‘Til Death Do Us Part, Unless I Have Cell Service

, , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2020

I’m on an overnight trip with minimal phone usage allowed. I’m desperately missing my girlfriend, so I find somewhere quiet and give her a call, even though it’s nighttime and I very rarely call people. The conversation greatly helps to soothe my loneliness and homesickness, and the call comes up in a later conversation.

Girlfriend: “I saw your number pop up on my phone and I kid you not, my first thought was, ‘Oh, crap, she’s dead.'”

Me: “How would I have called you if I was dead?”

Girlfriend: “I’m sure you would’ve found a way.”

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Getting His Insecure Panties In A Twist, Part 2

, , | Right | September 24, 2020

At our fast food place, if you wear something cow-related on national cow day, you get a free sandwich.

I am a seventeen-year-old girl, and still fairly new to this job but I am pretty good at the register so I am often allowed to work alone. A middle-aged man comes up.

Customer: *Mumbles something under his breath*

Me: “Sorry, sir, I didn’t catch that. Can you please repeat it?”

Customer: *Mumbles again.*

I have to keep asking him to repeat it because I have no clue what he’s saying. Eventually:

Me: “I need to get my manager.”

When I come back with my manager, I asked what he said again and it was as if the whole freaking restaurant fell silent just for this guy, as clear as day, to say:

Customer: “I have cow panties on and I would like my free sandwich. Do I have to show you?”

I swear to god nobody moved.

Manager: *Politely* “Cow day is not this week, it’s next week.”

I have to go to the back so I wouldn’t start cry laughing in this guy’s face and while I was gone, he got flustered and then started claiming he was just joking. A new worker took over his order because I was in the back, but he also called me a lesbian for not completing his order.

I got a crazy funny story out of it though so it’s all good.

Related:
Getting His Insecure Panties In A Twist

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A Whisker Away From Insanity, Part 2

, , , , , | Related | September 22, 2020

When I am ten years old, I beg my mom for a cat and she finally relents. We bring home the cutest but fiercest black and white girl. Ten years later, my live-in boyfriend at the time and I are driving her back from visiting my parents for the holidays and she is meowing the entire way with me answering her with small reassurances. He is so amused by me having a conversation with a cat, commenting on how she doesn’t understand me anyway.

A few years after that, she passes. There are many tears from both of us, but we eventually move on, and he gets me another cat who turns out to be an absolute daddy’s girl, while he gets himself a male cat.

I am walking by his office when I hear the following conversation with “the other woman” in his life.

Cat: “Meow.”

Fiance: “Yeah, well, she told you not to do that.”

Cat: “Meoooow.”

Fiance: “Fine, I’ll talk to her about feeding you on time. I have to go get something. You aren’t going to steal my chair, are you?”

Cat: “Mew?”

Fiance: “I am going to have to pick you up if you do.”

Cat: *Indignantly* “Meow!”

Fiance: “Okay. I will be right back.”

I walked away laughing hysterically before he could see me.

Related:
A Whisker Away From Insanity

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No One Will Ever Believe You

, , , , | Romantic | September 18, 2020

My boyfriend and I are chatting online about how people have a hard time telling some people apart. Being Korean, I admit to having had trouble telling some Hollywood actors apart at first.

Me: “Like, Tom Hanks and… that guy in Ghostbusters.”

Boyfriend: “Bill Murray?”

Me:Yeah! That’s him!”

Boyfriend: “Really? Bill Murray and Tom Hanks?”

Me: “Yeah. They look really similar to me.”

Boyfriend: “They do?”

Me: “Yeah! To me, anyway.”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t see it.”

Me: “They’re so similar looking!”

I start searching up photos of the two actors to show in comparison, and on a whim, I search, “Tom Hanks Bill Murray look alike,” instead of searching for them separately. I find a bunch of composite pictures comparing the two actors already made by others and start sending them to him.

Me: “See? I’m not the only one who thinks they look similar!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t see it… and who’s that old guy that keeps popping up, anyway? The one in the middle with the kid.”

Me: “That’s Bill Murray! I think?”

I follow one of the pictures to an article detailing how a fan photo with Bill Murray sparked a discussion on whether it was Bill Murray or Tom Hanks on a Facebook community, and I send the article to my husband.

Me: “It is Bill Murray! See? I told you they look similar. I’m not the only one who thinks so… Wait. You couldn’t tell it was Bill Murray? No wonder you don’t think Tom Hanks looks like Bill Murray! You don’t even think Bill Murray looks like Bill Murray!”

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That’s Mister Doctor Professor [Last Name] To You!

, , , , | Learning | September 15, 2020

I’m attending my first ever class on my first ever day of university, an 8:00 am general chemistry class. My professor makes some things very clear very quickly.

Professor: “My office is in [Building], but be careful asking for me by name! There’s another Doctor [His Last Name], and, naturally, his office is also in [Building]. He’s on the third floor with all the other biologists and I’m on the fourth with the other chemists. Remember, my first name is [First Name] and his is not. I repeat, my name is [First Name] and his is not, so just call me Doctor [First Name], instead.”

After this, he pauses before adding:

Professor: “One of us is good and one of us is evil, but I’ll let you figure out which of us is which on your own.”

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