More Entertaining Than “The Blob”

, , , , , , | Related | CREDIT: RavensArts | November 24, 2020

I’m a woman in my late thirties. I have a friend who has an uber-b**** of a younger sister, who in turn has a rotten little eight-year-old crotch goblin.

I mean, this kid is SUCH an a**hole and her s***head mom enables and indulges her. This kid always takes other people’s stuff and either messes with it, breaks it, eats it, or steals it. She throws a fit if you stop her, causing MOMMY to get in your face. Of course, her mom never offers to replace anything.

One night, a bunch of us ladies go to [Friend #1]’s house for a horror movie marathon night. We do movie nights two or three times a month, always with a different theme. Friends and spouses are welcome, and each of us is expected to bring a snack, drinks — alcohol is optional — and one or more movies, usually R-rated. We then pick the three or four movies we like best to watch. Suffice to say, young kids aren’t allowed.

We are well into our first movie — the 1988 remake of “The Blob,” which I brought — and two bottles of wine, when [Friend]’s front door opens and her sister walks in unannounced.

Sister: “I’m going clubbing! You need to watch [Kid]. You’re staying home anyway, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”

My friend is pissed and refuses to watch the kid because of these reasons, which she fills us in on later. A, [Kid] is a spoiled, destructive brat; B, [Sister] didn’t call or ask, despite multiple warnings; C, this is [FRIEND #1]’s time to unwind with friends, not babysit her sister’s rotten crotch fruit; D, none of the movies are remotely child-friendly and she isn’t going to alter her plans just because her sister wants to go clubbing; and E, did I mention that the kid is a spoiled, destructive brat?

She doesn’t say any of this to her sister; she just gives a flat NO. Both [Sister] and [Kid] throw a tantrum; it turns out she told her daughter she would be having a “fun movie night with Auntie.”

As they argue, the kid takes the opportunity to grab the remote and start playing the DVD we paused when they let themselves in and starts watching. None of us stops her because, honestly, we are too busy watching the sisters fight to notice.

Ironically, we paused it just before a particularly scary and gross scene where a little boy gets grabbed and pulled under the water, and then comes up half-melted and screaming before being dragged back under and devoured.

Naturally, the brat freaks out and starts crying, which alerts [Sister].

Sister: *Screaming* “How dare you let my kid watch your disgusting f****** movie?! Who the f*** brought that?!”

Since I HATE [Sister], I get up off the couch… but surprisingly, so does [Friend #2], a very buff, sporty girl who [Sister] hates and ACTIVELY fears. This is because they got into a fistfight last year when [Sister] groped [Friend #2]’s fiancé at a party, completely sober, and then slapped [Friend #2], who promptly beat the crap out of [Sister] in front of everyone.

Friend #2: *Glaring* “It doesn’t matter whose movie it is. What matters is you coming in here uninvited, giving your sister s***, not watching your f****** kid, and then getting pissed off when your kid once again touches s*** that isn’t hers and ends up scaring herself. Now, I suggest you get your kid, turn around, and Go. F******. Home!’

A smart person would do what [Friend #2] said. But [Sister] has never been particularly smart. Instead of leaving, she turns to ME and starts getting in my face, probably figuring I’m not going to retaliate because she is smaller than me — she’s my height but much slimmer. She is right… but also wrong.

She keeps screaming a mishmash of oral flatulence I don’t really listen to, nor care about. At some point she insists that we NEED to care for her kid.

When she stops to take a breath, I cut in.

Me: “Why is it our job to watch your kid? It’s not like any of us pushed her out of our vag!”

[Sister] actually gasps, like someone in a graphic novel.

Sister: “YOU HAVE A SON!”

Me: *Starting to get really mad* “Yes, I do, but do you see him here? No! That’s because I’m not a self-centered b**** who’d bring him to an adults-only gathering or dump him on others without asking!

This really sets her off. And like any entitled moron who can’t fight, she tries to slap me. Luckily, she fights like a girl. Too bad for her, I don’t.

When [Sister] pulls her arm back — people, never telegraph your blows — I move slightly to the side, grab her arm, rotate it behind her back, grab her hair, and then plant her face into the nearest wall, pinning her arm behind her back. D***, it felt good!

[Sister] struggles and curses, but I’m not letting go.

Me: “You have three choices: you can take your kid and leave, quietly, I can kick your a** in front of your kid—”

I’d never do that, but she doesn’t know that, and by this point, one of the others has taken the kid into the kitchen, but I was too busy to notice.

Me: “—or I can call the cops, have you arrested for assault, and then call your ex to come pick the kid up.”

Her ex is the kid’s dad, and hates [Sister] because she cheated.

[Sister] agrees to the first option, but then, once I release her, she tries to get my friend to side with her because… FAMILY!

[Friend] responds by taking her sister’s keys, removing her house key, and telling her sister that neither she nor her kid are welcome in her house and to please get the f*** out.

The look on [Sister]’s face is one of utter shock, as if she just discovered someone pissing in her cereal bowl. [Sister] then looks to all of us for support — why she looks at me for help, I just don’t get — but we just glare at her.

Realizing nobody will side with her, [Sister] grabs her kid, calls us all c***s, especially me, and leaves, slamming the door.

[Friend] apologizes to us — no need; we all knew her sister was an a**hole — and then immediately calls her parents, giving them the low-down and warning them that unless they want to end up watching the brat all weekend, they’d better get in their car and go anywhere else, and to warn the other relatives, as well; [Sister] has tried this before, many times.

[Sister] didn’t get to go clubbing, and I heard that soon after, she lost custody of the brat to her ex. Apparently, the kid actually started to get better and stop acting up so much after that.

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Not Even Siblings Are Immune To Mansplaining

, , , , | Related | November 20, 2020

My younger brother is the most condescending person I have ever met. Unfortunately, this often means he will try to “mansplain” things to me, his older sister by seven years and lifetime geek.

Brother: “So, in [Game] you need to…”

And he proceeds to explain a simple game concept as if I am the dumbest person in the world.

Me: “You realize I’ve been playing [Game] longer than you’ve been alive?”

Brother: *Still smug* “I just wanted to make sure you knew…”

No one has ever questioned why I refuse to play any kind of game with him.

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Whack A Memento Mori Mole

, , , | Related | November 19, 2020

My little brother is about nine or so and we go with our mom to a well-known kids’ arcade. We’re about to enter when my brother suddenly bursts into tears.

Me: “What’s the matter?”

My brother shakes his head and cries harder.

Mom: “What’d you do to him?”

Me: “Nothing! He just burst out crying for no reason!”

Finally, he composes himself enough to blubber out.

Brother: “I just realized that we’re all gonna die someday! It’s so sad!”

He cried and cried.

We had to haul him in the arcade sobbing his little heart out. Twenty years later, he still is upset about the concept of death. I remember the first time I cried about my mortality — I was six — but not when I was going to the arcade!

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What A Strange Salad

, , , , , , , | Related | November 3, 2020

My uncle is relatively nearsighted. Our two brothers both inherited my dad’s stocky build but my mom’s fair and easily sunburned complexion, while the older brother also inherited Dad’s thick crop of chest and back hair. My sister and my uncle are hanging out on the beach on a family vacation.

Uncle: “I can see your family out there in the water, but I can’t tell which one is which.”

Sister: “Oh, that’s easy.” *Points at youngest brother* “Tomato.” *Points at older brother* “Hairy tomato.” *Points at Dad* “Bear.”

And that is how new family nicknames are born.

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Gonna Make “Uncle” Your First Word

, , , , | Related | October 30, 2020

I’m childhood friends with my neighbour’s kids. They have three boys and one girl. The youngest brother has just done something extremely stupid — covering himself in cushions and rolling down a hill — and is getting chewed out by their parents. The four of us are watching the carnage from afar.

Me: “Did your parents drop [Youngest Brother] on his head when he was a baby?”

Sister: “Of course not! How dare you insinuate that?! Our parents never dropped any of us on our heads!”

Me: “Uh, sorry.”

Brother #1: “It was our uncle that did the dropping.”

Me: “Really? He did that once?”

Brother #2: “More than once. Way more.”

I give him a disbelieving look.

Sister: “Yeah, admittedly, that’s true. He dropped all of us on our heads at least once.”

Now, the brothers might have been joking, but if their sister says so, then it’s true.

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