“Use The Force, Harry,” Said Gandalf

, , , , , , | | Related | August 16, 2019

(My older brother decides we are going to watch a movie one afternoon, and my mom shouts down the hall to invite my younger brother.)

Mom: “We’re getting ready to watch a Star Trek movie, if you want to join.”

Younger Brother: “Which one?”

Me: *walking past his room* “The one where The Doctor takes the One Ring to the planet Hoth because Professor Xavier told him to.”

Younger Brother: “Which one is that? Can’t you give me the title, instead?”

Taboo Tattoo

, , , , , , , | | Related | August 13, 2019

(My older sister, who is in her early 30s, has a steady job, and owns her own home, has recently gotten a tattoo on her wrist. It is a two-inch long portrait of her beloved pet rabbit done in a style reminiscent of the classic Winnie the Pooh illustrations. I knew beforehand she was planning it, but we both kept quiet about telling our more conservative mother about it. After it is done and my mom learns about it, she calls me over the phone, very distressed about it:)

Mom: “I just can’t believe my daughter would be the one to do this. What are people going to think of her now?”

Me: “Mom, did you even see what the tattoo was a picture of?”

Mom: “No, as soon as she told me, I refused to look at it and left.” *sniffs, as she’s been crying* “What is it?”

Me: “It’s a very tasteful upside-down pentagram.”

Mom: “…”

Me: “Mom? MOM?! It was a joke! She didn’t get a pentagram!”

Mom: *heavy exhalation* “You little b******! I might need to go to the hospital after that!”

(She has since calmed down on the issue, though she probably still wants to hide it from my grandparents. My sister told me that my joke actually made things better as it has reminded that her tattoo isn’t the worst thing ever.)

The Bar For Failure Is Very High

, , , , , , | | Related | August 2, 2019

This occurred over twenty years ago when my sister and I were both very young. We were at a popular theme park for families with our parents. We went on to a particular ride that raised you up high and then dropped you several times.

While I’m sure the safety measurements were eventually upgraded, at the time, the only thing keeping you in the ride was a single long bar that lay across everyone’s lap. Naturally, my parents’ adult thighs were larger than my skinny four-year-old ones, so there was quite some space between me and the bar.

The problem became obvious when we experienced the first drop and I easily slipped out of my seat to hover about two feet above the falling car. My dad reached up and pushed me back down into the seat just before the ride came to a sudden stop. While the car rose slightly in preparation for another fall, my parents scooched together to pin me between them. During the next fall, my older sister slipped out now that my dad wasn’t pinning her in with his weight. She made it even higher than me, and my dad had to grab her by the ankle and pull her back into her seat. She spent the rest of the ride hugging the lap bar so that she wouldn’t fly out again.

How Wude!

, , , , , | | Related | July 29, 2019

(My sister and I are watching “Attack of the Clones” in the den. She starts doing something weird with her hands.)

Me: “What the… Are you making the jerking-off motion?”

Sister: “What?! No! I wouldn’t do that!”

Me: “I know, but that’s what it looks like you’re doing.”

(Jar Jar Binks suddenly appears onscreen and starts shrieking.)

Me: Now you can make the jerking-off motion.”

(My sister started to choke on her popcorn.)

When A Cake Gets Destroyed You Know It’s Getting Ugly

, , , , , | | Related | July 18, 2019

(My boyfriend’s younger sister is pregnant. My boyfriend is super overprotective of his younger sister, and she once told me a story of my boyfriend completely kicking a guy’s a** for trying to get a photo of her chest. I go with my boyfriend to her gender reveal. While the pregnant sister is mingling, we hear a conversation with the older sister.)

Older Sister: “Yeah, I mean, it’d serve her right.”

Their Grandmother: “Don’t say that!”

Older Sister: “Why not? She got married and pregnant before me! She doesn’t deserve to be pregnant! She should get an abortion.”

Boyfriend: “What did you just say?”

Older Sister: “I said, [Younger Sister] shouldn’t be pregnant. She should get an abortion, or at least miscarry, or something. It’s not fair.”

Boyfriend: “Just because every hint of semen that even goes near you immediately realizes how f****** bitter you are and turns the h*** around doesn’t mean you can be a b**** to [Younger Sister]!”

(His older sister gets super offended and goes inside. Ten minutes later, we hear a scream of anger and the younger sister comes outside bawling.)

Younger Sister: “[Older Sister] just destroyed the cake, and told me it was a girl!”

(My boyfriend went rigid and then bolted inside the house. I didn’t follow him, unsure of what to do, but I could hear him screaming at his older sister from outside. Apparently, the family doesn’t talk to her much now, besides her parents.)

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