We’ve Upgraded You To Time Travel

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I am on the phone with customer service about an item I ordered.)

Me: “Hey, I ordered this item this morning [Wednesday] with two-day shipping, but it says it won’t arrive until next Tuesday.”

Customer Service Rep: “Sorry, that item isn’t in stock until Saturday. After it is in stock, it will be normal two-day shipping.”

Me: “The page says nothing about it being out of stock.”

Customer Service Rep: “It does on my screen, sir.”

Me: “It doesn’t anywhere on mine. It says it’s in stock.”

Customer Service Rep: “Sorry about that. I’ll upgrade you to one-day shipping for the inconvenience. Now the item will arrive this Friday.”

Me: “Um… Friday is before Saturday.”

Customer Service Rep: “Yes, that’s correct, sir. I’ve upgraded you.”

Me: “So, the item will be here on Friday?”

Customer Service Rep: “Yes.”

Me: *long pause* “Okay, then.”

(Yes, it arrived on Friday.)

That One Time…

, , , , | Right | February 27, 2018

(I work in a copy shop. It is an extremely busy day and it has been non-stop with customers and copy orders since we opened. This conversation starts after I tell a customer I don’t have time to do her order while she waits, since it’s so busy with other customers.)

Customer: “Okay. I guess I can come back at five for it, then.”

Me: “Okay.”

(We book in the order.)

Customer: “Okay, so, I can come back at one?”

Me: “Um, you said five.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I’ll be on my lunch at one, so it’s easier to come then.”

Me: “Let me see what other orders I have booked in.”

(I check to see when everything else is due. Getting it done by one will be tight, but I think I can do it.)

Me: “Okay, sure. Come back at one.”

(I basically panic getting the order done by one, but I do it with just a few minutes to spare. She doesn’t pick it up until five.)

Customer: “I hope you didn’t rush it for one!”

Me: “…”

Been Having Problems Of Late

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 26, 2018

(A friend and I have signed up for an evening class together.)

Friend: “There’s no use in both of us driving there separately; why don’t I pick you up, and we’ll drive over together?”

Me: “Sounds good!”

(On the night of the first class, I’m waiting on my driveway. The class starts at 6:30. It’s 6:25, and there’s no sign of her. Finally…)

Friend: “Here I am!”

Me: “Oh, thank goodness!” *gets in* “Was traffic bad?”

Friend: “No, why?”

Me: “Um… You’re a bit late. We’ve only got three minutes to get to class, now.”

Friend: “Really?” *checks clock* “Oh, well. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

(We arrive at the class, several minutes late. The instructor has already begun. She glares at us.)

Friend: “Sorry! I have no sense of time!”

(The same thing happens the following week, and the week after that.)

Me: “I’m going to drive myself from now on.”

Friend: “Why?”

Letting That Minute Sink In For A Minute

, , , , , , , | Working | February 22, 2018

(We have [Manager #1] who is notorious for not knowing how long a task is going to take. If he claims that it will only take “a minute,” it usually takes fifteen. If he says, “fifteen minutes,” it can be up to two hours.)

Manager #2: *over walkie-talkie* “Hey, guys, we’re running behind today. Can anyone stay fifteen minutes after their shift to help finish this up?”


Manager #2: “Anyone? Anyone at all?”


Manager #2: “Guuuuyyys, I mean fifteen actual minutes, not fifteen [Manager #1] minutes!”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, okay. I can stay for that long.”

Coworker #2: “Me, too.”

Coworker #3: “Sure!”

(I was laughing too hard to chime in, but I did stay to help for those fifteen minutes, too.)

Never Too Late To Dump Him

, , , , | Romantic | February 21, 2018

(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting at least twenty minutes for him, every single time. I used to have a problem with being late, years before, so I try to talk to him about tricks and coping. Cue the day he is going to meet my parents. I am SUPER nervous. I absolutely need him to be on time for this.)

Me: “So, you know how you’re always at least ten minutes late?”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Yeah.”

Me: “We absolutely cannot miss the train when we’re going to meet my parents. So, I want you to pretend the train is leaving ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so you’ll be on time. And then, I want you to be early for that.”

Boyfriend: “Sure.”

Me: “So, we’ll treat it like a date; we’ll be 20 minutes early, have some fun at the train station, then catch the train.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *sigh of relief*

(On the day of our trip, I’m almost half an hour early for the train. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Ten minutes before the train leaves, I start texting and calling. No answer. No boyfriend. I am freaking out. Two minutes before the train leaves, he comes running.)

Me: “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”

Boyfriend: “Hang on. I still have to buy a train ticket.”

(I am flabbergasted. Long story short: we miss the train. I am a silent ball of rage.)

Boyfriend: “If you had bought me a ticket, we wouldn’t have missed it.”


Boyfriend: “Because you should’ve known I’d be late.”

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