This One Is A Wild Card

, , , | Right | January 4, 2020

Me: Thank you for calling [Utility Company]. My name is [My Name].”

Customer: “I am calling because I cancelled my credit card and you are using it to pay one of my accounts. I need help figuring out which one it is so I can change the card number.”

Me: “I would be happy to help! I can tell you [Utility Company] does not keep any credit card info on file for any reason. We use the customer’s bank information — the routing and account number.”

Customer: “So, how do I delete the card from your system?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it is not there to delete. We don’t keep anyone’s credit card info on file, ever.”

Customer: “So, how do I figure out which account you are using to pay the bill?”

Me: *facepalm* “Ma’am, what I am telling you is that we do not have your card information, or anyone’s card information for that matter. There is none to find as we never keep any card numbers on file.”

Customer: *angrily as she feels she has me caught in a lie* “Well, it shows here on my statement that you are taking payments from my card!”

Me: *calmly and politely* “Ma’am, we keep no credit card info in our system. Each time a customer makes a payment with a credit card they give us the number and we enter it manually. No credit card info is ever kept on file. There is no place to look for it and no information to delete or update because it is not in our system.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?!” *click*

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The Ring Is Now Measured In Roentgens, Not Carats

, , , , , | Working | December 29, 2019

My partner’s father works for a multinational company that fits fire detection equipment, not your standard home or small business detectors but sophisticated multi-sensor systems for large companies, industrial complexes, etc. He’s worked all over the country in everything from steel foundries to naval bases.

He was recently tasked with fitting some new systems at one of the UK’s nuclear sites as part of a team of eight technicians. Due to some of what they were installing actually being inside the housings for a reactor, they were briefed ahead of time on the more unique dangers of working in a potentially radioactive environment. The one thing that stood out was a warning to consider removing wedding rings or other items of significant value; upon leaving the site, anything that registered as radioactive would be retained by the site and sent to deep storage as radioactive waste until pretty much the end of time.

There were eight technicians, seven went in wearing no jewelry, and one decided to carry on wearing his wedding ring. When they exited the site that evening, three of them had items flagged as very slightly radioactive. Two of them went home without their boiler suits, and one of them went home without his boiler suit or his wedding ring. His wife was not impressed.

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Maybe Someone Got Fired For That  

, , , , , | Working | December 28, 2019

(My family lives in a part of California that has been subjected to power shutoffs by our power company, in the name of safety concerns. Before the most recent shutoff, my daughter receives this phone alert:)

Alert: “Hello, this is [Huge Power Company] with an important message… Goodbye.” *click*

(A bit ominous, no?)

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A Sale That Took So Long You Graduated And Became An Adult

, , , , , | Working | October 8, 2019

(I’m working on a project at home when someone knocks on the door. I answer, and it’s someone with a clipboard and a jumpsuit from [Electric Company]. Note: I’m in my 20s and own the house.)

Salesman: “Hi there. Is [Name] home?”

Me: “No?”

Salesman: “Oh, okay. Is your mom home?”

Me: “My mom is dead. And before you ask, no, my dad isn’t here.”

Salesman: “So, they just left a child home alone?!”

Me: “Sir, I own this house. I pay the utilities. I’m very much an adult.”

Salesman: “Oh, then let me tell you about—”

Me: “Stop right there. Do you think I’m going to at all be interested in your services now?”

Salesman: “But we’re cheaper than [Current Electric Provider]!”

Me: “Actually, I looked into it when I bought the house. They’re cheaper and have far better customer service. Please don’t come back.”

(I shut the door in his face. A few hours later, I get a knock on my door again. The same salesman is back.)

Me: “Sir, what could you possibly be offering that I haven’t already said no to?”

Salesman: “Well, we offer a student discount! You could save even more—”

Me: “I’m not a student.”

Salesman: “Of course you are! We offer—”

Me: “Sir, I asked you not to come back. You’ve instead returned to harass me more.”

Salesman: “I’m just trying to save you money!”

(My dog, a very large German Shepherd, decides to poke his head out between me and the doorframe. He apparently doesn’t like the salesman, either, and starts growling.)

Salesman: “I, uh, will mark you down as not interested!”

(He didn’t come back.)

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Working In Billing Is Not Their Calling

, , , , | Working | August 3, 2019

(My mother has become ill, and I have to take over her finances. I call all of the utilities to have them send the bills directly to me. This works fine for all but one company.)

Me: “I would like to change the address of the bills so that I can pay them for my mother.”

Customer Representative: “She has to call us.”

Me: “She is in the hospital and can’t be reached. I can answer all of your security questions.”

Customer Representative: “She has to call us.”

Me: “So, you just need a female voice? I can have my girlfriend get on the phone.”

Customer Representative: “She has to call us.”

Me: *frustrated* “Okay, then please make a note in the file that, from now on, all the bills will be paid late, because I only come down here every couple of weeks.”

(Long pause.)

Customer Representative: “Okay, where did you want the bills sent to?”

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