Not Even Siblings Are Immune To Mansplaining

, , , , | Related | November 20, 2020

My younger brother is the most condescending person I have ever met. Unfortunately, this often means he will try to “mansplain” things to me, his older sister by seven years and lifetime geek.

Brother: “So, in [Game] you need to…”

And he proceeds to explain a simple game concept as if I am the dumbest person in the world.

Me: “You realize I’ve been playing [Game] longer than you’ve been alive?”

Brother: *Still smug* “I just wanted to make sure you knew…”

No one has ever questioned why I refuse to play any kind of game with him.

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Whack A Memento Mori Mole

, , , | Related | November 19, 2020

My little brother is about nine or so and we go with our mom to a well-known kids’ arcade. We’re about to enter when my brother suddenly bursts into tears.

Me: “What’s the matter?”

My brother shakes his head and cries harder.

Mom: “What’d you do to him?”

Me: “Nothing! He just burst out crying for no reason!”

Finally, he composes himself enough to blubber out.

Brother: “I just realized that we’re all gonna die someday! It’s so sad!”

He cried and cried.

We had to haul him in the arcade sobbing his little heart out. Twenty years later, he still is upset about the concept of death. I remember the first time I cried about my mortality — I was six — but not when I was going to the arcade!

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What A Strange Salad

, , , , , , , | Related | November 3, 2020

My uncle is relatively nearsighted. Our two brothers both inherited my dad’s stocky build but my mom’s fair and easily sunburned complexion, while the older brother also inherited Dad’s thick crop of chest and back hair. My sister and my uncle are hanging out on the beach on a family vacation.

Uncle: “I can see your family out there in the water, but I can’t tell which one is which.”

Sister: “Oh, that’s easy.” *Points at youngest brother* “Tomato.” *Points at older brother* “Hairy tomato.” *Points at Dad* “Bear.”

And that is how new family nicknames are born.

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Gonna Make “Uncle” Your First Word

, , , , | Related | October 30, 2020

I’m childhood friends with my neighbour’s kids. They have three boys and one girl. The youngest brother has just done something extremely stupid — covering himself in cushions and rolling down a hill — and is getting chewed out by their parents. The four of us are watching the carnage from afar.

Me: “Did your parents drop [Youngest Brother] on his head when he was a baby?”

Sister: “Of course not! How dare you insinuate that?! Our parents never dropped any of us on our heads!”

Me: “Uh, sorry.”

Brother #1: “It was our uncle that did the dropping.”

Me: “Really? He did that once?”

Brother #2: “More than once. Way more.”

I give him a disbelieving look.

Sister: “Yeah, admittedly, that’s true. He dropped all of us on our heads at least once.”

Now, the brothers might have been joking, but if their sister says so, then it’s true.

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You’ll Understand When You’re Older

, , , , | Related | October 28, 2020

I have five younger sisters, two of whom are in college and living away from home and three of whom are in upper elementary school, ages eight, nine, and ten. While video chatting with my parents and youngest sister one day, I mention that I am so happy my baby took a long nap that day, because it means I got one, too. Cue this question from the eight-year-old.

Sister: “Why are babies and grown-ups so obsessed with naps?”

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