He Was In Arizona All Along

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 14, 2019

(While we’re at the mall, I sit down at a table to take a break while my wife wanders off to look in [National Candle Store Chain]. When she comes back, she is grinning and can barely contain her laughter.)

Me: “What are you laughing at?”

Wife: “Well, I saw a post on the Internet about a specific candle scent. Apparently, someone claimed it smelled like the perfect man. The post has a lot of replies with variations on the theme of, ‘I went and smelled it, and you were right; it is the scent of the perfect man!’ So, I was curious and had to go smell it myself.”

Me: “And? What did it smell like?”

Wife: “You!”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Wife: “It is the same scent as your body wash!”

(I don’t mean to brag, but… I have multiple people on the Internet claiming that I’m the perfect man. I still tease my wife about this.)

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Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

, , , | Romantic | June 11, 2019

(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

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Attack Of The Snail Spiders

, , , , , | Romantic | June 9, 2019

Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

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Increasing Rungs Of Anger

, , , , | Related | June 8, 2019

(I’m at the takeaway when my wife calls.)

Wife: *clearly distressed* “Home, now.”

Me: “But honey…”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Wife: “Home! Now!”

(I return home as soon as possible without breaking too many speed limits or causing accidents. The house is not on fire. Everything looks normal. I enter cautiously and find my wife on the sofa, still in distress, and my two-year-old playing on the rug with the dog without a care in the world. I have to add that earlier I made some minor repairs to the roof and left the ladder out.)

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *carefully, still not finding an urgency* “Sure, honey, after dinner.”

Wife: “Ladder. Gone. Now.”

Me: *slightly irritated* “Yes, but after dinner…”

Wife: “Now!”

Me: “But dinner will get cold…”

(As she threw me a murderous look, I went outside and took away the ladder. When I reentered, she was calmed down enough to explain what happened. She was in the kitchen when she heard what she thought was the cat on the roof but it sounded a bit heavy, so she decided to check. Somehow, our toddler, who has the run of the house and the garden — which is normally childproof — made it up the ladder and up the roof. I admit I needed a bit of a sit-down after that, as well. And in the three years since, I’ve never forgotten to take the ladder back down again when I was done working. Our daughter is still the adventurous and exploring type.)

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Bridezilla: The Prequel

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 6, 2019

My husband had a falling-out with his former best friend after the guy cheated on our other best friend. (She found him in bed with another woman and immediately left him.) Then, the woman he cheated with got pregnant. My husband has described this woman as “crazy,” “abusive,” and “manipulative.” He’s 99% sure she got pregnant just to keep her boyfriend from leaving. She drank alcohol during her pregnancy, and was seen in public with her baby, clearly under the influence.

At one point, she threw something heavy at her boyfriend’s head, giving him a black eye. She’s also a pathological liar, constantly telling everyone that she and her boyfriend got together after he had already broken up with his ex when everyone knows what really happened — the guy admits it.

Now this couple has decided to get married even though the guy clearly doesn’t want to be with her and had tried to get back together with his ex several times.

It’s the day before their wedding, and my husband asks him, “So, are you really going through with it?”

His reply: “Oh, yeah, she’s acting okay now.”

What a touching proclamation of love! Just what every bride wants to hear her husband say!

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