A Most Bearable Wedding

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2019

(I am hanging out with my future brother-in-law, who is seven. He is deaf, and we’ve been discussing his role in the upcoming wedding. This whole conversation is in sign language.)

Me: “Are you excited for the wedding?”

Brother: “[Fiancé] told me I would be the ring bear!”

(I chuckle, thinking he has gotten confused like kids do, but he continues.)

Brother: *signing excitedly* “I’ve been practicing my bear walk and roar and everything! Want to see?”

Me: “Yes, but can I ask you something?”

Brother: “What?”

Me: “You know it’s ‘bearer,’ right?”

(It turns out, my fianceé told him over text that he would be the ring bearer, only her autocorrect changed “bearer” to “bear” and she didn’t notice. We told him he could be the Ring “Bear” if he wanted to, of course.)

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Not What “Two Become One” Means

, , , , | Related | September 25, 2019

(While I like my sister’s husband, ever since they got together, it seems they’ve melded into one person. If I ask her to do something — shopping, the movies, pampering, etc — she either replies that her husband is unavailable or he just doesn’t want to do what I’ve suggested. I’ve even asked if she wants to have a GIRL’S DAY but I get the same answer. I’ve brought this to her attention several times but she brushes me off, saying I’m exaggerating. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me resent them a little bit.)

Husband: “[Sister] likes chicken parmesan, right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Husband: “Are you gonna invite her over?”

Me: “I can try but if [Her Husband] isn’t free she’s just going to say no.”

Husband: “She can’t come over without him?”

Me: “Every time I ask her to do something, it has to be with him or not at all. I don’t know if that’s how she wants it or if he’s that controlling or what.”

Husband: “Oh.”

Me: “I’ll call her.”

(I call her on speaker.) 

Sister: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey, [Sister], what are you doing tonight?”

Sister: “Um, nothing as far as I know. [Her Husband] is in [Another City] for a few days.”

Husband: “Wanna come over for dinner? We’re making chicken parmesan!”

Sister: “Oh. Um. I don’t know.”

Me: “Come over; you won’t have to cook.”

Sister: “Well, [Her Husband] is supposed to call in a few hours and I should be home.”

Me: “You can’t take his call here or call him back later?”

Sister: “I just think it would be better if I’m home when he calls.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

Sister: “Are you mad?”

Me: “Forget it. Bye.” *hangs up*

Husband: *jokingly* “Maybe she just doesn’t want to hang out with you.”

Me: “Shut up. Maybe it’s you.”

Husband: *shrug*

(We went on with our evening. Like everyone else our age, we took pictures of our food and posted them on social media. A few friends liked it, a few commented. My sister commented, asking if we would pack up some leftovers and drop them off for her and her husband. No, there were no leftovers.)

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I Am The Captain Now!

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2019

(I am fifteen and my brother is thirteen. We start lawn care business together at the beginning of the summer. We work together to mow lawns and such. Recently, he broke his foot, so I’ve been handling the mowing, communication, money, etc. I went from making $22.50 a week to $45 a week, so I can’t complain. Today was very hot and I am all sweaty from working.)

Mom: “You look tired.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m going to take a freezie break. Let me just ask my manager.”

(I do a spin.)

Me: “I am the manager! Take a freezie break.”

(I spun again.)

Me: “I guess that’s settled. Can I, Mom?”

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You Can Show Him The Back Door

, , , , | Related | September 9, 2019

(My husband’s brother has always been incredibly lazy and has always had everything done for him. He is in his fifties, never moved out of home, and is morbidly obese. After the passing of their parents, all the siblings decide to pack up and renovate the family home to sell it. We have to put off our own renovations to do this. My brother-in-law does nothing to find a new place to live and does not lift a hand to help out. Their sisters are fed up with having to work around him while he does nothing but watch TV. They pull the television out in an effort to get him to do something; he then just sits at his computer all day. Eventually, the sisters demand that he moves out and because he’s not done anything about it, he has to grudgingly move in with us “temporarily.” So, after two months of my husband working on the house every weekend and every day after working full time, he moves in.)

Brother-In-Law: *looking out our back door* “Hmpf, I thought you would have the deck done by the time I moved in so that I could spend time sitting outside. You’re so lazy.”

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Pixar And Lego: Opiates For The Under-Sevens

, , , | Related | September 1, 2019

(I’m moving and my brother and his family are helping me, including my five-year-old niece. They uncover a big box of Lego that I totally forgot about.)

Niece: *with a look on her face as if she’d discovered a treasure trove* “Can I have it?”

Me: *checking out the box and looking at my sister-in-law* “According to the box, it is for ages seven to twelve, so she is too young.”

Sister-In-Law: “No worries; I have a husband in that age group.”

(My brother is an avid collector of figurines featuring VW bus or Beetle.)

Brother: *yelling from the next room* “It has a Fillmore in it.”

Me: “Guess that is decided, then.”

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