Strike A Violent Pose; Maybe They’ll Leave You Alone

, , , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My siblings are having a massive pool party with their friends. I’m in the pool, too, just barely managing to stay out of the line of fire. They’re roughhousing, pushing each other in the pool, being rough with the dog, and throwing his toy in the pool so he’ll jump in, and my sister and her boyfriend are openly flirting. 

Mom: “Okay, I’m going inside. Keep an eye on things, [My Name]!”

Me: “Wait, you’re leaving me in charge?!”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “Teenagers scare me!”

Mom: “They scare me, too!”

After she left, one kid started running around the pool with a tomahawk, and my brother was chasing him with a hunting knife. Later, my mom admitted she was worried about the pool toys being destroyed. 

Cue My Chemical Romance’s “Teenagers”!

Dawn Of The Dead (Once Mom Gets Through With You)

, , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My brother is about five years older than me and very smart, and, for most of my young life, I was his little minion. Needless to say, we could be complete terrors to our parents at times. This is one such incident; I am around five or six and my brother is ten or eleven.

We’re playing in the backyard and notice that our dog has created a rather sizable crater. It’s large enough to say, fit a small child. I lie in it to check the fit and we get a couple of shovels to expand it when it’s not quite big enough. Then, I lie down in the hole and my brother puts a piece of plywood over me, asking me to push up on it to make sure I can escape easily. With a hollowed-out dog bone by my head as a snorkel and a thin layer of dirt on top, our trap is set, and my brother goes inside to find Mom.

Brother: *Excitedly* “Mom! Try to find [My Name]!”

I hear Mom walk around for a few moments.

Mom: “I don’t see her.”

Brother: “She’s here. Look harder!”

Mom: “Is she hiding?”

Brother: “Yep!”

I hear some slightly more frantic footsteps.

Mom: *Getting hysterical* “[Brother], where is your sister?!”

Brother: *Gleefully* “I buried her!”

Mom: “YOU WHAT?!”

Taking my cue, I sat up, pushing the dirt and plywood off of me like a zombie rising from the grave, to the gobsmacked shock of our mother.

I don’t remember what punishment we received for our little prank, but I think it involved a spoon and a promise from both of us to never entomb our sibling again.

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A Ditz Of A Different Color

, , , , | Related | July 1, 2020

My sister has always been a bit ditzy — she even proclaims that she’s living proof that “blonde is not just a hair color” — but ironically, one of her ditziest moments ever comes about the night after she decides to dye her hair blonde while we are in junior high school.  

We live out in a semi-rural area, so we have to wake up at six in the morning in order to be showered, dressed, fed breakfast, and ready to catch the school bus at seven. One morning, my sister shakes me awake with the following announcement:

Sister: “We overslept! It’s six-thirty! You gotta hurry or we’ll miss the bus!”

Me: *Groggy* “But… I didn’t hear the alarm…”

Sister: “There was a power outage! It shut off the alarm! Get in the shower!”

Still groggy and fuzzy, I get in the shower while my sister hurries to whip up some breakfast and get us ready to go. Then, she sticks her head into the bedroom where my mom and stepdad are asleep.

Sister: “[Stepdad]! You overslept! Get up; you’ll be late for work!”

Stepdad: *Wakes up* “[Sister], it’s twelve-thirty in the morning.”

Sister: “No, it’s not! The clocks are wrong! There was a power outage!”

Stepdad: “I’m looking at my watch.”

Sister: “It’s wrong; there was a power outage!”

Stepdad: “How is a power outage going to affect my watch?”

Mom: *Sniffs* “Are you… making pancakes?”

Sister: “Yeah, we gotta hurry and eat breakfast before the bus comes!”

Somehow, they finally manage to convince her that it isn’t even one in the morning and she has several hours before she has to catch the bus. Mom then finds me in the shower, still half-asleep.

Mom: “Your sister read the clock wrong. It’s twelve-thirty, not six-thirty. Dry off and go back to bed.”

Me: “Oh. No wonder it felt like I’d only been asleep for an hour.”

To this day, we still don’t know how my sister decided a power outage would affect every single clock in the house, even watches and battery-operated clocks. My stepdad’s explanation was that she dyed her hair blonde the night before and “the chemicals went straight to her brain.”

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Liver Die By The Spoon

, , , , , | Related | June 30, 2020

It’s dinner time. My younger brother’s eyes are glued to his device and he is barely eating. My parents are adamant that I am not to steal his device — again — so I am reduced to nagging him to eat faster. It isn’t working. After I’ve lost my patience, I say this.

Me: “[Younger Brother]. You will start eating your food faster, or else I’ll be forced to feed you.”

He’s like eight. I thought that threatening to feed him like a baby would have been embarrassing enough. Alas, he calls my bluff.

Younger Brother: *Not even looking up* “Sure!”

I sigh, scoop a mouthful of food, and offer it to him. He eats it without even looking and visibly winces. After struggling with the worst expression of disgust, he finally swallows his food and glares at me.

Younger Brother: “What the h*** was that?”

Me: *Unrepentant grin* “Liver. It is just the worst, isn’t it?”

The two of us absolutely hate liver. On the other hand, our mom loves it, which is why there is some available at the dinner table.

Younger Brother: “Why did you feed me that?!”

Me: “It’s not my fault you weren’t looking at what you were eating.”

That finally got him to put down his device and start eating in earnest. Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve had to redo this trick several times to get him off his device, mostly using chili, which was more common than liver and had far more amusing and effective results. You’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now.

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When Odo Came To Dinner

, , , , , | Related | June 30, 2020

My dad, mom, sister, and I are having dinner together. For dessert, Mom brings out a big bowl of Jello.

Sister: *As she’s serving herself* “What flavor is this? Raspberry, cherry…?”

Dad: *Deadpan* “It’s red, Jim.”

Did I mention we’re all “Star Trek” fans?

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