I was getting ingredients out of the fridge and my husband wanted something from the cabinet next to it. He started going, “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” like a reversing truck as he approached behind me, letting me know he was there. He stopped beeping and I had what I needed from the fridge, so I pivoted to get out of the way and close the door. I slammed right into him.

After I finally stopped laughing:

Me: “I thought you were gone! You stopped beeping!”

Husband: “I stopped beeping because I shifted into park!”

My family is Canadian, but my brother moved to the States for work and has an American girlfriend. Everyone in the family likes her very much, but she sometimes gives the impression that she’s worried about fitting in and getting along with us.

It’s a couple of days after the 2021 Canadian federal election. I’m on a video call with my brother, and I tell him a joke. His girlfriend hears him laughing and comes in.

Girlfriend: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Oh, just a stupid joke about the election.”

Girlfriend: “Oh? Can I hear it?”

Brother: “It’s, uh, very Canadian. I don’t know if you’d think it was funny.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, come on. I wanna hear it! I bet it’s great!”

Me: “Um, okay. What’s the difference between [Politician] and a toilet?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know.”

Me: “A toilet has a seat.”

Girlfriend: “I… Oh. Um.”

Me: “Because, uh, [Politician] is a real scumbag and he’s a party leader, but he didn’t get elected in his riding, so he doesn’t have a seat in the House of Commons.”

[Girlfriend] is wearing the expression of someone desperately pretending that she both understands and cares.

Me: “Anyway, it’s a very silly joke. How are you, [Girlfriend]?”

I hope my brother later told her she doesn’t have to pretend to care about Canadian politics to impress anyone, since if she’s not interested, I can’t think of a bigger waste of her time.

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 12
O, Canaduh, Part 11
O, Canaduh, Part 10
O, Canaduh, Part 9
O, Canaduh, Part 8

I work in a small engineering office for a manufacturing company. I’ve been on the shop floor and am entering the office through the door, which I open (I thought) as normal. Apparently not.

Admin Assistant: “Don’t open the door so violently! You’re getting as bad as [Coworker #1].”

Me: “Was I? My apologies. I shall endeavour to open it in a calmer manner so I don’t become unhinged.”

As I go to sit down, I’m waiting for some comment, but there is nothing.

Me: “What, no reaction?”

Admin Assistant: “Nope!”

Coworker #2: “Well, I just silently shook my head.”

Me: “Oh, well.”

Just then, the door is flung open. [Coworker #1] enters and makes his way to his desk.

Me: *To [Coworker #1]* “Apparently, I open the door too violently.”

Coworker #1: “Who said that?”

Admin Assistant: “I did! You know I’m always telling you not to open the door so wildly; [My Name] is doing it just as badly.”

Me: “And she never even reacted to my pun!”

Coworker #1: “What pun was that?”

Me: “I said I would try to open it more calmly so I don’t become unhinged. Not even a groan! Maybe she likes my puns now. Maybe she… a doors them.”

Just then, from the other side of the office, comes a strangled noise.

Admin Assistant: “Urgh!”

I stick my arm in the air triumphantly.

Me: “There it is!”

Many years ago, when I am still in my single digits, I get a small RC helicopter for Christmas from Santa Claus. Unbeknownst to me, my dad bought it mostly for himself; he just slapped my name on it to avoid my mom’s disapproval.

On his first day back to work after his Christmas vacation time, he brings the mini copter with him. My dad works in an office with cubicles so there’s plenty of open air for him to mess with, and he and his coworkers are having a blast with the thing, when, suddenly…

Boss: “WHOSE TOY IS THAT?”

Dad: “Uh, mine?”

My dad has been sitting down the entire time so he didn’t notice when his boss walked in, and [Boss] couldn’t see who had the remote.

Boss: “[DAD], IS THAT YOU?”

Dad: “Yes, sir!”

Boss: “CAN I PLAY WITH IT? PLEASE?”

Needless to say, not much work got done that day! And my dad’s boss kindly asked him to never bring the copter in again.

I help an elderly lady at the grocery store grab something from the top shelf. After she goes on her merry way, I turn around and see a woman just glaring at me.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, you can! I’m looking for whole milk chocolate milk, but all you have is 2% chocolate milk! Why don’t you have whole milk chocolate milk?”

Me: “I’m not sure why they don’t have whole chocolate milk, but an alternative is buying regular whole milk and some chocolate syrup.”

Woman: “You expect me to pay more for your failure to stock whole chocolate milk?! You are trying to rip me off! Where is your manager?!”

Me: “I don’t work here, but even if I did, how would this issue be at all my fault?”

Woman: “If you don’t work here, then why were you helping that woman just now?”

Me: “Because I was just being helpful.”

Woman: “Bulls***. You work here and you are trying to rip me off!”

So, at this point, logic isn’t working.

Me: “Look, if it wasn’t for the secret elves that live inside my spleen, I’d gladly help you find your milk, but sadly, they don’t take days off and I really don’t want another egg soup incident again. So, if you will excuse me, I have a plane to catch.”

I spread my arms, turned around, and made airplane noises as I quickly walked away. She was left there speechless.