He Thought He Had An Ace In The Hole

, , , , , , | Related | March 3, 2021

My brother has always been money-hungry. He buys expensive shoes and outfits and is constantly asking my parents for more allowance so he can buy them. My parents usually say no because they can’t spare that much money every month, as they’re saving for other things. As a result, he takes it upon himself to “advise” them on money they “could free up,” often by arguing my other siblings, my parents, and me down until we cave and say we don’t want something or change the budget.

My brother and I are weeding the cracks in the driveway. Just prior, he was arguing with my mom because she was saving money for “stupid things” instead of buying him Jordans.

Brother: “How come you never date any guys? [Friend] asked you out and you turned him down.”

Me: “I didn’t like him that way. Besides, he and I weren’t right for each other.”

Brother: “Do you like any guys at all?”

Me: “I mean… not really? I don’t really get crushes and such.”

Brother: “Are you a lesbian? You are, aren’t you?”

Me: “No—”

Brother: “You are! I’m telling Mom!”

At this, I start to get scared. My family and I are Catholic, and while I support the LGBTQ+ community, my family isn’t quite so supportive of that. I could get in some very awkward situations if he told my mom that. 

Me: “No, I’m not a lesbian! Knock it off!”

He continues to pressure me to “tell him the truth” and starts to get up to tell my mom.

Me: “[Brother], I’m not lesbian; I’m ace! Stop! I don’t like anyone that way!”

I’m aroace, but I didn’t know the term aromantic at the time.

Brother: “So you’re just immature, then. Why don’t you like d**k? You just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

Keep in mind that this kid is over two years younger than me; he has no business calling me immature.

Me: “Yeah, yeah, just don’t tell Mom. I want to tell her on my own terms.”

Brother: “You need to tell her soon. She’s saving money for your wedding!”

Me: “O…kay? I’ll tell her when I’m ready. Just promise not to tell her?”

Brother: “Fine, whatever. You should tell her tomorrow, though.”

Foolishly, I thought that was the end of it. But the next day, my mom took me up to a fast food place and got us a snack. While we were eating, she asked me if I was okay, because, “Your brother said you were… a plant?” Turns out he had, in arguing that she should spend the savings she’d set aside for my future wedding, completely outed me to my mom, and she outed me to my dad. I then had to endure conversations of “Maybe you should be a nun,” “Stop making terms up,” “You’ll grow into it; you’re just a late bloomer,” and, “In order to get married you need to have sex in your marriage.”

And that’s the story of how my brother outed me for shoes! And he didn’t even get them, because my parents don’t believe I’m ace and still set aside funds for my wedding every month.

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What Do You Expect? You Took His Wisdom!

, , , , , | Related | March 2, 2021

My younger brother gets his wisdom teeth out the year after I do. The anesthesia didn’t affect me all that much, but my brother needs a double dose and he’s so loopy afterward that he can’t even walk in a straight line. Despite this, he refuses to sit still or stop talking, pretty much acting like a happy drunk.

My mom and I finally get him to sit down to watch TV with an ice pack on his face and leave the rest of the family to make sure he doesn’t get up or do anything stupid.

Me: *To our mom* “And you complained about me being boring after getting my wisdom teeth out.”

Mom: “I take it back. I take it all back. I wish he was as boring as you.”

After he finally came down from the high, our mom told him that if he ever became an alcoholic or a druggie, she would immediately ship him off to rehab because she never wanted to repeat that experience.

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She Put What In Where?!

, , , , , | Related | February 24, 2021

Cooking and baking are hobbies of mine, and whenever I make something, my family is quick to eat it all. On this occasion, I make macaroni and cheese, but I use a bunch of tricks to improve the boxed stuff, such as heavily seasoning the pasta water and making the cheese sauce in a separate pot. My mother finds my alterations odd, but my younger brothers love it and I’ll gobble it up right alongside them.

Brother #1: “What are we gonna do when you go to college and can’t make this for us anymore?”

Mom: “It’s boxed mac and cheese. I make that for you all the time.”

Brother #1: “But it’s better when [My Name] makes it!”

Mom: “What am I, chopped liver?”

Brother #2: “You like tuna in mac and cheese! You don’t get to decide what’s good!”

She never did learn to salt her pasta water… or how to make all of us tuna-hating kids see the appeal of mixing tuna into mac and cheese.

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Definitely For The Best That He Doesn’t Live Alone

, , , | Related | February 22, 2021

My brother owns a house that he can’t live in due to health issues. There’s nothing wrong with the house; he just can’t live on his own, so he has moved in with our parents. He is not comfortable with renting the house out, fully intending on moving back one day, but on finding out that a cousin is moving to our area for a six-month contract, he offers the house to him to stay in.

We have other cousins who would take advantage of this sort of thing and would hound my brother mercilessly to provide them with the house, so this needs to be kept secret. Apart from my parents, uncle, and cousin, of course, I am the only other person told about the arrangement.

Brother: “[Cousin] moved into the house last week.”

Me: “That’s great. I might call around to say hello next week.”

Brother: “No, you can’t do that.”

Me: “Why not?”

Brother: “I don’t want anyone to know he’s there.”

Me: “Yeah, I know that. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Brother: “I know you wouldn’t. I can trust you. But what if someone finds out?”

Me: “Who’s going to find out? [Cousin]? Who’s he going to tell? Himself? I think he already knows that he’s living there.”

Brother: *Confused* “What?”

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for it to click. When it does, he starts laughing.

Brother: “Oh, yeah, I forgot that.”

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Boys’ Clothes Are Harder Because They Get To Have Pockets

, , , | Related | February 16, 2021

My hobby is sewing. I love it so much that I have taken a full dressmaking course. My elder sister decided that she would get our grandmother to teach her. My sister is the type of person who always thinks they know everything. She is showing me some T-shirts she has made for her daughters. I notice a problem with some shoddy work and ask if our grandmother taught her to do it that way; she was a professional seamstress so she should have known the correct way.

Me: “Did Nanna tell you to do it like that?”

Sister: “No, she showed me how to do it [the correct way], but I decided that she was wrong so did it the way I knew was right.”

Me: “Well, you were wrong and Nanna was right. Have you made anything for [Nephew]?”

Sister: “No, boys’ clothes are too hard to make.”

Me: “No, they’re not. You can even use the same pattern for the T-shirt; just change the colour for a boy. He’s going to feel left out if you don’t.”

Sister: “Everyone knows that boys’ clothes are too hard. Anyway, he’s never going to notice.”

The next day, my five-year-old nephew gets up in front of his class to recite some news about himself.

Nephew: “My mum does sewing. She makes stuff for [Elder Sister], she makes stuff for [Younger Sister], but she don’t make nothing for me”

I felt sorry for him so I made him a T-shirt and shorts set.

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