(I work in a grocery store deli.)

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you get something?”

Customer: “What is the difference between the cooked turkey and the oven-roasted?”

Me: “The cooked has a more basic flavor while the oven-roasted is much moister and more savory.”

Customer: “But then how do they cook them? What is the difference?”

Me: “I’m not too sure how they prepare them, but I can definitely recommend the oven-roasted for its flavor.”

Customer: “Okay… What is the difference between the old-fashioned ham and the honey ham?”

(Eventually, we worked out what she wanted: some salami.)

Customer: “I want three-quarters of a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Okay, which turkey? We have a lot of them.”

Customer: “Three-quarters of a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Ma’am, what kind of turkey are you looking for? We have [Brand #1] and [Brand #2].”

Customer: “I don’t know! Any turkey!”

Me: “Okay, so, better quality, then? What kind?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Honey mustard?!”

Me: “We have honey maple.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure, that one.”

(We go on to her next item.)

Customer: “Half of a pound of baby swiss.”

Me: *internally* “Okay, so you knew the f****** name of your cheese, but not of your turkey?”

(I am on a business trip to New York. At my suggestion, our group goes to a famous NYC deli for dinner, a place known for their pastrami and for their brusque staff. When the waitress comes over to get our order, this conversation ensues:)

Me: “I’ll have a pastrami sandwich, lean, and—”

Waitress: “Have you ever been here before?”

Me: “No, but I’ve been to other delis.”

Waitress: “It’s just that here, ordering the pastrami lean is considered a cardinal sin. I mean, if you want to take away all the fat and have something like jerky…”

Me: *smiling* “Okay, do it your way.”

Waitress: *mimes cracking a whip at me*

(Later on:)

Waitress: “I try to be nice to people, but sometimes I have to be a b****, and that can get me in trouble.”

Me: “Wait, isn’t being nice against company policy?”

Waitress: “Oh, I wouldn’t get in trouble with my boss…”

(I’m stocking refrigerated items in the deli. Our company has a very strict policy of items not being out of refrigeration for more than 20 minutes. A customer comes to the counter; I’m the only one available for the counter at the moment.)

Me: “Ma’am, let me put this cart in the fridge real quick and I’ll be right with you.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll only be a second!”

Me: *leaves cart and heads to counter* “Okay, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Uh…. hmm… What’s this?” *points*

(Our deli hot case is glass, with labels clearly describing what the item is and the price.)

Me: “Boneless hot wings.”

Customer: “Hmm… and how much are they?”

Me: “[Price] per pound. I’ll give you a second to decide, but I really need to get this cart in the fridge real quick.”

Customer: “But I’ll only be a second!”

Me: *as I’m pushing the cart* “Yes, ma’am, so will I.”

(To the surprise of nobody, I’m sure, she was in fact not “only a second” after that. I learned my lesson that day.)

(A customer comes up to the grocery store deli counter and asks for some chicken tenders. After I package them in a bag and place a barcode on it, I give it to him. A few minutes after, as I am cleaning out parts of the deli, I notice that the same customer is still around with his smartphone out around the salad bar. I stop what I am doing and go to him.)

Me: “Hello. Is there anything else you want?”

Customer: “No. I’m just taking a picture here.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I head back and continued to clean up the place. Not too long after, the customer leaves. Around thirty minutes later, a couple of customer service workers are standing where the customer was earlier. I look at them and I realize that they are looking for something, so I stop wiping down the table and go over to them.)

Me: “Hello. Is there anything wrong?”

Customer Service #1: “Yeah. We received a complaint about there being a piece of metal on a turkey breast.”

Customer Service #2: “He was going, ‘I took a picture of it and everything.’”

Me: *recalling said customer who was taking a picture* “Mind if I help you out?”

Customer Service #2: “Sure!”

(I go around the case and stand near the two workers. Soon enough, I do see a very small metallic shine, though I have a good idea of what it really is. I open up the salad bar case and remove it.)

Me: “It’s aluminum foil.”

Customer Service #1: *clearly annoyed* “Are you freaking kidding me?!”

(The two workers walked away as I wondered why the customer didn’t tell me about his concerns.)