Couldn’t Dial Up The Right Song

, , , | Working | January 16, 2019

(A former coworker of mine was quite the office flirt. One day, the two of us and a new girl are sitting together at lunch and I decide to be a bit of a smart aleck.)

Coworker: *to new girl* “Hey, do you like dubstep?”

Me: “I don’t know why you like that stuff. If I wanted to listen to a dial-up modem, I’d go back to the 90s.”

Coworker: “You know what, [My Name]?! Dubstep does not sound like a dial-up modem!” *to the new girl* “Let me show you.”

(He opens up a music app on his phone and selects a dubstep station. In a beautiful coincidence, it randomly selects a song that starts with the actual sound of a dial-up modem. The new girl and I can’t contain our laughter while our coworker turns red.)

Coworker: “G**D*** IT!”

Tangled Up In Bobs

, , , , | Learning | January 15, 2019

(I’m a high school teacher, and I’m also the advisor for a music appreciation club at my school. At the beginning of each club meeting, everyone gets a turn to talk about the music they’re currently listening to.)

Student #1: “I’ve been listening to Tangled Up in Blue by… um… Bob Marley?”

Me: “Bob Dylan!”

Student #2: “Two very different artists…”

(Various murmurs of agreement.)

Student #3: “Maybe we can get Bob Marley to do a cover of it.”

Me: “If you bring him back from the dead, sure!”

The Most Christmassy Christmas Since Christ Was Born

, , , , , , , | Working | December 27, 2018

(My office is set up in pods of four. On my pod, there is a Christian who is a Christmas fanatic, [Coworker #1], an atheist Christmas fanatic, [Coworker #2], a devout Christian, [Coworker #3], and me, an atheist who doesn’t particularly like the festive period. It’s the week before Christmas, so naturally, my office is playing Christmas songs. “Mary’s Boy Child” has just finished playing.)

Coworker #1: “Oh, thank heavens. I don’t like that one.”

Coworker #2: “Oh, I don’t really like it very much, either.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker #2: “It’s a bit dreary in terms of notes for me.”

Coworker #1: “It just isn’t Christmassy, at all!”

(I slowly look up to look at [Coworker #2], who’s looking extremely confused at [Coworker #1]. I look at [Coworker #1], who is typing away.)

Me: “The opening lyrics are, ‘Mary’s boy child, Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day. And man will live for evermore, because of Christmas Day.’ It’s been the most Christmassy song played today.”

([Coworker #1] pauses in typing as she digests what I’ve just said. [Coworker #2] starts laughing. [Coworker #3] comes back from the printer at this point and looks perplexed.)

Coworker #2: “The Atheist Scrooge knows more about a religious Christmas song than [Coworker 1]!”

Coworker #3: *incredulously* “How?!”

Me: “Atheist Scrooge went to [Christian School] and was part of the school choir. She also was not always a Scrooge.”

Rocking On After Christmas

, , , | Right | December 26, 2018

(After Christmas, we have a huge amount of extra, outdated marketing, holiday trash, and used palettes in the back room. I assign two employees to sort through it, setting aside anything recyclable, and to pile up the palettes near the loading dock for pickup. It’s a nice day, so they have the doors to the loading dock open and classic rock playing. A customer comes up to me on the sales floor, completely irate.)

Customer: “Excuse me. The boys in the back room are playing offensive rock music. As a Christian, I am so offended! You should fire them!”

Me: “I’ll look into it. Where could you hear the music?”

Customer: “By the doors!”

Me: “The doors to the loading dock?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Sir, that area is behind a gate, off-limits to customers.”

Customer: “Oh, that was what they said, too!”

Me: “Let me look into this for you.”

(I head to the back and talk to my employees. The guy had squeezed through the chained gate and had snuck through the back doors when the back room employees caught him. He said he was trying to take the palettes from the back room, and had gotten angry when he was told to leave. He hadn’t mentioned the music to them, which was at a moderate level. The man had left the store by the time I finished talking to the employees, so I filled in security and gave a description of the man. I was still in the store after close, along with one security guard, who suddenly glanced at the cameras and sprung to action. A man had squeezed through the chained gate again and was trying to jimmy open the back doors — security cameras caught him in the act of forcing the lock. It was the previous music complainer! This taught me to take customer complaints with a grain of salt. Had I taken a music complaint at face value, I might not have caught a would-be thief!)

It’s A Christmas Carol Miracle

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2018

(I am a cashier and it’s Christmas time. For some reason, we can’t hear the music at the tills so, trying to stay sane, I’m singing Christmas carols. My coworkers are having fun bugging me about my singing — “You’re scaring the customers out of the store,” “My ears are bleeding,” etc. On my lunch, I grab some things I need and go through the till. I pay, and the till freezes. Normally it just takes a minute to unfreeze, and in that time we get into the habit of threatening the computer.)

Me: “If you don’t start working, I’ll kick you, and I’m wearing my steel toes.”

Coworker: “Not scary enough.”

Me: “I’ll start singing again.”

(The computer instantly starts working.)

Coworker: *laughing* “Now that’s scary!”

Page 1/1312345...Last