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It’s Important To Know Your Own Worth

, , , , , | Friendly | January 14, 2022

Two friends and I are driving down a scenic road on the river. This area is known for big mansions, and most of the residents make at least half a million dollars a year. We drive past and wax poetic about if we had the money to afford any of them. We pass by a home under construction with two massive staircases and huge bay windows with balconies. I raise my hand out the window.

Me: “I am open for a sugar daddy! I’ll even do weird stuff!”

My friends both burst into laughter.

Friend: “That’s going on your tombstone.”

The Squeaky Wheel May Get The Grease, But…

, , , , , , | Working | January 11, 2022

This happens in my work chat group.

Boss: “I’m naming [My Name] employee of the month.”

Coworker: “Why?! He was on leave the whole month!”

Boss: “Exactly! He’s caused me the least amount of trouble this month!”

Yeah, THAT Was The Unrealistic Part

, , , | Right | January 11, 2022

Client: “We would like a drawing of a moose on skis.”

I send the art.

Client: “Why there were two feet on each ski?”

Me: “People ski on two skis and a moose has four feet so I put two on each ski.”

Client: “That is ridiculous!”

Me: “Which part? You’ll have to be more specific?”

Client: “Well, I’m pretty sure they don’t make skis that can accommodate two feet each!”

Me: “Right. That was a pretty big leap on my part, sorry.”

Give Flowers To Your Coworkers Or You’re A Bully… We Guess

, , , , , | Working | January 4, 2022

My company does an awards-ceremony-type appreciation “event”, like a morale booster. Every quarter, they put out a bottle of (non-alcoholic) drink and some snacks and give out “funny” awards.

The trick to get out of it is to take a sneak peek at the human resources manager’s wall diary a few weeks before and schedule a customer visit. No matter how many times they reschedule it, I can still avoid it. (They haven’t figured it out yet!)

My coworker and I are outside on break, as are many others.

Coworker: “Hey, you missed the awards yesterday.”

Me: “I know, but you know, the customers come first, and they asked to see me. So what could I do?”

Coworker: “Oh, such bad luck. You won an award, by the way.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “Great. Cash prize, was it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I told them you would rather take the flowers.”

Like every other “prize” they give out.

Me: “Oh, you know me so well.”

Coworker: “I stuck them in water. You want them?”

Me: “Well, I could neglect them until they turn into potpourri. Or you can have them?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I already gave them to my wife. Thanks, by the way.”

Me: “Nothing says, ‘I love you,’ like a gift of flowers that you didn’t pay for.”

Coworker: *Joking* “Could you win another award in a few weeks? It’s her birthday.”

Me: “Such an old romantic. I—”

Before I can continue, I see [Coworker #2] rush in and toward the HR office. He is the same person who complained about me eating “foreign food” because it smelt too much (it was noodle soup) and that a charity collection shouldn’t be allowed because it wasn’t the corporate chosen one (it was for a coworker’s wife).

Me: “[Coworker #2] Cry Baby is causing issues again. If they ask you, tell them I told you to look after the flowers and we didn’t have this conversation.”

Coworker: “Come on. He isn’t going to complain about… Actually, yes, he probably is.”

And yes, we were pulled into HR with accusations of theft and bullying behaviour — also a new one: apparently using “triggering language” on purpose in front of [Coworker #2]. We denied everything, acted dumb, and stuck to our story. With absolutely no evidence, it went no further. 

Eventually, complaining about everything and everyone caught up to him. We got bought out and everyone had to reapply for their jobs; [Coworker #2] was the only one that wasn’t re-hired.

Neck And Neck With A Llama

, , , | Romantic | January 4, 2022

I just read this story and decided to ask my husband a similar question. 

Me: “Would you trade me for a pet giraffe?”

Husband: “Sounds like a lot of work.”

Me: “So, you’re just keeping me because I’m low-maintenance?”

Husband: “Of course not! I just don’t have space for a giraffe. I would need to get bigger land.”

Me: “Llama?”

Husband: “Do you want a pet llama, [One-Year-Old Son]?”

Son: “Eeh!”

Husband: “Yes. I’ll trade you for a llama.”

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Neck And Neck