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We Hope She Swore To “Never Come Back”

, , , | Right | January 9, 2022

My father’s shop closed for a week because my father died suddenly. As I was trying to open the front door to my fully empty, shutters-down shop, a lady impatiently huffed behind me and stared at me.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “No! I’m waiting to go in!”

Me: “Well, we won’t be open for another hour and a half yet, madam.”

She kicked off.

Customer: “WHY NOT?! IS MY DAUGHTER’S BANGLE BACK YET?! IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS!”

Me: “Madam, we’ve been shut, unfortunately, so it won’t be ready just yet.”

Customer: “WHY?! HOW DARE YOU SHUT?! YOU’RE STEALING MY BANGLE! WHY ARE YOU CLOSED?!”

I completely lost my cool in the middle of the street.

Me: “MY FATHER DIED FIVE DAYS AGO!”

The worst thing was that she just said:

Customer: “So?”

Customers are crazy.

That’s… Still Not Really Good

, , , , , | Right | January 2, 2022

I deliver pizzas. Once, during rush hour, I had four deliveries at once. It took me an hour to get to the last one. The guy is a massive jerk.

Customer: “I’m not paying because you’re late. If I wasn’t on good behavior right now, I’d mess you up.”

We blacklisted him.

Take All The Time You Need, Even From The Past!

, , , , | Right | December 31, 2021

Client: “So you got everything you need? Take all the time you want. We really believe we understand the mind of the creative individual. We know it takes time to create a powerful ad.”

Me: “Yeah. It does. Thanks.”

Client: “But it’s urgent. Just imagine that it should have been done as of yesterday.”

Me: “But no deadline?”

Client: “Right. Well, I mean, we need it for four days, but otherwise, yeah; no deadline.”

Nobody Puts Baby In Daylight Saving Time

, , , , , , | Related | December 28, 2021

Daylight Saving Time always confuses my dad’s thirteen-year-old beagle, Baby. Baby gets up from her nap in the sun and goes to sit by her bowl. She lets out a very big, very dramatic yawn and stares at my dad.

Dad: “Not yet, Baby.”

Baby grumbles.

Dad: “Don’t you take that tone with me. It’s not time—”

Baby lets out a soft whine.

Dad: “Baby, it is not 5:30.” *Points at the clock on the wall* “It’s 4:30.”

Mom: “You didn’t change that clock, [Dad].”

Dad: “What?”

He looks at the clock and sees that it does say 5:30.

Dad: “Oh.”

Mom: “It’s 5:30 to her.”

Baby looks back and forth between Mom and Dad, her tail slowly picking up speed.

Dad: “Okay, Baby. Now look—”

Baby breaks into a full-body wiggle and starts howling. Dad tries to talk over Baby’s victory noises.

Dad: “Tomorrow, it will be 5:30 for real!”

He puts food down in front of her and she gobbles up every last piece before going back to her nap spot.

The next week, I am back again and 4:30 rolls around. Again, Baby wakes up from her nap and goes to her bowl. Dad sighs and gets up.

Me: “I thought you told her 5:30?”

Dad: *Sighs* “I did. She made some very loud arguments at 4:30 in the morning. I had to relent.”

Mom: “She’s a good girl. Let her eat when she wants.”

Baby gets to eat at 4:30 now, twice a day. My dad gets up early to feed her breakfast and then goes back to bed. Baby, of course, has no issues with this new plan.

If You Don’t Take The Time You Can’t Spend The Time

, , , , | Right | December 26, 2021

Me: “If you want a custom Christmas e-mail template, it’ll take at least two billable hours.”

Client: “We don’t want to pay extra. Can’t you just add a snowy background?”

Me: “It’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m sorry, but I do have to charge by the hour.”

Client: “No. Why don’t you spend a couple of hours figuring out how we can do this for free.”

Me: “You want me to sit here for a “couple hours” to figure out a way you can get me to work for a couple of hours for free?”