Customer: “All your rotisserie chickens are overcooked!”

Me: “They all look fine to me, ma’am, A nice golden brown on the outside.”

Customer: “No, they’re always overcooked! Every time I bring one home, it’s been cooked for too long!”

Me: “Well, we do keep them rotating a while to keep the cooking even.”

Customer: “Could I get one that’s only cooked a bit, and I can finish cooking it at home?”

Me: “You want me to sell you a partially cooked chicken?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “That would still be raw in the middle, so that’s a hard no.”

Customer: “But I said I would cook it at home!”

Me: “We literally have an aisle dedicated to chilled chicken meat, and another to frozen. You can take those home and cook them as little or as much as you want.”

Customer: “But I want a rotisserie chicken!”

Me: “Then you’ll have to take them cooked.”

Customer: “I thought you always gave the customer what they wanted!”

Me: “Not when the customer wants Salmonella.”

I usually get my lunch on my way to work from a little deli that sells salads, burritos, wraps, that kind of stuff. Recently, I approached the counter, and I saw the owner was training a new girl about the general stuff, when an order came through the webpage

Owner: “Good. See this order? It’s special. This guy is the CEO of a big company; he’ll just send a sandwich list and nothing more. Just take the order and send it to the kitchen, and no talking whatsoever.”

New Girl: “What do you mean, no talking?”

Owner: “Don’t ask him who he is, where this is heading, payment method, how the delivery boy should announce he arrived, how would he like the sandwiches… don’t answer at all, or he’ll call screaming that you are disrespectful.”

New Girl: “So, how would we know—”

Owner: “—on this paper is every piece of information you need about those questions.”

I look at the owner with a pitiful face:

Me: “Why do you tolerate it?”

Owner: “Sincerely, he spends huge amounts daily, and I even overcharge him because I know he never looks at the price, but I wish every night that he’ll swallow rat poison.”

I’m a dude working the deli, about two weeks into the job. After cutting some ham for an old guy, I ask:

Me: “Is there anything else you wanted?”

Customer: “If you were a girl, I’d ask you out, but you’d probably say no.”

Me: *Shrugs.* “Sorry, man, all I can offer you is my meat.”

The customer shrugs, takes his ham, and wanders off looking forlorn. So THAT’S why my two female coworkers suddenly hid in the back…

I worked in a deli when I was a teenager. This guy comes in while I was doing my whole closing-time-cleanup routine. Just as I’m starting to take apart the slicer:

Customer: “I need a pound of honey ham, sliced thin…”

Me: “The ham is already in the cooler.” *I gesture to the clearly empty trays.* “We’ve got the power washer out, and I’ve already got the guard off the slicer. We’re closing.”

Customer: “Then I’ll just talk to the manager to get him to get you to slice my ham.”

I sigh and call the manager. I’m hoping the manager will side with me, but nope. He tells me to serve this final customer and then start cleaning up. I was a stupid teenager, so I did as I was told. I get the ham out and start the slicing.

Me: “How thin?”

Customer: “Thinnest.”

I put it at the thinnest setting and shave off a slice.

Customer: “No! Thinner!”

Me: “Sir, any thinner and it’s just shredded meat.”

Customer: “Then give me that, then!”

Me: “You misunderstand. There isn’t a setting below this one. This is the thinnest I can make it.”

Customer: “Then call your manager again!”

Me: “I could, sir, but unlike last time when you tried that tactic, my manager isn’t able to magically slice it thinner.”

Customer: “I’ve had it thinner than that before!”

Me: “If you did, it wasn’t here.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a f****** liar, kid?!”

I’ve had enough. I pick up one of the super-thin slices of ham.

Me: “I can shine the f****** torchlight on my phone through this slice, and it’ll project on the other side of the store. This is as good as you’re gonna get. Now… if we can wrap this up?”

Crazily enough, that worked! I shaved off the slices for them, and they paid and left.

I didn’t last much longer at that job, mostly due to the cowardly manager, but you never forget your first bad customer…

We had been short-staffed in the supermarket’s deli the day before, from about 3 PM until about 4:30 PM-ish (we close at 5 PM). We were absolutely slammed. Usually, we had about five to six people on shift, but yesterday we had three, and we all needed fifteen minutes of break time, legally.

As a result, the case wasn’t full, as well as looked like crap, and we were slicing everything on demand. All in all, we managed quite well as we were all quite experienced.

Come to this morning, our acting store manager is on the warpath with everyone, snapping and raising his voice. 

Eventually, he finds me and starts going on and on about:

Acting Store Manager: “How did you not see how bad the case looked yesterday?! And why were there so many gaps! You should have done more! Way more!”

If he wants to snap at me, then I can snap back.

Me: “I recall us warning you in the morning that we would be understaffed, and how you refused to allow me to call anyone in. I called multiple priority ones to the deli, but no manager came. The team HAD to have their breaks, and just because you’re in a foul mood, it does not give you the right to take it out on me. We still smashed sales yesterday.”

The next morning, my department manager was on shift, so the acting store manager came raging in and let loose at her about my attitude. She was aware this might be coming. I gave her a heads-up that I was likely getting a warning today. I also gave her permission to say what she said next, if it came to it:

Acting Store Manager: “If that’s the level of professionalism you expect from your staff, then I seriously have to reconsider—”

Deli Manager: “—You stop right there. Given that two days ago, [My Name] found out her mum has a terminal illness and yet she was still at work, I’m surprised that was her only reaction. I’d have been much less kind, trust me.”

The acting store manager was livid, but dropped the matter.

He was only ‘acting’ store manager because the previous job holder had quit suddenly due to health reasons. He was expecting to get the job permanently, but due to how many department managers he rubbed the wrong way, the job went to someone much less annoying instead.