Robbing His Own Cradle

, , , , , | Romantic | July 3, 2020

I work in an OBGYN office, often answering phones and directing patients’ messages to doctors. To make sure the right patient’s chart is attached to the message, I ask for a few identifiers. One day, a patient’s husband calls.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “My wife wants me to send a message to her doctor. She’s busy with the baby and asked me to call.”

Me: “Sure; what’s your wife’s name and date of birth?”

Husband: “[Wife] and [date last year].”

Me: “Can you repeat her date of birth?”

Husband: “Oh, I gave you our baby’s birth date! No, my wife’s is [date twenty-five or thirty years ago]. My wife’s an adult.”

Me: “Great, I see her profile here, so you’ve called the right office. What message can I send her doctor?”

Husband: “[Message]. Sorry about the date mixup… I swear I didn’t marry a baby.”

A few hours later, he calls back.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office]. How can I help you?”

Husband: “Hi, this is the man with the child bride. We missed the doctor’s call; can we talk to her?”

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It’s Not Made Of Husband-Of-The-Year Material

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

I am a sales associate in a well-known lingerie store. I notice a male in his late thirties customer looking around.

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a gift for my wife. She’s big, huge, pregnant, and feeling bad about herself, and I want to show her that I know that her body is going to go back to how it was after she has the baby.”

I was speechless. He then bought the cheapest camisole and silk briefs that were on clearance, and they didn’t even match. To the wife, whoever you are, I’m sorry!

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Time To Make A Reservation For The Living Room Couch

, , , , | Romantic | June 30, 2020

A friend is having a cookout with several people I know and several I don’t know. I am inside with a few other people when a man comes in and addresses his wife. I only recognize them as friends of the host, so I don’t even know their names.

Husband: “Honey, [Best Friend] says he’ll buy [bedroom toy] from us since you didn’t like it.”

Wife: *Turning red* “What?!”

Husband: “[Best Friend] said—”

Wife: “I heard you. Why are you— Come here.”

She drags him into the bathroom, but they’re still loud enough for everyone to hear.

Husband: “What? They want a new toy; I said you didn’t like yours.”

Wife: “And you and [Best Friend] were the only ones in this conversation?”

Husband: *Slowly* “Well, [Other Guys] were there, and that guy in the green shirt, and—” 

Wife: “I cannot f****** believe you think this is acceptable.”

Husband: “What? It’s just talk!”

Wife: “And what if I told all the wives why we need the toys? And what if they tell their husbands?”

Husband: *Pause* “Well, I—”

Wife: “You stop talking about our bedroom life, or you won’t have one and I will tell everyone about all of your shortcomings. Do you understand?”

The wife came out of the bathroom and everyone pretended they didn’t hear anything. She grabbed her purse and keys and left the party. The husband sheepishly exited the bathroom and went back outside. I don’t know them well enough to know what happened after that, but I do know if my husband was spouting off about our bedroom life, I’d be pretty pissed, too!

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Kimo-NO TUXEDOS

, , , , , | Related | June 24, 2020

I have an irrational hatred of tuxedos, always have had. So, I make every attempt to evade wearing one and basically destroy every photo of myself in one. My usual methods of evasion include wearing a Santa outfit to Christmas balls, talking my relatives into letting me wear polo shirts to their weddings, and even cross-dressing in a dress for my prom.

My high school was very pro-LGBT so they were “supportive of my decision to come out of the closet.” I just ran with that.

This really pisses off my parents, but the cross-dressing incident and the time when I wore a black trench coat to my Grandfather’s wedding was the last straw. They sat down with me and gave me a ridiculously long lecture so that I’d “see the error of my ways.”

Long story short, my parents’ argument boiled down to the idea that no woman would marry a man that refused to dress up for their wedding day, so I’d better get used to wearing a tux for every formal occasion.

My wife is Japanese. She was perfectly happy to have a Shinto wedding. We wore kimonos.

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Put A Little Backbone Into Your Bank Account

, , , , , , , | Related | June 23, 2020

My husband’s brother moved in with us two years ago and has not paid anything towards board and food, even though we agreed on an amount for him to pay just after he moved in. My husband has been too spineless to insist on him paying us.

My husband was stood down when his workplace closed down due to the global outbreak; he would be paid for a limited period of time but was under the threat of going without pay. I told him he had to talk to his brother about paying us.

Again, he’s been too spineless, so I bring the subject up.

Brother-In-Law: “I was just waiting for you to tell me how much you wanted.”

He knew because he had to claim the amount on his unemployment so he could get rent assistance from the time he moved in. Later, I remind my husband of that and he gets pissed.

Later that night, as we’re trying to watch a movie, we hear [Brother-In-Law] calling to my husband because he can’t work out how to do something on his computer. My husband sighs and pauses the movie.

Husband: “What’s wrong?”

Brother-In-Law: *Whining* “I can’t work out how to do this.”

Husband: “What are you trying to do?”

His brother is still whining but with a bit more emphasis on certain words.

Brother-In-Law: “Well, I’m trying to pay you but I can’t find out how to transfer money from my account. It won’t let me transfer.”

I can see where he is hoping that this is going to end up — with spineless [Husband] telling him not to worry about paying us — as he puts on the whining voice to get out of things because people feel sorry for him, but for once, my husband isn’t backing down.

Husband: “You can pay tomorrow after you call the bank and get it sorted. I’m going back to my movie.”

Brother-In-Law: *Sounding disappointed* “Oh, okay.”

I was proud of my husband at that moment. I don’t know how his brother thought he could convince us that he couldn’t work out how to transfer money seeing that he transfers hundreds of dollars each month to pay for online purchases. He used to receive two or more packages most weekdays, but since he’s been paying what he owes, it’s gone down to about once a week.

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