A Burger Delivered By Any Other Name…

, , , , , , , | Working | September 17, 2020

My brother loves biking and is looking to earn some extra money, so he signs up for a food delivery app aimed at bicyclists. Another delivery app gets more orders but is intended for people with cars. He decides to sign up anyway and just bike the orders, but he has to use his girlfriend’s driver’s license to validate it as he doesn’t have one. When speaking with customers, he uses a masculine name one letter off — so a plausible typo — from her name, which is displayed on their screen. He often works both apps at the same time.

One day, my brother is delivering an order to an apartment building where he needs to be buzzed in. He calls the customer.

Brother: “Hi, this is [Brother] from [Delivery Service #1].”

Customer: “I didn’t order anything from [Delivery Service #1]?”

Brother: “Oops, I mean this is [Girlfriend’s Name Slightly Altered] from [Delivery Service #2].”

Customer: “…”

The customer still let him in, despite using two completely different names, neither of which was actually the name on the app!

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A Thrilling Conversationalist

, , , , , | Related | September 4, 2020

When my niece was born over thirty years ago, my sister thought it would be cute to put the infant on the phone. I protested, but she did it anyway.

Me: “Hi, [Niece]! Tell Mommy I said, ‘Bye, bye!’”

And I hang up. My sister calls back seconds later, enraged, and asks me why I hung up.

Me: “Didn’t [Niece] tell you?”

Sister: “NO! She can’t talk!”

Me: “Exactly!” 

And I waited for her sputtering response. She eventually thought it was funny.

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Ohhh, Yes, They Did

, , , , | Related | August 24, 2020

My husband and I are visiting my family’s home along with my sister and her husband. The conversation has turned to what we are eating tonight.

Sister: “[Her Husband] doesn’t even like potatoes, which is strange, because he has Russian ancestry!”

Mom: “The Russians didn’t really eat potatoes, though.”

Sister: “Yes, they did! The Russians literally made alcohol from potatoes. Even the Irish never did that!”

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Sequel To The Children’s Classic, “My Teacher Sleeps In School”, Part 2

, , , , , , | Related | August 22, 2020

When my brother is about five or so, he is at a grocery store with my mom. They happen to see our pediatrician there shopping for groceries, too. He and my mom greet each other, but my brother is confused.

Brother: “What are you doing here?”

Doctor: “I’m getting some things for dinner.”

Brother: “Don’t they give you food at the office?”

Doctor: “Sometimes people bring in food, but I’m having dinner at home with my family.”

Brother: “You have a home?”

Doctor: “[Brother], I don’t live at my office.”

For bonus points, our grandfather and two uncles are doctors, and Mom’s a nurse — and my brother was well aware that none of them lived at their offices or hospitals!

Sequel To The Children’s Classic, “My Teacher Sleeps In School”

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One Hot Heist

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 21, 2020

My brother has always had a temper, so it came as no surprise to me or my siblings when our mother called to tell us that he had been arrested. My parents, naturally, were shocked, given that they were in the mindset that their kids could do no wrong, but for the rest of us, the only surprise was in what actually ended up getting him arrested.

The story, as far as I can interpret through the face-saving my brother and mother tried to do, was that someone had started to leave nasty messages on my brother’s windshield, supposedly “unprovoked.” They were things along the lines of, “Your car is ugly,” “You’re a horrible person,” and, “Go kill yourself.” My brother hatched the “brilliant” plan to try and catch this person rather than doing something like telling the landlord of the apartment complex or just, you know, ignoring the juvenile notes and moving on with his life.

He parked his car, got out, and then hid himself in a tall set of bushes nearby and proceeded to sit there for several hours. In the middle of summer. In California.

Finally, one of his neighbors parked nearby and then walked over with a note that they put onto his windshield. At that point, my brother jumped out of the bushes and rushed the guy, swinging at him with a large stick he’d found in the bushes as he was crouching there. He missed, denting his own car hood, and then the guy took a swing back at him and actually hit.

They started brawling until the police showed up and they both got arrested.

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