Dry Humor During The Wet Season

, , , , , , | Right | January 22, 2018

(I tend to have a dry sense of humor that people always don’t get.)

Customer: “I tell you, one moment it’s raining and the next moment it’s sunny. It’s like it doesn’t know if it’s winter or summer!”

Me: “It’s called spring, ma’am.”

Multiple False Starts

, , , , , | Working | January 18, 2018

(We are preparing the deli counter for the day. I have been put with a new starter to show him what to do. After literally five minutes of working:)

Starter: “Why do I have to do all of this? It’s hard!”

Me: “Umm, because it’s your job?”

Starter: “Oh.”

(While I continue setting up he completely disappears. A few minutes later my manager comes up to me.)

Manager: “I’ve had a chat with [Starter]. He says you have been bullying him into doing thing he isn’t comfortable with.”

Me: “What? All he was doing was taking empty boxes into the back, and I’ve practically said five words to him.”

Manager: “Look, I know this job is frustrating, which is why we brought [Starter] on, but if you could be a little nicer to him?”

Me: “What do you want me to do? He asked me why he was doing his job and I told him, because it’s his job.”

Manager: “Okay, I’ll have another word with him.”

(She was gone about a minute.)

Manager: “Okay, [Starter] is swapping with [Other Starter] in Stocking. You’ve upset him so much he refuses to go anywhere near you.”

Me: *exasperated* “Okay… Whatever works.”

(Thankfully the other starter was amazing, work-oriented, and you only had to show him once and he got it instantly. My original starter was moved from department to department until he pretty much just sat in the canteen for eight hours a day. He was only eventually fired after the regional manager was visiting for a week and noticed he was always in there. It’s still a mystery why he was kept for so long. I suspect nepotism.)

A Trunk-ated Version Of Events

, , , , | Working | January 4, 2018

(The deli in our store has only recently reopened, and with that has come a number of new coworkers, so we’re all just getting to know each other. With old coworkers, I’m known for my murder humor.)

New Coworker: “So, my boyfriend of five years and the father of my child was apparently cheating on me, and now he’s just going around talking trash and hitting on all the girls here in the store to annoy me.”

Me: “Just letting you know, I have a car trunk big enough to hold a body and can line it to prevent evidence or leakage.”

New Coworker: *stares then starts laughing* “Well, okay, then!”

(Fast forward a few hours and the new coworker is sharing her tale of woe with another old coworker.)

Old Coworker: *turns and points to me* “You know, if you need to get rid of someone, [My Name] has a big trunk and likes knives.”

Me: “Told ya!”

Not So Nuts About Your Christmas Gift

, , , , , , , | Working | December 22, 2017

(I work part time in a grocery store deli. It’s around Christmas time when one of my coworkers brings in gifts she made for everyone in the form of some homemade sweets, like caramels and hot cocoa mix, all together in a plastic jar. She gives me mine.)

Coworker: “Here you go. I remember you’re allergic to nuts so I just gave you extra caramels instead of the nut clusters.”

Me: “Awesome. Thank you so much!”

(I put the jar away in the sandwich station fridge and go back to work. However, something is bothering me about the gift: I can’t quite place where I’ve seen those slender jars before. After a little while, I ask her.)

Me: “Hey [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Yeah?”

Me: “Where’d you get those jars you used?”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s just a peanut jar.”

(I pause, and stare at her silently.)

Coworker: “…oh. S***.”

(In her defence, she says she washed it out, but I still ended up just giving it to my roommate rather than risk it.)

Got To See It To Believe It

, , , , , | Right | December 21, 2017

(I work in a deli that also serves hot food. I have a lady come up talking on her phone and just points.)

Customer: “I’ll have that.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you’re pointing at.”

Customer: “THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re pointing at.”

Customer: “Are you treating me like this because I’m [race]?”

Me: “No, I’m treating you like this because you’re too ignorant to see the metal plate blocking my sight. Now, what can I get you?”

Customer: *into her phone* “I know, right? How rude.” *walks away*

Page 1/3212345...Last
Next »