Maybe If You Try Just The Tip…

, , , , , , | Right | June 21, 2021

This is shortly after our store has started using chip readers for cards. I am cashiering and have an older lady come through. She tries sliding her card, which doesn’t work. 

Me: “Try inserting the card into the slot.”

Old Lady: *Shouting* “It’s a virgin! Please be gentle!”

It took everything in me to not fall over laughing at her. She definitely made my day so much better.

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Grandmas Are The Breast

, , , , , , , | Related | May 31, 2021

My grandma was something else. Feared by all, she took no s*** in life and was, in a word, iconic.

When I was a teenager, I was at my grandma’s house so I could go swimming at her pool. When I finished, my dad told me to go down to the house and say thank you to my grandma. I went down and saw she was on her back porch smoking a cigarette. I was still in my bikini. She took a long drag of her cigarette and then looked at me.

Grandma: “Ya got nice boobs. Much nicer than your older sister’s, anyway. I remember when she was a little girl, she used to go around telling people she wanted big boobs like your mom.”

She took another drag off the cigarette.

Grandma: “Meanwhile, she didn’t even have little fried eggs yet. “

I was absolutely mortified, and I quickly said thank you and ran up to the pool area where my dad was waiting in his truck to drive me home.

Dad: “Did you say thanks to Grandma?”

Me: “Yes, and we need to leave, like, now.”

This conversation has become seared into my brain because of how out of the blue it was and the choice of words that she used.

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Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare

, , , , , | Healthy | May 17, 2021

My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

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She’s Been Waiting Her Whole Life To Do That

, , , , , , | Right | May 5, 2021

I work for my local council. I have had a little old lady asking about pensioners’ discounts and exemptions for Council Tax. She keeps going on and on for a while and it seems like she just wants someone to talk to, so I let her tell me her life story.

At the end of the call:

Caller: “Thank you very much; you have been most helpful.”

Me: “Not a problem. If you need help with anything else, don’t hesitate to call us.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks, bye.”

Thinking she has put the phone down, I put my phone on speaker so I can quickly get some more scrap paper. Next moment, I hear a loud “Pffffft… Ahhh…” and realise the lady has just farted down the phone.

Caller: “Oops.” *Click*

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How Old Are They?!

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

In our produce section, we have a little shelf with fruit and vegetables that are still good but will expire in two or three days, so they’re much cheaper. An older lady and an older man are shopping in this section. The lady reaches for a package of grapes for $0.85, and the man bumps her with his cart.

Old Man: “Put them back! I want to buy them!”

She refuses, so he keeps bumping her with his cart. She picks up the grapes to put them in her cart. He SLAMS his cart into her body, almost knocking her over, and yells:

Old Man: “I want those grapes! You can’t take them!”

Her solution? She opened the package and threw the grapes at the man, screaming back at him. Cops were called and the customers were taken outside to talk with them.

There were grapes everywhere.

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