Stephen King’s New Cosmetic Line

, , , , | Related | March 28, 2020

(I like to do different greetings with my nana when we talk on the phone. Here’s one I just did:)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, I work for a shady makeup company. Which lipstick would you prefer: fire-engine red, petal pink, or alabaster white?”

Nana: “Oh… petal pink.”

Me: “Which perfume would smell better: dog doo or skunk butt?”

Nana: “Neither one of them! Although dog doo doesn’t make your nose burn.”

Me: “Which eyeshadow would look better: corpse yellow or frozen-to-death blue?”

Nana: “You’re morbid.”

Twinsies! Sort Of. Not Really.

, , , , | Learning | March 28, 2020

(I am a third grade teacher. I have two students who are best friends who look very different from each other. Though they are the same height, [Student #1] has long, light brown hair that she always wears down and she usually wears shorts or jeans and a T-shirt. Her best friend, [Student #2], is skinnier, has shorter, blonde hair that she usually wears in pigtails, has huge pink glasses, and usually wears a blouse, skirt, and knee-length socks. One morning, the girls show up to school very excitedly.)

Student #1: “Notice anything different?”

Me: “I… can’t say I do.” 

Student #2: “Really? Nothing else? We’re dressed like each other!”

Me: “Really…”

Student #1: “Well, okay. We aren’t dressed exactly like each other. We had a sleepover last night, and we decided to pretend to be each other, but she didn’t have any skirts or… those long leg thingies.”

Student #2: “Socks?”

Student #1: “Yeah. She didn’t have any in my size.”

Student #2: “I actually did, but the socks had holes.”

Student #1: “And then we tried to put her hair up but it didn’t want to do that. And I tried to wear my hair like her, but it was uncomfortable, so I wore a ponytail, instead.”

(I didn’t really notice it until then.)

Student #2: “And then I couldn’t give her my glasses, because then I wouldn’t be able to see anything. And she gave me her shirt.”

Me: “So, the only things that changed were that you’re wearing her shirt and changed your hair.”

Student #3: “Hey, [Student #1]… Woah! You look just like her, [Student #2]. Except for the glasses. And she would never wear a ponytail.”

Student #2: “See, Mr. [My Name]! We look exactly the same.” 

(The girls went and sat down next to each other, and for the rest of the day all of the other kids in the class kept gushing about how much [Student #2] looked like [Student #1], even though the only thing that changed was the hair and a shirt.)

Glad We Straightened That Out

, , , , , , , | Related | March 26, 2020

(This happens the afternoon after my school’s annual career day. It’s important to note that I am very much NOT straight and my parents are fully aware of this.)

Me: *talking to my dad* “Oh, yeah, we had career day today.”

Dad: *only half paying attention* “Huh? Queer day?”

Me: “No, career day, Dad. You should know that every day is queer day for me.”

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The Squeaky Needle Gets The Sweets

, , , , , | Healthy | March 25, 2020

(My immunization records for college are incomplete, so I need to get a couple of shots. I hate needles, but I can distract myself from the pain by chatting with the nurse. However, some shots are just more painful than others, and for this particular one I swear and go pale.)

Nurse: “All right, you’re all set! Are you feeling okay?”

Me: *sigh* “Yeah, I’m fine.”

(I pause.)

Me: “I mean…” *fake childish voice* “Wah! It hurts! I want a lolly!”

(I laugh. The nurse arches a brow.)

Nurse: “Do you actually want a lollipop? We’ve got some.”

Me: “What?! YES!”

(The nurse left and came back a minute later with a small bucket of lollipops. I picked a blue raspberry pop and proceeded to text several friends to brag about it.)

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What Love-ly Service!

, , , , , | Working | March 23, 2020

(I am calling the bank to confirm some details. I have an effeminate voice, despite my gender, and someone with a masculine voice answers.)

Bank Company Representative: “[Bank] Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Me: “I need to ask some questions about a charge to my account.”

Bank Company Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”

(He confirms my account and identity details, and we go through the details I need to know. We prepare to wrap up the call.) 

Me: “Thanks for explaining that to me; you’ve been great.”

Bank Company Representative: “Is there any other way I can help you today?”

Me: “Nah, that’s all. Have a great day. Bye!”

Bank Company Representative: *got distracted* “Oh, uh, I love you.” 

(There was a gasp of horror and the representative hung up quickly. I couldn’t help but laugh, since I guess I sounded like his girlfriend. My wife also thought it was hilarious. I gave him a good rating when I got the survey questionnaire. He was a good employee, after all.)

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