Sock It To Me For My Birthday

, , , | Romantic | September 21, 2018

(My husband is not one to care about buying clothes, so that usually falls to me. He also has a birthday coming up.)

Me: “I noticed [Online Store] is having a significant sale on the underwear I prefer, so I think I’m going to stock up. Do you want me to order anything for you?”

Husband: “No, I don’t want anything.”

Me: “Okay, but just to be sure: I know that if any package is delivered this close to your birthday you are going to get excited, so I didn’t want you to be disappointed if there is nothing in it for you.”

Husband: *pauses, then, sheepishly* “Um, maybe I need some socks.”

(He got more for his birthday than just socks, but he also got some socks.)

She Cookie-Cutter Him Down

, , , , | Romantic | September 19, 2018

(I’m at the store pharmacy in a retirement community waiting for my prescription. There is a row of chairs, and I watch an elderly couple come over. The man sits down. His wife has a grocery cart, and apparently he plans to wait while she is shopping. I assume that due to his age or a disability, he isn’t able to walk around the whole store with her. Then, I overhear this:)

Wife: “Do you want to have a cookie while you wait?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Wife: “Then go get it yourself. I’m not getting it for you!”

A Slice Of Married Life

, , , | Romantic | September 17, 2018

(I work in a bakery in a grocery store. We have full loaves of bread that the customer can cut themselves or take home. One night, I notice a woman idling by the bread slicer.)

Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

Customer: “No, I’m just waiting on my husband to come slice the bread for me.”

Me: “I can do it if you want.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. He doesn’t come with me to the store often, so I like to make him feel useful when he does.”

Two Heads Are Better Than One

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 15, 2018

(I love my husband to pieces, but when he’s sleep-deprived, the absolute dumbest crap comes out of his mouth. Example: After working multiple night shifts as a police officer on an incredibly busy holiday weekend, he insists on coming with me to my first sonogram appointment instead of getting some much-needed rack time.)

Technician: “Okay, there’s your baby’s head! And… oh, my.”

Me: “What? What’s wrong?”

Technician: “Oh, there’s another one in there!”

Husband: *horrified* “Our baby has two heads?!”

Me: *forcing down the laughter* “No, honey, we’re having twins. I think I’m driving us home.”

Husband: *face firmly in palm* “Okay, yeah, that’s fair.”

They’re Breeding Like Starbucks

, , , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2018

(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)

Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”

Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”

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