Hit The Motherlode

, , , , , , , | Friendly Romantic | November 15, 2019

(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out in the starting town when a random low-level player starts following me. Note: I’m 30 and she’s 27, and we’ve both been playing this game together since high school.)

Random Player: “Hey, [My Username]!”

Me: “Yes?”

Random Player: “Free money, please?”

Me: “You can make money by killing goblins or cows, or by fishing or mining.”

Random Player: “I don’t want to do that! Give me 500k or I’ll do your mom in bed!”

Me: “Okay, that’s actually very disturbing.”

Random Player: “What, can’t handle me sleeping with your mom?”

Girlfriend: “No, he means it’s disturbing that you’re turned on by sixty-year-old married women.”

(The random player briefly stands there, silent, and then runs off without saying another word.)

Me: *shouting out of my office to my girlfriend* “You’re definitely a keeper, babe!”

(She responded by making her avatar blow my avatar a kiss in-game. A moment later, she waltzed into my office and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We have now been married for three years, and we still play that MMO together from time to time.)

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Homeowners Gotta Start Younger Every Year

, , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2019

My youngest sister is ten years younger than me, and even though we have her phone number — and ours, too, for that matter, not that it works — on the do-not-call registry, we still have cases of spam and telemarketers trying to call her. Usually, if we see it is an unsaved number, one of us — me, our other sister who is only two years younger than me, or our mom — grabs it and if it does turn out to be telemarketing, tells them off.

At this time, the sister in question is twelve years old and has a friend over. Both have their phones in the living room and are playing in her room.

I hear buzzing and try to figure out which phone before I call the wrong kid, find it’s my sister’s, and call her, but I decide to answer her phone regardless to tell them she’s coming because it had been going off for a while before I found it. I see the number on the screen is unknown, unsaved, and answered.


A male voice says, “Hello?”

I ask, “Who is this?”

He then says his name and starts saying something about being with a group that is supposed to help homeowners; he is kind of hard to understand. But I do hear “homeowner” and cut him off as my sister and her friend get to the living room. I am stern, but I try not to be an a**hole because I work in retail and know how it can be, even if these guys do usually have it coming.

“This is my twelve-year-old sister’s phone. Put this number on your do-not-call list.”

There is kind of a long pause and I expect him to just hang up like they usually do when pausing this long after hearing that. But then he asks, “All right. Is there a homeowner available, then?”

I’m still being firm because I want to get him off the phone. “No, there isn’t.”

He was already getting a tone the last time he spoke, but now he goes into full-blown attitude and sarcasm. “Ohhh, so a twelve-year-old girl lives by herself, then?”

I am completely caught off guard and now I’m pissed and put more of a tone in my voice. “I never said she lives in her own. I said that the homeowner is not available!”  

He then hangs up.

But seriously, how does it click in someone’s mind that when I say a homeowner is not available that I am automatically trying to tell them a twelve-year-old kid lives by themselves and therefore I am lying to them? Excuse me? Obviously, either the parent is not around, or we rent and the landlord, ergo homeowner, is not around. Seriously.

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They Missed You Since Breakfast  

, , , | Right | October 22, 2019

(I work as a hostess for a restaurant. I hear a conversation between two of the servers.)

Server #1: *to another server* “You have table seventy, right? I was their server a couple of hours ago for breakfast. Who eats here for two meals a day?”

Server #2: “Wow, so they were here for breakfast and they came in again? That’s pretty weird.”

(A little while later, I notice a table next to these customers that is dirty, so I go over to bus it. I walk past them but have my back turned to the customers. Then, I hear this customer yell:)

Customer: *in a really loud sing-song way* “[Server #1]! [Server #1]!”

(I finish busing and I turn around and head towards the kitchen when the customer who keeps yelling waves me over. I walk up to the table.)

Customer: “Are you [Server #1]?”

([Server #1] is about ten years older than me. She has short, black hair and I have long, dirty blonde hair. She has her nose pierced and a pretty noticeable tattoo behind her ear. I have neither. She is about a head taller than me and she has a server uniform on while I am just wearing nice clothes. We look nothing alike.)

Me: “No, I am not.”

Customer: “Well, we were in here earlier and we had a server named [Server #1].”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *turns to his adult daughter who is just giving me a weird stare* “This isn’t [Server #1].”

Daughter: “I know.”

Customer: “Is [Server #1] still here?”

Me: “Yes, she is.”

Customer: “Okay, tell her I said hi!”

(I go to [Server #1] and tell her what happened.)

Server #1: “Yeah, I am not going over there; that guy was weird.”

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We Gonna Party Like It’s Not Your Birthday  

, , , | Right | October 21, 2019

(I work as a hostess in a restaurant. We do not do anything special for birthdays; sometimes if they buy a dessert we’ll put candles in it, but that’s about it. Two men come in and I bring them to their table. One of the men grabs me by my shoulders and spins me towards the bathroom. He then says quietly to me:)

Customer: “Okay, I’m pretending to ask you where the bathrooms are. I just wanted to let you know it’s this guy’s birthday, so if you could tell our server that would be great.”

Me: “Oh, well, we don’t re—”

Customer: *interrupting me* “Bathrooms are right there? Okay, thanks!”

(Then, he sits down. Keep in mind, the birthday guy was standing right next to us the whole time so he could probably hear what was happening, or at least suspect something. I go to their soon-to-be-waitress and tell her that it’s the guy’s birthday.)

Waitress: “We don’t do anything special for birthdays.”

Me: “I know.”

(After they left, I asked the waitress if they got anything for the guy’s birthday. She said no. I just felt bad because I feel like they were expecting something. It was just an awkward experience.)

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Unfiltered Story #172064

, , , | Unfiltered | October 17, 2019

I was a delivery driver for a sandwich restaurant chain. On my first day on the job I make a delivery to a hotel a few blocks down the road. I get to the door, a woman answers the door and gives me a twenty and I give her the food as well as her change. This is the interaction that followed:
Customer: Where’s my fifty cents?
Me: I’m sorry but they only give me bills for change, no coins (I understand this can be annoying to some people and when I did have coins I would give people their full change).
The customer then stares at me and closes the door. Surprisingly enough, I didn’t get a tip.
A few minutes after I get to the store the phone rings and I answer it. It’s the woman from the hotel and she’s angry and wants to speak to my manager.
This made me pretty nervous because (as I said) I was new to the job and didn’t want to mess things up on one of my first deliveries. I start to freak out a bit and imagine all the The manager gets off the phone and I ask him what the customer was mad about…
Manager: Don’t worry you didn’t do anything wrong, she was mad about something else.
Me: What was she made about?
Manager: She said the pickle we gave her was too small.
Me: Really? That’s a dumb thing to complain about, how could we control that?
Manager: Yeah, when she ordered she said she wanted the biggest pickle we had so I gave her the smallest one I could find.
To this day I’m not sure whether what my manager did was funny or if he was being a jerk. Maybe it’s a bit of both.