I live in the only real “city” in a pretty rural area, so our big shopping mall tends to attract families who come in from nearby villages for their big stock-up trips a couple of times a year. This was back when self-checkouts were still a novelty, but our mall’s grocery store already had a few. 

I’m using one when the machine next to me frees up. A trio swoops in: a grandmother, a mother, and a little girl who’s maybe four, all clearly on an Exciting Family Shopping Adventure. Their cart is packed.

They poke at the touchscreen for a bit until they get the hang of it, and then Grandma starts scanning. After every single item, Grandma leans in and makes the most enthusiastic little “Beep!” sound.

After a minute, Mum suddenly asks:

Mum: “Mum, can I do the beep, too? I’ve always wanted to do that since I was a kid!”

Grandma bursts out laughing and says:

Grandma: “Of course! It’s fun, isn’t it? I always wanted to do it, too!”

So now both of them are doing dramatic, delighted BEEPs with every item, and the little girl gets her turn as well, with some help from her mother. They’re absolutely thrilled, and honestly? It was adorable.

The attendant monitoring the self-checkout eventually walks over, smiling so hard I thought her face might crack, and gives them a small discount.

Attendant: “Because you ladies just made my whole shift.”

An employee is helping me out with an online order at the customer service desk when another customer walks up.

Customer: “Sorry to interrupt, but I’m looking for my grandmother? She came in here to shop an hour ago and said she would be quick. She’s on a scooter.”

Employee: “Purple hair? Red scooter? Carrying a carton of ice cream with her, eating it like Popeye eats spinach by squeezing the bottom of the carton and taking bites off the top?”

Customer: *Sighs.* “That’s her.”

Employee: “You’re Gladys’s grandson? Cool! Anyway, she’ll be at the back in the bakery section, arguing with whoever is the manager back there today. Based on past experience, they’ll need rescuing.”

Customer: “Thank you… And sorry.”

The customer walks away, leaving the employee to just shrug and get on with helping me.

Me: “Never a dull day in retail, huh?”

Employee: *Forced high-pitch sing-song voice.* “You get to meet the most interesting people.”

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 13
Welcome To Retail, Part 12
Welcome To Retail, Part 11
Welcome To Retail, Part 10
Welcome To Retail, Part 9

I get sleep paralysis most of the time, and I always wake up screaming, very loudly. There are many stories related to my episodes.

So, my maternal grandma is a bit… not that nice a person. Since in Sri Lanka, many people actually follow voodoo and stuff, and my grandma is one of them, she depends on astrology. We all hate her. Just a few days ago, she overstayed her welcome.

I walked into the kitchen only to see my mom, her sisters, and my cousins laughing and cheering.

Me: “What did I miss?”

Mom: “Do you remember waking up in the middle of the night?”

Me: “No, I fell asleep at two or something. Why… did I scream again?”

Mom: “You woke up around 4 AM, went to my mother’s room, you placed a few onions, a jar of salt, and a spatula near her feet.”

Older Cousin: “Apparently, according to her, you are up to no good and were trying to cast a spell on her. You scared her so much she vowed to never return, ever again.”

Me: “I don’t remember anything, but good riddance.”

When my son was a kid, he came up to my husband and me in the kitchen:

Son: “I wanna ask a question, but I’m scared to because I know it’s a stupid one.”

Husband: “There are plenty of stupid questions; the trouble is they get exponentially more stupid the longer they’re unasked. Better to just get them out of the way.”

Son: “So, when was The War?”

Husband: “Which war?”

Son: “THE War, you know, the one grandpa fought in.”

Husband: “You mean the Second World War?”

Son: “No, not that one. The War. The… War. The one he keeps talking about.”

Husband: “There’s no war called ‘The War.’ He’s talking about World War 2.”

Son: “…so when was that?”

Husband: “1939 to 1945.”

Son: “Did he fight in any wars before that? Maybe that one was The War.”

Husband: “Son, I know I said it’s better to get stupid questions out of the way, but maybe you should stop asking this one…”

When I was twelve years old, my entire family went to Disneyland on a busy holiday weekend. We went to a restaurant for dinner, and the waitress came to take our order. My grandpa ordered first.

Grandpa: “I’d like your turkey plate.”

Waitress: “Oh, sorry, we are out of that.”

Grandpa: “Okay, then, I’ll take the meatloaf.”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, we’re out of that, too.”

Grandpa: “Fine, I’ll have the bone in ribeye.”

Waitress: “We are out of that, too.”

My grandpa got fed up, and we all decided to go somewhere else to eat. As we were leaving the restaurant. My grandpa walked up to their specials chalkboard, erased it, and wrote ‘Out of Everything’, then left.

I miss that man.