Falling Into Place

, , , , , | | Romantic | August 16, 2019

(My grandparents are riding their bicycles and the path goes over a stream. My grandma’s front wheel catches on a rut and she goes over the handlebars. She ends up rolling down the embankment of the stream, and if it wasn’t for the help of an elderly couple nearby, she would have rolled into the water. As soon as they make sure my grandma is safe, the man turns to his wife and says:)

Man: “See, [Wife]? Women are still falling for me.”

The Age(d) Of Class

, , , , , , | | Friendly | August 14, 2019

(I’m squatted down looking at some books on a completely empty aisle at a particular store that has nothing over $1. It’s important to note that there is a box of stock next to the adjacent shelves so between the box and myself, we’re blocking the aisle should anyone try to go through. After a few minutes, I see someone out of the corner of my eye, but they’re about ten feet away so I assume they’re looking at the books, as well. After about two minutes, the following takes place:)

Old Woman: “You’re rude.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Old Woman: “You’re rude! I’m trying to get by and you’re blocking the aisle!”

Me: *way more polite than I should be* “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. If I had seen you trying to get by, I would have moved.”

Old Woman: “Bulls***!”

(I’m a little confused at this point because I’ve been nothing but polite to her.)

Me: “Believe what you want, but I would have moved if I saw you trying to get by.”

Old Woman: “You need to treat me with respect! I’m old enough to be your grandmother! You’re supposed to be respectful to your elders.”

Me: “And you need to show a little class.”

(I’m pretty sure she missed my last comment because, by that point, I had moved out of her way and she was looking at some toys, mumbling about how she thought children would like them. I chalked it up to a case of COLS — Crazy Old Lady Syndrome.)

Breast To Say Nothing  

, , , | | Right | August 13, 2019

(An elderly couple is looking at the birthday cards. They come across a humourous one for a man. The joke involves a large cartoon drawing of naked breasts inside. The elderly lady opens the card, staring at the picture. The cards are displayed right next to the tills, so I’m expecting her to complain. But instead, she just shows it to her husband, sounding completely indifferent to the crude drawing.)

Elderly Lady: “Do you think he’ll like this one?”

Elderly Man: *considers it for a few seconds* “Well… I suppose so; he’s got things like that on his computer.”

(They ended up buying the card, not even making a comment to me about it.)

Innuendo Is Priceless; For Everything Else…

, , , , | | Right | June 25, 2019

(I’m checking out an older gentleman who pays for his purchase with a debit card with a chip attached, but the machine doesn’t read the card.)

Me: “Sir, could you put the card back in? You took it out too soon.”

Older Gentleman: “Story of my life!”

(I held it together until he left. It was a good thing it was slow, as after he left I laughed really hard!)

Is Your Cousin’s Mom Betty White?

, , , , , , | | Related | June 24, 2019

(A second cousin of mine told me this story. She’s renting a car.)

Agent: “What brings you to Missouri?”

Cousin: “I’m here to celebrate my mother’s 90th birthday.”

Agent: “In that case, why don’t you upgrade to a nicer car? Think how happy your mother would be if you took her for a ride.”

Cousin: “Thanks, but if my mom wanted to go for a ride, she’d have her boyfriend take her out in his convertible.”

(She wasn’t kidding.)

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