Something Fishy About Why He’s Buying Them

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2021

A staff member calls me to the front to deal with an unruly customer. He’s trying to get his own fish while she’s helping another customer. He grabs his own specimen container bags from under our fish cupboard and has elastics already.

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “I want the buy-three-get-one-free fish.”

I can see he is high by his demeanor and behavior, but no big deal; people come in high all the time.

Me: “What type of tank do you have?”

Customer: “I just bought a reptile online and need to feed it.” 

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, these aren’t feeder fish. They are bred for pets and we can only sell them if they are going to be housed in the appropriate husbandry.”

Customer: “I don’t want your f****** feeder fish; I want these f****** fish.”

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing at me. I am happy to help you by selling you feeder fish for your reptile.”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you to tell me I can’t buy these f****** fish?” 

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing at me. I am willing to sell you feeder fish. These are bred as pets…”

Customer: “What’s your f****** name?” 

Me: “[My Name].”

Customer: “What’s your last name?”

Me: “You don’t need that, sir; they’ll know who I am.”

Customer: “Are you the store leader?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I sure am.”

Customer: “I’m f****** calling to complain that you wouldn’t f****** sell me fish.”

Me: “No problem, sir. At this point, I am going to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “Oh, I am f****** leaving.”

Me: “Oh, and sir, when you call, please make sure you tell them you were buying these fish as feeders. And have a wonderful day.”

Customer: “F*** you.”

Oh, fine, sir. Tonight’s cocktail will be dedicated to your hungry lizard.

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Fancy Butcher’s Chicken By The Case, The Meaning Of Expensive Taste

, , , , , | Related | May 12, 2021

When we have Christmas dinner in our household, we have roast chicken and all the trimmings. It’s usually just the local supermarket’s chicken; it’s got a lot of water in it and it’s not the best quality, but it feeds four for cheap with some leftovers for the cat. We also sometimes have roast chicken for Sunday lunch — again, just a cheap supermarket one, without the trimmings.

Regardless of whether we put the chicken on the table or on the side, we have no issues with our cat going for it whilst we are eating. He would never get on the table if we got up and left the chicken unattended. He always waits until his portion is put on the floor. Then, he absolutely devours it. It’s gone within seconds and he’s licking the plate. He likes his chicken, even though it is just cheap stuff.

When our cat was seventeen, he had some arthritis going on and generally disliked jumping. That Christmas, my grandpa bought us a butcher’s chicken. This particular butcher was well known in the area and was pretty expensive, to boot. Mum cooked it and we popped it in the middle of the table and went back to the kitchen to carry the trimmings through.

When we returned to the table, our elderly cat — who hated jumping — was there, head in the chicken, chomping away. We got him away, which was a struggle, and then we had to fight to keep him off the table and remove him from the kitchen counters. It hit a point that, for the first time since we’d gotten this kitty, we had to shut him out of the kitchen and dining room whilst we ate. He still got his chicken after. He also badgered us for more, which did happen usually but not normally with biting involved.

And ever since that chicken, our cat has turned his nose up to the supermarket chicken.

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That Kid Doesn’t Miss Shark Week

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2021

I am enthusiastic about fish and sharks, and I volunteer at a small aquarium that features local ocean species. The center exhibit contains very small sharks, hardly longer than a foot, with lithe bodies and brown patterns.

Visitor reactions vary. Some can get as close as “sand shark” or “dogfish.” Kids often run in shouting, “Tiger shark!” or else ignore them, thinking they aren’t sharks at all. Adults sometimes are fooled, too, and I have heard them more than once identified as, of all things, eels. I love the reactions when I tell them those really are sharks. Their small size doesn’t help much, as it means having to listen to parents singing Baby Shark until I inform them and their kids that these are adult sharks.

Imagine my surprise when a little boy, maybe six or seven tops, ran in and shouted, “CHAIN CATSHARK!”

To this day, that was the only time I didn’t have to inform a visitor of what species they were looking at. I hadn’t even heard of the species myself before volunteering there, and I’m obsessed. And yet, this boy had. His parents explained that he just loved sharks. I was proud.

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A Not-So-Bella Notte

, , , , , | Legal | May 3, 2021

We recently got a new German shepherd puppy named Bella. We live in a decent neighborhood, but there have been several instances of pets going missing. To avoid that, someone is always with Bella.

One day, my mother was alone with Bella in the front yard, and Mom went inside to use the restroom. When she came back, Bella was missing. Mom searched for hours and we joined her when we got back. Mom cried because she felt so guilty, and we were angry with her for leaving Bella alone. 

Then, we got a call from one of our nicer neighbors saying he’d seen Bella and she was with another neighbor whom we did not like and who did not like us. 

My dad and I went to confront the nasty neighbor, and we saw Bella right away in his house, barking her head off. My dad rang the doorbell and the nasty neighbor answered.

Neighbor: “What do you want?”

Dad: “Give us our dog back.”

Neighbor: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He kept playing stupid. My dad would have punched the dude, but I held him back and called the police. A police car came a few minutes later and we explained the issue. She went to go talk to the neighbor and then asked us to provide proof that Bella was our dog. We showed her the pictures and Bella’s rabies tag, and she ordered the neighbor to give us our dog back. She asked us if we wanted to press charges, and we said yes. Our neighbor was charged with stealing our puppy and lying to police for telling the officer that the dog was his. Now he glares at us every time we’re out, and we’re more careful about watching Bella.

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You Can Tell It’s A Cat By The Way That It Is

, , , , , | Friendly | May 1, 2021

My friend is watching my Maine Coon while I’m out of town for a few weeks, sometimes staying the night so the cat isn’t alone. The cat is on a vet-approved diet to lose a few pounds, so no kitty treats, only a measured amount of food. One night, [Friend] calls me via video chat.

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Friend: “Your cat is a fat b*****d.”

Me: “Yes. And?”

Friend: “I decided to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner here tonight and your cat was sitting by the table, watching me eat it. He kept trying to reach up and steal a piece and I kept pushing him back down. I told him he wasn’t allowed and he got very upset.”

Me: “Yes, he’s horribly neglected and wasting away. I know; he tells me all the time.”

Friend: “I went to the garage to get a beer from the fridge out there and I came back and saw this.”

He turns the camera to see an empty plate on the table.

Me: “Oh, no.”

He shows me the tell-tale trail leading off the table, across the kitchen, and into the living room, and then stops on my cat trying to drag the chicken under a recliner. Unfortunately, the chair is too low for my huge cat and his prey, so he resorts to trying to pick the carcass clean, grumbling, and making eye contact with [Friend].

Friend: “He won’t let me take it.”

Me: *Laughing* “I’m so sorry. I’ll send you money for another one.”

Friend: “Oh, no, I was pretty much done with it. I’m just showing you what a greedy brat you’ve raised.”

I did send money anyway, both for the chicken and to cover the carpet cleaning. Eventually, [Friend] did wrestle the chicken away, though he paid with his skin. And, if you’re wondering, my cat is almost to his appropriate weight.

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