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I Do Believe That Ship Has Sailed

, , , , | Related | November 30, 2022

My dad and stepmom announced that they are going to have a baby. 

As soon as my ten-year-old stepsister and I are out of their immediate earshot…

Stepsister: *In a whisper* “So, are they now going to get locked together in their room?” *Conspiratorially* “One of my friends told me how babies are made!”

The Brother Is Not Always Right

, , , , , | Right | November 28, 2022

I am in a mall with my brother. We pass by a burger place.

Brother: “Oh, wait! I need to do something real quick.”

Me: “But we just ate.”

Brother: “No, they owe me a refund.”

He takes out an old burger from his backpack.

Brother: “They didn’t put cheese on my cheeseburger, so I called to complain. They said to bring it in for a refund.”

Me: “That burger looks… really bad. How long has it been in your bag?”

Brother: “Hmm, about three weeks.”

Me: “Dude! They’re not going to refund that!

He goes in anyway and later comes out smiling.

Brother: “They complained that the bun was mouldy, but they couldn’t argue with the lack of cheese!”

If You Love Someone, Let Them Say No

, , , , , | Related | November 3, 2022

I loved a certain children’s movie growing up. Now, as an adult, every time my older sister comes across something related to it, she buys it. I have a lot of figurines, clothing articles, and other odds and ends, most of which are tucked in a closet because I just don’t have room to display them.

My sister texts me one day.

Sister: “Look what I found!”

She sends a picture of a figurine from the movie. It only vaguely resembles the character.

Me: “No, thanks.”

Sister: “But it’s [Movie].”

Me: “I don’t want any more things from [Movie]. I have more than enough. But thank you for thinking of me.”

Sister: “I was just trying to be nice, but f*** me, I guess.”

Me: “I appreciate the gesture, but I just don’t have the room.”

She doesn’t say anything else. A few days go by, and my mom calls me.

Mom: “Why were you so rude to your sister?”

Me: “What? When?”

Mom: “She was trying to do something nice and you told her off!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Mom: “[Sister] offered to buy you a [Character] toy, and you blew her off.”

Me: “Mom, you know I have a s***-ton of [Movie] stuff. I really don’t need any more; I could get rid of half of it and still have too much.”

Mom: “You should be grateful that your sister thinks of you so much.”

Me: *Sigh* “I am, Mom, but I don’t need more stuff.”

Mom: “You should apologize to her.”

Me: “I’m not saying sorry for setting a boundary.”

Mom: “Well, the choice is yours.”

She hung up before I could say anything else. My sister has not tried to buy me a single [Movie] item in over six months. She might think she’s showing me how it feels, but honestly, I’m just grateful she listened and stopped buying them.

Nana’s Unsolicited (And Hilarious) Opinion

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2022

My great-grandma, while miraculously still alive, is senile and half-deaf, so we are never sure if she understands what’s going on around her at any given time. Nonetheless, we try to include her during mealtimes and such.

One day, the whole family is having breakfast together and chatting.

Brother: “[Friend] got in some kind of trouble with the cops. I’m not sure what for, but I think it was soliciting…”

Mom: “Shut it! Saying such things in front of your Nana, honestly!”

Brother: “What? She’s not even listening!”

Nana: *Suddenly yelling* “FLAT A*** AIN’T WORTH THE MONEY, HON!”

She was, in fact, listening.

We Must Confess, This Kid Sounds Like A Terror

, , , , , , | Related | October 23, 2022

In the Catholic church, before a child can receive the first communion, they are expected to take part in the “Sacrament of Penance”, aka confession. My sister, being a precocious and bookish child, naturally did her homework first, and when she arrived at the confessional she was ready.

Sister: “Bless me, oh, father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery, coveted my neighbor’s ox, taken the Lord’s name in vain, and—”

She heard an angry voice from the other side of the confessional screen.

Voice: “What? Whose child are you?”

Sister: “Oh, I’m [Other Girl in her catechism class]”

She never, ever confessed to the lie, even though the blameless accused was spanked for disrespecting the confessional. The eighth circle of Hell is the one that is reserved for liars and frauds.