Will Never Look At Mint Thins The Same Way Again

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work as waitstaff at a retirement home restaurant where we serve the residents a three-course meal. I go over to my table full of old ladies to give them their dessert. Most of the ladies order the cookie of the day, which is dark chocolate chunk. The cookies we serve are the good kind that you’d buy from a kids’ fundraiser. I serve them their cookies and a few minutes later the ladies call me over.)

Lady #1: *completely serious* “These cookies are amazing! They remind me of an orgasm.”

(This horny old woman looks like an older version of the lady from a Sling TV commercial. I try my hardest not to burst out laughing.)

Lady #2: *picture a tiny, brittle old woman* “Well, then, that’s the best d*** orgasm I’ve even had!”

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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends

, , , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are at a high school concert to watch our two nieces perform. We are both in our 40s, but he’s got six extra years on me. The senior band starts playing Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “September.”)

Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”

Husband: *sigh of oldness*

(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,” with our elder niece wailing away on the lead sax.)

Me: “And this was playing on oldies stations when their parents were babies! Feel old yet?”

Husband: *even deeper sigh of oldness*

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That’s One Super Special Senior Special!

, , , , | Right | September 16, 2019

(I am serving two elderly ladies. There is a senior special available on weekdays, but they are concerned that this is going to be too big a portion for them, so they are asking for recommendations.)

Me: “Well, I recommend the fish goujon starter to come as a main. It comes with a little salad, you could have some chips to share if you wanted, but the senior special comes with the dessert.”

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh! Fish goujons! That’s like them things you like, them, er… them chicken condoms!”

(I try not to react to her words because it is busy and I am almost sure I misheard her. Her friend speaks up.)

Elderly Lady #2: *to me* “Don’t worry, dear; that’s just what I call them.”

(I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and the ladies notice my reaction, but I can’t contain my giggles.)

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, look, she’s blushing!”

Elderly Lady #2: “You’d think we were sex addicts, wouldn’t you?”

(At this I almost lost it, because about fifteen seconds before, honest to God, they were the kindest, sweetest ladies you could meet. We all had a giggle, so I put the order in and broke down with laughter in the kitchen. When I took their food, they brought it up again and I started up again. I never, ever expected it, but they were very self-aware about what they were saying!)

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Falling Into Place

, , , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2019

(My grandparents are riding their bicycles and the path goes over a stream. My grandma’s front wheel catches on a rut and she goes over the handlebars. She ends up rolling down the embankment of the stream, and if it wasn’t for the help of an elderly couple nearby, she would have rolled into the water. As soon as they make sure my grandma is safe, the man turns to his wife and says:)

Man: “See, [Wife]? Women are still falling for me.”

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The Age(d) Of Class

, , , , , | Friendly | August 14, 2019

(I’m squatted down looking at some books on a completely empty aisle at a particular store that has nothing over $1. It’s important to note that there is a box of stock next to the adjacent shelves so between the box and myself, we’re blocking the aisle should anyone try to go through. After a few minutes, I see someone out of the corner of my eye, but they’re about ten feet away so I assume they’re looking at the books, as well. After about two minutes, the following takes place:)

Old Woman: “You’re rude.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Old Woman: “You’re rude! I’m trying to get by and you’re blocking the aisle!”

Me: *way more polite than I should be* “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. If I had seen you trying to get by, I would have moved.”

Old Woman: “Bulls***!”

(I’m a little confused at this point because I’ve been nothing but polite to her.)

Me: “Believe what you want, but I would have moved if I saw you trying to get by.”

Old Woman: “You need to treat me with respect! I’m old enough to be your grandmother! You’re supposed to be respectful to your elders.”

Me: “And you need to show a little class.”

(I’m pretty sure she missed my last comment because, by that point, I had moved out of her way and she was looking at some toys, mumbling about how she thought children would like them. I chalked it up to a case of COLS — Crazy Old Lady Syndrome.)

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