From The Floor To The Corps

, , , , , | Related | September 24, 2019

(I am holding my two-month-old, and she’s getting to the point where she’s “trying” to stand up… so I help her stand. I served in the Marine Corps.) 

Me:  “Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door.”

Two-Month-Old: *big, smiling grin*

Wife: *glares at me* “Can we let her be a princess for a bit before she becomes a Marine?”

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Talk Like That Again And You’ll Have Cows To Pay

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2019

(My husband and I like to rib each other. Most of our friends and family understand that we do this, even if they don’t understand why. One evening, my husband’s brother and his new girlfriend are over for dinner. We are all sitting outside at the picnic table while my husband grills.)

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], I forgot the basting brush.”

Me: *not moving* “That’s unfortunate.”

Husband: *smiling* “Can you go get it for me?”

Me: *taking a drink* “Uh-huh.”

Girlfriend: *looking between us* “Um… should I go get it?”

Me: “No, he hasn’t asked anyone to go get it.”

Husband:Please go get me the basting brush?”

Me: *dramatic sigh* “I guess I have to do everything around here.”

Husband: “If you did anything, that would be better than what you do now.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh!”

(I go inside to get the basting brush and come out to see my husband being verbally accosted by his brother’s girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “If [Brother-In-Law] ever talked to me like that, I’d be gone so fast, his head would spin! How dare you?!”

Brother-In-Law: “[Girlfriend], it’s fine.”

Girlfriend: “No, it’s not! How can you say that it’s okay?”

Brother-In-Law: “They’re just goofing around–”

Girlfriend: “Spousal abuse is not a joke!”

Husband: “What?!”

Me: “Oh, [Girlfriend], I really am fine. We’re just playing.”

Girlfriend: *comes to my side* “Don’t worry, [My Name]; you’re safe with me.” *puts her arm around my shoulder*

Me: “I’m safe with [Husband], too. We’re good. Really.”

Girlfriend: *looks at the three of us in turn* “You’re all totally fine with him talking like… like he owns her?”

Husband: “Well, I did give her father two cows and a dozen hens when I asked for her hand, so–”

Girlfriend: *steps forward again* “WHAT?!”

Me: “[Husband]!”

(It took a while longer to convince her that we really were just joking around and my husband wasn’t lazy or abusive. We also had to explain that no, my father did not exchange me for a bunch of farm animals.)

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The Oldies Top Forty

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 21, 2019

(My partner and I are both Generation X. We’re in the car listening to the radio.)

DJ: ”…and tune in this weekend when we play all the songs from the 80s you grew up with! This is [callsign], your favorite Internet oldies station!” *starts playing U2*

Me: *disgruntled* “I really wish they’d stop calling 80s music ‘oldies.’ It’s not!”

Partner: “Well, it was almost forty years ago.” 

Me: *doing the math and finding no way around it* “Shut up.”

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How Best To Toy With Him

, , , , , , , | Related | September 20, 2019

(It’s my daughter’s birthday and we are having a small family party for her. My sister and her partner have come over. The partner is an overbearing, arrogant piece of s*** who expects everyone to work to his rules. After my daughter opens her gifts, he pulls me aside.)

Sister’s Partner: “We bought that–” *indicates toy* “–for [Daughter], with my money, so I don’t want [Daughter’s Best Friend] playing with it because I can’t stand that kid.”  

(If the toy had been of any interest to the kid I would have made sure she played with it. My daughter had no interest, either, and it soon went to charity.)

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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

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