He’s Going To Have To Makeup For That

, , , , | Romantic | May 3, 2020

During the recent health crisis, here in Germany, social distancing rules are in force. It is not a total curfew, as things like going for walks are not only allowed but recommended, as long as you avoid contact with persons not living in your household.

One weekend, my wife and I are preparing to take our kid for a stroll.

Wife: “I hope you take me with you like this; I haven’t put any makeup on.” 

Me: “Well, that should make it easier to maintain social distance!”

Fortunately, I married a girl with a sense of humor!

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His Powers Of Deduction Don’t Suck

, , , , , | Romantic | April 27, 2020

I’m on my way out the door when my husband comes upstairs from his home office. I let him know I’m heading to the store to buy “something for the family.” It’s something I’ve researched for a couple of weeks but we’ve never actually discussed it. 

Husband: “Ooh, is it an automatic vacuum cleaner?!”

Me: “Out of everything I could buy, that’s your guess?!”

Husband: “Yep.” 

Me: *Pause* “Yes… it actually is.” 

How in the world he guessed it, I have no idea. In eight years together, I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it. It’s just something I decided on my own that would be nice to have. If only he could the guess lottery numbers that easily!

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You’re The Cat’s Pajamas, Honey!

, , , , , | Romantic | April 24, 2020

A few months ago, my wife and I adopted a pair of cats that we both absolutely adore. My wife and I are in our home office doing our own things when I spy the cats entering the room. I reach back and give them both pets, cooing at them.

Me: “Love you, [Cat #1]! Love you, [Cat #2]!”

I notice my wife looking at me, amused.

Me: “Love you, [Wife]!”

Wife: “Oh, I see. I rank below the cats for your affections.”

Me: *Looking insulted* “Of course not! You’re more of an afterthought.”

She laughed and gave me a thumbs up.

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You Could Always Try

, , , , , | Romantic | April 21, 2020

The recent quarantine has been hitting my wife especially hard, in part because it’s prevented her from using her prime coping and therapy mechanism: petting dogs.

At home one day, my wife complains that she’s not in the proper mental state to take an online course on assessing happiness. The course is for happiness at work, but I didn’t hear that part. 

I come up with my own suggestion.

Me: “Drink good wine, eat good food, pet good dogs, and have good sex.”

Wife: “It’s for work happiness.”

Me: “Oh.”

Wife: “Besides, I can’t have sex all the time.”

Me: “That’s a very defeatist attitude.”

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The Ups And Downs Of Marriage

, , , | Romantic | April 18, 2020

My husband and I decide to drive to France for our honeymoon. After hanging out on the beach for a few hours, we come back to find that our car window has been smashed. I frantically search for my purse, and he for his wallet, but they’re gone.

We go to the police to file a report. The German translation service tells the police what happened and they start laughing at us. I can make out something along the lines of “stupid foreigners.” I complain, but they refuse to listen or take a report or help at all.

Having no money means no gas. Luckily, we have nearly a tank full, but that isn’t enough to make it back home. My husband gets a “brilliant” idea: turn the car off and let it roll down the hills! I have never been so terrified in my life. When we run out of gas completely, we have to push the car up hills.

We also have to spend a night in that car, which is cold because of the window and lack of heat.

Let’s just say it’s a honeymoon that I’ll never forget, and an omen I shouldn’t have ignored!

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