Woof, That Joke Is Ruff

, , , , , , , | Learning | June 14, 2021

My dad taught our childhood dog commands in both English and Spanish. For example, “sit” and “toma asiento” would both get her to sit down. In first grade, we had a pet show and students could bring in either a live animal or a stuffed one. I proudly showed off my dog and her tricks.

Me: “Sit.”

She sat and then got back up.

Me: “Toma asiento.”

She sat again.

Teacher: “Wow, your dog speaks Spanish!”

Me: *Incredulous* “What? No, she only barks.”

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Spider Dress, Spider Dress, Causing Customers Great Distress

, , , , , | Working | June 11, 2021

My friend and I like going to thrift stores and just looking around, even if we’re not going to buy anything. One day, we notice a very nice wedding dress and I decide to try it on. I pick it up and start walking with it to the changing rooms. I happen to look into the dress and see a large spider. My idea of a large spider is about two inches long, and I have severe arachnophobia. I freak out.

The attendant comes over and pulls the spider out.

Attendant: “It’s just a spider, dear.”

It may be just a spider, but it is in a dress that I was about to try on. No one wants to wear a spider dress.

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This Lesson Really Bites

, , , , , , , , | Working | June 10, 2021

I have submitted a few stories about my father-in-law, including this one. My father-in-law is a pretty smart man, especially when it comes to anything construction, and the company he has worked with for several decades really values him.

This story happened back in the early 1970s when he was much younger and my father-in-law would never dream about doing this now.

He was on a job site near a swamp where an alligator was hanging out. My father-in-law always had pets of all kinds and loved to feed anything that came near him. He would bring extra lunch and raw chicken for this almost two-foot-long alligator. This alligator was the darling of the crew and everyone really loved seeing him.

Also on this job site was a thief. My father-in-law would gladly lend out his expensive tools or even give them away to those who really needed them. Apparently, someone on the job site decided to just break into his truck and take the tools without asking and never returned them. My father-in-law bought a new lock and later came back to the truck to find it broken off and another expensive tool gone. This really ticked him off, so he decided to make sure that thief never did it again.

First, my father-in-law backed his truck up in front of a briar patch — very prickly thorny bushes that you don’t want to get into. Next, he went and found the alligator, put him in the back of his truck along with some chicken, and then closed the door.

It took but two hours before the crew heard yelling and screaming from the parking area. They came running and found a very scared and scratched-up man in the bushes and an angry alligator coming out of the back of the truck. The alligator walked back to the swamp, hissing at the thief along the way. The thief, knowing he got caught and looking quite ashamed of himself, went off to get some bandaids for his scratches. There was never any talk about it, but nothing was ever stolen again from anyone on the site.

The alligator still came up to my father-in-law every day at lunchtime waiting to be fed and eventually brought along some friends. My father-in-law said the hardest part about finishing that job was saying goodbye to his “friends.” Every time he was in the area, even decades later, he would stop by that part of the swamp and feed the alligators there. He would actually sit on the bank next to them and they didn’t react at all. There was one that he swore was his old friend that was eight feet long the last time he saw it.

Related:
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 3
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 2
This Lesson Really Stings

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Snakes Are Un-bear-able!

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2021

I am a born and raised city girl from California. I am chatting on Facebook with a friend in Australia about how she found two poisonous snakes in her garden mating and called someone to get them out. She knows that I have a hardcore snake phobia but also that I am DYING to go to Australia.

Me: “Please tell me they put the snakes in a bag, threw the bag into a river, and threw the river into the sun.”

Friend: “Oh, they are just part of the natural environment, like your cougars, bears, or rattlers.”

Me: “My dear lady, I am from a city where cougars are forty-year-old women with twenty-six-year-old boyfriends, bears are large hairy homosexuals, and rattlers are crappy cars driven by teenagers. I do not do ‘outside’!”

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Birds Of A Feather… Don’t Want To Be Touched!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | June 4, 2021

I am visiting family in San Diego right when all the restrictions are lifted and I happen to have my blue and gold macaw, Wendy, with me. Wendy likes to travel and goes almost everywhere with me. She is very funny and polite. However, there is one caveat: for whatever reason, she does NOT like men. She won’t actively attack a man, but she does freak out when one comes near her and she’s not expecting it or she doesn’t know him.

We stop at a donut shop. I am feeding Wendy a piece of blueberry donut. She is on my shoulder, minding her own business, enjoying her treat, when all of a sudden I can feel her rock back, dig her talons into my flesh, and let out a little yell. I turn and some drunk lady has decided to take it upon herself and pull on my bird’s long tail. As if that isn’t an issue enough, once Wendy turned to investigate, the lady’s very tall boyfriend happened to be there and that’s when Wendy really freaked out.

Me: “Don’t touch my bird!”

Drunk Woman: *Whining* “Buuuut I just wanna pet it.”

Me: “You don’t just grab someone’s pet without asking.”

My sister interjects to try to keep the peace.

Sister: “Plus, she’s afraid of men.”

Drunk Boyfriend: *Gesturing to the lady* “Clearly, she is a female.”

Me: “Clearly, you are not.” 

Don’t touch someone’s animal without asking, and don’t get shocked when you get yelled at when you do.

Wendy was unharmed and enjoyed the rest of her treat.

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