Achieved Nothing

, , , , | | Romantic | May 20, 2018

(I usually look after the house and shopping on weekends, but today, I’ll be busy working during shopping hours while my husband will be in charge of the house and our seven-year-old son. I leave him a short list of things we need, and insist he has to at least get cat sand so we can change the litter boxes. It’s Saturday, and pet shops are closed on Sundays. I come back from work seven hours later and have this conversation:)

Me: “So, how did the day go?”

Husband: “Good! We went to the swimming pool!”

Me: “Cool! Did you do the shopping? Did you forget anything?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Me: “Really? You even got the cat sand?”

Husband: “No, we got nothing. We just went to the pool.”

(I had to run out and get food. Cats will have to wait till Monday for sand.)

Driving The Marriage Into The Ground

, , , , , | Related | May 15, 2018

My husband likes to joke with my dad that he was never paid a dowry for marrying me. My dad’s pride and joy — and the object of my husband’s envy — is a 1967 Chevy Impala, in mint condition. Dad likes to drive it to the beach and to golf. When my husband and I are visiting the hometown, Dad gives my husband the keys and lets him drive it for the duration of our visit. And, he says, when he dies, he’ll leave it to my husband, by way of a legacy and a dowry.

One day Dad sees a boat he’d like to buy. The Chevy’s been spending more and more time tucked up in the garage. He decides to sell the Chevy to buy the boat. He advertises the Chevy on New Zealand’s online auction site. There’s a space for comments under each auction listing, and when my husband sees the Chevy listed, he goes pale. He doesn’t speak. He goes outside to his garage. Then he comes back in and types the following into the comments section:

“That car was my dowry. I’m sending back your daughter.”

Adding A Little Flavor To The Marriage

, , , , | Romantic | May 10, 2018

(Usually my husband and I share snacks, but occasionally I have some that I would rather keep to myself. Also, my husband has claimed that he does not like M&Ms. I like to mix several different flavors of M&M together, and I keep them where I think they are hidden. One day, I see that my stash has been found and gotten into, but I just shrug it off and say nothing. However, my husband brings it up:)

Husband: “Did you mix some different kinds of M&Ms together in that bag?”

Me: “Yes, I did. It’s peanut butter, pretzel, and caramel M&Ms. It’s effing delicious.”

Husband: “I thought so. I was trying to avoid the caramel ones.”

Me: “Well, one good way to avoid the caramel ones is to get your own damn M&Ms and stay out of mine.”

(He did not stay out of my M&Ms.)

When Do We Not Need Chicken Nuggets?

, , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2018

What My Husband Said: “Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans.”

What I Heard: “Thank you for putting up with my chicken nuggets.”

(I tell him what I heard.)

Husband: “You need sleep, my wife.”

Me: “Or maybe I just need chicken nuggets.”

“Gone” Travelling

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2018

(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old curmudgeon.)

Mom: “Man, I’d love to go to the beach. Or Paris. Or London.”

Dad: “Honey, when I’m gone, you can travel wherever you want to, whenever you want to.”

Mom: “Why do I have to wait?”

Dad: *pause* “Fair enough.”

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