He Should Just Put A Plug In It

, , , | Right | February 17, 2020

(I’m in line at the local supermarket. The cashier is rather new and a bit slow sometimes, so people often lose their patience with him, but he is very nice, often making a bit of small talk with his customers, and I don’t mind waiting a bit longer when I’m in his line. Finally, it’s my turn. As I begin loading the already scanned items in my bag, he suddenly speaks up.)

Cashier: “I’ve never tried these. Are they any good?”

(I stop dead in my tracks, just looking at him for a few seconds. He has a pack of tampons in his hands and looks up at me expectantly. I have no idea what to say or if he’s even talking about what I think he’s talking about because… what?)

Me: “Sorry?”

Cashier: *gestures to the bottle of flavoured water I am just about to put in my bag* “Are they good?”

Me: “Oh! Yes, it’s delicious.”

(The rest of the transaction was spent in awkward silence. Not the best timing, dude.)

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Your Fortune: Humiliation

, , , , , , | Right | February 15, 2020

My husband and I were walking down the Las Vegas Strip. We were coming back from a show that was much farther from our hotel than we’d expected, so my feet were killing me and I was completely exhausted. I was just concentrating on putting one blistered foot in front of the other and getting back to the hotel so I could collapse.

The Vegas Strip is home to all sorts of fun and strange discoveries, and outside a shop, we spotted a Zoltar fortune-telling machine that looked like it had come straight out of the movie Big. We stopped to admire it for a moment, and I stepped forward to get a closer look.

The machine suddenly burst into life, moving dramatically and speaking loudly. I emitted some sort of strangled scream, jumped about a foot, and, in my exhausted and startled state, implored the machine, “PLEASE DON’T!”

My husband about fell over laughing at my reaction. When he had almost regained his composure, he noticed a pair of strangers that had passed us. The strangers were also laughing their heads off at me, which my husband was kind enough to point out to me.

Now that I’m far, far away from that stupid machine, I can laugh about the incident, too. And “Please don’t!” has become our reaction any time an object behaves in an unexpected way.

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Now We’re In Business-ish!

, , , | Learning | February 14, 2020

(I work in a daycare centre where children from the ages of 4 to 12 are taken care of after school if their parents still have to work. Since they’re children, and we have a wonderful outside area for them to play in, and because most of them have a high daily need for cuddles, I usually wear ragged old jeans and some sweatshirt that has lost all shape and colour. I know that by the end of the day my clothes will have stains of apple syrup, mud, snot, blood, and grass on them. I love my job but I never look good doing it! Today is a holiday and only three children will attend: three clean and well-behaved boys of about nine years old. Because of this, I decide to go to work looking nice for a change: well-fitting jeans, a blouse, and some earrings, I don’t even braid my hair; I just let it hang loose. The boys immediately notice.)

Boy #1: “Hmm. Something’s different about you today.”

Boy #2: “You don’t look anything like usual! You look all… all…”

(They start walking around me and inspecting me like I’m on display.)

Boy #3: “Got it! Business-ish. You look business-ish.”

Boys #1 & #2: “That’s it! She looks all business-ish today!”

(I almost died of laughter. They liked the ragged version of me better.)

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Moaning Myrtle Goes Shopping

, , , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(In our fitting room, we always ask for names. My current customer is an average-looking woman in her late fifties.)

Me: “And can I get your name, please?”

Customer: “Today?”

Me: *a little surprised* “Um, yes?”

Customer: “Oh, let’s see… I guess Myrtle.”

(I write the name down and the customer starts giggling.)

Customer: “That’s my shopping name!”

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Just Wait Until They Start Playing “Monopoly”

, , , , , , | Learning | February 14, 2020

(I teach English to Chinese students online. The company I teach for uses a computer program with cute characters and games. In this particular lesson, I’m teaching the students how to haggle and bargain in English. One scenario has a character haggling for toys. The toys are around the $20 range.)

Me: “Okay, so, [Character] wants the toy train, but it’s too expensive. What should he say to lower the price?”

Student #1: “How about one dollar?”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, he can try that. Not sure if he’ll be successful.”

(I turn to another student)

Me: “Okay, [Student #2], now [Character] wants the toy plane. What should he say?”

Student #2: “How about zero dollars?”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, you’re right, but again, I don’t know if he’ll accept that.”

(The other students followed suit and most of the other “offers” through the rest of the lesson were either free or a few cents. While I’m glad that they understood the lesson and I got a laugh out of it, I hope they don’t try that in the real world. They’ll be completely disappointed if they do.)

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