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Don’t Mind Us, Just Casually Divorcing Here

, , , , | Legal | June 16, 2022

A few years ago, my ex-husband and I went through a pretty amicable divorce. The initial decision was tough, of course, but after separating, we both agreed it was the right choice. I don’t know about every state, but in ours, you have to be legally separated — living at separate addresses! — for one year and one day in order to proceed with a divorce petition. Don’t even get me started on how hard this makes it for some people, depending on their situation.

So, our year and a day passed and we got a court date. Since we’d already agreed on how we’d split our small list of assets (no children involved, which made the process easier) in our separation agreement, we represented ourselves at the courthouse for the filings and then for the final decree. In total, it was five different visits to different government offices over the course of a few months. Every place we went, we got the strangest looks from the staff because we were doing this together. I’m sure that is rare, but at one office, we had to spell it out several times before the clerk would take the paperwork. She kept assuming we wanted to get married, not divorced.

The funniest encounter, though, was when our “summons” documents were ready to announce our final court date. I was the one who filed for the divorce, so I was the plaintiff and my ex-husband was the defendant. The summons for the defendant had to go out one of two ways: delivery by special messenger and signed for upon receipt, or delivery by an officer of the law. At the time, he worked twelve-hour shifts and couldn’t wait around for a special messenger, not knowing what day it would arrive. I asked if I could just hand it to him and was explicitly told that would be illegal and would force us to start the process over again.

Instead, we went to the summons window, the clerk handed me the summons, and we went to the police department window on the other end of the room. With both of us standing right there, I handed the summons to a cop, who signed that he’d received it and then turned and handed it to my ex-husband. The whole time, we could tell the cop was trying to keep a straight face. We thanked him and managed to make it outside before we lost it. It was one of those situations where we were coming out of the stress of making the decision to divorce and were so frustrated by the red tape that we just had to laugh.

Everything went fine after that, and our divorce was finalized in February of 2020. In March of 2020, our entire state went on lockdown and the government offices closed. If we’d waited just a couple of weeks in our scheduling of everything, we likely wouldn’t have been able to get everything finished for another year. I felt so bad for the people stuck in that process limbo.

Best To Just Glide Straight To The Return

, , , , | Right Romantic | June 15, 2022

I am working at the returns desk. A guest comes up to return some “personal lubricant.”

Me: *Following the script* “So, was there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “I bought this hoping it would save my marriage, but we’re separated now.”

Thankfully, it was unopened, so I was able to just go through the script to complete the return.

No Need To Ex-Plain

, , , , , , | Right Romantic | June 13, 2022

A customer comes to my station.

Customer #1: “Can you check a couple of balances for me? My phone won’t connect to the online banking app for some reason.”

Me: “Of course, sir. Can I see your ID and the account numbers?”

He hands me his ID and a slip of paper with a checking and savings account number. I pull the accounts and verify he is a co-owner on both. I also see a second savings account that he did not include in his list.

Me: “Okay, so the checking account has [amount less than $5], and the savings account listed has [amount greater than $1,000].”

The customer exhales.

Customer #1: “Wow. Okay. That’s why my debit card didn’t work. At least the savings is correct. Thank goodness she didn’t touch that.”

Me: “Do you want the balance of the second savings?”

Customer #1: “No, that’s not mine.”

He explains to me that he is getting divorced, and he is concerned that his ex will clean out all the accounts. The second savings is hers, so he’s not interested in that. But he wants to protect the money left in his account, since she’s cleaned out the checking.

Me: “I can open a new savings with just your name, transfer the funds out of the old account, and then close it. Would that work?”

Customer #1: “Definitely. Thank you! So, this old savings number won’t work?”

Me: “Correct. Do you want a separate checking, as well?”

Customer #1: “Yes, but not today. Can I come back for it?”

Me: “Of course, sir. Let’s get your savings taken care of.”

I open a new savings, transfer his money over, close the old one, and send him on his way. He is insistent that we not touch the old checking or the second savings. A couple of days later, he returns.

Me: “Oh, hi, [Customer #1]. How are you?”

Customer #1: “Good, thanks! Can I still open that checking account in just my name?”

Me: “Yes! Come on over and I’ll get you set.”

He takes a step toward my station, but a woman steps in front of him.

Customer #2: “I was here first. You serve me first.”

Me: “Ma’am, you just cut in front of another customer. Now, please go to the back of the line.”

Customer #1: “It’s okay. I’m in no hurry.”

[Customer #1] has a smirk on his face. [Customer #2] whirls around, stares at him, and then turns back around with a red face. The coworker next to me messages me that she is available to open an account, so I send [Customer #1] to her so that he does not have to wait. Elapsed time: about sixty seconds. [Customer #2] rolls her eyes.

Customer #2: “Are you ready to do your job now?”

I bite back a snide remark.

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer #2: “I need all the money in this savings transferred into my checking account.”

She hands me her ID and a savings account number that looks familiar. I pull it up and realize it is the savings account that [Customer #1] closed two days ago. The ID matches the second name on the account. If you guessed it, congratulations… [Customer #2] is his ex.

Me: “Ma’am, that savings has a zero balance and is closed.”

Customer #2: “Excuse me? I did not authorize that!”

I am restricted from disclosing who closed it. I can, however, drop a hint…

Me: “This account had two people on it, correct? So, in that case, only one of the account owners is required to be present to close it. I’d check with that second person.”

[Customer #1] turns, grins at her, and waves. She lets out an annoyed yell.

Customer #2: “Useless! Fine. Is the other savings account still there?”

Me: “It is.”

Customer #2: “I want a new savings in just my name, and I want the remaining money from the other savings and the checking transferred into it. Can you handle that?”

Me: “I can.”

I take care of this for her. When it’s complete, she grabs her paperwork and stomps out. My coworker and I just stare at each other.

Customer #1: “And now you both see why she’s my ex.”

He thanked us profusely, calmly collected his paperwork, and exited.

Why Would Anyone Want To Divorce Such A Sweetheart?

, , , | Related | June 8, 2022

My husband and I are driving to the grocery store when his narcissistic mother calls. My husband answers the phone on Bluetooth.

Husband: “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “Hi. What are you doing?”

Husband: “We’re going grocery shopping.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh.”

There’s a pause, followed by a long, dramatic sigh.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, I was going to tell you next time you came home, but I guess I’ll tell you now. Daddy and I are getting a divorce.”

My husband and I exchange a glance. [Mother-In-Law] married [Father-In-Law] nearly thirty years ago when they found out she was pregnant, and she has blamed him for ruining her life ever since. Their divorce is a genuine relief.

Husband: *Unbothered* “Oh, okay.”

Mother-In-Law: “You don’t care? We’re getting a divorce!”

Husband: “Mom, you hate him. He’s miserable. It’s probably really good.”

Mother-In-Law: *Angry* “Well, I’m glad you’re so well versed in healthy relationships! I stayed with him for you and your siblings, not for me.”

Husband: “Okay, Mom.”

Mother-In-Law: “Do you know how hard it is to be with someone who always asks where you were, who you were with, and when you’re coming home? How hard it has been for me to wait for you and your siblings to grow up so I could finally have my own life?”

Husband: *Disbelieving tone* “Mom, that’s exactly how you ran our lives. “

Mother-In-Law: *Screaming* “Well, excuse me for caring about you!”

Husband: “Mom, I’m not going to do this.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay! I see who you’re siding with. Fine! Don’t come home for the holidays. You won’t be welcome!”

Husband: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I guess [My Name] and I will make other plans.”

Mother-In-Law: “This is family; she is not! Do not tell her anything! Do you understand me?”

Husband: “You’re on speaker, Mom.”

She hung up. It’s been about a year since that call. We haven’t seen [Mother-In-Law] once, but we have spent a lot of time with [Father-In-Law]. He is much happier without her.

Giving Candy To A Child Never Tasted So Bitter

, , , , , , , | Right Romantic | June 3, 2022

A very tired-looking father and his hyperactive young son approach my counter.

Child: “Dad! Look! Candies! I want them all!”

Dad: “Sure thing, sport.”

Child:Yeaaaaah! I want all of them!”

Dad: “Go for it.”

The dad looks at me, looking at the hyper child who definitely does not need more sugar.

Dad: “I have joint custody with a total witch. She’s picking him up in an hour.”