For Your Twinformation

, , , , | Working | April 12, 2018

(I work in a large, open-plan office space. I overhear this gem at the island next to mine:)

Coworker #1: “Hey, did you know our general manager had a twin sister? He told me they’re really close; they talk to each other almost every day.”

Coworker #2: *who is going to be a first-time dad in a few months* “Wait. How is that possible? Can a boy be twins with a girl?!”

All Of Us: “…”

Love Is Material

, , , , | Related | March 17, 2018

(Overheard near the toy aisle, between a five- or six-year-old girl and her mom.)

Girl: “Of course I love you, Mommy! I just love you more when you buy me stuff!”

(At least she’s honest!)

At Least It’s Still Just A Penny For Your Thoughts

, , , , | Healthy | January 24, 2018

(I am in line waiting to pick up a prescription. The customer at the register is taking longer than usual. The worker tells him to step to the side while they try to sort out the problem. I overhear this between the man who is picking up the prescription and his friend.)

Friend: “It’s only three dollars.”

Man: “I ain’t got that kind of money. Do you know anybody with that kind of money? These is crazy times we live in.”

Just Round Up Or Down

, , , , , , | Learning | January 4, 2018

(I’m in algebra class and we’re learning a rather difficult topic.)

Girl Across the Classroom: “Man, you either get this, or you don’t, and I’m in the middle.”

Me: *facepalms as I realize the impossibility of this statement*

Unable To Flush That Imagery From Your Mind

, , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2017

(I am waiting for a table outside of a popular restaurant with my friends. A couple in their early 20s comes up and signs the register to queue for a table as well. While they’re waiting, they start talking together about various things. Most of the conversation is pretty normal and boring, until…)

Woman: “I just hate public toilets.”

Man: “Oh, I know. There’s just always some slob who hasn’t cleaned up after themselves.”

Woman: “Uh. No. I meant the seats.”

Man: “What? Like that thing about women not sitting and they pee everywhere?”

Woman: “No! Someone is always closing the toilet seats!”

Man: “What?”

Woman: “You know how there’s a lid? Someone always closes it, and then I have to open it and touch the filthy lid. And it’s just. Ugh.”

Man: “Oh.”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Man: “But you’re supposed to close it so the bacteria doesn’t spray everywhere when you flush. My mum used to chew me out about that every time I didn’t.”

Woman: “Well, at home, sure. That’s your own toilet. In public toilets, I just don’t flush.”

Man: “Oh, my God! You’re one of those?”

Woman: *offended* “What?!”

Man: *laughing* “You’re one of the people that I was talking about, who doesn’t flush after they leave a brick in the bowl. F***, you’re nasty!”

Woman: “You’re disgusting!”

Man: “Says the person who doesn’t flush, and probably doesn’t wash her hands after, either!”

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