The Returning Dead

, , , , , , | | Related | July 6, 2019

(I’m working the returns desk and I have an older lady and her young granddaughter in my line.)

Me: “Could I see your card for your return?”

Lady: *digging around purse* “Where did I put my card?”

Girl: “I don’t know, Grandma.”

Lady: “Did you take it out?”

Girl: “I’m a zombie killer, not a stealer!”

Grandchildren Grow On You, Like Fungus

, , , | | Related | July 4, 2019

(I’m taking the bus to my workplace. Behind me are a grandmother and her grandchild, doing a crossword puzzle clearly intended for children. The kid is not nearly as interested as the grandmother seems to be.)

Grandmother: “All right, let’s see here. Three letters, ‘part of your foot.’ What do you think that could be?”

Kid: “I don’t know.”

Grandmother: “Come on. It’s fun! The clue is part… of… your… foot.”

Kid: “I… don’t… know.”

Grandmother: “Just take a guess! Here, look: what’s on Grandma’s foot right here?” *clearly indicating her toes*

Kid: *pause* “Fungus?”

(She quickly put down the crossword puzzle after that and said nothing else during the rest of the trip.)

Bigots Are Stupid But Assume Everyone Else Is  

, , , | | Related | July 3, 2019

(I’m explaining the tactics of a certain terrorist leader to my grandfather in the hopes that he’ll be less racist.)

Me: “It was genius, actually, the way he manipulated other countries into leaving and turned this into a very convenient America vs Daesh, us vs them, conflict. Then, how we made him a martyr. And every time one of our politicians rails against all Muslims, they gain more one more propaganda video. They know how to manipulate people. It’s why they’ve been so successful.”

Grandfather: “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “WHAT?”

Grandfather: “Where did you learn this?! Are you listening to terrorists?!”

Me: *pulling up the PBS website on my phone* “No! I learned it from here!”

Grandfather: “Why would you compliment them?!”

Me: “Because pretending our enemy is dumb only helps them!”

Grandfather: *mutters about me being radicalized*

Russian To Conclusions

, , , , , , | | Related | June 28, 2019

(My grandma has just come out of surgery but is back on the ward and we have been allowed to visit. As soon as the doctor leaves the room, she comes out with this gem.)

Grandma: “I think that doctor is Russian! He must be a spy.”

Me: “Grandma… You’re Russian.”

You’re Only As Old As You Feel

, , , , , , | | Related | June 20, 2019

My grandmother was very independent and opinionated, even as she grew older. She lived alone in a small house up the street from my family, and my dad got her a system like Life Alert — where you wear a button to summon help if you fall and can’t reach the phone — but for several years she refused to wear the button. Her reasoning was, “But that’s for old people!”

One day my dad lost his temper and yelled, “Mom, you’re 85! You are old people!”

My grandmother whacked him with her wooden spoon, but she wore her button from then on. She fortunately never needed it and lived on her own with help from family and friends until she was 92. For the rest of her life, “You are old people,” was her favorite joke!

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