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Time To Make A Clean Getaway

, , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2021

My husband is very anal about cleaning; I am not. With an eighteen-month-old especially, it’s very difficult to keep up with the cleaning. My husband has worked from home for years and I stay to take care of the baby during the day. Typically, he comes downstairs after work, watches the baby while I make dinner, and then cleans the kitchen while I get the baby ready for bed. It’s a schedule that works for us.

But today, he had a very late meeting during dinner, so I fed the baby and got her ready myself. For once, I actually was able to take the time to quickly clean her tray table which, apparently, was to my husband’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, he assumed this was beyond my capabilities.

Husband: “Are you sure you fed her dinner?”

Me: *Pauses* “No, I dreamed it.”

Husband: “Well, her tray is clean.”

Me: “Because I cleaned it. Did you think I’d lie about feeding my own child?”

Husband: “Okay, maybe I said the wrong thing.”

Me: “Oh, there is no ‘maybe’. You definitely said the wrong thing.”

Let’s just say that my husband suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and stepped in it big time. I set him straight.

For the record, my child is always given three square healthy meals a day and snacks. My husband knows I would never just not feed her; he was just being an idiot.

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Weird Rehearsal, Good Wedding, Right?

, , , , , , | Related | September 13, 2021

I am a bridesmaid in a dear friend’s wedding, and we are at the rehearsal the night before the wedding. It’s a fairly laid-back atmosphere and the officiant is just walking us through the steps of the ceremony.

Officiant: “All right, so then it’s time for the vows. Repeat after me: I, [Groom].”

Groom: “Hello!”

We all laugh; typical [Groom], a bit of a goofball.

Officiant: “Right, okay, let’s try again. Repeat after me. I, [Groom]…”

Groom: “’Sup.”

Now comes general confusion.

Officiant: “[Groom]. Repeat after me. I, [Groom]…”

The groom looks incredibly confused.

Bride: “Oh, my God, [Groom], say it back!”

Groom: “Hi, [Officiant]!”

Wedding Party: “NO!”

It turns out [Groom] was somehow hearing, “Hi, [Groom],” not, “I, [Groom],” which led to the confusion. We all laugh about his obliviousness and move on. As the rehearsal progresses, we come to the ring exchange.

Officiant: “Now, I know you have the rings in boxes right now, but tomorrow they’re going to need to be out of the boxes when you hand them to me. So, you’ll need to practice that. Okay, so, may I have the rings?”

The best man immediately hands over the rings in their boxes. We all groan. The bridesmaid next to me leans over

Bridesmaid: “Is that [Groom]’s brother?”

The answer, dear readers, is yes. It must be at least a little genetic. The wedding went wonderfully, though. This is why you have a rehearsal!

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It’s A Little Early In Their Lives For That Lesson

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2021

I’m an elementary school teacher. During the quarantine, I was moved to teaching online from my home and struggled to keep coming up with engaging lessons for my remote learners.

One day, I decided to incorporate our two cats into my lesson for humorous effect. The cats were not cooperative, of course, but after numerous takes, I finally managed to film the lesson to my satisfaction. I showed the video to my wife.

Me: “Well, it took forever and my legs are scratched to h***, but I really think my kids will get a kick out of this.”

Wife: “You realize your big poster for [Marijuana-Themed Movie] is in the background of every shot?”

Me: …”

Me: “Okay, [Cat #1] and [Cat #2], time for a reshoot!”

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Lordy, Lordy, Look Who’s Already Forty!

, , , , , , | Related | September 8, 2021

My parents got divorced when I was ten and both remarried soon after. My mom married a man several years younger than her. By coincidence, the wedding was two weeks shy of her fortieth birthday, and he joked that he’d scheduled it for that date because “I wasn’t gonna marry a forty-year-old!”

Several years after that, Mom got really into genealogy. She was adopted as a baby and was never particularly interested in finding her birth parents, but as she was researching her family, she did find records related to her adoption.

In particular, she found out that in our state, at the time she was adopted, kids got a whole new birth certificate when they were adopted. She’d been given a new name, new parents, and a new birthday — the day on which her adoption was formalized. With a little more digging, she found her original birth certificate, which showed that she was roughly three weeks old when she was adopted and, therefore, was roughly three weeks older than she’d thought she was. She’d turned forty the week before her wedding.

We still tease my stepdad sometimes about how he married a forty-year-old after all. Since he’s now in his fifties and happily married to a sixty-year-old, it doesn’t seem to bother him much.

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You Gotta Learn To Prioritize

, , , | Romantic | September 1, 2021

My husband, our dog, and I are nearing the end of a train journey. We get up to disembark.

Me: “Have we got everything?”

Husband: “Hat. Luggage. Dog. Wife. Yep!”

I raise my eyebrows.

Husband: “Um, not in that particular order, of course.”

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