(We let customers use hand scanners for their shopping. You just grab a hand scanner at the entrance, scan the barcodes while you are shopping, and at the checkout you just have to swipe a store card and pay your bill. To prevent theft, the system randomly assigns some customers to the purchase check, where the store employee will scan ten random items in the basket. If something goes wrong, they have to scan all your items. This has happened to me twice.)

Check-Out Machine: “Purchase check; please wait until an employee comes over.”

(The employee starts scanning items, and the very first thing — a grocery bag — does not scan. I know it’s a problem with their scanner, because this has happened before.)

Employee: “Please come over.”

Me: *grins and goes over to the till with my 100+ items* “I hope you realise I did not come here to steal grocery bags?”

Employee: “Yeah, I know, but the system is set up that way.”

Me: “It’s not a problem; it’s just funny.”

Employee: “Everything checks out. Thank you and goodbye.”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

(The store gives a small candy bar to everyone who has to go through the purchase check. And it’s still lot faster than waiting in line for a human cashier.)

(I used to work at a historic museum giving tours of the dungeon. I left to pursue a full-time job in my home state, but a few months ago I returned to the city to visit friends and had this conversation with a former coworker. It should also be noted that I tend to have very low self-esteem and have terrible luck in the dating department.)

Coworker: “Oh, by the way, we were going through the comment cards on the dungeon tours, and apparently, a lot of people liked you!”

Me: “Oh, good! I really enjoyed giving the tours.”

Coworker: “Yeah, apparently, you got a bunch of phone numbers, too.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I guess a lot of people thought you were cute and wanted to give you their number.”

Me: “Did you save the comment cards?”

Coworker: “No, [Boss] threw them away.”

Me: “[Coworker]! This could have been my only chance at true love! My soulmate could have been in those cards, and you threw them away!“

Coworker: “Hey, don’t blame me! It was [Boss]!”

(The boss’s wife, who lives above the museum, comes in with their toddler.)

Boss’s Wife: “Hey, [My Name]! Long time no see!”

Me: “YOUR HUSBAND IS STANDING IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOOOOOVE!”

Boss’s Wife: “We missed you, too.”

There’s an animal shelter we used to frequent a few blocks away from my house. The place had a prominent blackboard in the entrance announcing any upcoming events that might interest people, like adoption days or charity drives.

One day, however, when I arrived, I advised one of the employees to do something about the new announcement. It read, in big letters, “Adoption Saturday,” but underneath that, someone had written, in smaller letters, “Yummy meat pies on Sunday!”

(I work at the customer service desk of a popular home improvement store. A married couple comes up to the desk with a box of blinds to return.)

Me: “So, did you have any problems or concerns with the blinds?”

Husband: “No, we decided to sell our house.”

Me: “Wait, the blinds didn’t work for you, so you decided to sell your house?”

(They realized how odd that sounded, and we had a good laugh about it.)

(I have a male customer, probably in his early 30s, buying a few items. As I’m ringing them up, he’s watching his subtotal.)

Subtotal: “$4.20.”

Customer: *giggles*

Subtotal: “$5.20.”

Customer: “Aw.”