, , , , , | Related | March 19, 2020

(My little sister has a sleepover birthday party. We use an Echo Dot to play music for the party. It’s quite early the morning after and all of them stayed up until four in the morning before finally the last one passed out.)

Mom: “Can you go down to the basement and wake them all up for breakfast, please?”

Me: “Oh, sure.”

(I walk downstairs where all of them except for one are still asleep and I walk over to the Echo Dot still sitting on the table. The volume is still up quite loud from last night.)

Me: “Alexa, play ‘Diamonds Aren’t Forever’ by Bring Me the Horizon.”

Alexa: “Got it! Playing ‘Diamonds Aren’t Forever’ by Bring Me the Horizon.”

(I got yelled at by my mom, but it admittedly woke them all up pretty fast.)

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Drowning In Joy

, , , | Related | March 17, 2020

(When my brother is little, we call him Grins because he always has a huge one on. All the time! One day, we go to the pool and get in. He doesn’t know how to swim yet so I am tasked with carting him around the pool.)

Me: “Now, Grins, make sure you don’t grin because the water will go into your mouth and make you choke! Lips closed!”

Brother: “What, I can’t be happy?”

Me: “You can, but… just smile with your mouth closed! Okay?”

(He didn’t and started sputtering. After a while, he decided to go down the water slide without telling anyone… with a big fat grin on, of course! I swam up to him and caught him before he drowned. And yes, he did eventually learn to swim, but he didn’t like swimming anymore. I still don’t know why he just couldn’t keep his mouth closed.)

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The Agony Of De-Feet

, , , , , , | Related | March 16, 2020

Growing up, I managed to name most of the cats my family owned, for one reason or another. My favorite by far, though, had to be my brother’s cat.

When we were going through the process of naming her, we managed to narrow our options down to two choices: Socks, my brother’s suggestion, and Feet, mine. Both were in reference to her white paws, as compared to her grey body.

To keep my brother and me from arguing about it, my dad had us agree to sleep on it. That night, the household awoke to my brother screaming and cursing in his room. The reason? His cat had apparently peed on his feet while he was sleeping.

I, being the five-year-old I was, told him that she decided her name for us. I wasn’t exactly wrong.

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Bigotry Stinks

, , , , | Related | March 14, 2020

(My brother is very homophobic; he doesn’t like being called gay, even as a joke.)

Me: “I read this article where it says most men don’t touch their butts or crotches while bathing, since they think it’s gay. Can you believe that?”

Brother: “Of course; touching yourself is gross. The Bible says so.”

Me: “So, you never clean yourself? Yuck!”

Brother: “I do.”

Me: “But you just said…”

Brother: “I just let the water clean it. And, after using the bathroom, I wipe.”

Me:Ew! No wonder you smell!”

Brother: “Better than being gay!”

Me: “No wonder you can’t get a girlfriend.”

(He’d rather smell like butt than be “gay”.)

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Sometimes Family Can Drive You To Drink

, , , , , | Related | March 8, 2020

(I have been my mother’s caregiver for about eleven years. We have no car right now.)

Me: “Mom, please let me fix you something to eat. I’ve offered you everything we have in the house.”

Mom: “No. I don’t want any of that stuff.”

Me: “All of it is stuff you have eaten before. I’m not offering you anything you don’t like.”

Mom: “But I don’t want it. I want something different.”

Me: “I know that, normally, I would just go get you something, but you know we don’t have a car right now.”

Mom: “I am going to call your sister and tell her to bring me something to eat.”

Me: “Mom! You know that she doesn’t drive! Why would you want to bother her when you could just let me fix you something? Mom, please be reasonable. Just let me fix you something.”

Mom: “She has friends who drive. They won’t mind bringing me something I want.”

(Mom called my sister, told her she was hungry, and asked her to bring her something good. Not long after, my sister showed up. She stalked in and handed Mom a plate of food. She did not look at me or even speak to me to find out why Mom had called her. Then, she stalked back out. Shortly thereafter, there was a post on Facebook about someone who was so lazy that she would not even fix her mother something to eat. I was very hurt by the assumption that was made and publicly broadcast.)

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