Taking You Into The Double Digits

, , , , , | | Related | May 20, 2018

(My sister and I are watching a TV show where children perform difficult mental tasks. In this round, they have to perform a series of calculations within a certain time limit. This contestant gives one answer just before the clock runs out, and the emcee is starting to give the next question:)

Em-Cee: “Nine thousand …” *timer runs out* “Time’s up!”

Sister: “Nine thousand times up? I wasn’t aware ‘up’ was a digit.”

Me: *gives her a thumbs-up* “Here’s a digit that’s ‘up.'”

Sister: *holds up middle finger* “Here’s another.”

Still Too Soon…

, , , , | | Related | May 19, 2018

(I’m picking my sister up from the train. She just finished her final exams at university. She’s a history major.)

Me: “Hey! How are you doing? You look exhausted.”

Sister: “Hello, hey. I’m glad to be finished, truth be told! I started crying when I was looking over some dates yesterday because Abraham Lincoln died.”

Me: “You know what, I’m just not going to ask. I’ll get your bag.”

(Some time later, en route home, I look across and she’s got tears in her eyes.)

Me: “Hey, what’s wrong? Aren’t you happy you’re done?”

Sister: “I was thinking about Abraham Lincoln again.”

Must Have Been A Background Character

, , , | Related | May 15, 2018

(It is a few weeks after my high school’s latest musical.)

Brother: *out of nowhere* “Oh, yeah, you weren’t at the Friday show.”

Me: “Friday show of what?”

Brother: “[School Musical].”

Me: “I was in it!”

Brother: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: “How the hell did you forget about that?”

A Cycle (P)ride

, , , , , | Related | May 14, 2018

(My brother and I take a two-day motorcycle course over the summer. It is a state-certified program meant to teach the practical skills needed to ride in a safe environment. My brother has always been protective, but in the strange older-brother kind of way. He says that it’s okay if I drop the bike or fall over; that people will only laugh a little. This happens when we are taking a break the second day. I am heading one way, and my brother the opposite way.)

Instructor: “Uh, [My Name]? Your brother isn’t moving.”

(I look, and sure enough he’s tripped over a small, hanging chain and is lying on his back on the ground.)

Me: “You okay?” *he nods* “You need a hand?” *he shakes his head* “You just want to lay there for a second?” *a nod* “How’s your pride?”

Brother: “Kind of hurts.”

(He managed to crack the visor on the helmet he was carrying, and scraped up his elbow. He was the only one all weekend to need any type of bandages. I stayed upright the whole time. He still hasn’t lived it down.)

Mother Insists You Board Until He Broke The Motherboard

, , , | Related | May 14, 2018

(My brother is staying with me until he finds a place of his own. I didn’t want to let him, but my parents wouldn’t get off my back. He’s messy and immature. I’m younger than he is.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother], have you seen my laptop? “

Brother: “Yeah, but its broken.”

Me: “How? I’ve only had it for like a month. “

Brother: “I spilled soda on it. “

Me: “I had my class projects on it! “

Brother: “Relax. Don’t you have some sort of backup? “

Me: “Yes, but that doesn’t excuse you ruining a birthday present. You owe me a new one. “

Brother: “I think [Girlfriend] has one she can give you. “

Me: “I am not accepting anything from that pot-smoking bimbo!”

Brother: “She’s not a bimbo! “

Me: “Her tattoo says otherwise.”

Brother: “Can’t you flirt with one of your smarta** classmates to get it fixed?”

Me: “You’re an idiot.”

(I kicked him out a week later after he, his girlfriend, and their entourage destroyed the living room by having a party, almost set fire to the kitchen, and did drugs in my apartment while I was at school. I always bring up that story when Mom and Dad ask me to help him.)

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