Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

, , , , , | Romantic | January 20, 2019

(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

Tooth And Brain Decay

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2019

(My husband has just had some dental work done. He wants to brush his teeth, but we use electric toothbrushes, and he thinks those will be too harsh on his tender gums.)

Husband: “Babe, do we have any non-electric toothbrushes?”

Me: “Yes, I think so, behind the bathroom door in the cubbyholes.”

Husband: “Oh, darn. None there.”

Me: “Well… you could use your electric one and not turn it on?”

Husband: “Oh, jeeze. I should have thought of that! I think the dentist injected Novocain into my brain.”

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2019

(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

, , , , | Romantic | January 14, 2019

(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

Just Be Present

, , , , | Romantic | January 13, 2019

(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)

Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”

Partner: “You really got me there, love.”

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