A couple is in the store. The wife is helping her husband get his very first cell phone. This is around five or six years after the first iPhone came out.

Husband: “Where are the numbers? How do I dial?”

Me: “You just tap the phone icon at the bottom there, the green button.” 

The husband hesitantly presses his finger on the icon.

Husband: “Hooooly crap! There’re the numbers! Where did they come from?!”

Me: “Haha, the screen can change based on what you’re using it for. If you press the circle button at the bottom, you should see the icons again.”

He does so.

Husband: “Wooooow! That’s amazing!”

Cue him repeating the cycle of pressing the phone icon to make the numbers appear, and pressing the home button to make them disappear. Over and over and over. He’s laughing maniacally.

Wife: “Don’t mind him. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. My husband is just… shall we say… less advanced than average.”

Me: “Hey, we all gotta start somewhere, right?”

Husband: “Okay, these buttons and stuff are cool, but how do I connect it to the phone line so I can actually dial a number with this thing? Does it come with the cables?”

Wife: *To me.* “Yeah, but he’s starting from the last century.”

To be honest, that couple was great. The guy built houses and was a real ‘salt of the earth’ kinda guy, but he just never used computer technology, like, AT ALL. Their daughter did his finances and accounting, and his wife (who was a writer) did all the calls. This guy could build a house and repair a car and fridge with his eyes closed, but he was also amazed that the buttons on his new phone could “move around”. 

The wife said she couldn’t wait to get home and blow his mind by video calling their daughter.

An older couple is asking questions about the menu.

Wife: “The spaghetti with the fire-roasted marinara. Is it spicy?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s a standard marinara, but the tomatoes are roasted first to give the sauce a deeper flavor.”

Wife: “Are you sure it’s not spicy? I find ketchup spicy.”

I think I stared for a good five seconds before…

Husband: “Hun, just get the carbonara.”

I’m an eighteen-year-old waitress. I had this couple sit in my section. It was later at night (almost 8 PM) when I started serving them. The whole time I was serving them, it seemed to be going well. I got them their drinks, they ordered, I brought out their food, and I checked up on them, and everything was fine. They seemed to be slowing down, so I asked if they were still doing okay, and the guy asked for a box and the check. Cool. I brought those to them.

I circled back around to find the wife with her hand up, holding the check and her card in the air. Not waving it, just sitting there lol. The husband was in the bathroom, so it was just her at the table. 

I walked up and took their plates, and I asked if she was ready for me to run the card. She said:

Wife: “Oh, you’re paying attention to me now that my husband isn’t here.”

And she handed me her card. I laughed because I thought she was joking and walked away. Then I thought about it and was like… is she implying that I’m flirting with her husband? 

I dropped off her card and said to have a goodnight. She said something under her breath and shook her head.

Oh yeah, she definitely thought I was flirting with her husband, and I couldn’t understand why. As a server, I have always made it a point to divide my attention equally to all the customers at my tables.

They weren’t the type of table that was joking or bantering with me or anything. The husband was the one who spoke up about needing boxes or a refill, but nothing beyond that. And again, I’m young, and I’m not an outgoing person, and I most certainly do not have a flirty personality either.

So, again, I had no idea where she was getting any flirty vibes. Another thing to note: the guy seemed significantly younger than the wife. The guy looked like he was in his twenties and she looked to be in her late thirties. Clearly this was coming from a place of insecurity. 

She tipped me $4.51 on $33.48 (before tax, $36.49 after tax), so from then on out, for a while after that, whenever I would get a table with a couple, I would make sure to make eye contact with the girl more than the guy because I was so scared of possibly giving off a flirty impression again! Every time I serve a table, I’m overly aware of the amount of eye contact I make; she forever scarred me. 

A few weeks later, they came back in and were at the same exact table they were at last time. And I had to serve them. Again. 

You bet I made sure to acknowledge her and make sure there was no flirtatious vibe at all. They were nice, and she paid and left me a little over 20%, if not 20% exactly, on the bill. I don’t know if she remembered me or not, but I guess I redeemed myself!

An American couple is dining in our pub restaurant.

Wife: “My husband likes the look of the steak and ale pie, but could he have it without the ale? He’s driving.”

Me: “Ma’am, while yes, ale is one of the ingredients in the pie, because the filling is simmered or baked for a long period, most of the alcohol is cooked off. It just leaves behind the rich flavour of the beer.”

Wife: “Hmm, so he can still taste the beer?”

Me: “It’s part of the appeal of that pie, yes.”

Wife: “Hmm, best not to risk it. There might be some placebo effect or something. He’ll have something else.”

The husband seemed happy for the wife to order for him. However, when it came time for them to order dessert:

Wife: “We’ll have a sherry trifle to share.”

Me: “Ma’am, as the name indicates, that dessert has sherry in it.”

Wife: “Ah, it’ll be fine. Sherry has barely any alcohol in it.”

Me: “Our sherry is 20% proof and, unlike the pie, isn’t cooked off during the preparation of the dish.”

Wife: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

I don’t get her logic, but I’m not paid enough to. I was, however, happy to see that the husband ate maybe two bites of the trifle and the wife finished the rest herself.

I used to work in the sporting goods department of the local superstore. A customer calls because her husband is struggling to build the treadmill they bought that morning.

Wife: “Can’t you just come here and build it for us?”

Me: “No ma’am, we can’t do that, but if you get the instructions, I can maybe help your husband understand them better.”

Wife: “Instructions?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, there should be a little book that comes with it that gives detailed directions on how to put it together.”

Wife: “He don’t read book.”

Yes, she said it just like that.

Me: “Well, I suggest he read it, and it should help with building it.”

Wife: “Okay, but he won’t be happy.”

By the end of the day, the couple was back in the store with a ripped-open treadmill box and various parts of a treadmill randomly thrown inside.

Wife: “We want a refund. Building it was too hard.”

I notice that the instruction booklet is still sealed in the envelope along with the warranty paperwork.

Me: “Did he read the instruction book?”

Husband: “I don’t read, and any company that forces me to read doesn’t get my business!”

My manager accepted the return, and I didn’t make any sound when he asked the husband to read the return paperwork and sign it, which he did without hesitation, of course.