My Printer Is Definitely On The Dark Side

, , , , , , | Working | February 10, 2021

I am in the waiting area of a small office. The office manager is changing the toner in the copier.

Office Manager: “We meet again, copier. Now, having changed your toner multiple times, I have become the master. Do not try to resist me. Feel the power of the printing-things-correctly side.”

I am trying desperately not to laugh, but as she closes the toner niche, I call out.

Me: “Use the Force; trust your feelings!”

Without even turning around, she makes the Jedi mind-trick gesture at the copier as she hits restart. As it buzzes back to life, she grins at me.

Office Manager: “I used to threaten it, but apparently, it speaks Jedi!”

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The Water’s Free And Somewhat Lucrative

, , , , , | Working | February 9, 2021

My boss is really cute and funny. Every so often, she gives us a little friendly competition to boost sales and morale at the same time. For instance, she’ll promise you a free lunch, dessert and all, if you make so many sales in one shift, or a small cash prize if you sell so many loaves of bread by the end of the month.

I have a tendency to repeat myself an awful lot. Being a cashier, that’s all part of the job. But one day, during a quick break, my boss mentions just how often I repeat certain phrases a day.

In this case, I tell customers who ask for water to drink, “Water’s free!”

Boss: “How many times do you think you say that in your whole shift? Go ahead, guess!”

Me: “Oh, I dunno… Thirty or so?”

Boss: *Teasingly* “Okay, thirty. Listen, I’ll make you a little bet. If you can say, ‘Water’s free,’ sixty times tomorrow, I’ll give you ten dollars!”

So, the very next day, when my shift begins, I get a little slip of paper, keep a pen close by, and tally the number of times I say that phrase.

Luckily for me, we have a HUGE turnout, with Thanksgiving just around the corner and people placing orders for our pies, breads, and cheesecakes like crazy. And, of course, there are the standard “take your friends/family out for breakfast/lunch” customers, as well.

At least half of them ask for water, and I’ll confess I milk it a little, but I make sure to mark down every single time I say those words out loud. After all, there is no rule that I can only say, “Free water,” once to a customer, or to only one customer in a large group!

The end result? Sixty-nine!

At the end of my shift, I present my special paper to my boss. She is a bit surprised at first, and then she bursts out laughing.

Boss: “Wow, I didn’t expect you to take this bet seriously! But a deal’s a deal.” 

And she handed the ten dollars right over!

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We Get The Feeling He Knows Where He Stands

, , , , , | Romantic | February 4, 2021

Me: *In an increasingly silly voice* “I love you! I love you! I looove yooouu!”

Husband: *From the other room* “I love you, too!”

Me: *Quietly, to the dog* “Shoot. Should we tell him I was talking to you? No, right?”

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Those Meds Will Turn You Into A Real Joker

, , , , , | Romantic | February 2, 2021

Due to stupidity on my part, I’m having to deal with intense pain in my jaw from a cracked tooth which is preventing me from sleeping. As there are weeks before my emergency appointment to resolve the tooth, I go to the doctor to get some help. She prescribes an antipsychotic, with strict instructions of when I should take them — never at any other time — as well as a warning that they may affect my mental stability due to the fact I am not dealing with any mental health issues, especially on the first night of taking them.

I relay this to my partner. I take the medication, as per instructions, just before bed, and we’re quietly cuddling… until I burst into tears.

Partner: “What?”

Me: “I’m really sorry.”

Partner: “For what?”

Me: *Extremely distressed* “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry!”

My partner sits up, really concerned.

Partner: “What’s happened?”

Me: “Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me! But you have to know!”

Partner: “I won’t! What is it? What do I have to know?”

Me: “Batman isn’t real! I’m so, so sorry.”

Partner: *Long pause* “Are you serious right now?”

Me: “Yes. Yes. Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t hate me!”

Partner: *Another long pause* “Oh.”

Me: “You’re shaking! Are you crying? Don’t hate me, don’t hate me!”

He’s trying desperately to not laugh.

Partner: “It’s okay, it’s all okay. I don’t hate you! I’m not crying! I love you. Very much. I just think we need to sleep on that… revelation… Okay?”

I eventually settle down and fall soundly asleep. I wake up around eleven the next morning, and I sort of start remembering everything that happened the night before. I’m not sure if it was a dream. I feel my partner move beside me.

Me: *Whispering* “Are you awake?”

Partner: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay. Last night… Don’t laugh. Did I tell you Batman wasn’t real?”

He bursts into laughter.

Me: “I said don’t laugh! I don’t know if I dreamt it or not!”

Partner: “Yes! Yes, you did! You were so serious, too! It was like this big secret everyone had apparently kept from me! It was so real for you right then! Oh, God! I’m glad you took those drugs on a Friday! Can you imagine if I’d had work today? But it was so funny!”

Me: *Laughing* “It’s not funny! I was actually distressed!”

Partner: “I know! I know you were! I could tell. I didn’t laugh at the time! I almost did, but I managed to hold it in. You thought I was crying! I bloody deserve an award for not laughing! I’m glad you’re no longer feeling the effects, though.”

I’d like to report that I didn’t have the same effects the night after… that I know of.

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I Prefer Dean, Personally

, , , , , | Romantic | January 27, 2021

I live with my boyfriend. I also talk in my sleep. One night, I dream that I am making love to my TV crush, and I must be extra talky that night. When I wake up, I realize I am still purring and reaching out for him. My boyfriend is sitting up in bed, sulking.

Boyfriend: “Who’s Sam?”

Me: *Pauses* “Sam Winchester.”

He got annoyed with me and tried to make me jealous by talking about Amy Lee from Evanescence. I just laughed at his jealousy, and he got more annoyed with me, and now the subject of Sam Winchester is forever banned.

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