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Seven-Foot Frame, Rats Along His Back… Wait…

, , , , , , | Related | April 20, 2022

My parents are given, as something of a joke, a life-size cardboard cutout of a certain former President of the United States. After having it in the living room for a couple of weeks and thoroughly amusing everyone who sees it, they put it in their basement, where I at least forget about it entirely.

A year or so later, my best friend and I go to the hardware store and pick up salt tablets for my parents’ water softener. We bring them into the garage, which has a secondary entrance to the basement, and I go to open the door and turn on the light. I promptly scream and run out again.

A moment later, my stepfather — whose home office is adjacent to the garage — bursts through his door looking alarmed.

Stepdad: “Are you all right?!”

Me: *Embarrassed* “Yeah…”

Stepdad: “What happened?”

Me: “We got the tablets for your water softener. I went to open the basement door and Donald Trump scared me.”

He cracked up laughing and went back to work. Apparently, the same thing happens every time they have someone come and work on their heating system.

Thanks For Bringing Us Together, Random Stranger!

, , , , , | Related | February 23, 2022

My mother wasn’t married to my stepfather of twenty-plus years. He maintained an apartment by his workplace, a couple of hours away, and only saw her on weekends and holidays.

When she passed away suddenly and I was sorting her apartment, my stepfather and I did our best, but we had a few conflicts about what belonged to whom and so forth. He still visited on weekends to help out. This was decades ago, hence the old-fashioned tech.

We both returned after being out separately.

Stepfather: “Hey, did you take the twenty that was by my bed?”

Me: “No.”

Stepfather: “I don’t mind if you did. Just tell me, all right?”

Me: “I didn’t even know it was there.”

Stepfather: “Okay. Did you put my pillowcases in when you did laundry? They’re not on the bed.”

Me: *Confused* “No…”

Stepfather: “And, look, I’m not going to stop you from taking your mother’s things, but come on. Did you have to take both VCRs?”

I definitely wouldn’t have packed things I used while I staying there, let alone touched his stuff. None of it made sense. Until it did.

Me: “I didn’t… Oh! We were robbed!”

And yeah, we were. It seems that’s all they took: money and tech and pillowcases to carry it in. It was totally worth losing some stuff to ease tensions until we got the apartment cleared out.

Making Your Mark On Holiday Memories

, , , , , , , | Related | December 25, 2021

My mother has been looking for a customized Christmas gift for my step-dad for a while. His name is Mark, which is fairly common, so there are a lot of options. She decides to go for one that isn’t just the name, to make it a little more special.

On Christmas morning, my step-dad unwraps a coffee mug and reads it out. 

Step-Dad: “‘The man, the myth, the legend…’”

My mom smiles wide, happy that the gift arrived on time.

Step-Dad: “‘…Kyle.'”

My mom was devastated that the wrong name was printed on the mug, but the rest of us were dying laughing. The Kyle mug is proudly displayed in our kitchen.

The Gift That Keeps On Taking

, , , , , | Related | December 24, 2021

Each year at family Christmas, I notice the same thing: as we arrive with our kids, my husband’s stepmother tells him that she needs milk. She always conveniently forgets to buy it when shopping the day before, so he diligently goes out in search of an open store. Most shops and even gas stations close on Christmas Day, so he often takes up to an hour trying to locate a shop. We try asking for her to let us know before we leave home, and my husband often calls to let them know we are on our way.

One year, I’ve had enough. I buy an extra two litres of milk myself and we take that with us on Christmas. As we walk in, my husband is greeted with:

Stepmother: “[Husband], you have to go out and get some milk.”

He holds the bottle up in triumph. We do the same the next year.  

Stepmother: “Oh, good, you have the milk! But now you have to go out and get some ice.”

The year after, I buy milk and ice. My husband complains that it takes up too much room in the freezer and asks me why I bought it. Christmas Day, he enters his parents’ house.

Stepmother: “We need milk.”

[Husband] holds up the bottle.

Stepmother: “Okay, but we need ice, too.”

Grinning, [Husband] holds up the bag of ice.

The following year, we get a phone call at 8:00 am. My husband answers the call.  

Husband: “That was [Stepmother]; she needs me to bring over some lemons right now for some recipe she’s making. You get the kids ready and I will be back as soon as I can.”

Me: “Okay, you might as well take the milk and ice with you now.”

Husband: “They got those yesterday. I think she does this on purpose.”

Almost two hours later, he returns. When we go over at lunchtime, I look at the food served and notice that none of it could have been made with lemons. My husband asks about it and is told that they needed them for the seafood breakfast they had with his sister and brother-in-law.

Husband: “Why couldn’t [Brother-In-Law] go out and get the lemons? He’s got a car.”

Stepmother: “Oh, we all had too much to drink.”

Husband: “It was eight am!

Stepmother: “We started drinking at six. Anyway, you don’t drink, so we knew you would do it. It’s your fault you don’t drink.”

We didn’t go for Christmas the next year.

Too Bad There’s No Pill To Prevent Mean Stepparents

, , , | Related | CREDIT: Adventurous_Owl9823 | September 2, 2021

My periods are INSANELY painful. I’ve been hospitalized because of them. When I am around fifteen, my stepmom and my dad go to a barbecue. They ask me to come along, but I don’t feel that great, so I stay home.

About two hours after they leave, I fall to the floor in COMPLETE pain. My dogs find me; my pit bull stays next to me while my boxer runs around looking for someone to help me. I text my dad, telling him he needs to come home, but he doesn’t answer. About five minutes later, I get a call from my stepmom.

Stepmom: “Why did you text your dad that?”

Me: “Because I’m lying on the floor in pain and can’t get up.”

Stepmom: “Why can’t you get up?”

Me: “I’m on my period and this pain won’t stop unless I stay curled up in a ball like this.”

Stepmom: “Ugh, fine, we are coming home. But don’t ever text your dad with that again.”

She hangs up. They arrive fifteen minutes later. My boxer runs over to them and shows them where I am. My dad picks me up and carries me to my room. My stepmom gets some painkillers and a heating pad and tells me to sleep. She is mad the rest of the day and won’t even look at me.

The next day, we meet my mom, and my dad tells her everything that happened. My mom and I decide to start looking into birth control. We find out I can’t have the pill because I have epilepsy, so we end up going with an implant.

I later tell my dad and stepmom that I got birth control to help and my dad is happy.

Stepmom: “I hope you know that means you can’t go around sleeping with everyone.”

I sit there in shock that she said something like that IN FRONT OF MY DAD.

Around dinnertime, I still can’t stop thinking about what she said. My dad knows that something is troubling me.

Dad: “She didn’t mean it, you know. That’s not how it was meant to come out.”

I believe my dad, of course.

When dinner is finally served, my stepmom keeps giving me dirty looks and looks at the food like I just gave her a severed human head to eat.

Stepmom: “Did [My Name] help make any of this?”

Dad: “Everything except the vegetables that you made.”

My stepmom then proceeded to only eat the vegetables, like I was going to give her some sort of disease because I got birth control. I ate about half my food and then cleaned up. My dad apologized for her, but I didn’t believe it this time.