The Only Floor That Should Be Discussed Is The Sales Floor

, , , , , , | Right | January 19, 2018

(I work in the animal department of a big pet store chain. My job is to take care of all the animals in the store, answer customers’ questions, and sell the animals. I tend to lurk around the rodent department because it’s what I know best, and I help customers when I see them browsing. This day there is a young couple eyeing the hamsters, and I speak with the woman.)

Me: “They’re cute, right? Were you looking at getting a hamster today?”

Customer: “Yeah, they are cute. We’ve never had a pet before, and we both work full time, so we thought it was time for one.”

Me: *already getting the gut feeling* “Okay, well, let me walk you through a bit about hamsters.”

(I explain their nesting habits, their personalities, everything. I show the cages, the food, and everything they could need, give a rough price estimate, explain how often they need to clean the cage, tell them to find an exotic/small animal vet, etc.)

Customer: “Hmm. Well, don’t the cages stink?”

Me: “Not if you take care to clean them often enough.”

Customer: “Can’t we just let it run around on the floor?”

(Needless to say, I pointed at the aisle with the animal books and told them they should probably do a bit more research before they bring an animal home. I’ve since quit working there.)

Very A-Mew-sing

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(One day I get a call from a telemarketer. I’m alone in the house, aside from the family pets.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, I am calling from [Company] about [something we don’t need]. I need to speak with Timothy.”

Me: “Um, well, there is a Timothy here, but I’m pretty sure he’s not the one you want to talk to.”

Telemarketer: “If Timothy is there, put him on the line! This is extremely important!”

Me: “All right. If you say so.” *holding the phone towards Timothy* “Timothy, you have a phone call.”

Timothy: “Meow!”

(My dad and my cat are both named Timothy.)

Elvis Has Left The Kennel

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I do portraits of people’s pets — mostly dogs and cats — though I have done a few other animals, like turtles. My customers are generally very easy to work with, but this one just… I don’t even know.)

Customer: “Hi, I hear you do pet portraits?”

Me: “Yes, indeed, I do! Would you like to purchase one?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a portrait of my dog, Elvis.”

Me: “Sounds good! I can set up an appointment for you pretty much anytime next week. If you would like me to draw Elvis wearing a specific collar or accessory, feel free to bring that in with him, but I have collars and leashes of my own if you’d rather.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t be bringing him in.”

Me: “Um… Well, I don’t generally do house calls, but if Elvis is unable to leave the house, maybe we can work something out?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not the problem. You see, Elvis is dead. He passed away, oh, about six years ago, now.”

Me: “Oh. Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t do a portrait of a dog that’s no longer with us.”

Customer: “But can’t you just do it from memory?”

Me: “Well, I could maybe if I had known Elvis, but I didn’t, so… No?”

Customer: “Well, that’s a shame. Thanks, anyway!”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

(I honestly have no idea what she had in mind for me to do.)

Bean There, Done Cat

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 16, 2018

(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

Exisssstential Crisisssss

, , , , , , | Related | January 13, 2018

(My family and I are going for a bike ride in the forest when I see a dead snake on the path. We all stop to look at it and are expressing our sympathy [“Aw, poor thing,” etc.] when my youngest sister, probably about three years old, suddenly comes out with this gem:)

Sister: “So, snakes do exist!”

(We all cracked up and tried to figure out where that came from. She had seen snakes in the zoo before, so we still have no idea why she would say that.)

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