We had our friends over for the first time after we got married and decided to make smash patties for them on the Blackstone. My husband was fully convinced he would do the main course all by himself.

Situation #1: I double-check everything with him just before the company arrives and realize he is missing a critical part of a burger. The bun. The poor guy runs to town, and in his brain fog, miscounts and buys thirty-two buns instead of sixteen.

Situation #2: He thinks burgers are incomplete without fried bacon and onions, so he makes them on the grill before the burgers and stores them in the microwave to stay warm. While munching on the last bite of the last burger, his buddy says, “Wouldn’t grilled bacon and onions have been just the perfect addition to this?”

Cue head smacks all around.

We ate the bacon and onions straight; they were still delicious.

Related:
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 25
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 24
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 23
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 22 
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 21

I work in a mall kiosk that does jewelry engraving/customization services. I’m working behind the counter. A woman and her friend approach with a small, silver keychain shaped like a heart.

Customer: “Do you do customizations?”

Me: “We do! What would you like it to say?”

Customer: “‘To my soulmate, forever in my heart.'”

Me: “Lovely. And what’s the name you want underneath it?”

Customer: “Oh, no name. Just leave it blank.”

Me: “So just to confirm, you want the quote only?”

Customer: “Well… I was going to give it to my partner, but now I’m not sure. We had a disagreement this morning, so I want it ready, but I’m not committing to a name just yet.”

Customer’s Friend: “Because nothing says commitment like a customized exit strategy!”

A couple walks into the small boutique candle shop where I work. The guy looks like a lumberjack who just had a spa day. Plaid shirt and the beard, but very neat and well put together. They are both very sweet together and giggling a lot. It’s very cute.

They browse the scented candles and eventually walk up with a candle labeled Campfire & Pine and walks over. The wife asks:

Customer: “Hi, quick question; does this actually smell like a real campfire?”

Me: “It’s inspired by that scent; smoky, a little woodsy, with some pine notes.”

Customer: “Okay, but like… will it make my house smell like the outdoors?”

Me: “In a cozy, cabin-y way, yes.”

Customer: “I’m the kind of person who likes the idea of the great outdoors, but I also need throw pillows.”

Me: “Then this is perfect!”

Customer’s Husband: “So this is the candle equivalent of me?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Customer’s Husband: “When we first met, you said your ideal guy is a lumberjack who smells like laundry day.” *To me.* “Yeah… I said she was looking for a lumber-hack.”

Me: “That’s… cute?”

Customer: “No one’s stopping you from going out to wander the forest, hun.”

Customer’s Husband: *Grabbing the candle.* “Now that we have this, I won’t have to!”

They both seemed happy with the purchase, with the husband joking about how he’s going to light up the candle early in the morning so that she can enjoy his ‘morning wood.’

My wife and I are discussing whether to have our daughter tested for autism.

Me: “I mean, we can certainly get her tested if you want, but I’m not so sure.”

Wife: “I think maybe the reason you don’t notice it as easily as I do is that you might be on the autism spectrum yourself.”

Me: “‘Spectrum’ anagrams to ‘crumpets.'”

Wife: “See, that’s what I’m talking about.”

I work for a bank in their call centre, handling general telephone banking queries and transactions. I am on a call with a gentleman in his fifties.

Caller: “My fiancée and I have been going through my banking over the years, and I’m sure I had accounts with you. I want to close them as I don’t use them.”

We manage to complete security:

Me: “I can see here that we have two accounts, one individual and another in joint names.”

Caller: “Close them both and send me the cheques.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the joint account requires two signatures to complete any transaction at all; you would have to contact the other account holder, and both go to the branch either separately or together to request the closure.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! This is my money; I want it now!”

Why people think that this will make us change our minds and break the rules is beyond me

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, this is the only way. Are you still in contact with this account holder?”

Caller: “Of course not! That was another wife and another life!”

Yes, they really were his exact words!

Me: “Would you be able to contact them?”

Caller: “I don’t even know who it is!”

He then proceeded to reel off the names of five different women that he’d been married to. When I confirmed he’d finally gotten the correct name:

Caller: “Oh, forget it, no amount of money is worth talking to that b*** again after what I did  to her!” *Click.*

Top tip, if you’re going to get divorced, please sort out your joint accounts whilst still speaking!