Eight Times Cuter Than Average!

, , , , | Friendly | January 17, 2020

(I do some acting lessons and groups at a company as a teen. The backstage area is pretty dirty and has a lot of spider webs as a result.)

Me: “There are two spiders right there and they are kind of big!”

Friend #1: “Ahh, really?”

Me: “What should we do? I don’t want to go near them, because I have a little arachnophobia.”

Friend #1 & Friend #2: “Me, too!”

Friend #2: “But tarantulas are pretty cute.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, they are, so furry!”

Friend #2: “Aww, and their adorable eyes!”

(They continued to talk about their love of tarantulas as I stared up at the spiders, wondering how they could say they were afraid of spiders when they found tarantulas to be cute.)

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Some People Are Terrified Of Even A Sniff Of Gay

, , , , , | Healthy | January 15, 2020

(I’m at a vet’s office for my pug when I overhear this:)

Receptionist: “No, ma’am, your dog is not gay. They sniff each other’s rear ends to introduce themselves. All dogs do it.”

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If Spiderman Was Deadpool

, , , , , , , | Learning | January 13, 2020

This is a story my dad told me from when he was a college freshman in the late ’80s. Apparently, my uncle, who was still in high school, had gotten himself a pet tarantula around that time and had it in some sort of cage-type setup in their kitchen.

One day, not long before spring break, my grandmother was tasked with feeding it and, naturally, the tarantula jumped out of its cage and fled right into a sink filled with dishes and soapy water and died. 

When my dad came home not long after, he ended up taking the tarantula’s corpse and shellacking it to a piece of wood in a way that made it look like it was still alive. He then brought it back with him to school a few days earlier than he’d initially planned. During those few extra days, he put up several “Missing Pet” signs for it all over campus. 

As people in his dorm started returning, he would sneak the dead tarantula into their rooms while he pretended to help them with their luggage, and, since this wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, they never suspected anything until they ended up finding it. He told me he lost count of how many people he pranked in his dorm before word got out of what he was doing.

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Dogs Reveal All Truths

, , , , | Romantic | January 9, 2020

(This story was told to me by a friend of mine who works as a technician in a vet clinic. I asked her to tell me about some of the craziest experiences she’s had, and even though she has dealt with a lot of outrageous customer scenarios, this one surpasses them all.)

Customer: “My dog has been acting strange and vomiting, and I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

Vet Tech: “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll examine him and figure out what’s going on.” 

(They end up having to do an x-ray of the dog. Sometime later…)

Vet Tech: “Well, ma’am, it seems your dog has eaten something that he cannot digest. We can see a foreign body on the x-ray, but we can’t tell what it is. We will have to remove it for the dog’s safety.”

Customer: “Of course, do whatever you have to. I just can’t imagine what he could have eaten. He’s not usually interested in eating anything he shouldn’t around the house.”

(The vet goes ahead with the operation, and everything goes well. While the dog is recovering, the technician goes to tell the customer about the foreign object they removed.)

Vet Tech: “Good news, ma’am; your dog is doing just fine. Here’s the object we removed.” *embarrassed pause* “It seems to be a pair of your underwear.”

Customer: *much longer embarrassed pause, staring at the underwear with a strange look on her face* “Those… aren’t mine.”

(The dog made a full recovery, but the customer’s relationship with her boyfriend did not! What a way to find out about a cheating significant other.)

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Her Brain Cells Are Extinct

, , , | Right | January 8, 2020

(I work at a zoo, specifically running an “encounter” where guests can feed the giraffes. It’s a very common type of attraction at various zoos throughout the country. A young woman comes up to me with a question.)

Guest: “Hi. So, you know those signs on the exhibits saying whether the animal is endangered or not?”

Me: “Yes?”

Guest: “Where is the one for the giraffes?”

Me: “It’s down on the other side of the exhibit. It’s that sign there, but I can just tell you if you’d like.”

Guest: “Oh, no, thank you. I just need a picture of the sign. My best friend thinks giraffes are extinct.”

Me: “You could probably take a picture of yourself with the actual giraffes, too, I suppose.”

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