Customer: “I need some artsy fartsy sweetener.”

Me: “I’m sorry, some… what?”

Customer: “Artsy fartsy sweetener. Here, look.”

He shows me a shopping list.

Customer: “My wife wants artsy fartsy sweetener.”

Me: “That says artificial sweetener. I’ll show you where they are.”

I bring him to the right section and show him the different brands and types. He says he will call his wife. As I’m walking away:

Customer: *On the phone.* “Honey, I’m at the sweeteners, but none of them are artsy fartsy… why are you laughing?”

My five-year-old son runs into my bedroom and says to my wife and me:

Son: “There’s a monster under my bed!”

Me: “Huh, that’s new.”

Wife: “Go and check for him.”

Me: “[Son], you’ve never had a monster under your bed before. What makes you think there is one now?”

Son: “Just come and look!”

I get out of bed and follow him to his room. He’s excitedly pointing under his bed. I bend down to look, and I see…

…a can of Monster energy drink.

Son: *Smiling.* “See! It’s a monster!”

I turn to see my wife, laughing her a** off.

Wife: “That’s for all the dad jokes!”

I have to admit, they got me!

My partner and I are both neurodivergent: autistic, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, etc. As a result, we don’t always hear, process, or remember spoken language correctly.

At the grocery store, we had the following conversation:

Me: “I am definitely craving some chocolate. I’m in my luteal phase right now.”

We walked around the store for a bit before reaching the candy aisle. My partner grabbed my favorite chocolate from the shelf and placed it in the cart.

Partner: “Here, babe, you’ll need this. You’re in your Illuminati phase right now.”

A woman is calling to make a reservation.

Me: “Okay, so that’s a table for four people this Sunday at midday. Is this for a special occasion?”

Caller: “Not really, but please put in the notes that my husband is going to make some kind of remark or special order that might prompt the waiter to correct him. Put in a note for them to just… not do that?”

Me: “Uh… I’ll make sure one of our more experienced waitstaff serves you on Sunday, ma’am.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

I leave a note in the booking. Sunday rolls around, and I point out the note to our veteran waitress who will be handling them that day. They nod and say they’ll figure it out.

Later on Sunday afternoon, I catch up with the waitress on our break.

Me: “So what was that table all about?”

Waitress: “Oh yeah! The husband was looking at the bacon but said, “I can’t eat pork so I’ll have the ham instead.” I looked over to the wife who was giving me the “say nothing!” look, so I just said that was a good choice and let the guy order his ham.”

Me: “Oh. Ha! I guess she’s used to her husband doing stuff like that.”

Waitress: “Yeah, I see it all the time. This wife had the good sense to call us ahead of time to warn us, but do this job long enough and you learn to dance around customers like that.”

I work at a travel agency where customers who need extra help in booking flights and hotels come by in person to make their bookings. I’ve printed out the flight itinerary for a couple. The flights are listed in both 12- and 24-hour times:

Flight Departure: “3:35 PM (15:35).”

Husband: “What are those numbers in the brackets?”

Wife: “That’s just the time in metric.”

Husband: “Oh! I guess that makes sense. We are flying to Europe.”

Related:
It Will Be Kilo-Hours Before He Gets It, Part 5
It Will Be Kilo-Hours Before He Gets It, Part 4
It Will Be Kilo-Hours Before He Gets It, Part 3
It Will Be Kilo-Hours Before He Gets It, Part 2
It Will Be Kilo-Hours Before He Gets It