Mother Expresses Shock As Family Bores Of Her 47th Apple Pie

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2018

(For the holidays, my mother always makes an apple pie from her grandmother’s recipe. It’s a completely lovely pie, but she’s made the same one every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas since long before I was born. One Christmas, my brother and I decide to get on her case and tease her about it, asking why she never makes any other variation.)

Brother: “You know, you could mix it up a little, and make something different for once.”

Mom: *sassy* “Oh, like what?”

Me: “I don’t know; try a different fruit. How about blueberry?”

Mom: “No one likes blueberry pie!” *meaning she doesn’t like it, therefore no one does*

Me: “Um, [Brother] does…”

Mom: “Oh, please…” *turns to the rest of the family gathered in the living room, not paying attention to our conversation* “Who here likes blueberry pie?”

(Everyone reacted positively, raising hands or shouting, “Me!” or, “I do!’ My elderly, schizophrenic uncle turned around in his chair and started to shakily struggle to stand up, wondrously crying out, “There’s blueberry pie?!” My brother and I cracked up as my mother rushed to stop my uncle from standing. She had to explain to him that there was no pie but apple, and promised to make him one next time. That moment was the most alert my uncle had been in years, and sadly, my mother never followed through on her promise to make him his pie.)

Little Girl Sworn To Secrecy By Older Sibling Finds Loophole By Talking Baloney

, , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2018

My father, the youngest of four, was born in the mid-thirties, so this would have taken place in the late forties.

One day he discovered that his mother had brought home a whole salami, and thought he’d just have a little bit. Temptation got the better of him, and his sister caught him polishing off the last of it. He swore her to secrecy, saying, “No matter what, you don’t know anything about the salami.”

An hour later, their mother walked in and his sister walked up to her and said, without any prompt, “What salami?”

Mean Girls Hate Themselves More Than They Hate You

, , , , , | Friendly | November 12, 2018

(I’m shopping with my older sister. I’m 16, going through a period of having body image issues, and I have trouble shopping alone. I have a rather skinny build, while my sister is plus-size and curvy. We’re looking at bras when two random women start making comments.)

Woman #1: “Check that out; the cow looks even larger with that pancake beside her.”

Woman #2: “Why are they shopping for bras, anyway? One has nothing and the other can’t possibly afford a custom that big.”

(Their comments make me sink deeper into my shell, while their obnoxious laughing irritates my sister.)

Sister: “Mind your own business, will you? You’re only making yourself look dumb.”

Woman #1: “Ever heard about freedom of speech, big girl?”

Sister: “Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can go around insulting people without consequences.”

Woman #2: “What are you going to do? Sit on us until we say sorry?”

Sister: “I wasted enough precious air talking to you. I have better things to do than talking to two random b****es who need to insult people to feel better, and their cold hearts to keep their plastic bodies from melting.”

(My sister quickly pulled me out of that store and told me two things. One is that your body is a unique work of art; treat it with extreme care. The second is that people who insult you are so arrogant they’re miles away from reality, dumb, insecure, or simply rotten. People like that will fade away if you don’t give them the attention they crave.)

Fanfiction Writers Finally Taken Seriously, And It Only Cost Them Everything

, , , , , | Related | November 9, 2018

(My sister and I are in the car driving together, and I am telling her about a fanfiction I am reading where the Avengers and Spider-Man are all on Twitter and other social media. I tell her how hilarious it is, and that literally all of them are trans or gay. Then I say that Hawkeye is asexual and aromantic, making him an Ace Arrow.)

Sister: *confused* “I thought he had a wife and kids, though? Like, neither of those is probable?”

Me: “Shhh. This is their universe. This is fanfiction; the author can do whatever they want. The wife and kids don’t exist.”

Sister: “So, are you telling me that fanfiction writers are Thanos? Just, ‘I don’t like you.’” *snaps fingers*

Photography World In Shock, As Image Conjures One More “Wow” Than Expected

, , , , , , | Related | November 8, 2018

(I like photography, and I show my sister a pretty good photo I took and edited.)

Sister: “Wow.”

Sister: *slightly more amazed* “Wow.”

Sister: *very amazed* “Wow!”

Me: *pouting* “One more wow?”

Sister: *monotone* “Wow.”

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