Weeding Out The Ne’er Do Wells

, , , , , | Working | August 2, 2021

My company has a strict drug policy. They make a massive deal of it when you start. It’s part of your probation and it’s mentioned on every company notice board.

While it isn’t something I partake in, I have a “live and let live” philosophy when outside of work, but at work, we use large drills, presses, grinding wheels, high voltage, etc. — lots of things you could potentially kill yourself or even others with — so I get why the company has such a strict line.

I’m sat outside having a smoke with a guy I sort of know. He is a laid-back guy, and he’s often late, often sneaking off, and often not where he should be. 

Coworker: “I’ve got this stupid drugs test later.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I heard that there was a round of random drug—”

Coworker: *Interrupting* “It’s stupid! Why should they tell me how to live my life?!”

Me: “That guy lost his foot at [other site]. He was way out of it.”

Coworker: “Well, he was stupid, then. Why should the rest of us suffer?”

Me: “You nervous?”

Coworker: “What? Why? No, I’m all right.”

We sit in silence for a while.

Coworker: “How long do you think these tests can… I mean, how long does pot stay in your system?”

Me: “I think they can tell if you’ve done it in the last few days.”

Coworker: “S***. Well, I got to go.”

I didn’t see [Coworker] again. Apparently, he was smoking something he shouldn’t at lunch on company property. The stupid thing was that he had a week’s notice and the company would have called it off if he’d said he had a problem and accepted some help.

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You Can Lose All The Weight You Want, But You’ll Still Be A Jerk

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 2, 2021

I’m finally catching up with a friend, now we are allowed to meet up outside. We walk around a local park chatting, and it seems that there are lots of people with the same idea.

I suggest grabbing a drink from the stall.

Friend: “Can I get a lemonade?”

Me: “I’ll have a diet cola.”

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, we don’t have any. Oh, wait! The last one.”

Me: “Lucky me.”

I pay for us and we turn to leave, but a woman next in line steps in front of us, her hands on her hips.

Woman: “Err, excuse me. I don’t think what you did was very respectful of others.”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “You! You took the last diet soda! Some of us are trying to lose weight, you know!”

She turns to what looks like her mother.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I like the flavour. I don’t like the regular one.”

Woman: *Dramatic sighing* “Oh, he doesn’t like the flavour. Well, what am I supposed to drink?”

I’m not very good with confrontation. I’m half-thinking about just going home when my friend speaks up.

Friend: “[Woman]?”

Woman: “What?”

Friend: “Your name is [Woman], isn’t it?”

Woman: “So what?”

Friend: “I recognise you; you used to bully us all back in school. Looks like not much has changed there. Still a nasty piece of work, huh?”

Woman: “I don’t know you.”

Friend: “Good, keep it that way. You’re not worth the breath.”

Woman: “Give me the soda!”

Friend: “Oh, I’ve wanted to say this for a long time. F*** you, [Woman]. You can’t bully anyone anymore.” *To me* “Come on. We still have lots to catch up on.”

We had a great time after that. It turns out that [Woman] really was a nasty piece of work and made a lot of people’s lives h***. She kept on bullying people until she couldn’t keep a job or even a social media account.

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Got The Deaths And Marriages Parts Covered

, , , , , , | Right | July 31, 2021

It is 2014, and same-sex marriage has been legalised in England, so my fiancé and I are planning our wedding despite having little money and, to be honest, even less of an idea of what we’re doing. I have been given a card with the number I have to call to book our ceremony at the registry office.

I have ADP — auditory processing disorder — so I struggle to hear properly on the phone, so when I don’t hear the answer of the man who answered, I just assume he introduced the registry office and immediately say.

Me: “Hello. I need to book a wedding, please.”

There is a pause.

Man: “I’m sorry?”

Nervous, I start to ramble.

Me: “I was given a card with this number on it? To book our wedding, I mean. And, um, they said they couldn’t do it in person, I had to call, and—”

Man: “Whoa, hold on. You’ve got the wrong number.”

This doesn’t quite sink in at first and I pause.

Me: “I have?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

That’s a stupid question, I know.

Man: “Very sure, mate, yeah.”

Me: “Oh. Um, where have I called?”

Man: “[Hometown] crematorium.”

Me: “Oh. Oh. No, that is definitely not where I wanted to call!”

I start laughing, which sets the man on the phone off, too. For a few moments, neither of us can get anything coherent out. Eventually, I get the card back out and read the local number back to him; it’s definitely correct. He starts to say something when I suddenly yell:

Me: “OH! Oh, I am an idiot!”

Man: “Nah, no, it can’t be you. You’re not the first; we’ve had a few people call about weddings!”

Me: “No, no, it’s me. I put in the wrong area code!”

The area code for a nearby town — who I actually needed to call — was very similar to the area code of my town! The man was glad to have that mystery solved, and I have been amused since then at having called the crematorium of all places to try and book my wedding.

And if you were curious, yes, we did somehow manage to pull the wedding together, minus cremations, and remain happily married to this day.

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Are You Shore?

, , , , , , | Related | July 31, 2021

This happened back in the 1970s. I was nearly five and my little sister would have been about three. After growing up in London, we had just moved to a small town.

Mum was taking my sister and me on our first trip to the shops in this new town. My sister was in her buggy and I was walking by the side. As we walked over the crest of a hill, something flat and grey-blue came into view, although neither my sister nor I paid any attention to it until Mum asked us about it.

Mum: “Do you see that blue thing in the distance?”

Sister & Me: “Yes, Mummy?”

Mum: “Do you know what it is?”

Our guesses included a stream, a river, a pond, and a lake until, eventually…

Me: “Mummy, is it the sea?”

Mum: “Yes!”

Sister & Me: “Wow!”

When we were growing up in London, Mum and Dad didn’t have a car, so going to the beach was a very rare event — maybe once a year — so Sis and I were quite taken with this knowledge that we were near the coast.

That night, when Sis and I were in our rooms, Mum came to check that we were asleep and was quite surprised to see me awake. I was really worried.

Mum: “Are you all right?”

Me: “You know the sea, Mummy?”

Mum: “Yes, dear?”

Me: “Will it still be there tomorrow?”

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The Gift That Keeps On Building

, , , , | Right | July 30, 2021

I take my daughter to one of the shops where you stuff a bear and buy clothes for it. We are looking at the options when a man pushes past us, luckily missing my daughter. I ignore him and continue helping her pick the empty bear. We stand in line and wait for the stuffing machine when I notice something odd. The man from earlier is stood in the line without a child.

The line moves along slowly. The woman on the stuffing machine eyes the man carefully and goes into her routine about the special hearts, etc., and asks if he wants to help push the button, as she would with the children.

He declines and awkwardly stands there as she goes onto her spiel about the “birth certificate.” This whole process takes a while and the man gets more agitated as it happens.

Store Associate: “Would you like to make a wish?”

Man: “Look. It’s a gift, okay? I just want this done.”

Store Associate: “Not a problem. Your bear is all done. In future, you can pick from any one of the premade bears if you like.”

Right next to the empty ones were premade bears of every type. Perhaps if he wasn’t in such a rush he would have noticed them!

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