Didn’t Have The Relevant Data

, , , , , | Related | March 20, 2019

(My brother and I are sitting together playing a popular word game on our phones. I play the word “data” and, thanks to the precise placement of the letters, I score like 36 points. When he sees the word, he gets upset.)

Brother: “What?! What kinds bulls*** word is that?!”

Me: *confused*

Brother: “Dah-tah? That’s not even a word!”

Me: “That’s ‘data,’ you f****** moron.”

Brother: *pause* “Shut up.”

(It’s been about a year since that happened and I haven’t let him live it down since!)

Keeping Your Sister On Her Toes

, , , , , , | Healthy | March 15, 2019

(My older sister currently works at as an ER nurse. I am woken up one Saturday morning by my cell phone ringing.)

Me: “Hello?”

Sister: “I need you to come downstairs, right now.”

(I get up and walk down to the living room to find her and my parents all watching me descend.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Sister: “I slipped on the stairs and broke my toe.”

Me: “You need someone to drive you to the hospital?”

Sister: “NO! My coworkers and I always joke about someone coming to the ER because they stubbed their toe. I am not going to the hospital because I hurt my toe.”

Me: “So, what do you need from me?”

Sister: “I need you to reset the bone. Mom is too squeamish and Dad is too gentle. You just need to pull on it quick, like taking off a bandage.”

Me: *shrugs* “Okay.” *walks over and yanks on the crooked toe*

Sister: *gasp of pain followed by a relieved sigh* “Thank you.”

(During her next shift at work, someone commented on her slight limp. She admitted to the accident and the doctor on hand insisted on x-raying her foot. The bone in the toe was indeed broken, but perfectly realigned.)

Crumbling Monstrosities

, , , , , | Related | March 6, 2019

(I have two children: a fourteen-year-old daughter and an eight-year-old son. They both love barbecue chips. My daughter is snacking at the table when my son walks up to her.)

Son: “Hey, can I have some?”

Daughter: “There are only crumbs left.”

Son: “Whatever, just give me some.”

Daughter: *looks him dead in the eyes and pours the rest into her mouth and chews*

Son: *is absolutely horrified*

Daughter: “Hold out your hand.” *puts the bag into his hands* “Be a dear and throw this out for me.”

(I’m raising little monsters.)

Crazy Cat Lady Goes To College

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 4, 2019

I grew up in the American midwest but moved 1000 miles away for school. I also attended a college that keeps a live tiger in an enclosure for our mascot. This, combined with my crazy cat person tendencies, led to a joke among my friends that if someone was ever caught breaking into the enclosure to pet the tiger, err on the side of caution and just assume it was me.

Three years after I moved, I woke up one Sunday to texts from a friend at school, my best friend who lived in North Carolina, and my sister, all wanting to confirm I was at school and not in my hometown. Confused, I told them all I was, and they dropped the subject.

A few hours later, I checked Facebook and one of the trending stories caught my eye: a woman got drunk, broke into the zoo in my hometown, fell into the tiger exhibit, and got bitten trying to pet the kitty. Putting two and two together, I texted my friends and sister, wanting to know if they thought I was was that idiot.

My school friend said she was pretty sure it wasn’t me, but wanted to double-check after recognizing my hometown.

My best friend said she wouldn’t have thought it was me, but the woman was drunk, and I am dumb when plastered.

My sister said she was fairly certain it wasn’t me, and wouldn’t have asked, except she got texts from a dozen friends and coworkers asking if it was me, and she wanted a firm yes or no before replying.

After a brief flash of righteous indignation, I realized I wasn’t actually angry, because that is something I would do, and checking that I was a thousand miles away was an entirely reasonable reaction.

Gossip Girls

, , , | Related | February 18, 2019

(My sister and her friend are big gossips. I have the misfortune of missing the bus and my sister is the only available driver on short notice.)

Sister: “So, how was your cousin’s wedding? “

Sister’s Friend: “It was nice. During the reception, the groom snuck up the bride’s poofy gown.”

Sister: “Someone decided to start the honeymoon early.”

Me: *trying to find my headphones*

Sister’s Friend: “Speaking of which, I heard you and [Sister’s Husband] are trying to conceive.”

Sister: “Yeah. We had trouble conceiving normally, so we’re trying other methods. Yesterday, he went to the sperm bank and we ended up having phone sex.”

(That’s just a small portion of a thirty-minute car ride that seemed much longer. I forgot my headphones. Lesson learned, wake up early…)

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