It Rums In The Family

, , , , | Related | June 21, 2018

(I am about nine and our family is on vacation in the Caribbean. I have spent most of the day down at the beach, and with the heat and the salt water I am very thirsty. There is only one stand that sells soda, and it is down on the other end of the beach. My Mom and I start walking toward it. Along the way, we run into my grandparents walking the opposite way.)

Grandma: “Where are you two going?”

Mom: “[My Name] is really thirsty, so we’re going to get her a soda.”

Grandma: “Well, I have a coke here she can have. It’s diet, though.”

Me: “I don’t care.”

(I’m just eager to drink anything. My grandma hands me her cup and I take a huge drink, and a second later I start spitting it out on the ground.)

Grandma: “It’s just diet; it’s not that bad.”

(My mom takes the cup out of my hand and takes a small sip.)

Mom: “There’s rum in this.”

Grandma: “Oh! I forgot about that.”

What Came First: The Prank Or The Egg?

, , , , , , , | Related | June 20, 2018

(Growing up, I was the kid in my family who tended to have the worst sense of humour. I was certainly a stick in the mud at school, and even at home I wasn’t very good at taking a joke. Still, my family was very close, especially after my grandparents moved to the same town as us. One day, we are visiting a nearby village and pop into a tourist store. God knows why, but they have these little rubber eggs on sale; they’re not round enough to bounce properly, just rubber eggs used for… I’ve no clue. However, having a quid burning a hole in my pocket convinces 14-year-old me that this particular trinket is worth having. That afternoon we head to my grandparents’ house for lunch. I pop into the kitchen and open the fridge, and I spot that the egg tray is just one short of being full. Looking around to make sure nobody is watching me, I grab the rubber egg out of my pocket and put it in the tray. Afterward, I pretty much forget about the whole thing… until a week later, when I am back at home.)

Mum: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Mum: “Didn’t you buy a rubber egg at that shop in [Village]?”

Me: “Oh, umm, yeah. I did. Why?”

Mum: “What did you do with it?”

(I told her about what I’d done, and she burst out laughing. It turns out, my gran tried to crack the egg, only to find that she couldn’t. Rather than realising she’d been pranked with a rubber egg, she instead took it down to her local supermarket and asked for a refund!  The employees were staring at her like she had two heads, before two of them took the egg and started playing catch. My gran still had no idea what was going on, but the chuckling manager happily gave her a free box of new ones. The next time I saw her I let her know what had happened and she spent the day with a huge grin. Apparently, what had really shocked her and my mum is that I’d managed to not tell anybody about the prank until it paid off! My gran still mentions it whenever she goes to that supermarket.)

Old School Solutions To New School Problems

, , , | Related | June 18, 2018

(This takes place every spring and summer without fail. Several times.)

Me: *sneezing* “Ugh, I hate not being able to breathe.”

Grandma: “You wouldn’t be so sick if you’d just go outside more. You need some sunshine and fresh air.”

Me: “Grandma. I am allergic to sunshine, and I’m allergic to nearly everything that’s in the fresh air right now. I just was outside, and it’s the reason I’m miserable. Can I just stay here, where I’m able to be an asthmatic vampire in peace?”

(Every time we talk. I love you, Grandma.)

Celebrating The Never-Ending Story

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2018

(I have just graduated from high school, and my grandparents want to treat me to dinner. Two weeks ago, my little cousin graduated from eighth grade; last week was my other cousin’s 16th birthday. My birthday happens to fall just a few days after the school year ends.)

Me: “Do you know what’s in four days?”

Mom: “Your birthday!”

Grandpa: “What?”

Mom: “Yeah, it’s this Wednesday.”

Grandpa: “Holy s***, does this ever end?”

Not Wise To Your Gay Agenda

, , , , , | Related | June 8, 2018

(I’m driving home with my grandfather. I’m trans, but none of my family know yet. I decide to test the waters by mentioning the recent Bathroom Bill.)

Me: “Grandpa, do you know what a trans person is?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you know what trans men and trans women are, right?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. I used to get them mixed up, so do you want me to define them?”

Grandpa: “No! I know what they are!”

Me: “Well… Do you think trans women should use the women’s restroom, or the men’s?”

Grandpa: “The women’s, obviously!”

(My heart soars.)

Me: “Really?! So, you think trans women are women, even if they weren’t assigned as women at birth?”

Grandpa: “WHAT? You tricked me! NO! Obviously not! Those freaks need to use the bathrooms on their birth certificate!”

(He went into a rant as my heart sank. I don’t think I’ll be coming out… ever.)

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