Deaf To Your Comment

, , , | Related | August 13, 2017

(My 94-year-old grandmother is totally deaf in her left ear, and has normal age-related hearing loss in the other. She wears a hearing aid on the right side only, and talking to her left ear is totally useless; she won’t hear you. Those of the family who have met her know this, and we are conscious of which side of her we sit on if we want to talk to her. My cousin’s wedding has people who know who my grandmother is, but I guess did not know the specifics. This takes place in the after party. My sister and I are sitting at the table, watching over our grandmother. A guy who I don’t know, but who knows my grandmother’s name, sits down next to my her, on her left side.)

Guy: “Hi, [Grandmother]! Enjoying the party?”

Grandmother: *looking somewhere else, doesn’t even notice the guy*

Me: “You’re on her bad side.”

Guy: *totally flattering and missing the message* “No, she doesn’t have a bad side.”

Sister: “You’re on her DEAF side. She can’t hear you.”

Guy: “…oh.” *gets up and leaves, not even trying*

(My grandmother never noticed. There was just too much ambient noise and people moving to-and-fro. I think if the guy had put a hand on her shoulder or something, she would have noticed and would happily have tried to talk to him.)

Use The Will Money To Buy A Volkswagen

, , , , | Related | August 7, 2017

(I am looking into buying my first car which, for some reason, has become the talk of my family. I am leaning towards the German cars because I like their design which is upsetting my great-grandfather. I get a phone call from him one morning before I leave for school.)

Great-Grandfather: “If you get a German car, I will write you out of my will.”

(And this is why I currently own a Ford.)

Don’t Know Which Story To Put Your Finger On

, , , , | Related | July 29, 2017

(My grandfather was missing a finger. As a child I had asked Dad if he knew how it happened.)

Dad: “Well, you know how Pop was in the war?”

Me: “Yes.”

Dad: “Well, someone told him it was raining one day so he put his finger outside their hideout and it got shot off.”

(He tells my sister a completely different story about Pop putting his finger in his mouth and someone hitting him in the back of the head so he bit it off. He tells her that he swallowed it. Later, as an adult, I ask Mum about it, telling her of the stories Dad had told. Seeing as it’s her father she should know the truth.)

Mum: “You should know not to believe anything your dad says. The real story is much more unusual and a bit funny. Well, one day he was working in his parents’ clothing factory. He was cutting out a thick layers of fabric with an electrical cutter that had spinning blade on it. The cutter got stuck so he pushed on it too hard and it took his finger off.”

Me: “What so funny about that?”

Mum: “He knew that he had to get the pattern cut out so he wrapped up the stump, put the finger into a box and finished the job, then worked for the rest of the day. When he got home from work that day, his mother was cooking dinner and he told her that he had cut his finger off. She didn’t believe him until he got the finger out of the box.”

(I’m still not sure which of the stories are true.)

You’ve Been Out-Street-Smarted

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2017

(My grandma never likes to waste food. Back when my mom was a kid, Grandma would always give the classic “There are children starving in Africa!” argument. Then they move to the Philippines.)

Grandma: “Finish your food. There are children starving right down the street!”

Uncle: *bolts out of his seat, picks up his plate, and heads for the door*

Grandma: “Where are you going?”

Uncle: “I’m going to go give it to them!”

(She stopped using that argument after that.)

This Is A Non-Service Announcement

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2017

(It’s about nine in the morning on a Sunday. I’m still in bed since I tend to work later hours and get to sleep around two am. The phone rings and I sleepily answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Dad: “Hey, we’re just calling to let you know. Grammie passed some time early this morning.”

Me: *not even awake enough to process what I’ve just heard* “Okay…”

Mom: “She wanted to donate her body to science, so we’re on the way to go pick up paperwork related to that.”

Me: “Oh… okay…”

(The phone call ends, I finally process what I’d just heard and cry for a while. Later I get a text from my mom.)

Text: “Grammie didn’t want a service. We’re going to be getting together later this year.”

(I guess my family is just way more matter of fact about death than I thought?)

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