Sprinkling A Few Hints Around The Office

, , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I’m queer. I don’t hide it from my coworkers, but sometimes I have to openly state it before they realize otherwise. Currently, I’m working in the kitchen and frosting donuts for the next morning.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], do we have any more rainbow sprinkles?”

Coworker: “I don’t think so. What we have on that shelf is what we’ve got.”

Me: “D***, how am I going to make these donuts as gay as I want without rainbow sprinkles?”

Coworker: “Now, [My Name], that’s not the right word to use.”

Me: *after a pause* “These donuts are now gay. Just like me.”

Coworker: “Oh!”

(We then had a nice chat where he told me all about his awesome, butch aunt.)

Your Realization Skills Are Out Of Gas

, , , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(I’m in college, coming back from a cross-country meet with my teammates. Our school is small, so we take two mini-buses and have our coach and assistant coach drive them. I’m on the bus with our assistant coach, only about five minutes away from home, when we run out of gas. We pull over to the side of the road and try to call our coach and his wife. Another truck pulls over and my assistant coach goes to talk to the driver.)

Assistant Coach: “Thanks for stopping; we have a bit of a problem, here!”

Truck Driver: “Hey, do you know what time the cafeteria closes at [Other College in our town]?”

Assistant Coach: “Uh, no. We’re actually from [College], but we’re kind of out of gas.”

Truck Driver: “Oh, yeah? I’m running a bit low, too. Thanks, anyway.” *drives away*

(Eventually, our coach’s wife did bring us some gas. I still wonder if that guy eventually realized we were asking him for help.)

Dropped That Sale

, , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I have just had a meeting at a coffeehouse inside a mall. I am walking back towards the entrance and am passing a phone accessory kiosk when the following happens.)

Kiosk Employee: *calling out* “Excuse me, miss?”

(I keep walking, assuming it’s a sales pitch. He calls after me again.)

Kiosk Employee: “Miss, you dropped something!”

(This is plausible, as I am rather clumsy and scatterbrained at times, so I stop.)

Me: “Thank you! What did I drop?”

Kiosk Employee: “Well, you didn’t actually drop anything just now, but if you had dropped your phone, wouldn’t you want a good case to protect it?”

Me: “Even if I didn’t already have one, I certainly wouldn’t be buying from you after that stunt!”

Do You Have The Balls To Take My Test?

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(Our accounting professor gave out weekly quizzes which he called “quizzees.”)

Student: *after the first “quizzee”* “If these are your quizzees, I don’t want to see your testees.”

(Cue laughter and embarrassment.)

Mail Order Disorder

, , , , , , , | Working | November 10, 2017

(I travel a lot and unfortunately have been getting sick a lot recently. I get a loud banging on my door, so I go check it and all I see is a pink slip from a delivery company that says, “vacant?” I go check my mail and there are three letters in there. A week later, I get the banging again and grab the door to see a postal worker standing there.)

Postal Worker: “You need to check your mail more! I thought you were vacant!”

Me: “I travel a lot, and I’ve recently been too sick to move. Usually I check it every other day.”

Postal Worker: “I don’t believe you! You have at least three weeks of mail piled up at the post office.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Also, you see that mezuzah on my door? Clear sign that it’s not vacant because Jews don’t leave a home without them. So, stop harassing me and give me the dumb slip so I can get my three weeks worth of junk mail!”

Postal Worker: “It’s in the mail box.” *he walks away*

Me: “No, it’s not! You were just writing it. I can see it in your hand!”

(No response.)

Me: “Fine! I’ll be there soon. I hope your coworkers got their flu shots!”

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