A customer’s card has been declined, and instead of using another card or checking with the bank, the customer has decided it’s my fault.

Customer: “You’re doing something wrong because I know I have money in there! Stop f****** around!”

Me: “Sir, please don’t use that language. If the card is declined, then that’s between your bank and you. Nothing I can do can change that.”

Customer: “Then get your manager, as I know you’re the one doing this!”

I happily call my manager over.

Customer: *To my manager.* “You need to hire better cashiers! I have money on this card, and this idiot keeps declining it!”

Manager: “That’s… not something that any cashier can do, sir. If it’s declined, then that’s up to your bank.”

Customer: “Get me a more competent cashier to run my card!”

Manager: “[My Name] is the most competent cashier in the store.”

Customer: “Incompetent, you mean! You’re two letters short of reality.”

Manager: “And you’re​ two letters short of an asset, of which [My Name] is to this store. You are just a liability, so please find another way to pay for your stuff, or leave.”

What a difference having an awesome manager makes to a workplace!

In my sophomore year of high school, I took an academic writing class. At the end of each project, we would do peer reviews. I partnered up with a friend of mine, took his paper back to my desk, and started looking over it.

My inner grammar pedant comes out during peer reviews. My friend had some of the worst grammar I had ever seen. Misplaced commas, mispelled words, and homophones abounded. Being an overconfident fifteen-year-old, I pointed out every single one. When it came time to exchange peer reviews, I walked over to my friend.

Me: “I liked the general structure of this, but your grammar is honestly kind of atrocious.”

Friend: “I’m dyslexic.”

Oh, s***.

 I apologized to my friend profusely. He thankfully wasn’t too upset about it. We’re not friends anymore (for reasons unrelated to this tale), but I try to keep him in mind when I’m doing peer reviews these days. The memory still makes me cringe a little.

I am a cashier at a store and have just checked a customer out. Note that personal information has been changed slightly so as not to dox the customer, but it gets the general idea across.

Me: “Would you like your receipt printed or emailed?”

Customer: “Emailed, please.”

Me: “What’s your email address?

Customer: “Email it to me at aol.com.”

Me: “Ma’am, I need your full email address.”

Customer: “Email it to me at aol.com.”

Me: “What comes before the @aol.com?

Customer: “Email it to me.”

Me: “I’m trying to, but I need your full email address. I can’t just email the receipt to aol.com.”

Customer: “My full email address is emailittome@aol.com.”

Again, not their actual email, but the same general idea.

Me: *Light bulb suddenly goes off.* “Of course. I’ll do that, ma’am. Have a great day.”

A group of coworkers comes out of a meeting in a meeting room with glass walls, so I could see in. They were giving a PowerPoint presentation to senior managers, and I could tell from my desk that they had some technical issues.

One of my coworkers looks upset as they slump into their desk next to mine.

Me: “You alright? Bad meeting?”

Coworker: “Honestly! Apparently, saying “I must have done something in a past life” when something goes wrong is fine, but saying “your ancestors must have sacrificed an ox to the wrong elder gods” is weird and unprofessional! Double standards if you ask me!”

I work in a garage (auto shop) that specializes in EVs. Our troubleshooting can be as much about software as it is about hardware. An angry and annoying customer is having issues with his rather pricey car (the exact nature of the issue isn’t important). My coworker is trying to troubleshoot any software issues the customer might be having:

Annoying Customer: “It’s not software related! It’s mechanical! I know it is! I’m a good driver, so the car must be having issues!”

Coworker: “I’m just troubleshooting—”

Annoying Customer: “—It’s mechanical!”

The annoying customer goes through a tirade of how he knows better, and how he can afford a nice car, so he’s OBVIOUSLY someone important who knows things…

Coworker: “Yeah, now that you’ve said all that, I think there’s a problem with the nut behind the wheel.”

I look up from my paperwork, trying not to smile.

Annoying Customer: “Well, can’t you fix it?!”

Coworker: “I don’t know… sometimes the nuts behind the wheel are pretty bad. Some are impossible to fix.”

Now my manager has looked up. We share a ‘WTF’ look with each other.

Annoying Customer: “You haven’t even checked!”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I can already tell that the nut behind this wheel is one of those very annoying cases. They can really ruin everyone’s day if left unchecked!”

Annoying Customer: “Just fix it!”

Manager: *Walking over.* “What’s the issue here?”

Coworker: “It’s a PICNIC error.”

This one I know: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.

Manager: “Oh, dear.” *To the customer.* “That’s a pretty serious error, but we can have that fixed in a few hours. I’d suggest going to get something to eat and coming back after lunch?”

We’re walking distance to a mall, so this is a fair request.

Annoying Customer: “Fine, but my nut better be fixed by the time I get back!”

I don’t know how we held that laughter in until he left.

My coworker was able to diagnose the issue (software-related) and installed the fix within minutes. In his paperwork, he labelled it under 1D10T error.