Extra Brownie Points For You

, , , , | Related | December 4, 2019

(I’m helping my mother sort laundry. My nine-year-old brother has been pestering me for weeks about wanting to watch some online videos that he apparently thinks only dwell on my laptop. I have also made brownies, so he has been asking for those all afternoon.)

Brother: “Hey, [My Name], can I have a—“

Me: “No.”

Brother: “But they’re cool now!”

Me: “I told you, after dinner.”

Brother: “Then can I watch—“

Me: “No.”

Brother: “But—“

Me: “I said no.”

Brother: *grumbles*

Mom: “You would be a great mother.“

Me: “I knew exactly what he was going to ask for. This is why I don’t want to be a mother.”

(People ask why I never want children. I always tell them that I got enough of parenting from my brothers.)

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Deadly Choices

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

(My aunt is preparing to make dinner while my brother, mother, and I are watching TV.)

Aunt: *calls from the kitchen* “Hey, [My Name], will you run downstairs and get some turkey burgers out of the deep freezer? Or [Brother], either one?”

Mother: *very promptly* “I don’t think [Brother] is in the freezer.”

Aunt: “Okay, good one. But will you go?”

Me: “Is it my choice which one I get out of the freezer?”

Aunt: “Yes. Your choice. Am I cooking burgers or your brother?”

Brother: “Don’t give them that choice.”

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Home Aloned For The Holidays

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

(My family gathers for Thanksgiving, and when we finish dinner we all load up in cars and do the Black Friday shopping at a certain retailer that likes to start early. We have a game plan and everyone knows what to get. This year it’s me, my brother, sister, best friend, uncle, mom, and nana. We get everything and they tell me to walk around so I don’t see what they get me. My friend is still with them when my nana tells me to ride home with my uncle to make it to work on time. In the confusion of everything, this happens. My phone rings and it’s my friend.)

Friend: “Hey, can you take me home?”

Me: “Isn’t [Sister] going to take you home?”

Friend: “Well, yeah, but the car was full, so she told me to ride with Nana, but Mom and Nana already left.”

Me: *speechless* “They already left? Is [Sister] gone now?”

Friend: ”Yeah, they’re gone now.”

Me: “Dude. This is going down for funniest holiday mishap. I’m at the grocery entrance. I can’t believe they home-aloned you!”

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My Family Has Ghosted Me

, , , , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

My family frequently goes skiing in the winter. We typically end up staying at a nearby hotel for one night per trip.

One weekend, I have to share a fold-out bed with one of my younger brothers, who is taller than me and quite lanky. I’m awake long after everyone else is asleep, being an insomniac. My brother sprawls out and I don’t want to touch him, so I’m basically clutching the side of the bed for dear life to keep from falling off.

Eventually, I get fed up with the awkward position and move to the floor, which at least has more room. Once I attempt to lay down, I realize that there is a freezing draft down there and remember seeing an extra blanket in the closet on the other side of the hotel room.

I wrap myself up in the white hotel blanket and slowly shuffle across the room, not wanting to trip or fall because I’m tired and walking in the dark without my glasses. While I’m making my slow trek across the room, my mother wakes up.

She told me the next morning that when she saw a shuffling figure all dressed in white and thought that she’d seen a ghost! I told her that no, it was me trying to get another blanket because my brother was being a bed hog. We had a good laugh about it.

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Starting A Flame War Below The Belt

, , , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

(It’s the day of a major American holiday and my sister and mother are spending the day cooking that evening’s dinner. With limited counter space, four full burners, and a massive bird in the oven, things get messy and a little smokey. As the afternoon progresses, we assume the smoke is just from all the cooking until my sister opens the utility room door and a cloud of smoke billows out. The culprit is a pile of laundry which has been quietly smoldering. My sister had tossed a rag she used to wipe up some grease on top of the pile earlier, not noticing that one of the corners had caught fire on the burner. The laundry is hastily evacuated outside, doused with water, and stomped on for good measure. It’s as we’re looking to see if there’s anything left to put out that my sister spots something else.)

Sister: “Hah, I found what started the fire!”

(My sister lifts up a blackened elastic band. All of the cloth has burnt away but I recognize the band as belonging to a pair of my underwear.)

Mom: “[My Name], what have you been eating?!”

(My family has never let me live down the day I nearly burnt the house down with a pair of dirty undies.)

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