(My husband is not one to care about buying clothes, so that usually falls to me. He also has a birthday coming up.)
Me: “I noticed [Online Store] is having a significant sale on the underwear I prefer, so I think I’m going to stock up. Do you want me to order anything for you?”
Husband: “No, I don’t want anything.”
Me: “Okay, but just to be sure: I know that if any package is delivered this close to your birthday you are going to get excited, so I didn’t want you to be disappointed if there is nothing in it for you.”
Husband: *pauses, then, sheepishly* “Um, maybe I need some socks.”
(He got more for his birthday than just socks, but he also got some socks.)
(I’m at the store pharmacy in a retirement community waiting for my prescription. There is a row of chairs, and I watch an elderly couple come over. The man sits down. His wife has a grocery cart, and apparently he plans to wait while she is shopping. I assume that due to his age or a disability, he isn’t able to walk around the whole store with her. Then, I overhear this:)
Wife: “Do you want to have a cookie while you wait?”
Husband: “Yeah.”
Wife: “Then go get it yourself. I’m not getting it for you!”
(I work in a bakery in a grocery store. We have full loaves of bread that the customer can cut themselves or take home. One night, I notice a woman idling by the bread slicer.)
Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”
Customer: “No, I’m just waiting on my husband to come slice the bread for me.”
Me: “I can do it if you want.”
Customer: “No, that’s okay. He doesn’t come with me to the store often, so I like to make him feel useful when he does.”
(I love my husband to pieces, but when he’s sleep-deprived, the absolute dumbest crap comes out of his mouth. Example: After working multiple night shifts as a police officer on an incredibly busy holiday weekend, he insists on coming with me to my first sonogram appointment instead of getting some much-needed rack time.)
Technician: “Okay, there’s your baby’s head! And… oh, my.”
Me: “What? What’s wrong?”
Technician: “Oh, there’s another one in there!”
Husband: *horrified* “Our baby has two heads?!”
Me: *forcing down the laughter* “No, honey, we’re having twins. I think I’m driving us home.”
Husband: *face firmly in palm* “Okay, yeah, that’s fair.”
(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)
Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”
Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”
