Everybody’s Confused About Raymon… D?

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 29, 2020

(My husband and I are visiting our very good friends and messing with each other. My friend has been complaining that her husband has been annoying her all day. I am sitting near her husband with their baby in between us. My friend is speaking about a familial situation and mentions a name.)

Friend: “Ray-mon.”

Me: “Raymon?”

Friend: “Raymon.”

Me: *so confused* “Raymond or Raymon?

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “…” *looks at her husband*

Friend’s Husband: *spells it* “R-A-Y-M-O-N-D.”

Me: “Oh, Raymond! You keep saying Raymon!”

Friend: “Yeah, Raymon!”

(I just stare at her at his point, confused beyond belief, and she and her husband begin to bicker about it.)

Me: “Look, you keep saying Raymon, not Raymond! You are leaving off the D!”

Friend’s Husband: “Yeah, she’s saving it for later!”

(Everything dissolved. I took the baby out of the way as my friend screeched at me to flee and proceeded to launch herself at her husband while he and I hysterically laughed.)

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Danced Right Away From His Problems

, , , , | Romantic | March 26, 2020

(I am married to a fellow Marine, a man with two left feet and no sense of rhythm. He hates to dance; probably inevitably, I am a dancin’ fool. We come to terms with this early in our relationship, or at least I think so.

It’s Friday and we are meeting at the Officer’s Club. This particular club has a DJ and dancing on Fridays. I sprained my ankle earlier this week, so I come limping into the bar on my crutches and greet my husband.)

Me: “I see the DJ is getting ready.”

Husband: *in a tragic tone of voice, glancing at my crutches* “Yes, and I was just going to ask you to dance!”

(I tried to smack him with a crutch but he was too fast for me.)

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They Schedule It Every Sundae

, , , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2020

(I am the cashier at a popular ice cream fast food chain. This occurs as I am serving a couple who are approximately in their late sixties.)

Me: “Hello! What can I get for you today?”

Customer #1: “Hello, I’ll take a chocolate sundae and whatever she’s having.”

Customer #2: “I’ll just have an ice cream cone, please. Thank you for paying; that’s quite sweet of you.”

Customer #1: “Eh, from this I’m just hoping to get lucky!”

(The customers chuckled a bit as I was struggling to contain my laughter!)

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Mind-Bottling, Isn’t It?

, , , , , | Romantic | March 17, 2020

(My husband and I are scrolling Netflix trying to find a movie to watch. He finally finds what he’s looking for. I like thrillers and hate most adult comedies. I’m thinking, “‘Blade Runner’? Um, weird, it feels familiar… but negatively…”)

Me: “Well, I have some vague associations with this movie… Are there robots?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Is it silly?”

Husband: “No.”

Me: *makes a face*

Husband: “What?”

Me: “I just feel weird about the movie, like the words mean something to me but I don’t know what.”

Husband: “Look, the title Blade Runner has nothing to do with what actually happens in the movie.”

Me: *still hesitant, makes faces* “I’ll watch it. I just have an odd feeling that I don’t like it, but I don’t remember Harrison Ford at all.”

Husband: “ARE YOU THINKING OF BLADES OF GLORY?!”

Me: “Is it stupid?”

Husband: “It’s silly.”

Me: “Is there… ice skating?”

Husband: “In Blades of Glory, yes.”

Me: “I guess that’s what I was thinking of. Thanks to your logical brain, making sense of my cognitive dissonances.”

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Decoding Your Partner

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 13, 2020

(My partner is doing something involving computer code.)

Me: “What ‘cha doing?”

Partner: “Just a course on image analysis.”

Me: “What language is it in?”

Partner: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “English.”

Me: *laughing* “Man, you only know English; that wasn’t the question.”

Partner: “Oh! Matlab.”

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