Being Married Has A Nice Ring(Tone) To It

, , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2019

I am working as a cashier in a pet store, ringing up a frequent customer, when his mobile rings. The ring tone is a clip from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” 

When he answers it with, “Hi, honey,” I realize that it is his wife calling, who is also here frequently.

I held it together until he left, and then I burst out laughing.

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A National Irony

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2019

While on break from a statewide high school ceremony, my family got to watch as several hundred people were officially made US citizens at the courthouse across the street. It was a very moving ceremony for not only the participants, but we spectators were reminded of the greatness of this country and the spirit of the American dream.

At the conclusion of the ceremony, the participants were paraded out to a very American Bruce Springsteen song. My daughter asked me why I was laughing. 

“Because,” I said, “none of these folks were Born in the USA.”

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A Load Of Bad Songs

, , , , | Right | September 23, 2019

(I work in the electronics department at a chain retail store. I am helping an excited middle-aged woman pick out her first MP3 player. I pull out several in the price range she is looking for and begin to explain. She immediately cuts me off.)

Customer: *picking up a small square MP3 player* “I like this one and I love the color. The only issue is that it doesn’t have a screen. How will I know if I should skip a song?”

Me: “You could always listen to the beginning of the song and if it’s not one that you want to listen to you can skip to the next song.”

Customer: “But what about the songs I don’t like?”

Me: *very confused* “Well, as this is for you, I’m assuming you will only be loading songs that you like onto it, correct?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then you won’t have to worry about it if you’re only going to load songs that you like.”

Customer: “Yeah, but what about the ones I don’t like?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

Customer: *getting louder and more irritated* “What do I do about the songs I don’t like?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I just said, if you’re only going to be putting songs that you like onto the MP3 player, then you don’t have to worry about songs you don’t like.”

Customer: *throwing her hands up* “I give up. You don’t understand! I’m going to find someone else!”

(She then stormed off to find someone else in electronics. Unfortunately for her, I was the only one working in the department that day.)

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The Oldies Top Forty

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 21, 2019

(My partner and I are both Generation X. We’re in the car listening to the radio.)

DJ: ”…and tune in this weekend when we play all the songs from the 80s you grew up with! This is [callsign], your favorite Internet oldies station!” *starts playing U2*

Me: *disgruntled* “I really wish they’d stop calling 80s music ‘oldies.’ It’s not!”

Partner: “Well, it was almost forty years ago.” 

Me: *doing the math and finding no way around it* “Shut up.”

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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

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