Those Who Think Their World Is All The World

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2018

(I work in social services where we provide care for elderly people who cannot look after themselves. We cover all of London, so it’s a very large area. I receive this call from a member of the public.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to report a vulnerable elderly man to you so that he can get care.”

Me: “Okay, can I take his name and address?”

Caller: “I don’t know that.”

Me: “Okay. Can you tell me whereabouts in London he lives?”

Caller: “I don’t know. But he was fat and bald and was in a wheelchair. He said he was struggling to cope at home. I saw him at [Local Supermarket]. You know, the one opposite the chemist?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know where you’re referring to, and without knowing his name or address, there’s not really anything we can do! If you could find that out, I’d be happy to help.”

Caller: “Well, you’ve been no help at all. If he was dying, would you just let him die?!”

Me: “Sir, if he was dying, I would suggest you call an ambulance. We don’t provide medical assistance.”

Caller: “Well, thank you for nothing!*hangs up*

(I wish I could say that was a rare call. Alas, we get lots of people wanting results from nothing.)

Beer The Change You Want To See In The World

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 13, 2018

(I’m sitting at the very front of a train when a homeless man carrying an open beer can approaches me.)

Homeless Man: “Excuse me, mate. Can you spare some change?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sorry.”

(I can, but I don’t tell him that. He goes down the carriage, asking everyone, then goes into the next one. Half an hour later, the train is reaching its end and I’m the only one in the carriage. He returns and walks straight into the wall at the end without breaking his stride. He looks at it for a minute as if he can’t quite process it, then he looks at me.)

Homeless Man: “So, how are you, then? What’ve you been up to tonight?”

(Not wanting to agitate him, I chat to him for a few minutes, whilst making sure to stay in CCTV view.)

Homeless Man: “So, I’ve been friendly, and I’ve given you some nice company. And I know you’ve got some change on you, so could you help me out?”

Me: “I really can’t.”

Homeless Man: “Why won’t you help a homeless guy? I’m just trying to find a place to sleep!”

Me: “I make regular donations to homeless charities; they all say if I give you money, it’s just going to keep you on the street. You need to seek professional help.”

Homeless Man: “But I’m not on the drugs, or the booze, or anything!”

Me: “I’ll help you out by giving you a tip. Maybe tell people that when you don’t have a beer can in your hand. I’d love to believe you, but I can’t right now.”

(He sulked and wandered off.)

Bagged Far More Than He Bargained For

, , , , , | Right | July 30, 2018

(I’m a customer here. I am with my girlfriend, doing some shopping in a rather posh and famous department store in the middle of the city that is known for being quite expensive. Some people who shop there can be quite snotty. We are there looking for a present for my girlfriend’s sister’s birthday. I’m in a suit that does not look like a uniform at all. A customer comes up to me, holding a printed-out list with pictures of bags on.)

Customer: “I want you to find [three items]. I’m in a hurry; just let me see them, and then you can pack them up for me.”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Look: this is for my wife. I have a job to get back to; now do yours.”

Me: “I seriously do not work here, and besides, there is a line. There are two people behind us.”

Customer: *shoves the papers hard into my chest* “Here. Just go and find them. Don’t be a lazy c*** and fob me off. I know you lot work on commission, so it’s in your interest to serve me. Now do this, or get a real f****** job like me!”

Me: “Okay, sir, would that be the job whose company’s logo is on your umbrella?”

Customer: “Yes! Get me my bags now!”

Me: “Sure. I just have to ask your name to put you on the list for getting in line. And out of curiosity, it wouldn’t happen to be [Location down the street] you work at?”

Customer: “For f***’s sake. It’s [Customer], and yes, I do. Now, I have to go back there, so hurry yourself up, boy.”

(I pull out my phone, call my office, and ask to look up the customer’s name. As I’m doing this, he starts to go off, raising his voice about how I am bad at my job, should be fired, what kind of s*** am I pulling, etc. He calms down very quickly once I start to say his details for his work back to him. I thank my secretary and tell her I’ll be calling her back in a moment.)

Me: “[Customer], I’m [My Name], and I’m [Position making me his boss’ boss]. I wish I could say it’s nice to meet you. Due to your actions here today, it has become unclear whether you are a person we wish to have associated with [Company]; you have been placed on a two-week supervision period. If during those two weeks any of your work or behavior is unsatisfactory in any way, your employment will be terminated. Now, please take your papers back and wait for someone who works here to help you.”

(I called my secretary back, while the guy looked at me like I’d slapped him.)

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That Smaller Parcel Must Have Been His Brain

, , , , , | Friendly | July 26, 2018

(My neighbor is in his mid-forties and is a child of a trust fund, so he’s always had people available at his whim, has never worked, and is a total moron. During the day he has two nannies taking care of his kids while his wife works. I miss a package delivery while I am at work, so the delivery company leaves a ticket stating that the package is with my neighbor. I head over, ticket in hand, to collect it.)

Neighbor: *answering door* “Yeah?”

Me: “Hi, I wasn’t in to get a parcel; they left it at yours. Can I get it?” *shows ticket*

Neighbor: *immediately confused* “Uh, sorry, no. The nanny deals with stuff like that. Come back when she’s back.”

Me: “I kind of need it; did the post not deliver my parcel here?”

Neighbor: “Why did they deliver your parcel here?”

Me: “I wasn’t in.”

Neighbor: “Why not?”

Me: *too shocked by his stupidity* “Look. My parcel was dropped off here; can you please check?”

(He looks around his feet and picks up the nearest parcel, hands it to me without a word, and shuts the door. The parcel is way too small to be what I am expecting. I check the address slip and it has the neighbor’s address and his wife’s name on it. I ring the bell again several times until he eventually answers again.)

Neighbor: “What now?”

Me: “There’s been some confusion; this is your wife’s parcel.”

Neighbor: “Well, what do you want with it, then?”

Me: “I don’t want it. I want mine. Can you please look?”

Neighbor: *taking the parcel back and looking around his feet* “Nothing here. Look: can you please come back when the nanny is here? She deals with all the stuff like this.”

Me: “Well, can you check the front room or something for a box with this address on it?” *I hand him the ticket* “Please?!”

(He disappears for a few seconds and comes back with a very large box and an equally confused expression on his face.)

Neighbor: “Huh. There’s this, but… it’s got the wrong address on it.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I’m after.”

Neighbor: “Why was it delivered here? I’m not [bad pronunciation of My Name].”

Me: “That’s me! It’s what I’m here for.”

Neighbor: “How did you know it was here?”

Me: “Because the delivery company left a ticket. Can I please have it now?”

Neighbor: *handing it over* “But why didn’t they just deliver it to you?”

(I took the parcel and just rolled my eyes at the last question. I didn’t think leaving post with neighbors was that difficult a concept.)

I Swear It Wasn’t Me!

, , , , , | Working | July 23, 2018

(I work for a marketing agency which promotes magazines, etc. I have a colleague who is very hot-headed and lacks judgment.)


(Inevitably, a few seconds later I hear:)


(And another few seconds:)


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