Mayday! Our Calendar Is All Wrong!

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 16, 2020

My husband looks over at me and says, “It’s May 1st. Does that mean it’s April Fools Day?”

I can’t quite believe he said that, but I reply with, “Well, maybe for you.”

Then, the lights come on for him. “Oops.”

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This Husband Sure Is A Potty Mouth

, , , , , | Romantic | May 10, 2020

My husband is washing dishes and I feel compelled to come up behind him and give him a hug. What can I say? Men doing dishes just do it for me.

Me: “I could really just stand here and hug you all day.”

Hubby: “That would be fine with me.”

Me: “You’re very accommodating.”

Hubby: “That’s me. A giant commode.”

The hug was then interrupted by me nearly falling down laughing. Dumb jokes: that is why I married the man.

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Stay-At-Home Slacker

, , , , | Romantic | May 8, 2020

During the recent health crisis, my husband is minding and homeschooling the kids while I work from home upstairs. I was a stay-at-home mom when the kids were very young and he was away for work, and I found it extremely hard, which he knows.

“This is a piece of piss,” is Irish slang for, “This is really, really easy.”

Husband: “This stay-at-home parent thing is a piece of piss.”

Husband: “Of course, I haven’t transferred the money [to joint account] yet. I haven’t had time to do any of my personal admin!”

Husband: “You need to take a longer break in the middle of the day so I can go for a run.”

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Pepper A Little Sarcasm Into Your Meal

, , , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2020

My father can be a bit aloof and is not always the best at anticipating other people’s wants or needs, and this story is one of many small examples. My siblings and I are pretty used to it, but it drives my wife bonkers even if she doesn’t always show it.

We’re at my parents for the holidays with my siblings and some extended family and have gathered for a meal.

Mother: “[Father], can you pass the pepper?”

Father: “Oh, I don’t like pepper on [dish], so I didn’t bring it out.”

My wife rolls her eyes and mutters sarcastically under her breath.

Wife: “No problem; there are only eight other people at this table who might want pepper.”

My mother goes and gets the pepper from the kitchen and the meal goes on.

Father: “[Wife], would you pass the [side dish]?”

Wife: *Deadpan* “Well, I don’t like [side dish], so I don’t think I will.” 

The rest of the table burst out laughing, and [Wife] got a high-five from my mother. My father had the decency to look a little sheepish. And don’t worry, my wife and father actually get along great, and it’s fun to see her call him out once in a while.

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The Eight-Year B****

, , , , | Romantic | May 4, 2020

I have a birth control implant put in three months before I get married. The side effect it has on me is that my period stops entirely. Fast forward eight years: I get a period out of the blue. I’ve forgotten how grumpy they make me.

My husband finds me grumbling, curled up on the floor, angry at nothing and everything.

Me: “I am sorry that I’m grumpy. I’m not sure why I am.”

Hubby: “It’s okay, baby. Not meaning to be insensitive, but it’s your time of the… decade?”

He had a point.

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