Highway To Vinyl

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2018

(I’m browsing through a well-known bookstore that also has a music section. As I’m walking down one of the center aisles, I pass by a display advertising a special line of reprinted vinyl albums the store is bringing in for an event. There are three guys, all around fifteen or sixteen years old, standing in front of the display. I’m in my late twenties, but I’ve always appreciated classic rock, Motown, etc. As I walk by them, I hear this gem:)

Teenager #1: “This is cool!”

Teenager #2: “Yeah, I didn’t know AC/DC made vinyl!”

(Cue me stopping mid-step and swiveling my head around like a deranged owl. I’m trying to decide if I should say something or save myself the headache and keep walking.)

Teenager #3: “I guess they can put anything on vinyl these days.”

Me: *under my breath as I keep walking* “Nope, not worth it.”

(Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who heard them. I saw an employee on the other side of the aisle looking like he wanted to bang his head against the wall. Ah, youth.)

Putting The “Fun” Into “Funeral”

, , , , , , , | Related | October 23, 2018

I’ve been told my step-great-grandmother was always… an interesting woman. Since I was young, I didn’t know her extremely well, other than that she decorated every room of her house with a theme — bunnies, cats, red-white-and-blue, old-timey western store, etc. — and that she was insanely proud of her atrocious crabcakes that would make any Marylander weep.

When she died when I was in middle school, I had no idea what was waiting. My family packed up and drove three hours south for her funeral service, not knowing what she had planned. I was raised religious, but she wasn’t the same religion, so it was the first funeral I’d ever been to that would deviate from what I had learned as the usual.

Apparently her plans started with a bluegrass gospel band playing for about an hour, followed by stories from loved ones we never knew well. Hearing about anyone at a funeral is usually tear-jerking for me, even if I never really knew them, so I wasn’t handling the service great and just wanted to leave. Eventually it was wrapped up by an old friend of hers. He was a blind, one-armed man who played the harmonica and sang Battle Hymn of the Republic. I know it’s a bit insensitive and I’m not really proud of it today, but the blind man singing, “I have seen the glory,” was more than I could take and I snickered a bit. This set off my cousins just flat-out laughing, which earned them some less-than-enthused looks while they tried to disguise it as crying.

When I talked to other family members afterward, they found it odd, too, but pretty much all of them said, “Well… that’s Mary for you.” Everyone agreed that the entire thing, including the kids laughing, was exactly what she would have wanted.

She’s Singing The Wrong Tune

, , , | Right | October 3, 2018

(I work the front desk at a hotel. One guest wants to leave early, but is not happy that she will be responsible for the rest of her stay. She has been making random complaints all night, no doubt to try and get a refund for her “awful” stay. This is my favorite complaint from her.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Guest: “The music at the outdoor bar is too loud. No one’s out there anyway, so tell them to turn it off.”

Me: “I will certainly ask them to turn it down for you.

Guest: *getting angry* “You mean to say you can’t TELL them? You have to ASK?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have the authority to TELL anyone to do anything. Besides, we are not affiliated with that bar. The best I can do is ask them to turn their music down a bit.”

Guest: *laughs at me condescendingly, and spits a few insults before hanging up*

(The best part? The bar wasn’t playing any music.)

Throw In A Lil’ Humor

, , , , | Romantic | September 5, 2018

(My girlfriend and I are riding in the car when a mid-2000s era rap song comes on the radio, sung by a pair of famous rappers from the time.)

Girlfriend: “I wonder what happened to Lil’ Jon and Lil’ Wayne?”

Me: “They became Big Jon and Big Wayne, obviously.”

(She didn’t find it as funny as I did.)

I Listen To Classical Metal

, , , , | Working | August 2, 2018

(I’m a huge music nerd with a wide variety of interests, so I’ll play Beethoven, Metallica, Broadway, big band music, opera, etc., while listening to music. My coworker thinks I’m more conservative than that because she knows I have season tickets to the symphony. On this day, we’re standing in line to get food when a song I like comes on the loudspeaker. I start rapping along.)

Coworker: “[My Name], you know the words to this?!”

Me: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “That’s awesome! I didn’t think you’d listen to something like this.”

Me: “I’ve told you for months that I like more than Mozart.”

Coworker: “I guess you do.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell her I learned it from “Pitch Perfect.”)

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