Mom Thinks Your Problem Is Licked

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(One teacher sends drug dogs to do a search at my high school. I have undiagnosed autism and bipolar disorder. The mere idea of anyone, even a dog, touching my backpack is enough to freak me out for days. My mom is also a teacher there.)

Mom: “Don’t worry. The dogs didn’t actually sniff anything. It was just practice.”

Me: *pulls out my breakfast* “Well, someone licked the cream cheese on my bagel.”

(My mom continued to insist no one had been in the bags. I got another breakfast.)

Dogged With Complaints

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2017

(I work front desk at a hotel. We have a strict policy on pets. While pets are welcome to stay at the hotel, we do charge a hefty price for their stay. On this particular day there is a local dog show event in the area. We’ve been getting guests all day staying with their dogs. This guest is no different.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Hotel]. Checking in?”

Guest: “Yes, I would like to get a room for the night. It’s just me and my friend, so we would like a room with two beds in it.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. So, what brings you to the area?”

Guest: “Oh, I was showing my dogs at the local dog show.”

Me: “Oh, that’s sounds awesome. Just so that you’re aware, we are pet friendly, but it is $20 per pet per night.”

(Guest stops mid-sentence and looks at me like I just slapped her across the face.)

Guest: “Excuse me? That is a rip off!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but it is our company policy.”

Guest: “But they’re show dogs! They’re not some ordinary filthy animal; I demand I be charged less for my dogs. I want to speak to a manager!”

(So, of course I oblige and call my district manager and tell him about the situation. He tells me that it’s all right if I charge her only $10 per dog as long as she doesn’t have more than two dogs with her in the room.)

Me: “I just got off the phone with my manager. He said that we can reduce the cost of fee down to $10 per dog. How many dogs will be staying with you?”

Guest: “That’s the best you can do?! This is ridiculous! They’re show dogs! I should not be charged this much for them.”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I’m sorry for this inconvenience, but that is as low as I can go on the price.”

Guest: “Fine! I’ll just go somewhere else!”

(Guest leaves in a huff. I go back to what I was doing. Not even an hour goes by when the same guest comes back, practically yelling the entire transaction.)

Guest: “Well, I guess we are just going to have to take the room. No one else around here will accept my dogs! I demand we have a room next to an entrance on the first floor away from other guests.”

Me: “I only have a couple rooms left; we are rather full tonight. I will try to get you as close to an entrance as possible.”

Guest: “Unbelievable!” *shaking head, looking like I’m the stupidest person she ever saw*

Me: “I am able to get you a room on the first floor and it’s as close to one of the entrances I can find. I just need you to sign and initial this registration.”

(On our registration form, the guest must initial for the rate they agreed to pay, initial if they brought any pets and how many, and sign at the bottom. Once the registration form is signed, no refund can be given if they have an issue with the price of the room, and if there is any damage done to the room they will be charged for the incidentals. She signed the registration form stating on it that she only had two dogs in the room and left with her keys. Now, at the front desk, we have a screen with cameras on it that cover all the hotel and entrances. I watch as she starts to unload into her room. She and her friend bring in not two dogs, but five! Needless to say, with permission from the manager I charged her the original price of $20 per pet for the additional dogs. I heard later that she talked with my manager about the extra charges and he pretty much told her off, in a polite way, of course. Thankfully we didn’t hear from her again.)

They Don’t Smell A Rat… Until You Tell Them

, , , , | Friendly | June 23, 2017

(I keep fancy rats as pets. Occasionally I’ll take them out for walks riding on my shoulder (with leash and harness). They are very friendly and inquisitive and would never bite, but unfortunately conversations like these happen often.)

Stranger: “Awww, what’s that on your shoulder?” *pets rat, who is licking their hand*

Me: “This is [Rat]. She’s very friendly!”

Stranger: “Awwww, what a cute name! I really love hamsters! They’re so sweet!”*keep in mind they’re still petting her*

Me: “Actually, she’s a rat.”

(The reaction is immediate. They leap back in shock, staring at me and my rat like I just killed a child, and then look at their hand.)

Stranger: “Oh, my God, how could you?! That’s disgusting! It could kill you! Get rid of it!”

(Yes, even though they were just stroking her and singing the rat’s praises, as soon as they found out she was a rat they instantly hate her. Plus, during this whole conversation the rat’s tail was clearly visible. I don’t know how you could mistake her for a hamster…)

Must Be One Of Those IPAs Or Something

, , , , , | Right | June 20, 2017

Customer: “What sort of alcohol would you recommend for a single lady in her mid 30s who lives by herself?”

Me: “Cats.”

Dad Explains Things In Black And White

, , , | Related | June 19, 2017

(A few years back, our local black coal power-plant managed to only coat HALF the village in ash, divided down a freakishly straight line. The damage was minimal — just a few loads of dirtied laundry that were hanging out to dry and things like that. It got a little bit of news coverage locally, so they filmed in the affected areas and talked to a few pedestrians, which were quite hard to find since we live in a village and they filmed while most people were at work. They did, however, find and interview my dad.)

Reporter: “Do you live in the side of the village that was affected by the falling ash?”

Dad: “Yes, I do.”

Reporter: “How bad was the damage for you?”

Dad: “Really bad; I mean, look at the dog. He’s usually white.”

(He indicates our black cocker spaniel. For reasons he still doesn’t understand, his interview wasn’t among the ones that were aired.)

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