We’ve Been Hanging Around With Different People

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

Me: “There’s two squirrels running along the back fence. I can’t tell if they’re flirting or fighting.”

Dad: “Well, if they’re both boys or girls, they’re probably fighting. Otherwise, they’re flirting.”

Me: “Yeah, but how can you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!”

Dad: “You just need a pair of binoculars.”  

Me: “Right… and how do you sex a squirrel with binoculars?”

Dad: “Easy; you wait until they turn around and lift up their tail.” *takes sip of coffee, totally serious* “It’s the same thing with people.”


A Disturbing Kind Of Monkey Business

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2018

(My mom, her boyfriend, and I are in the zoo on a hunt for a new baby monkey that was just born a few months ago. It’s on the other side of the huge place, and by the time we get there we’re sweating and already annoyed with people disrespecting animals and not reading what they are. We find the baby and it’s super cute! We’re on a built path that is above ground with random gaps in the wall around us. We’re silently watching it climb all over the trees and the top of the enclosure when I hear a mom say:)

Mother: “Oh! It wants to hold your hand!”

Son #1: “It’s so cute!”

(All three of us whip our head to where the kid is. He’s poking four of his fingers through a gap in the wall. Right away I’m in a bit of a panic, waiting for the kid to scream or something, and for the mother to go ballistic and demand for the monkey to be killed.)

Mother: “Here comes the baby!”

Son #1: “They’re licking me!”

Daughter: “I want to touch it!”

Son #2: “Me, too!”

(Now all three of us are worriedly looking at each other. Now that both the mother and baby monkeys have licked and touched the kid, they got whatever is on his hands! They could get sick with something that we can’t! Plus, it’s a baby; they already don’t have much of an immune system!)

My Mom: *whispering* “We have to tell somebody.”

(We started to walk off when we noticed the mother was sticking her ENTIRE arm out of the walkway! We went speed-walking through the rest of the zoo, searching for an employee. We got to an older lady and she took out her walkie-talkie and reported it. I believe we saved that baby, and hopefully kept from any other monkey from getting sick. There was already one that was — he was being quarantined — so I bet that’s how he got sick.)

There’s Always A Bigger (Priced) Fish

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I work in a grooming salon inside a popular pet supply store. It’s about two or three minutes before the store closes, but I’ve just closed the salon and am checking out with a bag of cat food before I head home. At the register next to me, I overhear a conversation.)

Customer: “I recently bought a fish here, but it died, and I would like to buy this fish now for the same price as I got the last one.”

Cashier: *looks at the receipt she shows him* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the fish you had is not the same as this fish. This species of fish is a little more expensive.”

Customer: “Look. This is the third time I’ve wasted my time and gas coming down here. I want this fish for a dollar.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, this is not the same species of fish. I can’t sell it to you at the same price as another species.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I had to leave right after that, and I have no idea what the manager did. I was just taken aback that a woman walked in right before closing and demanded a fish for a dollar for absolutely no reason.)

Entitlement Will Get You Bit

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 4, 2018

(While my enormously large mountain dog looks like an actual teddy bear and is extremely gentle and well-behaved, he likes his personal space and doesn’t care for strangers’ attention. Therefore, I never take him to public places if I can avoid it. On this day, however, I am forced to take a two-hour train ride with him. In an effort to get strangers to keep their distance, I dress my dog in his custom yellow harness that has the words, “DO NOT TOUCH,” written on it in large black letters. Besides that, he has a yellow ribbon – international symbol for “I need space” – tied to his leash. At the train station, we wait calmly in the furthest corner of the platform until the coast is clear. As we make our way toward the pet car, I see faces in a different car pressed against the window, staring at us. I ignore it, get in, and find our designated seats: a normal aisle seat for me, and a low platform where the window seat would normally be for the dog. I spread the dog’s blanket on his seat, and he settles down with his head on my lap. I casually stroke his ears, and as I wait for the ticket inspector, I rest my eyes for a moment. Out of nowhere, I feel air move around me, and the warm weight of my dog’s head on my lap is suddenly gone. I open my eyes to see a mother with two young children, one of who is eagerly trying to reach the dog over my lap.)

Me: *blocking the access to the dog much as I can with my body* “Whoa, hey! Don’t do that.”

Strange Mother: “My kids want to pet the dog.”

Me: “Sorry, he doesn’t like to be touched by str—”

Strange Mother: *scoffs* “That’s not true. I saw you petting him just now.”

Me: “As I was saying, he doesn’t like to be approached or touched by strangers. I’m sure you can see the large text on his harness and that he has pulled as far away from you as possible.”

Strange Mother: “Nonsense. All dogs like to be petted. I don’t understand why you’re being like this. My kids have a long trip ahead of them! Just let them pet the dog already!”

Me: *thinking to myself, “Are you for real?!” but trying to avoid a conflict and making a scene* “He does not want strangers to touch him. Many dogs don’t. I’m afraid you’ll need to find something else to do to pass the time.”

Strange Child: “Muuuuum, I want to cuddle the doggy!”

Me: “Sorry, sweetie, you can’t.”

Strange Mother: ”Yes, you can. Just call for the dog like this.”

(The mother suddenly lunges at my dog, almost punching me in the process, and starts going, “Here, doggy, doggy,” aggressively at him. The dog lets out a startled growl. The mother shrieks and jumps back. Her children start crying. Everyone is now staring at us.)

Me: *in complete disbelief* “What the h*** are you doing?”

Strange Mother: “The dog tried to bite me!”

Me: “He certainly did not.”

Strange Mother: “Liar! That dog is vicious! How could you bring such a beast on public transport?!”

Me: *getting mad despite myself* “Are you kidding me? The dog was minding his own business when you came here, all entitled, acting like he is some toy for your kids to play with. I asked you way more nicely than you deserved to leave him be. You basically assaulted us both, and now you think you’re the victim because you got growled at? Most other dogs would have taken a bite out of you for doing something that stupid!”

Strange Mother: “You can’t talk to me like that!”

Me: “I can, and I will. You need to leave.”

(The mother threw a few insults at me, and then finally grabbed her wailing children and left the car. It took a good ten minutes of distractions and several treats for my dog to stop panting anxiously and to calm down, but thankfully the rest of our journey was uneventful. I’d had my share of people overly eager to pet my dog before, but never someone who wouldn’t take a polite no for an answer. Even though my dog seems unscarred by the incident, these days I am even more reluctant to take him out in public. The thing that gets me the most about the whole thing, though, is the idea that a mother would insist on letting her small children approach a large, unfamiliar dog when specifically warned the dog was not friendly.)

That’s Exactly What “Expired” Means

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work in the grooming salon at a popular pet supply store. It’s a fairly normal day, not too busy, so when a walk-in comes in I’m more than happy to help. The salon requires all pets over four months of age to have updated rabies vaccinations for any and all services; if the rabies vaccines have expired or aren’t in our system yet, we require pet parents to bring proof of rabies paperwork. For legal purposes, a rabies tag isn’t acceptable for documentation.)

Me: “All right, it says here that your dog’s rabies vaccines expired in May of last year. If those vaccinations are up to date now, we’ll need proof of rabies paperwork before we can get him checked in.”

Customer: “Well, they should be all up to date. I didn’t bring paperwork with me. I’ve never been asked for it before.”

(This is clearly not true, since the past vaccine dates are in the system. Nonetheless, I offer to call her vet’s office to get verbal confirmation over the phone. I’m on hold for about fifteen minutes, which is fine, but at the end the vet just confirms that the rabies shots have not been administered since last time and the dogs are overdue by a year. I tell the woman this.)

Customer: *getting visibly angry* “No, they’re not expired! I just have to get them done again! So, what, because those shots aren’t up to date, he just has rabies now? This is bulls***! I’ve never been asked for rabies paperwork before! If you change your policies, you need to tell your customers! You know what? We’ll see about this!”

(She marched out of the salon and into the store. When my salon manager got to work that day, she told me that the woman had bypassed speaking to a store manager and actually called corporate to complain. Nothing came of it; the policy’s always been that way. I was just doing my job.)

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