A few years ago, we had a new developer who had been with us for a few months and frequently joked about how he was “too cheap” to do things. During one of our standups (brief daily status meetings), the subject of Halloween came up.

New Guy: “So, are we all going to dress up for Halloween?”

Manager: “No.”

New Guy: “Aww, you’re no fun.”

Manager: “Let me rephrase. I have no intent to dress up. If you want to look ridiculous, you’re welcome to come in whatever costume you want.”

New Guy: “I’d totally do that if I wasn’t too cheap to buy a costume.”

Manager: “Really? You make it sound like we don’t pay you anything.”

New Guy: “Hey, if costumes are so cheap, you’re welcome to buy me one.”

Coworker: “You know what? If you promise to actually wear whatever I get you, I’d be more than happy to find a costume for you.”

New Guy: “You know what? Sure. I have no pride, so bring it on. Let’s see what terrible costume you can find for me to wear.”

We took him up on it, and he actually got not one but two different costumes brought in by different coworkers. One was a dress worn by one of the characters from Frozen. The other was a sexy maid outfit, with an emphasis on sexy — even by our work’s non-existent dress code, it was rather questionable whether he could have gotten away with showing up at work dressed in that thing.

He wasn’t daunted, and on Halloween, he showed up wearing both costumes, with the majority of the maid outfit put on over top of the dress.

Me: “You look ridiculous. I can’t believe you actually wore them.”

New Guy: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll have you know I feel pretty and witty and gay!”

We spent the next year joking about what terrible outfit we could force him to wear the subsequent Halloween, but sadly, that’s when the global health crisis hit, and none of us was working in person for Halloween. [New Guy] did post a photo of himself in the princess dress on our work chatroom to cheer us up a little that Halloween, though he claimed to have “mysteriously” lost the sexy maid outfit.

I am talking with the married coworkers from this story.

Wife: “If I don’t stop him, he wears clothes with holes in. He’s terrible.”

[Husband] mutters.

Me: “I’ve noticed that my socks don’t wear out evenly, surprisingly, so if I put two pairs on, the holes don’t line up and they’re still wearable.”

[Husband] starts listening with interest.

Wife: “DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS!”

Related:
Married To A Yes-Man

When we were first married, my husband worked the night shift, so he would get home while I was asleep. One night, I happened to be dreaming as he climbed into bed. For some reason, I dreamed that he was rubbing melted ice cream and dryer lint on his face.

From my perspective, I was watching him do something very strange and told him to clean his face.

From his perspective, he climbed into bed after a long shift at work, next to his loving wife, who sleepily turned to him and said:

Me: “I hate your face. It’s covered in garbage.”

While I’m staying with my uncle and his family for a few days, the house phone rings and he asks me to answer it because I’m closest.

Telemarketer: “Hello, can I please speak to Mr. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “You said that — which one? The son or the father?”

Telemarketer: “I don’t have time for this. The adult Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name]! The owner of this address.”

Me: “Yeah, but they’re married; they’re both Mr. [Last Name].”

Telemarketer: “Just give me the homeowner!”

Me: “Oh, in that case, no one; we’re renting.”

Telemarketer: *Click*

Cousin: “Wait, Dad didn’t take Pop’s last name.”

Me: “Huh, you’re right. I guess Uncle Glenn is the only Mr. [Last Name] here after all.”

My first official job was at a grocery store, bagging groceries. I worked the job for about a year and a half, and after that amount of time, you get really good at bagging groceries and you never forget how, kind of like riding a bike.

Fast forward twenty-five years. I’m at the local grocery store I usually visit. This grocery store chain is one where you bag your own groceries. I’m very particular with how I place my items on the belt for the cashier to ring things up; this way, the items come down the next belt so I can easily bag my groceries.

I finish unloading my groceries on the first belt, and the cashier has been ringing things up at the same time, so there’s a small pile of groceries (cans, boxed goods, and such) building up at the end of the other belt.

I make my way to the end so I can start bagging groceries. Across from me is the previous customer. She’s still slowly working on bagging up her groceries and standing next to her is her daughter who looks to be about five or six years old.

I line up a couple of empty paper bags and open up the plastic bag next to me for frozen items that will be coming down the belt soon. I start grabbing cans and boxes and whipping them into the bag with my right hand and catching them with my left and stacking.

After about ten seconds, I’ve got my first bag filled and moved into my cart, so I start on the second bag.

Small Girl: “Wow! Mom, look at him go! You should race him.”

Her mom laughs.

Mom: “I don’t think I’d do very well against him; he’s pretty fast at it.”

I look up from what I am doing and give the girl a smile.

Me: “I don’t think it would be fair. I worked bagging groceries for my first job, and I got really good at it.”

Small Girl: “I guess. But you’re so much faster than Mom. She’s slow with bagging. Can you bag our stuff when you’re done with yours?”

Mom: *Speaking to her daughter* “Slow and steady works for me, and we’re almost done. He’s got his own groceries to bag and doesn’t need us getting in his way to slow him down.”

Small Girl: “But, he’s almost done bagging and he has more groceries than us!”

I finish up bagging my groceries, pay, and wave to the small girl as I’m leaving. The mom and her kid are putting the last few items in their cart as I walk by. As I’m walking away, I hear the small girl talking to her mom.

Small Girl: “He beat you and you even started first! You need to get a job bagging groceries!”