What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

A Room To Keep Your Delicates

, , , , , | Right | March 11, 2018

(I’m a babysitter and my latest child, who’s six, likes to hide things. There happens to be a pile of laundry on the sofa.)

Me: “Where are the keys?”

Child: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Keys.”

Child: “Look around.”

(It goes back and forth until…)

Child: “I put it in the panty.”

(I go directly to the clothes pile.)

Child: “Why are you looking in the clothes?”

Me: “All right, which bedroom?”

Child: “I told you, in the panty! Go look in the panty!”

(I go check all the bedrooms, find nothing, and go back downstairs.)

Child: “I told you to look in the panty; you don’t look in panty! Silly!”

Me: “Enough! Just take me there.”

(The child stares at me, then pulls me over to the little room next to the kitchen and opens the door.)

Me: “Oh! You meant ‘pantry’!”

This Is Not The Virus You Are Looking For

, , , , | Related | February 23, 2018

(I have three younger brothers, the youngest of whom is about seven. The oldest brother and I often babysit him, and we’ve gotten pretty used to it. He and the next oldest brother are known for bickering over having the hallway light on, since their door has glass and one of them can’t sleep with the light on. One night, I am putting my two youngest brothers to bed, and sure enough, they start bickering. Wanting to avoid a fight, I separate them, taking my youngest brother to my parents’ room. First, he insists on bringing his stuffed dinosaur. Then, he wants his coloring book and colored pencils. At this point, I am just desperate for him to lay down, so I agree. Just as he is getting situated, I realize that I have forgotten that my parents have a television in their room. My brother loves technology, and he has a basic understanding of how they work, so he knows that computer virus = bad. However, he’s a bit gullible. He isn’t supposed to be watching television, and I know I have to do something. This is what I come up with:)

Brother: “[My Name], I want to watch TV.”

Me: “I know, but you have to wait.”

Brother: “Why?”

Me: “Right now, the TV needs some maintenance. If you watch a TV show, you could download a virus. You have to wait.”

Brother: “But I want to watch TV!”

Me: “I’ll tell you what. I’ll go and check my phone to see how much longer the maintenance will take. I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

(He comes down twice, asking how much longer there is. I tell him that it is at 30%, and that it needs more time. Eventually he gets bored and goes back to his own bed, being careful not to wake his brother up. Within ten minutes, he is asleep. I tell my oldest brother that the little one has gone back to his own bed, and we proceed to watch a movie. A couple hours later, Mom and Dad come home. Hoping to avoid awkward conversations the next day, I tell them what I told my youngest brother. Dad gives Mom a look and says:)

Dad: “The Force is strong with this one.” *turns to my brother* “Bro, she did you a solid!”

(Mom and Dad were both laughing at this point, and I felt pretty good. I have a pretty good feeling that I’ll get paid well for that night’s work.)

Babysitting An Ankle Biter

, , , , , | Related | January 5, 2018

(I am twelve. My parents go away for a weekend together while my older sister watches me at home. Saturday evening she decides that we shouldn’t sit around inside doing nothing and tells me we are going for a walk. My lazy preteen self doesn’t care for that, but I know better than to argue with her and go upstairs to get dressed. On my way back down, I trip, tumble, and end up hitting the first floor hard. It quickly becomes apparent something is wrong with my ankle. My sister helps me get to the couch, where I sit shaking and sniffling with an ice pack on my foot, while she hurriedly gathers our things to take me to urgent care.)

Sister: “You know, if you really didn’t want to go for a walk, you could have just said no!”

(All the way until we saw the doctor and I got a soft brace for my torn ligament, she talked about my “melodrama” to keep me laughing. “Just say no” became a family joke for a while after that.)

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