I’m in the living room on my computer and my wife is asleep in the bedroom. She talks in her sleep a lot.

I hear her mumbling.

Me: “Honey?”

Wife: “How long?”

Me: “How long what?”

Wife: *Impatiently* “How long do I have to be in the hamster ball?”

Me: *Laughing* “You’re not in a hamster ball.”

Wife: “BUT HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE HAMSTER BALL?!”

Me: “You’re asleep, honey. You’re fine.”

Wife: *Sounding offended* “I am NOT.”

Me: “I promise, you are.”

Wife: “I’m not asleep! I’M IN A HAMSTER BALL!”

She began snoring immediately. I woke her up for real a few minutes later because I was laughing so hard.

My husband and I have just moved to a new town and we are unfamiliar with the area. He is driving and I’m using my phone for the GPS to find a local grocery store when my husband’s friend calls him.

Husband: “Hey, [Friend]! What’s up?” *To me* “Where do I turn?”

Me: “You want [Street] at the next exit.”

I point at the sign.

Husband: “Okay.” *To his friend* “Yeah, it’s great. We’re adjusting. The weather is a little warmer than—”

Me: “This exit, [Husband].”

He doesn’t move over to the exit lane.

Me: “This exit!”

I pull on his sleeve to get his attention.

Husband: “Don’t pull on me! I’m driving! Where am I going?”

Me: *Frustrated* “The exit we just passed.”

Husband: “You should have said something.” *To his friend* “No, [My Name] is just getting us lost.”

Me: “You missed the exit!”

Husband: “What’s next?” *To his friend* “Go on, [Friend].”

Me: “Take this exit coming up.”

I point at the next exit.

Me: “How about you get off the phone until we get there?”

Husband: “I’m fine. This exit?”

Me: “Yeah, then a right at the end, and [Grocery Store] is two miles down.”

Husband: *Laughing at his friend* “Yeah, that’s dumb.” *To me* “Left?”

Me: “Right.”

Husband: “I’m pretty sure it’s left.”

Me: “It was a left if you went off the correct exit. Now it’s a right. Pull over; I’ll drive and you can gab.”

Husband: “I’ve got it.”

He turns left.

Me: “I said right. You need to focus. Hang up.”

Husband: “It’s fine. I can see [Grocery Store]; we just have to turn around.”

He makes a left at the next stop sign and finds himself going the wrong way down a street with a grass divider between the lanes. A car is approaching, blaring the horn.

There’s a gap in the divider and he turns right, putting him in the correct lane. We are nearly hit by a truck going down that lane and I feel my heart jump into my throat. He, too, blares his horn.

The entire time, my husband is unbothered, still on the phone.

Finally, we pull into the parking lot.

Husband: “All right, man, I gotta go. We’re gonna shop. Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.” *To me* “Why is everyone such a**holes here?”

Me: *Still shaken* “You’re an a**hole! You went the wrong way and almost got us killed!”

Husband: “I was following your directions!”

I walked away and grabbed a grocery cart. At the end of our trip, he was loading the groceries in the car and I took the keys from his pocket, insisting I would drive. We got back to the house and he still refused to believe that he hadn’t been paying attention.

I’m the author of Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio and thought I’d offer another gem my darling husband has come up with. To begin with, my husband is definitely very intelligent. He’s just in that category of “very intelligent with book-smarts but common sense has gone out the window.”

Early on in dating, making us in our late teens or early twenties, we are walking around our mall when we pass a Catholic priest. My future husband does a double-take.

Me: “What’s up?”

Husband: “Was that a Catholic Priest?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Husband: “I thought Hollywood made those up, like nuns!”

Me: “Nuns are a thing, too!”

Husband: “What?!”

He then looks at the priest’s briefcase.

Husband: “Do you think that’s his exorcism kit?”

Me: “What? No. No, it’s not. First of all, they don’t just carry stuff like that with them. I’m pretty sure they gotta get approval from the Vatican before they do an exorcism, anyway, and that can take time.”

Husband: “I’m gonna go ask.”

Me: “Leave the priest alone!”

My wonderful future husband had already let go of my hand and started following this poor priest down the walkway in the mall. He later returned to my side and informed me that the priest opened his briefcase to show that it was just paperwork he had with him.

Related:
Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio

My husband is tired as it is late and we’ve been traveling most of the day. I didn’t realize how tired he was until this. We always take some cash and often have some left when we return from vacation. This trip, we actually spent very little of what we had withdrawn, and my husband decides he is going to deposit the money back into our account right away instead of waiting to go to the bank or ATM in the morning.

Husband: “I can’t find anywhere on the app to make a deposit.”

Me: “Oh, did someone send us a check while we were gone?”

Husband: “I’m trying to put back the money we didn’t use. I can’t figure out how to deposit cash.”

Me: “You’re serious?”

Husband: “Yes! Why don’t they have that option? This is really frustrating!”

I start laughing; I can’t help myself.

Me: “And just how were you planning on transmitting the bills to the bank, since you can’t just take a picture of them?”

My husband glares at me like I have two heads, as I try to stifle my giggles.

Husband: “What are you laughing about? It’s not funny!”

Suddenly, it seems to dawn on him what he is trying to do and his expression changes to one of defeat.

Husband: “Oh, never mind. I think I’ll go to bed now.”

Me: “Good idea!”

He made the deposit at the bank the following morning. I still find his lapse amusing: he does not.

During our dating days, my husband and I talk a lot. After our parents get introduced and approve of our relationship — yeah, that approval is kind of essential here — we are on the phone almost the entire day.

I have just finished college and my job is not starting for another few months, and my husband is self-employed, managing his father’s construction business. He has a separate business phone, so we do not have a problem being on the phone for the entire day. We take a break only when either of us goes to the bathroom or his business phone rings!

Whenever my mother wants to talk to me, she has to sign to me so that I can pause our talk and then talk to her. She finds it a bit amusing that we talk so much.

One evening, he comes to my place after work just to spend some time with me and my family. One thing leads to another and we start talking about our never-ending phone calls.

Mom: “You both are on a call almost always. I have never seen anyone talk this much.”

Husband: “Yeah, we like to spend time with each other. I can’t see her while at work, so it’s kind of nice being on the phone.”

Mom: “But what exactly do you both talk about? What do you have so much to discuss or share about? I’m not prying; I’m genuinely curious.”

Husband: “Do you watch TV serials?”

Mom is thrown off by this odd question.

Mom: “Yeah, a few of them. Why?”

Husband: “Yeah, can you tell me the story of any one of them?”

Mom: “…?”

Husband: “No, right?! Our talk is like that; it goes on for years, and you know the central plot but can’t really say what the story is all about!”

Starting the next day, my mom stopped attempting to talk to me while I was on calls with him! It has been twelve years since this incident; we still talk a lot. If we are not together, then we call each other at least once an hour and talk for a few minutes at least. Our families make good-natured fun of our phone conversations as the best running TV serial ever!