Just Wait For All This To Blow Over

, , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2021

Me: “If I was bitten by a zombie, what would you do?”

Husband: “Shhhhh… Wait? What kind of zombie? Shaun Of The Dead, World War Z or Night Of The Living Dead zombie?”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because World War Z zombies are fast, Shaun Of The Dead zombies can be trained, and Night Of The Living Dead zombies are slow.”

Me: “Um, Shaun Of The Dead.”

Husband: “I’d probably do what he did with Nick Frost at the end: train you to play video games with me. If you had picked one of the other two I would shoot you. Repeatedly. In the face.”

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How To Start A Pillow Fight In Six Words Or Less

, , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2021

My family is taking a redeye flight across the country. The plane has a two-five-two seating configuration and I am sitting on the side with our older daughter while my wife sits directly behind us with our younger girl.

When I sit down, I look around for pillows and can’t find any, so I call a flight attendant.

Me: “Are there any more pillows available?”

Attendant: “I’m sorry, sir, but they are all given out.”

At this point, my spouse leans forward with her pillow and offers it.

Attendant: “This lady said you can have this one.”

Me: *Without hesitation* “That’s no lady; that’s my wife.”

Attendant: *To my spouse* “He’s been waiting forever to use that, hasn’t he?”

It took me several years to live that one down.

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These Puns Are Criminal

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2021

My husband and I are lying in bed, having our usual pre-sleep recap of our days.

Husband: “[Boss] was giving us an overview of the candidates coming in for interviews. He said one of them gave him a bad vibe, said he came across as condescending.”

Me: “Ahh, condescending. The opposite of gentleman-ascending.”

Husband: *Long pause* “Shut up.”

Me: *Giggling wildly* “Hey, honey? What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!”

He rolled over in bed and pretended to fall asleep. I continued giggling. Unfortunately, I can’t even say my horrible jokes were due to a late hour; this is just my sense of humor. You’d think he would be used to it after eight years together.

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Washing The Misogyny Right Out Of Him

, , , , , | Romantic | February 22, 2021

When my aunt and uncle get married, around 1970, my uncle makes the unfortunately typical male assumption that my aunt will be doing all the housework, even though both of them are working full-time jobs as nurses. My aunt is a modern woman and is not happy about this. She decides to address the issue in a way that is still legendary in our family to this day.

One morning, my uncle is getting ready for work and wants to put on a clean shirt… only to discover that there isn’t a single shirt in his wardrobe, and he is running low on other items of clothing, as well. He goes to ask my aunt about it.

Uncle: “[Aunt], where are my shirts?”

Aunt: “Well, [Uncle], are they your shirts or my shirts?”

Uncle: *Puzzled* “Mine.”

Aunt: “Then why, pray tell, do you assume I would know anything about them?”

Uncle: “Well, haven’t you done the laundry?”

Aunt: *Pointedly* “And why exactly should I be the one doing the laundry?”

Uncle: “Well… you… I mean…”

My aunt gave her husband a good talking-to about how it was unfair of him to expect her to do all the housework on top of her job, just because she was a woman. He agreed to share the chores from then on, and their marriage was a very happy one after that. But my aunt did let him deal with the enormous pile of accumulated laundry to drive home the message.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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Read the Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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They Don’t Know. But I Know.

, , , , , | Romantic | February 20, 2021

I work in a small, locally-owned toy shop in a little college town; however, we have a lot of down-to-earth people and families.

A couple comes in with three kids and immediately the kids go crazy, wanting to show their parents every single toy in the store.

It’s a small store but it’s broken into three distinct sections, rooms connected by walkways. We have a card rack next to the cash wrap that has all sorts of cards.

As the wife is being dragged by her kids around the store, the husband comes up to me.

Husband: *Quietly* “Don’t let my wife see; we are big Star Wars fans.”

And he slides me a card with Chewbacca on it that says, “You’re my chew love,” and cash to pay for it. I quietly make small talk with him about the weather and ring him up. I finish just in time as his wife and kids walk around and then grab their dad to go beg and ask for toys.

I’m chatting with the mom and she sees a card on the card rack.

Wife: “This would be perfect for [Husband], but don’t let him see this.”

She slid me cash, finished the transaction, and winked. It was the exact same card.

They finished their shopping, purchased a few toys for their three kids, and walked out, both chuckling to themselves about how clever they were.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of February 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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