Just Round Up Or Down

, , , , , , | Learning | January 4, 2018

(I’m in algebra class and we’re learning a rather difficult topic.)

Girl Across the Classroom: “Man, you either get this, or you don’t, and I’m in the middle.”

Me: *facepalms as I realize the impossibility of this statement*

Unable To Flush That Imagery From Your Mind

, , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2017

(I am waiting for a table outside of a popular restaurant with my friends. A couple in their early 20s comes up and signs the register to queue for a table as well. While they’re waiting, they start talking together about various things. Most of the conversation is pretty normal and boring, until…)

Woman: “I just hate public toilets.”

Man: “Oh, I know. There’s just always some slob who hasn’t cleaned up after themselves.”

Woman: “Uh. No. I meant the seats.”

Man: “What? Like that thing about women not sitting and they pee everywhere?”

Woman: “No! Someone is always closing the toilet seats!”

Man: “What?”

Woman: “You know how there’s a lid? Someone always closes it, and then I have to open it and touch the filthy lid. And it’s just. Ugh.”

Man: “Oh.”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Man: “But you’re supposed to close it so the bacteria doesn’t spray everywhere when you flush. My mum used to chew me out about that every time I didn’t.”

Woman: “Well, at home, sure. That’s your own toilet. In public toilets, I just don’t flush.”

Man: “Oh, my God! You’re one of those?”

Woman: *offended* “What?!”

Man: *laughing* “You’re one of the people that I was talking about, who doesn’t flush after they leave a brick in the bowl. F***, you’re nasty!”

Woman: “You’re disgusting!”

Man: “Says the person who doesn’t flush, and probably doesn’t wash her hands after, either!”

It’s Cupcakes, So It’s Worth It

, , , , , | Friendly | December 14, 2017

(It is a hot summer’s day, and my partner and I decide to spend the day at a popular lakefront beach. After swimming for a while, I take my place on the sand, get some sun, and read a book. Two little girls are laying on beach towels next to me, chatting and lazily digging holes. That’s when I overhear the ten-year-old girl say to the eight-year-old girl:)

Ten-Year-Old Girl: “…and then, all you have left is one dead body and twelve cupcakes.”

(A budding Wednesday Addams stand-up comedian?)

That Line Trumps All Others

, , , , , , | Learning | November 23, 2017

(I’m in my college’s cafeteria and am listening to some conversations going around me as a project for one of my writing classes. I need to hear a few lines of conversation and then fill it in with the rest of the story. I wish I had heard more from this conversation so I could use this, but all I got was this single line:)

Student: “…and it was like Kim Jong-un with giant baby hands!”

Pooping Out Existentialism

, , , , | Learning | November 23, 2017

(Overheard in a school hallway:)

Student #1: “Well, babies seem to know. That’s why they cry all the time.”

Student #2: “I thought they cried because of the existential angst crashing in on them all at once.”

Student #1: “I think they cry because they have wet diapers, [Student #2]!”

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