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What Did That Poor Machine Ever Do To You?!

, , , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2021

Early one morning, I go to the local hospital to have an outpatient procedure that involves general anaesthetic. My husband drives me home afterward and heads back to work. After I recover sufficiently, I decide to get a few small chores done.

That evening, my husband comes home to find me busy mopping up a small lake on the kitchen floor.

Me: “You know that paper they sent home with me that said I would be legally impaired for the next twenty-four hours and that I shouldn’t operate heavy machinery?”

Husband: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well, apparently, that includes washing machines.”

This Husband Must Love Being Deployed

, , , , , , , , , | Right | November 16, 2021

I work in a government-sponsored credit union department. I deal with approving loans and financing credit availability to soldiers and their military families for big-ticketed retail items like furniture, electronics, or fine jewelry.

I’m manning the credit desk when [Military Wife] comes in. [Military Wife] is dressed to the nines, dripping in jewelry, and sporting a designer handbag.

I then look at the three kids she drags in and gasp to myself. They are so dirty! They have food stuck to their T-shirts and dirt on their faces, and their clothes are not laundered and are full of holes. They look like they could be poster kids for child protective services. As the three kids decide that my office is the place to start beating the crap out of each other, [Military Wife] ignores them and approaches my desk.

Military Wife: “Hello. I need to upgrade my credit by $4,000 because I want to trade in my diamond earrings for bigger ones.”

Me: “Let me see what I can do.”

I check my computer. Meanwhile, the kids are very nearly imitating a bar fight, minus some thrown furniture, and [Military Wife] is doing nothing about it.

Me: “I’m sorry but the extension on the credit offered is only for $1,000. Three months ago, we extended your credit by $5,000 and you’ve already exceeded that amount.”

Military Wife: “Oh, it’s okay. Just have them raise it up another $4,000. My husband’s credit is good. That shouldn’t be a problem.”

Me: “I can’t just do that, ma’am. I have to make some calls because they are allowing up to $1,000 only.”

I call the main branch office and am put on hold. During this time, the kids are now hurting each other, if the screaming and wailing are to be believed. [Military Wife] doesn’t lift a finger to break it up, just tells them to be quieter, as the phone call is important for Mommy’s business. She is ignored.

There’s a very loud crash and I turn around and look her in the eyes.

Me: “Ma’am, you need to physically break up your children or I will hang up and call base police to remove all of you.”

She huffs and finally does so, separating the kids, who look like they’ll have bruises and swelling in the very near future.

The main branch finally gets in touch with the husband who is the main account holder and puts him on the line.

Me: “Hello, General, sir, I apologize for bothering you at work, but your wife is here and wants to raise your credit limit another $4,000, and we are calling you for approval.”

General: *Vehemently* “Tell her no! She’s putting me into the poor house! She’s already putting me in debt! The answer is no!”

I explain this to [Military Wife], who is absolutely not having it and grabs the phone.

Military Wife: “Listen, I want those earrings! I need bigger earrings! The answer is yes! I don’t care what you say! I deserve nice things!”

I don’t hear her husband’s answer, but the rage on her face says it all. Discovering that she is not going to get her way, she hangs up the phone.

Military Wife: “Just ignore him. Just raise it up anyway.”

Me: *Politely* “I’m sorry, but since he is the main account holder, he has to approve the credit increase, so my hands are tied. We won’t be able to grant your request.”

Military Wife: “But I’m the wife! I’m telling you to raise up that credit! You can do something!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no, we can’t.”

Military Wife: “Fine! I’ll take my business elsewhere. There are other credit unions that will grant me an increase.”

She grabbed her sniffling kids and left in a huff. The office was in shambles, and it was a wonder there was no blood anywhere.

Sadly, I’m all too familiar with scenarios like these. I can’t begin to tell you how many soldiers return overseas and discover that their wives (soon-to-be ex-wives) have run up their credit and put them in debt while they were away fighting.

Go To Bed Before Your Brain Blows

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 15, 2021

My husband and I have both been playing on our computers before bed. I go into his office to say goodnight. 

Me: “All right, babe, I’m heading on to bed because I’m falling asleep trying to read this webcomic. I love you! Goodnight!”

Husband: “I’m almost done here. Should be five minutes or so and I’ll join you.”

Me: “Awesome.”

As I walk out the door, I notice he still has a scented candle lit. As he often forgets such things, I begin to lean forward to blow the candle out. Before I can complete the motion, my husband speaks. 

Husband: “Kiss?”

I turn towards him, but instead of kissing him, I blow forcefully on his mouth!

Husband: “What. Wait. Why?!”

Me: *Laughing uproariously* “I was about to blow out the candle when you said, ‘Kiss?’ and so I just… blew in your face, instead! I’m so sorry! You are not a candle!”

Husband: “Yeah, you do definitely need to head on to bed! Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got the candle.”

He did not, in fact, remember to blow the candle out! Thankfully, nothing caught fire overnight, and his office did smell wonderful the next day.

You Don’t Choose The Cat; The Cat Chooses You

, , , , , | Romantic | November 6, 2021

In late 2019, a scrawny orange cat started showing up in my yard. 

Me: “Did you see the new cat?”

Husband: “No new cats. Two is enough.”

Me: “I’m not saying I want him—”

Husband: “But you do.”

Me: “Well…”

Husband: “No new cats. You can feed him when he comes around but don’t attract any more wildlife.”

I set out a small bowl of food every time I see the cat. When winter comes, the orange cat sleeps on our porch. I set up a styrofoam home for him and line it with old towels. 

Husband: “What is that?”

Me: *Innocently* “Hm? Oh, this?”

Husband: “Why does that look like a feral cat shelter?”

Me: “Oh, does it? Interesting.”

Husband: *Sigh* “He can stay on the porch but he can’t come in the house.”

Me: “Okay.”

Spring arrives with the usual downpour of rain. One night, during a particularly bad storm, we hear a faint noise outside the door. 

Husband: “Is that the cat we’re not keeping?”

Me: “Might be.”

My husband opens the door to find the cat soaked, his fluffy fur matted down against his body. He meows pitifully, rubbing on the door frame.

Husband: *To the cat* “Well, don’t just stand there. You’re letting the rain in!”

The cat walks in and my husband closes the door. He scoops the cat up and carries it to the bathroom.

Husband: “You’re a con artist. You know that?”

The cat starts purring and headbutting my husband.

Husband: “Yeah, yeah. You’re going back out when it’s done raining. You hear me?”

That cat hasn’t been outside in six years. He and my husband are best friends, but if anyone asks, my husband tells them it was the cat’s idea to stay and he had no control.

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There’s Helpful And Then There’s Annoying

, , , | Romantic | November 3, 2021

My wife is driving on vacation. We realize we’re going to arrive at our destination early, so she asks me to call the hotel to see if we can move up our reservation. My phone is loud enough that my wife can hear.

Clerk: “What were the dates of your reservation?”

Wife: “Tuesday and Wednesday.”

Me: “Tuesday and Wednesday.”

Clerk: “And when did you want to move them to?”

Wife: “Monday and Tuesday.”

Me: “Monday and Tuesday.”

Clerk: “And what last name was the reservation under?”

Wife: “[Our Last Name].”

Me: “[Our Last Name].”

Wife: “You probably could have gotten that last one on your own.”