Bounces Off Of Her Like Rubber(s)

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2019

(I have just served an old lady who is now bagging her items. A teenager — about 16 to 19 years old — is next. The teenager is just buying a package of condoms. I scan them and put them beside the belt, far from the old lady’s groceries. The teenager is paying with his card and is about to finish the transaction. The old lady sees the lone packages of condoms beside the belt.)

Old Lady: “Are those mine?!”

(She grabs them.)

Old Lady: *shouting* “Did I pay for these? What is it?”

(She’s holding them high to get better light, in full view of everyone around.)

Old Lady: *loudly* “I can’t see. Can you tell me what this is?”

Me: “No. No, that item is not yours. It belongs to…” *looks at the distressed teenager* “…it belongs to someone else.”

Old Lady: “Oh, very well…”

(She put them down by the belt again. The teenager took them and left quickly. I still believe that the old lady did this on purpose.)

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Not What They Mean By Getting Plenty Of Bed Rest

, , , , | Healthy | October 19, 2019

(A group of residents with varying stages of dementia is sitting around a table having coffee near my desk in the front lobby. One of them asks a question of the others…)

Resident #1: “What happened to my hand?” 

(She has a bruise over her wrist and the back of her hand.)

Resident #2: “You fell out of your bed, remember? You landed on it.”

Resident #1: “Oh! I must have been having a good time in bed!”

(Both women cracked up laughing while the two men with them looked shocked. I managed to hold it together so they didn’t know I was listening in.)

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Don’t Grit Your Teeth To This

, , | Healthy | October 18, 2019

(I am helping an old lady getting ready for bed one evening at the nursing home. A part of that includes assisting her with brushing her teeth. Some old people have dentures, and I can’t remember whether this lady has or not.)

Me: “Do you have your own teeth?”

Resident: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Okay, then, here’s your toothbrush.”

(The lady then pops out her dentures.)

Me: “I thought you had your own teeth?”

Resident: “I do. I bought and paid for them myself.”

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Will Never Look At Mint Thins The Same Way Again

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work as waitstaff at a retirement home restaurant where we serve the residents a three-course meal. I go over to my table full of old ladies to give them their dessert. Most of the ladies order the cookie of the day, which is dark chocolate chunk. The cookies we serve are the good kind that you’d buy from a kids’ fundraiser. I serve them their cookies and a few minutes later the ladies call me over.)

Lady #1: *completely serious* “These cookies are amazing! They remind me of an orgasm.”

(This horny old woman looks like an older version of the lady from a Sling TV commercial. I try my hardest not to burst out laughing.)

Lady #2: *picture a tiny, brittle old woman* “Well, then, that’s the best d*** orgasm I’ve even had!”

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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

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