Fat Chance That’s A Baby

, , | Related | June 28, 2017

(My boyfriend asked me to marry him while we are on vacation and we decide to wait to tell our family until we were back. This happens while at my parents’ house.)

Me: “So [Boyfriend] asked me to marry him and I said yes!”

(My parents congratulate us.)

Brother: *puts hand on my stomach* “So, am I going to be an uncle now?”

Me: “No, that’s just fat.”

(Yeah, thanks, little brother. Really makes me feel secure with my body!)

Siblings Who Drive You Crazy

, , , , | Related | June 28, 2017

(I learned the hard way not to buy anything from my elder sister; she still believed she owned it. She decides to sell her first car when she gets married and Dad, knowing that I am in the market for a car, talks me into buying it. I am earning limited money but always make sure I have petrol in the car. After not driving it for a few days I would get in to find a significant difference in petrol levels. I would leave it filled and find it on empty on numerous occasions. I always leave the spare key in case my father needs the car, but know he would never leave me without petrol.)

Me: “Dad, who’s using my car when I’m at work?”

Dad: “Your sister. I thought you knew. I gave her the keys because she said she asked you.”

Me: “No, she didn’t. I’m going to be hiding the keys from now on. Give me a call at work if you need the car.”

Dad: “It can’t be that much of a problem, can it?”

Me: “It’s costing me money; I fill the car and the next time I get back in it’s empty.”

(A few days later, I am ill so don’t go to work and I find my sister searching in the place where I usually keep my keys.)

Me: “They aren’t there.”

Sister: *jumps* “What aren’t there?”

Me: “My keys. You won’t find them.”

Sister: “But I need the car; give me the keys.”

Me: “No, I need the car to drive to the doctor’s. Oh, and I don’t appreciate that you lied to Dad to get my car.”

Sister: “But it was my car first.”

Me: “What part of selling it to me don’t you understand? You know, if you replaced the petrol you used I wouldn’t have known.”

Sister: “But it’s your car. Why would I put petrol in your car?”

Me: “Because. You. Used. It.”

(And no, she didn’t get it.)

Creating Colorful Memories

, , , , | Related | June 22, 2017

(My family is on vacation in South Dakota. I’m eight and my sister is seven at the time. We are going to Deadwood to see the shops and the gunfight. My mom is explaining what it should be like.)

Mom: “It’s going to be just like one of the movies your dad watches.”

Sister: “Will it be in color?”

(30 years later we still give her grief about it.)

It’s A Shock She’s Single…

, , , | Related | June 17, 2017

(My sister has had a nasty break up with her boyfriend. She’s really upset, but doesn’t like a lot of sympathy. I am out shopping at the time, and decide to ask if she wants a treat.)

Me: “Do you want some ice cream? I can come by on the way home.”

Sister: “I swear to god, I will piss over and break your legs!”

Me: “Okay, I know you’re angry, but you don’t have to be so disgusting!”

Sister: “S***! I meant come over.”

(She did get over it pretty quickly, but I kept the ice cream.)

And I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

, , , | Related | June 15, 2017

(Sometimes I wonder how my sister and I are related as she comes out with some really stupid one liners. Usually when we explain she’s wrong she shrugs and accepts it but this time is different. We’re listening to a radio station in our living room when she changes it to a Christmas station. Note: it’s March at the time.)

Sister: “Why are there Christmas stations this time of year? Christmas was three months ago.”

Me: “There are stations that play Christmas music all year round.”

Sister: “Well, I suppose it’s Christmas somewhere.”

(I glance over thinking she is joking, but nope, she looks totally serious.)

Me: “I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Christmas somewhere?”

Sister: “Yeah, like in Australia or South Africa.”

Me: “No, that’s not how it works. Australia is ahead of us so they get Christmas a day before us but that’s the biggest gap.”

Sister: “But they have summer in our winter.”

Me: “Yes, they do, but the date of Christmas never changes. It’s always the 25th of December so I can guarantee you that no-one is celebrating Christmas in March.”

(She seemed to accept this and move on. I have no idea if she understood what I was saying.)

Page 1/3123