Some colleagues and I are talking about learning new languages as adults.
Colleague: “My aunt is blind, so I’m learning sign language.”
We all share a look. Just before I’m about to say something:
Colleague: “I know what you’re all thinking. I just… really hate my aunt.”
Customer: “Vodka on the rocks.”
I pour a single of the house vodka over some ice and slide it to him.
Customer: “That’s… it?”
Me: “That’s vodka, on ice. Were you expecting something different?”
Customer: “I thought it was, like, a cocktail.”
Me: “On the rocks means a liquor, poured neat, over ice. The rocks are ice.”
Customer: “Oh…”
Me: “Did you want this to be more like a cocktail?”
Customer: “It’s just… it looks like water.”
Me: “Fun fact, the name Vodka comes from the Slavic term ‘Voda’, which means water, with ‘ka’ added at the end, making the meaning ‘little water’.”
Customer: “Oh… that’s kinda cool, I guess.”
Me: “Would you like me to add something to it?”
Customer: “Coke?”
Me: “You got it.”
I turn his vodka into a vodka and Coke. He takes a sip.
Customer: “Much better! I much prefer fancy cocktails!”
It’s a Seagram’s vodka and some cola, but hey, as long as the customer is happy!
I’m working in a bookstore, and I overhear two girls browsing the young adult section. One of them is on their phone.
Girl #1: “Girl, I think he might be the one!”
Girl #2: “How do you know?”
Girl #1: “He texts me back!”
Girl #2: “Yeah, he’s the one.”
Girl #1: “And get this, he texts in complete sentences!”
Girl #2: “Lock… that… s***… down!”
I remember back when I used to work in a movie rental place (they do still exist in some rural towns!), a customer came in, looking confused.
Customer: “This DVD didn’t make any sense!”
He hands over a copy of the Swedish vampire film ‘Let The Right One In’, which was a new release at the time.
Me: “What about the movie didn’t make any sense?”
Customer: “All of it! They were speaking, but none of what they said sounded like words!”
Me: “You know this movie is Swedish, right?”
Customer: “What’s Swedish?”
Me: “It’s a language.”
Customer: *Blank look.*
Me: “The actors in the movie are speaking Swedish, which is another language. They’re not speaking English.”
Customer: “Wait, when you say another language, you mean like Spanish?”
Me: “Spanish is another language, yes, but in this instance they’re speaking the language Swedish.”
Customer: “But they can’t be speaking another language! They’re White!”
That was when, as well as explaining how to turn on the DVD dubbing soundtrack to the customer, I also had to explain to them the concept of Europe.
I’m a butcher at a meat and seafood market. A customer looks at our display and then almost starts foaming at the mouth.
Customer: “How dare you!”
Me: “Uh, sir?
Customer: “How daaaaare you!”
Me: “Sir, what’s the problem?”
Customer: “You’re selling dog meat! That’s… that’s… reprehensible!”
Me: “Sir, we don’t sell any such… ah…”
I see what he’s pointing to.
Me: “Sir, those are bags of mixed lamb and beef bones; we label them as doggy bones for the dogs to chew on. They’re not dog bones.”
The customer glares at me for a moment before looking at some of the bones on display and realizing it would be a bit of a stretch for a dog to be that big.
Customer: “Well, then I want a discount on the lamb chops for stressing me out so much!”
And THAT is how we had to add an extra line to the sign saying: “Doggy bones: bones for the dogs, NOT dog bones.”
