Don’t Have A Cow, Mom!

, , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

(My middle school participates in a program that involves students helping out at a function for younger kids. I’m assigned to help in the petting zoo, which I’m really excited about since I love animals. I’m telling my mom about it afterward.)

Me: “They had a bunch of bunnies and a cranky alpaca. And there was this little calf named Valentine. He was so cute! He even sucked on my fingers!”

Mom: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Cows don’t have top teeth so he couldn’t bite me; he just sniffed at my fingers and then he started sucking. I swear I just melted. It was so cute!”

Mom: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “It was adorable!”

(I still feel happy when I remember that little cow trusting me enough to suck on my fingers.)

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You Won That Rat Race

, , , , | Learning | November 18, 2019

(I’m in class. We’ve completed most of our work and our teacher is letting us have a bit of a study hall. The classroom is on the second floor and the window, which I am seated next to, provides a nice view of the grounds. I see another teacher go outside with her small dog, who has curly white fur. I have a soft spot for animals and generally prefer them to people.)

Me: “Hey, there’s a puppy!”

(Immediately, we all crowd to the window to see.)

Classmate #1: “Awww, it’s so cute!”

Classmate #2: “It looks like a rat!”

Me: “Hey, rats are cute, too!”

Classmate #3: “You think rats are cute?”

Me: “I think basically everything with fur is cute. Have you ever seen a baby fruit bat sucking on a pacifier? They’re adorable!”

(I still hold that bats, rats, and puppies are all equal levels of adorable.)

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Cross-Species Really Gets My Goat

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 13, 2019

(I have pygmy goats which I sometimes walk on a leash at the nearby lake. Little kids often come by wanting to pet the goat, some mistaking it for a sheep. On two different occasions I have had adult women come up and ask what kind of animal I am walking.)

Me: *straight-faced* “This is a dogalope; it is a cross between a dog and an antelope.”

Woman: “I had no idea they could do such a thing!” *walks off shaking her head*

Me: *grinning to myself, also shaking my head that any adult would fall for that*

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Doing A Disservice To Service Animals

, , , , | Right | November 12, 2019

Caller: “You’re a pet-friendly hotel, correct?”

Me: “No, sorry. We only allow service animals.”

Caller: “Oh.” *pause* “Do you require paperwork for service animals?”

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, , , , , , | Friendly | November 10, 2019

My three-year-old daughter recently got a betta fish as a first pet, and one afternoon we go to the local pet store to buy a decoration for his tank. She picks out a yellow submarine and proudly walks it to the checkout counter.

As I’m paying, I feel something large and fuzzy bump into me, sending my daughter a few steps back, as well. A massive dog has jumped onto the counter and pulled the submarine down, breaking it. The dog is bigger than my daughter and she begins to cry because she can’t get to me. 

The woman holding the dog gives a token apology while doing little to rein the dog in. I have to move past the dog and pick up my daughter, who is starting to cry. The lady then proceeds to say there’s no reason to worry; her dog is fine — I wasn’t worried about the dog.

She then proceeds to talk to the clerk checking me out, demanding to know if another employee is working, all while he’s still trying to process my payment. 

The clerk discounts the damaged submarine and I head out, clutching my crying daughter, all while the woman with the dog that’s too big for her to control sits there, unsure why everyone is upset. I’ve always liked dogs, but now I know I don’t like dog people!

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