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Either That Or He Was Looking For A Handout

, , , , , | Working | June 24, 2022

In the eighties, I worked for a newsagent at a local train station.

One day, a young man came in and asked for a packet of “Free”. The only thing we sold by that name was a brand of cigarettes not made from tobacco — I seem to remember the ingredients included cherry leaves. They came in “ordinary” and “menthol”.

Me: “Do you want the menthol-flavoured ones?”

It took about a fraction of a second for his face to turn crimson and he left the shop rather hurriedly.

Only later did I realize that he had probably wanted to buy condoms, as “Free” was a popular brand of condoms back then. Our condoms were a different brand, and I only thought of the one thing we sold with the name “Free”. I did feel sorry for the poor guy.

A Directionless Conversation

, , , | Right | June 24, 2022

I went to Germany with my parents while my mum was on sabbatical. I studied German for one year in high school, and I was doing extra studying with a tutor, but I didn’t have many practical language skills. I realized while at the mall that I needed to find the toilet, and I was excited because I had just learned how to ask. I found the nearest attendant.

Me: “Bitte, wo ist die toilette?”

The attendant said something back in very rapid German. I paused, and then said in English:

Me: “Sorry, I knew how to ask where the toilet was, but I didn’t think about whether I would understand the answer. Can you repeat that in English?”

I got a rather dirty look from the attendant, who wasn’t impressed by me wasting her time. The next time I met with my tutor, I insisted we start learning words used in directions so that I would be ready if the situation ever happened again.

First-Class Seats, Low-Class Attitude

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: alex_moreno794 | June 18, 2022

I was traveling with my kiddo from the states to my home country, which takes around eight hours with connections, so I booked first-class seats for both of us. However, due to the health crisis, in this airline, ours was the last group to be called to board.

When we boarded, it turned out a woman and her kid were in our seats. I politely told the woman so, but she ignored me. And as we were the last to board, I had to call the flight attendant and let her know that, because we were soon to take off.

She came and the woman just repeated in Spanish, “Lo siento; no entiendo,” over and over again — “I’m sorry; I don’t understand” in English. The flight attendant felt frustrated as she explained the situation to her in Spanish. It was obvious Spanish wasn’t her first language, and yet the woman pretended she didn’t understand.

But here comes the funny part. I am a Spanish speaker, so I grinned and told her in Spanish that she was in our seats and had to move to their seats. She then got red-faced and told me — all in Spanish, of course:

Woman: “I’m a single mother! You should respect your elders. You should go with your brother to the regular seats because I deserve to have the first-class ones!”

Me: *Also in Spanish* “You’re not my elder; I’m twenty-seven. And I don’t give a f*** about you being a single mother. You can pay for the tickets as I did; I’m a single parent, as well.”

The woman had the pleasure of having me as her translator, telling her and her child to go back to their seats or they would be escorted out of the plane.

In the end, she went back to their seats and told me in English how my kind have ruined the States. I just laughed at them and told her to enjoy their seats.

Email Fail, Part 37

, , , , , , | Working | June 15, 2022

I own my own website, so I can make up email addresses and they all come to me; i.e. [My Name]@[website], unicorn@[website], walmart@[website], etc. I do this so that when someone sells my email address, I know exactly who to block or who to give priority to.

It’s time for taxes, and I call my very nice tax person who I have been using for over fifteen years to get them to send me the secure file location so I can upload all of my personal and small business information. A brand new receptionist answers the phone. 

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name], and I need you to send me the normal email so I can upload everything. “

Receptionist: “Oh, okay. What is your email?”

Me: “Tax@[website].”

Receptionist: “Pat?”

Me: “Tax.”

Receptionist: “Fax?”

Me: “T like ‘Tom,’ A like ‘Apple’…”

Receptionist: “TomApple@[Web—]”

Me: “No, tax, like you guys do taxes.”

Receptionist: “This doesn’t make any sense. Let me transfer you to IT.”

Me: “…”

IT: “Hello, this is IT. How can I help?”

Me: “Hi, I need the email so I can upload my tax documents?”

IT: “Why did [Receptionist] send you to me?”

Me: “She didn’t understand my email?”

IT: “What is your email?”

Me: “Tax@[website].”

IT: “Cool. I will get that right over to you.”

Email Fail, Part 36
Email Fail, Part 35
Email Fail, Part 34
Email Fail, Part 33
Email Fail, Part 32

Does Your Mom Run The Business?

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2022

After designing a new brand identity, website, and business cards for a local motel, they waited until the site, business cards, and uniforms were ordered to “change their mind.”

Me: “That was why we went through that lengthy process of developing the logo: to build the rest of your items around it.”

Client: “Yeah, but my mom doesn’t like it. She says she can’t understand what it says. I need a new logo within the next couple of days. We’re way behind now.”

Me: “I don’t understand. The type is very clear. What is she having a hard time understanding?”

Client: “Well, it’s in German. She doesn’t speak German.”

Me: “Sir, I had nothing to do with the naming of your business. You’re the one that picked that name. How does your mother not speaking German relate to me?”

Client: “It doesn’t, I guess.”