The Battle Of The Brides

, , , , | Related | January 21, 2020

(My now-husband and I get engaged in 2010. We know we want to wait at least a year until we get married, for several reasons, and we end up choosing a wedding date two years in the future that works best for us. Everything is planned early, and I send our save-the-dates out a year in advance, with invitations to follow about six months before the wedding. We are probably the most relaxed bride and groom any of our friends and family have ever seen. Ultimately, we just want a fun day with everyone, nothing crazy or too fancy. About a month before our invites go out, my older sister is at our house helping me with the handmade favors we’ve decided to give to our guests.)

Sister: “So, have you heard from [Cousin] lately?”

Me: “No, but you know she and I have never spent a lot of time together outside of family stuff. Why?”

Sister: “You know she got engaged a couple of months ago, right? Well, [Aunt] told Mom that [Cousin] is determined to get married before you do.”

Me: “Why? We’ve never been competitive before.”

Sister: “Maybe it’s because you two are the youngest grandchildren and she doesn’t want to be the last one to get married?”

Me: “That’s silly. But she’s welcome to it if she can find a venue and everything else that quickly. I’ve had two years to plan and that was hectic enough.”

(Two months later, a month since our invites went out and five months before our wedding day, I get an invitation in the mail to [Cousin]’s wedding. She scheduled it for the same date AND time as ours, at a venue on the other side of the state. I immediately call my sister.)

Me: *laughing* “[Sister]! Did you get an invite to [Cousin’s] wedding today?”

Sister: *also laughing* “Yes! I can’t believe she scheduled it the same day as yours! She’s known your wedding date for almost a year.”

Me: “You know who I feel bad for — the relatives that will have to choose between the two weddings. There’s no way anyone would be able to go to both, like if they were closer together and at different times.”

Sister: “Wow, you’re right. Well, we already know Grandma is going to be at your wedding. That’s really going to p*** [Cousin] off.”

(My sister is right. Our cousin is furious at all of the relatives that choose my wedding over hers. Then again, I only invited the relatives that I’m actually close to and talk with, whereas she invited EVERYONE, even people she’d never met. In the end, our wedding is so much fun! It is a relaxing day and everyone seems like they have a good time. About three months after we return from our honeymoon, I get this call from my sister:)

Sister: “[My Name]! Mom just called, and guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “[Cousin] is pregnant! She’s apparently going on and on about having kids before you do. Blah, blah, blah.”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Joke’s on her, I guess!”

Sister: “I know! You don’t even want kids!”

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Sometimes You Have To Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

, , , , , , | Related | January 20, 2020

(Every year, my brother and I go home to our parents’ farm where we grew up, and every year, I hear jabs about my education. I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts; my mother has a PhD, and both my dad and brother are engineers, my brother with an added Ivey business degree. They have nine years, seven years, and eight years respectively, while I only attended university for three years. Once again, my lack of education is brought up and I finally snap.)

Me: “I make over $8,000 a month in my chosen field while [Brother] hasn’t used any of his education and needs you guys to pay for his plane ticket home to visit.”

(They were genuinely shocked, as I’d been hiding my income so as to not stand out from them who had all always struggled for money. They had been so derisive of my artistic line of work that it never occurred to them that chasing my childhood dream wasn’t a bad path to take.)

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This Name Survived The Third Reich

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2020

(I’m at my boyfriend’s house for dinner. I am meeting his parents and his siblings for the first time. I also have an unusual name.)

Boyfriend’s Sister: “So, what’s with your name?”

Me: “It’s a name.”

Boyfriend’s Sister: “Yeah, a stupid name.”

Boyfriend: *laughs nervously*

Boyfriend’s Mother: “[Boyfriend’s Sister]! [My Name] is a guest!”

Boyfriend’s Sister: “With a stupid name.” *looks at me smugly*

Me: “Actually, I was named after my great-grandma, who was in a concentration camp in the forties. She survived, but she later died from lung problems brought on by the terrible air in the camp.”

All: *silent*

Boyfriend: “Guys, I told you not to make fun of her name. I told you there was a reason for it. Now you’ve made yourselves look like jerks. Come on, [My Name], I’ll take you to [Fast Food Place]. You like the chicken nuggets, right? 

(Later on in the week, I got an apology letter from my boyfriend’s sister and it was signed by his parents, as well. Apparently, the girl got into a heap of trouble for making fun of my name.)

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Can’t Brush That Off

, , , , | Related | January 8, 2020

(I’m in my bed and my cat is there with me, loafing. My sister comes in and we chat, and she starts petting my cat… hard.)

Me: “Don’t be so rough!”

Sister: *scratching his face* “He likes it!”

Cat: *purrs*

Me: “Yeah, well, I’d go wash my hands after. I saw him rubbing his face on the toilet brush earlier, so…”

Sister: “EW!” *goes immediately to wash her hands*

(At least she never tried to pet him again.)

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Separate The Dogs From The Goats

, , , , , | Related | January 7, 2020

(It’s the year 2000 and my family has just moved from a suburban part of Santa Cruz county to a rural farming area. I’m fourteen and my sister is thirteen. My dad is taking us to our schools in the morning and we pass a small ranch on our road. My sister looks out the window at their animals.)

Sister: “Woah! What happened to their dogs?!”

Me: “[Sister], those are goats.”

Sister: “Oh.”

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