Another Case Of Wifitis

, , , , , , | Working | August 13, 2017

(We’re due to have a new member of staff; they passed the interviews all fine and we’re just making sure that their workspace will be set up a-ok. Keep in mind we’re an Internet software company. As part of this we ask if the employee has any special needs for their workplace; for instance I’m disabled due to arthritis so I require a special chair and keyboard set up. I got a phone call from the new employee about a day before she was due to start:)

New Starter: “Hey, yeah, just calling about my workplace set up. I do have a few requirements.”

Me: “Okay, no worries; do you want to go through them now or send them via email or post?”

New Starter: “Nah, phone is fine. I need an ergonomic keyboard and mouse because I have RSI.”

Me: “No problems at all; I’ve got a setup like that myself so we’ll get those installed for you.”

New Starter: “Right, and I’m deathly allergic to WiFi, so you’ll need to shut off anything wireless in the office.”

Me: “…pardon?”

New Starter: “Yes, I’ll die if I’m near a wifi signal. You need to shut down anything that works wireless.”

Me: *noticing at this point she’s calling me from a MOBILE PHONE* “Erm, that may pose a real problem as a lot of our systems and phones work on wireless.”

New Starter: “Tough. Disable it. Rewire it or whatever you have to do. I’ll die if I’m near anything wireless.”

Me: “Can I ask a question?”

New Starter: “Yes.”

Me: “How did you protect yourself against the signals when you came in for your interviews then? That meeting room actually houses two of the main wireless points for the office.”

New Starter: “I’m going to sue.” *hangs up*

(She DID in fact call a lawyer to claim we were refusing ‘disability accommodations’ who then called our corporate office to complain. We’d already sent the notes from my phone call up so they knew about her ‘issue.’ We never heard anything further aside from a single note from HR saying we’d withdrawn the job offer ‘on agreement with the interviewee.’)

An Alarming Lack Of Alarm, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 10, 2017

(I take a telephone call from a female caller.)

Caller: “Hello. My partner’s having a pacemaker fitted and for personal reasons, I’d like to know where he is on the list.”

Me: “I don’t know that. Have you tried speaking to the consultant’s secretary?”

Caller: “I’m not ringing her. Can’t you tell me?”

Me: “But she would be the best person to help you.”

Caller: “I don’t know if she’s Australian or Canadian, but she’s never there. She’s either on holiday or off sick.”

Me: “She would still be the best person to ask.”

Caller: “But can’t you tell me?”

Me: “I don’t know that information. Would they even know the surgery lists at this point?”

Caller: “Yes, they would.”

(The fire alarm starts to go off.)

Me: “Can I take your number and try to find out and give you a ring back.”

Caller: “What’s that noise? It’s hurting my ears.”

Me: “That’s the fire alarm. We may have to evacuate the building.”

Caller: “You don’t have to go. It’s probably just a practice.”

Me: “We’ve not been told it’s a practice. If I can take your phone number, I can try and find out and call you back.”

Caller: “No, don’t call me back. I want to know when he’s having his pacemaker fitted.”

Me: “Sorry, madam, we are actually evacuating the building.”

Caller: “But you can’t. I want to know when his pacemaker’s going to be fitted.”

(The best bit? I found out from a colleague that the order of patients is decided on the day!)

Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Rekindle Friendship

, , , | Friendly | August 7, 2017

(I’m chatting with my best mate and his girlfriend. His girlfriend notes that she hasn’t seen me for a while and we’re working out what happened over the past few months to stop us from meeting up. Note that my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks previously.)

Me: “I think we were gonna do the couples board games night, but…”

Mate: “I was busy for, like, the whole month. I thought you’d think we were trying to avoid you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. And then I got busy.”

Mate: “And we went on holiday.”

Me: “And then [Ex-Girlfriend] and I started having problems and I thought, probably best not to throw the board games night into the mix in case it got awkward.”

Mate: “What? You mean you didn’t think, ‘I know what will fix my dying relationship – a nice game of Monopoly’? I mean, nobody’s ever argued over that.”

Me: “Yeah, shocking, that. What was I thinking…”

Like A Moth To A Chemical Flame

, , , , , | Friendly | July 23, 2017

(A couple, Friend #1 and Friend #2, are hosting a barbeque in their back garden. One of them spots a moth flying towards the garden, before it makes a turn and flies away instead.)

Friend #1: “Yes! It’s flying away!”

Me: “What is?”

Friend #1: “The moth!”

Me: “Why is that important?”

Friend #2: “When we moved in, the house had a moth infestation. [Friend #1] found a company that exterminates them and then treats your house to keep them away.”

Me: “Well, it seems to be working!”

Friend #2: “Yes, but he managed to find the one company in London that had a no-moth guarantee, or they come back for free. Every time [Friend #1] saw even a single moth in the house, he would call them and they’d come back and spray it all over again. Our house was just full of chemicals.”

Me: “How many times?”

Friend #1: “Five times!”

Me: “Wow! And so now you don’t have moths?”

Friend #2: “No, but now we have cancer.”

Lava-Resistant Briefcase

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2017

A friend and I have been watching videos of people yelling “Floor is lava!”

We decide to test it ourselves as the cafe we are in is mostly filled with young people. I yell at the top of my lungs.

Many people are sitting down and just lift up their legs. One person puts her feet on the table, and a male employee jumps into a female employee’s arms.

What made us laugh most was a confused business man who looked around and then dropped his briefcase on the floor and stood on it. He lifted a thumb up and continued to drink what I assumed was his coffee.

 

Page 1/3123
Next »