A couple is dining in my section. The husband furiously waves me down.
Customer: “This dessert has nutmeg in it! I can taste it!”
Me: “Yes, sir, it’s one of the ingredients.”
Customer: “But I’m sharing this dessert with my wife, and we already informed you that she has a nut allergy! Are you trying to kill her?!”
Me: “Sir, nutmeg is a spice. Nut is in the name, but it’s not a nut.”
Customer: “She’s allergic to all nuts! If it’s in the name, she’s allergic to it! I demand you take this dessert away and get your manager to comp our meal for almost killing her!”
I sigh and fetch the boss. He comes over to hear the complaint.
Boss: “Sir, did you know peanuts aren’t actually nuts? They’re legumes.”
Customer: “What does that have to—”
Boss: “Cashew nuts are drupes, I believe.”
Customer: “Okay, well maybe some—”
Boss: “—so are coconuts, now that I think about it.”
Customer: “Are you quite done—”
Boss: “—And walnuts! Wow, a lot of nuts are actually drupes.”
Customer: “That doesn’t change the fact that my wife is allergic to nuts!”
Boss: “And she wasn’t served any nuts. When a customer informs us of a nut allergy, we remove all tree nuts, and yes, items that are considered nuts in a culinary sense, like all those I just mentioned, but nutmeg is not one of them. I see you had no problem enjoying your pine nut salad earlier, which was fine because we know they’re just the seeds of a pinecone, also not a nut.”
Customer: “Well… we don’t like this dessert anyway. Bring us another.”
Boss: “I can do that. What would you like?”
Customer: “The Dubai chocolate ice cream.”
Boss: “That contains pistachio…”
Customer: “What! Are you trying to get my wife killed again!”
Boss: “…which is also a drupe! So, I have to ask…”
My boss turns to the wife, who has been silent and looking embarrassed this whole time.
Boss: “Ma’am, what nuts are you allergic to?”
Customer’s Wife: “Thank you for asking. As I told your helpful waitress before, I’m allergic to peanuts only, which, as you rightfully said, is a legume. I’m not actually allergic to nuts. I know the names can be confusing.”
Customer: “I thought you were allergic to all nuts?”
Customer’s Wife: “Honey, you’ve seen me eating chocolate Brazil nuts at the movie theater!”
Customer: “…oh.”
Customer’s Wife: *To my boss.* “Thank you, we’ll take the chocolate. I would have spoken up earlier, but my husband never seems to believe me when I tell him what I’m allergic to, so I thought it would be easier for someone else to explain it to him. Thank you for the lesson.”
The boss nodded and went to get their new dessert personally. Every time I passed that table I overheard snippets between them, such as:
Customer: “Wait… so macadamia nuts too?!”
And:
Customer: “Wait, are none of these f****** nuts actually nuts?!”
And finally:
Customer: “So you’re telling me grape nuts have no grapes, and no nuts?!”
A lot of nutty learnin’ happening that day…
