They’re Ignoring The Biggest Extra-Life That The World Can Give Them

, , , , , , | Related | June 12, 2018

Back when I worked at a gaming company as in-game support, one parent in a divorce filed a complaint with us about the other parent harassing them.

This is pretty common: lots of people meet in-game, fall in love, marry, and then fall out of love after finding out what living with this person’s like, or that moving across the country and getting a new job was a bigger problem than anticipated.

I quickly discovered this wasn’t the case here; these were two parents whose relationship predated the game. I knew this, because chat logs between the two parents were primarily angry discussions about their eight-year-old son and who’d get custody rights.

It turns out, neither parent wanted custody, since raising the child would detract from their game time. Interspersed with these awful parents trying to disown their son was the occasional message from said son, who would ask one parent or the other for help with homework or if he could help with dinner. Both parents would dismiss the child regularly.

I got this petition at three am. It took me half an hour to find the specific comment that my petitioner found worthy of complaint. I filed the petition as quickly as I could, then called my girlfriend to tell her how much I loved her.

They’ll Be Indebted To You

, , , | Related | June 8, 2018

(My mother has recently divorced my step-father.)

Man: “Hello, this is [Debt Collector Office]. I’m looking for Mr. [Ex-Stepdad].”

Me: *tired of explaining to every single caller* “Sorry, there is no one here by that name.”

Man: “Oh, isn’t this [my phone number]?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, it is, but the man you are looking for doesn’t live here… anymore.”

Man: “Do you happen to have his contact details? I really need to get a hold of him. You know, he really is in huge debt, and it can cause a lot of problems if I can’t find him.”

Me: *now intrigued, as we never knew in how much financial s*** he actually was in* “Huge debt, you say?”

Man: “Yes, it really needs to be handled! Do you have any idea how to get a hold of him?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know his exact address, but he lives in [City] now. There are two under that name over there, as his father lives there, too, and he has the same first and last name, so you need to have [Ex-Stepdad] Junior. And do me one favour: make sure you find him. I’ll be laughing my a** off if he goes bankrupt.”

Man: “Don’t worry about that. Trust me, this debt is huuuuuge. Thanks a lot for the help! We might be able to find him now!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

Trash-Talking Your Ex

, , , , , | | Related | May 23, 2018

My parents recently divorced and my mom moved out as a consequence. Both of my parents were pretty down about it and relatively hostile towards each other, which put a lot of strain on me and my siblings.

One day my mom was visiting us children, eating a small snack with us at the table, while my dad was sitting on the sofa a few metres away. I went to the calendar hung on the wall to check for an appointment and realised that my dad had reassigned the row showing my mom’s appointments to instead show when each kind of trash was emptied by the city; however, the top row with her name was written in non-erasable pen.

That seemed like such a typical thing that a divorced couple would do out of spite that I broke down laughing hard, because my dad absolutely didn’t intend it to be malicious; he put it there simply because my mom used to take care of the trash and there was space. Of course my mom came to look at what was so funny and broke down laughing, too.

When my dad walked over, too, she joked about how insulted she was about being used as a trash reminder and he joked back that she deserved it. Consequently, my whole family spent a quarter hour laughing and wheezing on the floor. I think that moment saved our relationship as a family; that day was the first time they had talked with each other in person, not over text or asking us to relay messages. In the following days and weeks they started handling each other with a lot less tension and apologized for putting us between them. I’m very glad for that silly little coincidence.

Divorce On Course

, , , | Romantic | May 12, 2018

(My best friend has finally made the decision to leave her husband. She has been wanting to for about a year, but kept trying to make it work, which has failed. She records the actual break-up conversation and shows it to me. And I just have to share.)

Husband: *enters kitchen*

Wife: “Hey, [Husband], would you please come sit at the table with me for a moment? We need to talk.”

Husband: “Okaaaay.”

(He sits down slowly, obviously confused by her tone.)

Wife: “We’ve been married nearly three years now.”

Husband: “Yes, best three years of my life, Honey Bunny.”

Wife: “Uh-huh… See, that’s where we differ.”

Husband: “What are you talking about?”

Wife: “On our wedding day, I promised to love and respect you. And you also made that promise to me.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s how wedding vows work.”

Wife: “Uh-huh. But I’m the only one that kept that promise.”

Husband: *jumping from his chair* “What the hell are y—”

Wife: “I’m still speaking.” *she gives him a scary “shut up” look and he sits back in his chair* “After we were married, you begged me to quit my job. It was an amazing job, that I loved, that I was good at, and that was about to give me an amazing promotion. I quit it, for you. Then, we had to sell my vehicle, because without my job, we couldn’t afford repairs. Then I got pregnant. And when I was six months pregnant, we just had to move. Because the state we had to move to is the only state that had the specific health facilities you needed. So, I gave birth with a doctor I barely knew, surrounded by strangers. Except for you, obviously. But then you went home, and I was alone and exhausted taking care of a newborn at the hospital for three days. Visits from you were quick and brief. I didn’t even have a cell phone of my own, so I had no one to talk to. And then you decided that we just had to move again, twelve hours away, four days after I had just given birth. Our daughter is now a year and a half old, and you have changed a total of two diapers, and made maybe five bottles, and never without complaint. For the last two years, I don’t think I’ve had a single orgasm. I’ve even told you, begged you, to put more effort into our love life. Instead, you tell me to ‘take care of it myself’ while you use me as a personal human masturbator. You always achieve release and receive many oral favors, never giving anything in return. I feel like a blow-up doll. Since our daughter was born, you constantly talk down on me like I’m stupid, despite the fact that you’re usually wrong. I’ve pointed this out many times. You act as if you own me. I’m not allowed to wear certain clothes, get an actual job, or even see my family that moved across the country to live in the same town as us. I could probably go on, but I’ve made my point. I don’t like you, and I want a divorce. You can still be a father; I’d prefer it if you would. I’m not going to punish a child because our marriage didn’t work. Any questions?”

Husband: *has been silently crying and staring down at the table* “We could try couples counseling.”

Wife: “I thought of that, too. But, you know what? I’ve pointed out most of these issues a million times. A couple of them put me into a rage-filled depression. That’s a weird emotion to have. Even if counseling did help, why would I stay with someone that has to be told, by someone other than me, the exact same things I already told him? You’re not a child I’m going to go tattle on every time you do something I already told you not to do. This is an emotionally controlling marriage, and I’m tired of it. I will not have my daughter see this marriage as her example of what to expect. I’d have her live to be an old spinster, alone, if it meant she could avoid wasting years on misery like this.”

Husband: “You’re going to regret leaving me.”

Wife: “Hmm. No, I’m not. There’s another thing I forgot to mention. My sister has a lot of friends; she’s very popular, you know. Well, one of her many friends sent her this.”

(She pulls up a picture on her phone. It’s a screenshot of a message conversation with his cell number, with pictures of him. ALL of him. He just stares blankly at the phone.)

Wife: “So… I’ve been planning on leaving for a while. This just kind of makes it all the more easier. This is how it’s going to work: I had to quit my job and stay home with our child, so I have no money. You make pretty good money and made it your mission to not let me have a penny. You’re going to pay alimony only long enough for me to get a job and a place. Once that’s done, no more alimony. But then, you’ll pay child support. Nothing extravagant, just enough to help a little. And if you want to be a father, just let me know. We can set up a schedule to share. But I have to know of every person you bring around our child. If you bring in a ‘Buddy’ or girlfriend before introducing them to me, you won’t see your daughter. Don’t worry; you won’t have to pay support if you don’t see her. That seems a bit cruel to me.”

Husband: “I don’t have the money to support you.”

Wife: “There it is again: you thinking I’m stupid. You get a specific set amount of money every month, and all the bills combined don’t even use up a quarter of it. That’s why you spend insane amounts of money on things you’ll never use again. I do the taxes, budgeting, and bills, dumba**. Everything is well-documented. You try to hide away anything, I’ll know, and I’ll report it. I’m not demanding the house, and I’m not demanding extreme amounts of money. I’m demanding the bare minimum of what I’m due after wasting three years on you.”

(I was already headed over to pick up her and her daughter. They didn’t have that many belongings, since he didn’t like to spend money on them, so it was quick to load up and go. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep, people. Respect your life partner.)

Make It An Ex-Pun

, , , , , | Romantic | March 7, 2018

(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)

Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog]. Goody.”

Best Friend: “That’s rough.”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Best Friend: “Not intentionally, but it works, so I’ll claim it.”

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