When You Don’t Even Know What You Don’t Know

, , , | Romantic | December 14, 2020

My husband is a mechanical engineer. He has been working from home lately, and he’s really enjoying it, for the most part. It is my day off, and I have been puttering around the apartment, cleaning.

Husband: “I hate to be this way, but would you be able to go into a different room? I have to practice for a presentation I have to give.”

Me: “Sure, or I could be a practice audience for you.”

Husband: “Well, the presentation has to be simple enough that people who don’t know anything about what I’m talking about will understand it but detailed enough that people that know a lot about it won’t have to ask questions that could derail things.”

Me: “That seems like I’d be the perfect practice audience, then.”

I like math, but I was never very good at it, and I would never be able to do the things he does with it.

Husband: “I hate to say it, my dear, but on this topic, I don’t think you even know enough to know absolutely nothing.”

He said it very nicely, but I took the point and moved to the other room.

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Sometimes Life Gives You Lemons

, , , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2020

My wife has two cats, and they are very well taken care of. We often joke that they eat better than us some days and more often, it’s not really a joke.

My wife sometimes makes bone broth from whatever chicken bones are left after meals and adds it to the cats’ food. For those who have never made or seen bone broth, it is a light yellow, slightly cloudy liquid. We also have a number of fruit trees on our property, including a Meyer lemon tree; we often juice the lemons and store it. That’s also a light yellow, slightly cloudy liquid.

One day, after making the cat’s food — before the second cat was adopted — my wife notices he isn’t eating his dinner. 

Wife: “He’s probably just being a cat. He’ll get hungry and eat it eventually.”

It wasn’t until late that night, food still untouched, that my wife realized she had not poured bone broth over the food, but lemon juice. To this day, she still gives me a look of death when I call the cat a sour puss.

This story is part of our Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

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As They Say, It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere

, , , , | Romantic | November 20, 2020

I’m in a fast food restaurant when I see a man walking to a table with a paper tray of Mexican food and a beer.

Man: “It is after twelve noon. I am not morning drinking. That is what you said.”

Man’s Wife: “You ain’t been up but thirty minutes!”

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Just Wait Until You Get To The 420

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 14, 2020

My husband and I are driving along Highway 520 near Seattle. I grew up in the area and he didn’t, so I’m not sure if he knows that once we pass by the interchange with Interstate 405, the high-occupancy vehicle lane — carpool lane — switches from two or more people in the car to three or more. As it’s only the two of us, we won’t be able to drive in the carpool lane past that point.

He’s driving and hasn’t made any indication that he’s going to move to one of the regular lanes. Thinking he doesn’t know about the three or more oddity, I tell him. In the Seattle area, we usually call interstates by their numbers only, so 405 is “four-oh-five.”

Me: “After 405, you’ll need to move to another lane. It becomes a three or more HOV lane.”

Husband: “What? That’s so arbitrary. How can they possibly enforce that?”

Me: “Arbitrary or not, it’s the law.”

Husband: “But that’s just ridiculous!”

Me: “Okay, but you should move over; a friend of mine got a ticket last month.”

Husband: “It’s crazy!”

Me: “That doesn’t matter! You’d still get a ticket if the state patrol catches you!”

Husband: “What, are they just waiting with their watches synchronized?”

Confused by his last comment and how annoyed he’s getting, I notice the time. It’s 3:59.

Me: “Wait… Do you think I’m saying that when the time is five minutes after four, the number of people needed to be in the HOV lane changes?”

Husband: “Isn’t that what you said?”

Me: “No, after we go past Interstate 405, you need three in the car to stay in the HOV lane.”

Husband: “That makes way more sense! I couldn’t believe the number of people was dependent on the time of day, and that the time would be 4:05 rather than 4:00 or 4:30!”

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Totally Estúpido! Part 14

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2020

I just boarded the airplane with my significant other traveling on vacation. The flight attendant is attempting to explain to an Asian couple that doesn’t speak English that they can’t sit in the exit row.

Attendant: “You can’t sit here if you don’t understand English. I have to move you to another row.”

There is no response from the couple.

Attendant: *Louder* “You can’t sit here. I need to move you.”

There’s still no response.

Attendant: *Louder and slower* “I need to move you.”

Significant Other: *To me* “You speak Spanish. Maybe you can help.”

Me: “They’re… Chinese…”

Totally Estúpido! Part 13
Totally Estupido, Part 12
Totally Estupido, Part 11
Totally Estupido, Part 10
Totally Estupido, Part 9

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