; would you like mild, or—”

Customer: “Salami?! I can’t have salami! I’m vegetarian!” 

Me: “Ah, then maybe the diavola is not the best option for you. It’s essentially our pepperoni pizza.”

Customer: “If there’s pepperoni on it, then you should say so!” 

Me: “The list of ingredients under the name does explain—”

Customer: “Nobody reads those! It’s a good thing I checked, isn’t it? Now then, since you’ve ruined the diavola for me, I will have the soppressata, instead.” 

Me: “Um… that’s also another type of salami.”

Customer: “What?! Again?! Do you only have salami back there?!”

Me: “All the pizzas that are suitable for vegetarians have a little green V next to them on the menu.” 

Customer: “Fine.” *Browses furiously* “I’ll get the quattro formaggi. Is that… acceptable?!“

Me: “Great choice! One of my favorites!”

The rest of the table orders, and I bring out their pizzas. My vegetarian customer doesn’t look happy.

Customer: “This is all just cheese!” 

Me: “Yes, ‘quattro formaggi’ means ‘four cheeses’.”

Customer: “What kind of outfit are you running back there?! I didn’t want just cheese!” 

Me: *Trying not to sigh* “Maybe if you tell me what you’d like on your pizza, I can see what the kitchen can do.”

Customer: “I want olives, and tomatoes, and some peppers!” 

Me: “We have a garden pizza that has those. Would you like me to replace your quattro formaggi with that?”

Customer: “Well, obviously!” 

I take the pizza away, and the kitchen fires up a replacement ASAP. I bring it out.

Me: “How does this look?”

Customer: “Fine, but I’m still upset with you because now all my friends are almost finished eating!”

Customer’s Friend: “That’s because we all know how to read! Eat your f****** pizza, and leave the poor girl alone!”

The customer scowled, I got winks from the rest of the diners, and I still managed to get a nice tip from the rest of them!