I worked in the meat department at a national chain grocery store. One night, we got a call forwarded to our department on the customer line:

Customer: “I bought a whole cooked chicken, put it on my kitchen counter, and then went into the living room to watch TV. I forgot about it. Is it still safe to eat?”

Me: “How long were you watching TV?”

Customer: “About fifteen minutes.”

Me: “Uh… store policy says it can be out of refrigeration for up to four hours.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “So you should be more than fi—”

Customer: “—But it’s organic. That means no preservatives, right?”

Me: “Ma’am, even so, fifteen minutes should be fine.”

She still wasn’t convinced.

Customer: “I’m not going to take the risk. I’ll just let my husband eat it when he gets home.”

For context, my husband has been learning the acoustic guitar for the last year and frequently plays at home when he has a few minutes. This conversation occurred when he and our six-year-old were play wrestling.

Husband: “Ouch! Watch out for my nose, okay? You could break it.”

Son: “Why? ‘Cause you’ll die?”

Husband: “Well, while unlikely, it is possible to die from a broken nose. But if that happened, then you wouldn’t have a dad! How would you feel about that? Wouldn’t you be sad?”

Son: “Oh. Yeah. But then I wouldn’t have to listen to your bad music.”

A friend of a friend couldn’t take another pet, so my partner and I ended up with this absolutely sweet young cat. We’ve had him for almost two years now, and for some reason my partner is still concerned he’s not the best cat dad.

We’re sitting on the couch one evening, watching TV, with the cat lying on the armrest as usual, right next to my partner. We’re chatting about how cute he is.

Partner: “I don’t know if this is working out… I still don’t think he likes me…”

At that moment, the cat gets up, stretches a little, yawns widely, and walks on top of my partner to loaf firmly on his chest. Mind you, this is not a small cat. We got him at fifteen pounds, and he’s now about thirteen pounds…

Me: “Love, literally every time you’ve sat or laid down, the cat MUST BE ON TOP OF YOU.”

Partner: “Yeah, but…

Me: “And doesn’t he DEMAND cuddles when you get home from work? By SCREAMING?

Partner: “Well…

The cat starts purring so loud we have to turn up the volume on the TV.

Me: “Yeah, he HAAAAAAATES you.”

Partner: “Look, he’s trying to suffocate me by sitting on my chest! He’s just really bad at it!

The best part is not only that the cat continues purring, but he shuts his eyes slowly, in cat bliss.

A customer has purchased some furniture and wheeled it out to his car. He storms back in, angrily saying:

Customer: “It doesn’t fit in my car!”

Me: “We recommend you measure the furniture first before buying it to make sure it can fit in your vehicle.”

Customer: “I did, and it was only four inches too big, so I thought for sure it would squeeze in.”

I had to explain to him that wood isn’t really known for its ‘squeezy’ properties. This angered him further, and he stormed out. Later that day, his wife came in, apologizing on his behalf, and paid for home delivery. As I was processing the delivery:

Customer’s Wife: “I’m surprised he thought four inches was something small, as I’ve spent our entire marriage reassuring him that four inches is plenty big…”

We parents are dropping off our kids (four to five years old) at preschool. I’m with my husband, as we’re all on the same route to work, so it works out nicely that we both can drop off our son.

Husband: “Bye, [Son]! Love you! Have a good day!”

Son: “Bye, fat-a**!”

My husband looks shocked; other parents are staring, but I’m just laughing.

Husband: “Why are you laughing?!”

Me: “Because I know he didn’t get that from me! I told you a million times to watch what you say in front of him, so this is perfect! This is a conversation for you to have after school.”

It took our kid finally going to school and being around other kids and adults for my husband to finally watch his mouth and to realize that kids are sponges. Now he says fudge, bullzit, and other equally off-brand swears…