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Married To A Holey Man

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 7, 2022

I am talking with the married coworkers from this story.

Wife: “If I don’t stop him, he wears clothes with holes in. He’s terrible.”

[Husband] mutters.

Me: “I’ve noticed that my socks don’t wear out evenly, surprisingly, so if I put two pairs on, the holes don’t line up and they’re still wearable.”

[Husband] starts listening with interest.

Wife: “DON’T GIVE HIM IDEAS!”

Related:
Married To A Yes-Man

Sticky Situations Aren’t My Cup Of Tea

, , , , , , , | Right | December 6, 2022

I love honey on my toast and in my tea, so I usually carry some in a couple of mini jars when I’m travelling. They literally hold about two teaspoons each. I’m having a buffet breakfast in my hotel, and they don’t have honey, so I’ve brought my tiny jar to my table.

The family at the next table spots it.

Child: “Mum, look! I want honey!”

Mum: “Excuse me. Where did you get the honey? We didn’t see any.”

Me: “I don’t think they’ve got any. I brought this with me.”

Mum: “I’ll go ask.”

Off she goes, and I carry on enjoying the last of my breakfast, spreading honey on my toast.

Mum: *To her daughter* “They haven’t got any. We’ll ask the nice lady.”

Dad: *To me* “Excuse me. They haven’t got any. Can my daughter have some of yours?”

Me: “No, sorry. It’s just enough for one.”

Mum: “But she just wants a bit. Can’t you spare a bit?”

Me: “No, sorry, but it’s really just enough for me.”

Daughter: “Daaaaad, I really want honey.”

Dad: “Look, she’s just a kid. Can you just give us a bit for her?”

Me: “No. I can’t.”

I spoon the last of my honey into my tea and put the jar into my pocket.

Mum: *Angry now* “Oh, well, that’s nice. Sorry, [Daughter], the lady won’t give you any honey.”

The daughter starts crying.

Dad: “Are you happy now? Look at her!”

Me: “I’m not the one who promised her honey when there wasn’t any. Yeah, I’m happy. Looks like your day’s going to suck, though.”

I took my tea and headed to my room while the daughter had a complete meltdown behind me.

Going Beyond The Borders Of Being A Helpful Pet

, , , , , , | Related | December 6, 2022

This was back when my border collie and I still lived at my parents’ house. I owned a bearded dragon who was kept in my bedroom. One night, I was downstairs focusing on college work and my mum had gone up for a shower. My dog was relaxing next to me. All of a sudden, he bolted upright, staring ahead with his head to one side. Then, he took off upstairs.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it; he sometimes liked to greet the resident humans after their traumatic time in the shower. I thought my mum had just come back out and he wanted to make sure she hadn’t drowned. But then, I heard a yell from upstairs.

Mum: “[My Name], your bedroom is full of smoke!”

I ran upstairs and found out that, indeed, the room was full of smoke. Something had gone wrong with the heat lamp in my bearded dragon’s enclosure. Perhaps the lizard had been climbing and the fitting wasn’t tight enough, but the whole thing had spun toward the back of the wooden vivarium and was slowly burning through. And yes, I do still kick myself about this. It was an eighty-watt bulb pointing at wood. You can imagine.

It turned out that my mum had come out of the bathroom to see my dog scratching at my bedroom door. She’d opened it, and that’s when she’d seen the smoke.

I immediately took the lizard out and put him in a temporary enclosure while I made sure his usual was completely free of smoke and while my dad drilled the fitting in place.

That was probably eight years ago. My border collie is now almost twelve, and my bearded dragon sadly passed away in 2021, aged thirteen. My dog still loves to check in on his little critter friends, now consisting of a hamster and guinea pigs! In fact, the hamster has moved into the four-foot-long refurbished and hamster-proofed vivarium my lizard used to live in. It still has the burn marks. I still feel terrible. But I’m eternally grateful to my pooch for that and all the times he’s tolerated and supported me through poor mental health.

Related:
Collies Without Borders
Border Collies Are Focused… On Something…
No Borders On That Guy’s Rudeness
No Borders On That Kid’s Kindness
No Borders On That Lady’s Crazy

Don’t You Have Your Own Town Meetings To Rant At?

, , , , , | Right | December 5, 2022

I grew up in a rural seaside town that was popular with tourists. It was a lovely place, but it was hard to find work because what few jobs there were in such a small town were usually seasonal, so most people who lived there worked in the nearest city or larger towns. Then, a national supermarket chain tried to bid on a piece of land so they could build a supermarket there.

Most residents were supportive of this because it meant more jobs locally and more options for weekly shops; the nearest full-sized supermarket was a twenty-five- to thirty-minute drive away at the time. But there were a few residents — mostly the retirees — who were not thrilled with the idea of [Chain] setting up shop in our town because they thought it would ruin the look, history, and culture of the town.

The land [Chain] was bidding for wasn’t used for anything. It had no historical significance. We had several small chain supermarkets and shops in town already, and the piece of land was right on the outskirts of town. There wasn’t anything on the land, either: no buildings or sites of historical importance. It was just a weed-riddled patch of land that people occasionally fly-tipped on. (Fly tipping is illegal waste dumping.)

The [Chain] land bid quickly became a source of controversy which residents butted heads over, with meeting after meeting called, but it took several years before an agreement could be made.

The weirdest thing about this wasn’t so much that the town was divided on the issue, but the fact that the tourists felt they had a say in it. People who spent two to four weeks a year in our town felt entitled to a say in anything that happened here, from how and when roads were maintained to what shops and businesses they would “allow” to open. Naturally, the land dispute with [Chain] quickly got their attention.

At the time that this battle was raging on, I was a teenager, and I had a part-time job at a local fishmonger. It wasn’t the best, but it was better than a long commute into the city.

It was a lovely day and tourists were flocking to the town to spend the day at the beach, so I was very busy with people buying various seafood treats to eat as they walked along.

As I was getting ready to close, a customer came in and asked for a seafood pot. I had run out not too long ago, and as we were due to close, I hadn’t bothered to make any more. Still, I happily made her a fresh one while she waited. As I was pottering about making it, we had a chat.

Me: “How are you enjoying your time here? Have you been to visit the model railway or the gardens yet?”

Tourist: “I went to the gardens yesterday. They’re gorgeous. It’s just a shame they’re going to be ruined by that stupid [Chain].”

Me: “Oh, the gardens are on the other side of town from where they’re hoping to build [Chain]. They’ll still be there even if they build it.”

The woman sniffed disdainfully.

Tourist: “Well, they’d better not build it. I don’t spend all this money just to see [Chain]. We have [Chain] at home. It’ll ruin this town if they build one.”

Not wanting to start an argument, I just nodded.

Tourist: “The meeting at the town hall about [Chain] is this week, isn’t it?”

Me: “On Friday, I think.”

Tourist: “Good. I’m going. I won’t let them destroy my holiday.”

Me: “The meeting is only for residents.”

Tourist: “Nonsense. I spend thousands every year when I come here. I have just as much right to vote on this as anyone else.”

I didn’t respond and instead finished up her seafood pot.

Tourist: “Well, I’m sure you don’t want [Chain] to be built. It’ll put you out of a job.”

Me: “[Supermarket] in [Town] isn’t allowed a fish counter, so it doesn’t affect the local fishing trade. The council has said the same thing to [Chain]. If they get the go-ahead, they won’t be allowed a fish counter, either. So, you’ll still be able to enjoy our seafood whenever you come.”

The woman huffed and started digging through her purse, ready to pay.

Tourist: “I just think it’s wrong. I don’t want [Chain] here. I come here to get away from all the boring stuff I have at home.”

Again, I just nodded and feigned sympathy.

The woman paid and left.

My parents went to the meeting on Friday. When they got home, they told me that a crazy woman tried to force her way into the meeting. She wasn’t a resident but demanded to be let in to “save” us from [Chain]. I don’t know if it was the same woman, because it wasn’t the first time a tourist had tried to force or bluff their way into one of the town meetings despite numerous signs plastered on the hall doors announcing this was a meeting for residents only.

Several years later, [Chain] got the go-ahead to build their supermarket. The town is still there. It’s still a thriving tourist hot spot. The world didn’t end after all.

Mind Your Own Bus-iness

, , , , , | Right | December 5, 2022

When I joined the company I currently work for back in 2009, I was located in a store an hour and a half away from my hometown by bus. This story takes place on the bus coming home. My friend and I had been working a long day in the store — ten hours each — and we got on the 20:30 bus home. Around twenty minutes into the journey, a young man boarded and stood and talked to the driver, who he seemed to know well. 

This didn’t bother any of the passengers already on board until we got to the next town over. There, a couple in their late sixties boarded and sat down on the lower deck. (We have double-decker buses in the UK.) About five minutes after they boarded, I could hear them moaning about the young man talking with the driver. They then started to loudly make their opinion on the matter known to anyone within earshot. 

It went on and on and on, constant complaining and crowing about how the young man should behave like a proper passenger. No one else was bothered by it at all. Eventually, we arrived at the main bus station in the town before my home town. The older couple began to get off, but not before they berated the driver for a solid ten minutes.

At this point, the rest of us were tired and just wanted to get home. I was about to stand up and say something when a middle-aged man stood up and walked over to them.

Man: “Look. We are all tired and stressed after a long day at work. Leave these men alone and p*** off before I shove my umbrella somewhere.”

The older couple looked at him and then got off the bus to cheers from the other passengers.