He’s Being Panama Anal

, , , | Related | January 9, 2020

(My grandma is telling me about how she and her sister are planning on a cruise through the Panama Canal.)

Grandma: “I wanted your grandpa to come with us, but he didn’t want to go.”

Grandpa: *not even looking up from his dinner* “I’ve already been there.”

Grandma: “Honey, I keep telling you, I think this would be different from training for Vietnam!”

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Take A Holiday Chill Pill

, , , , , , , | Related | December 26, 2019

One year for Christmas, my grandmother gives me a “Christmas break survival box” to get me through the weeks I’ll be stuck in the house with my three younger brothers. It’s a creative idea, and I’m excited as I pull out a knit blanket, a few books, and a CD.

Then, I come across a red and white bottle. It looks like a pill bottle and I’m very confused. I read the brown paper label, which identifies the contents as “Brother-B-Gone. Temporary. Take four and crunch loudly so you can’t hear brothers. May also be used as a bribe to make them go away.”

I open the bottle and find it full of M&Ms. I’m relieved to find that I have not, in fact, been given a bottle of pills.

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No Confusion As To How She Feels

, , , , , | Related | December 25, 2019

Last Christmas, I was at my mom’s when we called my Nana. Mom started the call, then told her, “Okay, I’m handing the phone to [My Name] now,” and I talked to her until she was ready to hang up. Partway through the conversation, I realized that she’d forgotten that when she started reminiscing about “when you were giving birth to [My Name]…”

I felt a little sad she’d forgotten she was talking to me but decided to just let her keep her train of thought instead of interrupting to correct her. She’s 92 years old; she’s allowed to be forgetful. She talked about the day I was born, about fate, and about charity. At the end of the conversation, as she was saying goodbye, she said, “I love you.” I, of course, never had any doubt that she loved me, but I thought it was really sweet that she would say that to (who she thought was) the woman who divorced her son over twenty years ago.

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How To Ensure They Are Present

, , , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2019

(My grandmother is visiting us for Christmas. She grew up with quite a few siblings who, for various reasons, have grown apart from her over the years. Not that she’s ever minded…)

Gran: “One day, when I was a teenager, my brothers and sisters came to my room and said that because my birthday is on the 22nd December, they’d each only ever get me one present. They acted like it was such a brilliant idea, too.”

Me: “Geez, really? That must’ve hurt.”

Gran: “Well, it did at first, but it didn’t last long.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Gran: *grinning* “I started doing the same thing. It made such sense, after all.”

(To this day, my grandmother’s kids and grandkids are the only ones who make an effort as a family for the holidays. The more I hear about my great aunts and uncles, the less I wonder why.)

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If You Get This Call, It’s Time To Bail!

, , , , | Legal | December 21, 2019

(My grandparents receive a call from a scammer claiming to be me. The caller says that I got drunk, wrecked my car, and am now in jail and they need to wire $5,000 for bail. When my grandfather asks why my voice sounds different, the scammer says I have a broken nose. When my grandfather offers to drive to the police station and post bail in person, the scammer has some excuse why the money has to be wired. My grandparents recognize this as a scam and hang up. I visit them the next day.)

Grandfather: “I see your nose has healed up.”

Me: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t bail me out of jail.”

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