You’ll Back Off One Way Or Another

, , , , , , | Working | February 7, 2021

It’s early on into the global health crisis when people are still getting used to wearing masks and having to stand six feet apart. It’s the end of our shift, and we’re standing in line at the time clock. An older coworker is standing close to me, maybe a foot away.

Me: “Dude, could you step back a couple of feet? That’s not six feet.”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s fine! It’s all media-pulled BS to control us! There’s no danger!”

Me: “Seriously, dude. Step. Back.”

Coworker: “H*** no!”

Me: “I’m not scanning my badge until you step back, and I’ve got all night.”

He huffs and leans back by maybe thirty degrees. I shrug, shift my weight, and make a pretty convincing farting noise with my mouth. I then sigh, as though I’ve been holding it in for a while. I laugh as he jumps back a good five feet, his face almost comical in its shock, as our coworkers standing in line laugh at him.

Me: “What? I told you to step back.”

He still refuses to admit there’s a global crisis, almost a year into it, but he’s better at keeping his distance now!

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Aisle Be Watching The Kids, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2021

I work at a grocery store and am dispatched to clean up some s*** in an aisle after a kid had an accident.

An older lady approaches me with a smile.

Customer: “Aww. Did someone bring their dog in the store?”

Me: “No, they brought in a child.”

She then slowly backed away and gave me a look of disgust.

Aisle Be Watching The Kids, Part 2
Aisle Be Watching The Kids

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Don’t Judge People, Period

, , , | Right | February 1, 2021

I have just moved apartments, and I am stocking up on all of the essentials. I’ve been putting things on the belt while the cashier scans them when he suddenly gets a look of disgust on his face and drops the box that he is holding.

I glance at it and see that it is a box of tampons. Given the stories I’ve read, I’m already rolling my eyes internally.

Cashier: “Sorry, ma’am. I’ll see about getting you a clean box.”

Me: “Huh?”

The cashier grabbed the side of the box and turned it around to reveal that some liquid had spilled down the back of the box, leading to the box deforming from water damage and some sort of sticky glue-like residue being left behind. Apparently, I’d missed it when I was pulling the box off of the shelf.

Luckily, none of the other items I was buying were affected, and he was able to pull a clean box from the shelf, but it certainly taught me a lesson about jumping to judge someone.

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Flush With Coffee

, , , | Right | January 20, 2021

I’m a casino table games dealer. I was dealing four-card poker. The lady on my first seat had a really good hand going for her. When I flipped over the second-to-last card, she took a drink of coffee and then looked down, and when she saw it was the card she needed, she choked herself out of excitement and spit out her coffee… all over the felt table, the cards, the chip rack, and my arm.

Of course, I was not allowed to move because of strict security measures, and there was a game that still needs to be paid out in progress, so I hollered out to my floor manager.

She looked over at me and just kind of glared off into the distance until she realized what had happened and saw me covered in coffee. I had preemptively dealt this lady a straight flush, which apparently excited her. I mean, to be fair, this does pay quite a lot in four-card, especially when you bet the side bets, as well.

I had to stand there literally frozen in place for what felt like thirty minutes as my pit manager and security took the cards to dispose of them properly. They had to take everyone’s chips and issued them redemption slips, as they couldn’t leave the table because they were contaminated.

They had to make sure everything was in the proper order following safety and security protocols. Coffee was all over my arm, and I was just staring off into the distance. The table had to be properly closed and everything had to be properly accounted for before I could leave to go clean up. I had to fill out an incident report to remove liability of assault, as well as track if I did get sick from it.

I still don’t even know if that lady ever got paid for the hand because the hand had not been — nor could have been — completed.

To this day, my friends who still work there still haze me about my “orientation.”

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You Have To Be Smarter Than The SmartBoard

, , , , , , | Learning | January 19, 2021

My high school building is three stories tall and is old enough that the classrooms still have large windows that are meant to allow access to an exterior fire escape, which were removed before I got to high school.

SmartBoards are the newest must-have piece of technology in schools, so my school installs SmartBoards in every classroom during the summer before my tenth-grade year. Most of the teachers love their SmartBoards, but my tenth-grade math teacher… doesn’t. He is a severe technophobe and doesn’t even like electronic calculators, let alone computers and other “modern” technology. The school board and administration force him to accept the SmartBoard and do his best to figure out how to use it. For the first month or so, he does try really hard to get it to work, but he always ends up going back to his trusted chalkboard.

One day, our math teacher is trying to use a relatively simple drag-and-drop program on the SmartBoard but can’t get it to work, and he has finally had his fill of frustration.

First, he shouts some choice swear words at the SmartBoard, which prove ineffective in making it work the way he wants it. So he punches the SmartBoard, repeatedly, until it literally cracks and breaks.

He declares the SmartBoard broken and unplugs all the cables from it. Then, he tears it off the wall, carries it over to the window, and drops it.

His classroom is on the third floor.

He gets in a bit of trouble over it, but the school board and administration allow him to go without a SmartBoard for the rest of the year. He happily uses his chalkboard until the end of the year, and then he retires because the school wants to keep adding more technology, and he knows he won’t be able to keep up.

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