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Enough To Make You (Star)Scream

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 28, 2021

I am playing a quiz game with my wife.  

Me: “Who is the leader of the Decepticons?”

Wife: “I don’t know. Evil Optimus Prime. Optimus Crime.”

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That Mother-In-Law Is A Special Brand

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2021

My wife is one of the most independent, driven, and hardworking people I’ve ever met, to the point where we make in-jokes about her being the submissive housewife because the concept is absolutely ludicrous. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I started a company and have a stylized version of my initials as the company logo. My wife then started working at the company with me, and it became such a large part of our lives that she chose to get the company logo as a tattoo on the back of her neck.

My mother-in-law has become pretty disillusioned with marriage due to her own experiences and has been pretty derogatory and insulting to our union, mainly making comments along the lines of, “Once this marriage ends…” etc.

This story occurs at a beach, several years into our marriage. Because the tattoo is in a fairly hidden place and the relationship is strained, it’s the first time that my mother-in-law has noticed my wife’s tattoo.

Mother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”

Wife: “What’s what?”

Mother-In-Law: “On the back of your neck! Is that a tattoo?!”

Wife: “Oh, that! Yeah, I got it a few years ago.”

My mother-in-law then turns and addresses me, and I will admit I’m a smarta**.

Mother-In-Law: “DID YOU F****** BRAND HER?!” 

Me: “Well, that ring can come off; that tattoo never will.”

This sends her into a rage, with lots of yelling and swearing, and eventually, she storms off. I am talking with my wife after.

Me: “Honestly, I don’t get how she thought I made you get the tattoo. I’m pretty sure the last time anyone made you do anything, you were in diapers.”

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One Caesar Salad, Hold The History Lecture

, , , | Related | June 13, 2021

My husband has a hard time answering simple “yes or no” questions, often feeling the need to give a grand explanation to his answer, and I have pointed this out to him many times out of frustration. I’m pregnant and getting random aversions or sensitivities to different smells and foods. For the last couple days, I’ve been really sensitive to seafood smells.

We both order Caesar salads before our meals, and while I do order this salad often, I’ve never known what ingredients are actually used to make it other than dressing, cheese, croutons, and the actual salad itself. Today, I notice a particular smell in the sauce that I have never noticed before.

Me: “Oh, wow. Is Caesar salad made with some type of fish in the sauce? I never noticed before.”

Husband: “The traditional Caesar salad was actually made way back in [date I can’t remember] and a true Caesar salad has ingredients like [list of ingredients I can’t remember]. Nowadays, small restaurants only have the basic ingredients like garlic, citrus, anchovies—”

Me: “Anchovies?”

Husband: “Yes, and—”

Me: “So, yes, then.”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “Yes, there is fish in this.”

He pauses.

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “That’s what I asked. Thank you.”

He silently pouted as he finished his salad.

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You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?

, , , , | Romantic | June 4, 2021

We live under the flight path of a nearby small airport. Once in a while, there is an unusual engine noise and we see a vintage plane of one type or another.

On Friday, it was very cloudy. I heard a plane flying quite low. I commented on that to my husband. He just looked at me.

Husband: “That’s a lawnmower.”

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Is It Smaller? Then It’s Not Wrong

, , , , | Romantic | May 27, 2021

My husband and I are folding laundry. He picks up an infant swaddler for our two-week-old baby. It’s an odd garment with a pouch and two wings.

Husband: “Honey, how do I fold this?”

Me: “Um… same way you fold a fitted sheet.”

He thought for a moment, rolled it into a wad, and set it on the stack.

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