The Milk Is Fresh But The Customers Are Spoiled

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: Penguin-mum | March 10, 2021

My Dad was a milkman for around twenty-five years, in the days when most people had bottles of milk delivered to their doorsteps. He used to deliver seven mornings a week, starting around 5 am, then go out Thursday and Friday evenings collecting the money.

One winter evening he knocks on the kitchen door of one house. The wife opens the door and steps out.

Wife: “I’m just on my way out, but he’ll pay you.”

She points to her husband, who is sitting on the far side of the kitchen by the fire. My Dad looks at the husband, the husband looks at Dad.

Husband: “No, I’m too warm by this fire, I’m not moving. Come back tomorrow.”

Dad: “Come on, stop mucking around. I want to get home tonight.”

Husband: Adamant. “No, I’m too cosy. Come back tomorrow.”

At 5.30 am the next morning, my Dad is standing on their front doorstep, thumping on their door as hard as he can:

Dad: “Morning! Milko! I’ve come for the money.”

He can hear them starting shouting indoors:

Wife: “You go down.”

Husband: “I’m not going down.”

Wife: “You were the one who wouldn’t bloody pay him!”

Eventually, the wife opens the door and hands the money to Dad. As she does so, she looks him straight in the eye and just says:

Wife: “You Sod!”

The money was always waiting for him at that house after that.

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You Must Be New Here

, , , , | Romantic | March 6, 2021

Husband: “What is your email address?”

Me: “First initial, last name, and the month and day of my birthday.”

Husband: “How do you spell that?”

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Just Wait For All This To Blow Over

, , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2021

Me: “If I was bitten by a zombie, what would you do?”

Husband: “Shhhhh… Wait? What kind of zombie? Shaun Of The Dead, World War Z or Night Of The Living Dead zombie?”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because World War Z zombies are fast, Shaun Of The Dead zombies can be trained, and Night Of The Living Dead zombies are slow.”

Me: “Um, Shaun Of The Dead.”

Husband: “I’d probably do what he did with Nick Frost at the end: train you to play video games with me. If you had picked one of the other two I would shoot you. Repeatedly. In the face.”

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How To Start A Pillow Fight In Six Words Or Less

, , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2021

My family is taking a redeye flight across the country. The plane has a two-five-two seating configuration and I am sitting on the side with our older daughter while my wife sits directly behind us with our younger girl.

When I sit down, I look around for pillows and can’t find any, so I call a flight attendant.

Me: “Are there any more pillows available?”

Attendant: “I’m sorry, sir, but they are all given out.”

At this point, my spouse leans forward with her pillow and offers it.

Attendant: “This lady said you can have this one.”

Me: *Without hesitation* “That’s no lady; that’s my wife.”

Attendant: *To my spouse* “He’s been waiting forever to use that, hasn’t he?”

It took me several years to live that one down.

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These Puns Are Criminal

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2021

My husband and I are lying in bed, having our usual pre-sleep recap of our days.

Husband: “[Boss] was giving us an overview of the candidates coming in for interviews. He said one of them gave him a bad vibe, said he came across as condescending.”

Me: “Ahh, condescending. The opposite of gentleman-ascending.”

Husband: *Long pause* “Shut up.”

Me: *Giggling wildly* “Hey, honey? What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!”

He rolled over in bed and pretended to fall asleep. I continued giggling. Unfortunately, I can’t even say my horrible jokes were due to a late hour; this is just my sense of humor. You’d think he would be used to it after eight years together.

This story is part of the International Joke Day roundup!

Read the next International Joke Day roundup story!

Read the International Joke Day roundup!

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