Explaining The Lay Of The Land

, , , , , | Learning | December 5, 2018

(In geography class, the teacher calls me and my tablemate back to his desk and pulls out our last tests.)

Teacher: “Now, when I was grading your tests, I noticed some similarities on your tests. Can either of you explain this?”

Me: “I won three school geography bees, and made it to state finals my last year. This moron could not find the US on a three-country map of North America. Suggesting that I would cheat off of him is insulting.”

(With that, I flounced back to my seat. Somehow, I didn’t get in trouble for being a smarta**.)

We Offer Both Family And Infidelity Plans!

, , , , | Right | December 4, 2018

(A man calls in to ask why his phone bill is so high. He is on a 700-minute family plan; his phone used 650 minutes, his son’s phone used 10 minutes, and his wife’s phone used… 720 minutes. I can see the call list on her line, and it seems she’s been calling someone in another state twice each day. I attempt to explain this to him:)

Me: “I’ve found the issue, sir. Your wife’s line used 720 minutes last month, and since you have a 700-minute family plan, that’s why your bill is so high. I can upgrade you to the 1400-minute plan for [price], though that would still put you over your limit for last month.”

Caller: “My wife did not use her phone. You made a mistake.”

Me: “I have the call log here to show all the calls, and there’s one number in Houston, Texas, that comes up twice a day. I can send you the call log, if that helps.”

Caller: “I don’t believe you. The call log doesn’t prove anything. She doesn’t know anyone in Houston. You made a mistake. She never uses her phone.”

Me: “Uh, have you asked your wife about whether she has been using her phone?”

Caller: *to his wife* “Have you been using your phone?”

Caller’s Wife: “No, I haven’t.”

Caller: “She says she hasn’t been using her phone, so it’s your mistake.”

Me: “Uh, okay, well… Let me transfer you to our fraud department so they can figure out who has been using her phone to call Houston twice a day.”

(I hope she is enjoying her new life with her Texan boyfriend.)

I’m P(r)etty Pregnant

, , , , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2018

There was a guy I met via a dating app, with whom I went on several dates. It got very serious, very quickly, and he started talking about me potentially becoming his girlfriend.

After a little over a month of going on dates, I got a Snapchat from him with the caption, “Girlfriend hack!” and a picture of some other girl. I immediately asked him about her, and he confessed that it was his girlfriend of over a year. I was heartbroken, and the fact that he wouldn’t add me on any social media platforms suddenly made sense.

A week later, I reached out to his girlfriend via Facebook to inform her of her boyfriend’s actions over the past few weeks with me. I felt that if I were in her situation, I’d want someone to tell me. I didn’t tell her out of spite, or to try to get him all to myself. I’ve always felt that when a man cheats, the women shouldn’t blame one another; they should blame him for his actions and his lies.

She didn’t feel the same way. She responded by calling me a liar and yelling at me for interfering in their relationship. I took that moment to remind her that he pursued me on a dating app, meaning that it was his intention to find someone to cheat with. She continued to defend him, and it became very clear to me that she was so in love with him that she’d never leave him, even for her own good. The way he spoke about her, it was obvious that she had low self-esteem, and I guessed that she assumed she couldn’t get another man as attractive and as seemingly sweet as he was. So I let it go.

A few weeks went by, and a mutual friend told me the guy and and his girlfriend got engaged. This really upset me, because I knew the girlfriend/fiancée deserved better, so I took it upon myself to text him and inform him that I was pregnant. He freaked out and started blaming me for getting pregnant, claiming it wasn’t his child. I convinced him that he was the only person I had been with, and that I’d definitely be having a paternity test, which would include him. I also sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test. He began to panic, telling me to get rid of the baby, and then verbally attacked me personally, saying this would ruin his life. He asked me how could I be so selfish.

The irony was almost too much to handle.

I then told him that he had two options: he could either tell his fiancée himself, or I would. After several text messages convincing him I was serious, he stopped responding.

After an hour without a response, I got a phone call from him, and through tears he told me that he told his fiancée and she left him. He called me names and said I ruined his life. After I let him get it all out of his system, I calmly reminded him that he had no one to blame but himself, because he went on a dating app to find someone to cheat on his girlfriend with, and then broke not only my heart, but his fiancée’s heart, as well. He finally seemed to realize how badly he had screwed up. He asked me how many weeks along I was, because he was wondering if I was still early enough to have an abortion.

I responded by telling him I wasn’t pregnant.

He flipped out so bad. It was one of the funniest moments of my life. I told him that he got exactly what he deserved. I also told him to Google positive pregnancy tests, because he’d find the picture I sent him right at the top. I then hung up the phone and blocked him permanently.

The best part about this story, which happened several years ago, was that recently the ex-fiancée reached out to me to thank me for breaking them up. She told me it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her, and that now she was engaged to another man who treats her well and who she believes is truly her soulmate.

I confessed to her what I did to end her relationship, and she laughed for a good minute before catching her breath enough to call her ex-fiancé several explicit names, saying he got what he deserved. She apologized for all the names she called me, and told me that he constantly made her feel like she wasn’t good enough, so she didn’t believe she was, and let him walk all over her. If she hadn’t believed he had gotten another woman pregnant, she never would have been able to leave him. She and I are now quite good friends, and she even invited me to her wedding.

He, on the other hand, lost all his hair by the age of 30, has a beer belly, is still single, and had to move back in with his mom after the breakup, where he’s lived ever since.

I always felt a little petty for breaking them up, but I’m so glad it ended up working out for the best.

Well, I Am Macro-Breaking Up With You

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 3, 2018

(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)

Me: “[Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”

Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”

Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”

(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)

Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”

(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)

Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”

Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”

Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”

Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”

Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “

(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)

A Shot Of Hard Truth

, , , | Romantic | May 28, 2018

(My friend and I recently became roommates because she wanted to move away from her fiancé. They’re still together, but figured they need some time apart. I’m friends with both of them and he visits us often. This day isn’t any different, except there’s also someone else visiting her. I let him in.)

Me: “Oh, hi, I didn’t know you were coming.”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, is [Girlfriend] home?”

Me: “She is… Would you like a cup of coffee or tea… or a shot of vodka?”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “…?”

(I go knock on her door and she comes out with another guy, shirt backwards, both red and panting. Kind of obvious that they’ve had sex.)

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, I’m going to take that shot now, please.”

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