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O, Canaduh, Part 13

, , , , , , , | Related | October 13, 2021

My family is Canadian, but my brother moved to the States for work and has an American girlfriend. Everyone in the family likes her very much, but she sometimes gives the impression that she’s worried about fitting in and getting along with us.

It’s a couple of days after the 2021 Canadian federal election. I’m on a video call with my brother, and I tell him a joke. His girlfriend hears him laughing and comes in.

Girlfriend: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Oh, just a stupid joke about the election.”

Girlfriend: “Oh? Can I hear it?”

Brother: “It’s, uh, very Canadian. I don’t know if you’d think it was funny.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, come on. I wanna hear it! I bet it’s great!”

Me: “Um, okay. What’s the difference between [Politician] and a toilet?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know.”

Me: “A toilet has a seat.”

Girlfriend: “I… Oh. Um.”

Me: “Because, uh, [Politician] is a real scumbag and he’s a party leader, but he didn’t get elected in his riding, so he doesn’t have a seat in the House of Commons.”

[Girlfriend] is wearing the expression of someone desperately pretending that she both understands and cares.

Me: “Anyway, it’s a very silly joke. How are you, [Girlfriend]?”

I hope my brother later told her she doesn’t have to pretend to care about Canadian politics to impress anyone, since if she’s not interested, I can’t think of a bigger waste of her time.

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 12
O, Canaduh, Part 11
O, Canaduh, Part 10
O, Canaduh, Part 9
O, Canaduh, Part 8

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An Interesting De-Termination

, , , , , | Related | September 21, 2021

I’m chatting with my sister on the phone about the global health crisis. Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted by video games lately, particularly one where you play as an assassin.

Sister: “And there are some businesses that require a vaccine or else you can be terminated.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a little extreme.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: *Realization dawning* “Other kind of ‘terminated’. Right. Sorry.”

Sister: *Jokingly* “Either way, I guess you’re getting shot.”

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Being A Horror Is Hereditary

, , , , , , | Related | September 15, 2021

I am watching “Midsommar” when my sister texts me asking me what I’m doing. I tell her I’m watching a movie and I’ll text her later.

Sister: “So, was that movie any good?”

My sister loves horror movies while I mostly find them boring. I enjoyed the movie enough so I think she would like it.

Me: “Yeah, I liked it. It’s free on [Streaming App], so you should watch it when you get a chance.”

Sister: “What’s it about?”

I decide to have some fun with her.

Me: “It’s about a woman who goes on a trip to Sweden with her friends and discovers herself in the process.”

Sister: “That sounds kinda boring, but if you said it’s good I’ll maybe try it.”

Later on in the week, I get another text from my sister.

Sister: “B****, you lied to me! You made it seem like it would be some feel-good movie. It was literally a horror movie!”

Me: “It’s from the same guy who did Hereditary; that should have been your first clue!”

Sister: “What’s Hereditary? I’ve never heard of it before.”

Me: “Oh, it’s a drama about a grieving family suffering from tragedy after the death of their grandmother. It’s really good; you should watch it!”

Sister: “Oh, f*** you.”

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When Veggies Are Involved, You Do What You Gotta Do

, , , , , , | Related | September 9, 2021

My aunt used to run an in-home daycare. One day, my two youngest brothers, both under the age of seven, were refusing to finish their lunches. One didn’t want to eat his vegetables and the other didn’t want to eat the rest of his sandwich. My aunt told them that they couldn’t leave the table and go back to playing with the other kids until their food was gone and went back into the kitchen to clean up.

While she was starting on the dishes, my brothers swapped plates and ate each other’s leftovers. My aunt figured it wasn’t worth preparing more food and fighting them on it, so she let them go. To this day, I admire their problem-solving.

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Oh, Brother (Literally)

, , , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: AgniBlackheart | September 7, 2021

I’m adopted and dark-skinned while the rest of my family is entirely composed of white people, both from my mom’s and my dad’s side.

I’m twenty-four and my little sister is fifteen. We go to the supermarket together to buy some stuff for home. Whenever we walk together, we’re often met with stares. Maybe people think that we’re dating or something, I don’t know.

We wait in line ahead of a lady who keeps complaining about the weather, and then we go inside the store. As we’re grabbing spices, we can’t find what my mom wants. My sister wants to buy the same spice but from another brand, while I want to call Mom and see if she wanted it or not. So, we catch ourselves in a small argument, going back and forth about what should we do.

My sister says something about me being “pathetic and indecisive” and makes some motions as if to shoo me away. And then, the lady from the line decides to jump in.

Lady: “Stop! Get away from this young lady and don’t harass her!”

Me: “Um, what? Can I help you, ma’am?”

Lady: “I saw you trying to harass this girl! Ever since the line, I knew you were up to something!”

Sister: “Lady, this guy’s my brother. He’s not harassing me or anything—”

Lady: “Don’t worry, sweetie. I won’t let this guy steal from you or sexually harass you. We both know guys like him always do that sort of stuff.”

And she starts pulling the “racial card” on me. As much as I could get offended, losing my time with this lady is not optimal.

Me: “Ma’am, this girl is my younger sister. We came here together.”

Lady: “Don’t you dare try to lie your way out of this! You’re not siblings; that’s impossible!”

Sister: “Lady, he’s my brother! Who are you to say who he is or isn’t to me?!”

Me: “Please mind your own business and leave us alone. I didn’t do anything.”

Lady: “Hmph. We’ll see about that.”

She leaves in a hurry and we think it’s over. I start to call Mom to talk about the spices. Then, this lady comes back with a manager.

Lady: “There he is! He’s harassing that young lady and forcing her to call him her brother.”

Manager: “Young lady, is this true?”

Sister: “No! He’s literally my brother! We came here to buy some stuff and this lady’s harassing us!”

Lady: “That’s a lie! You’re too different to be siblings. I don’t believe in this garbage.”

Manager: “Sir, I’ll have to ask you to leave if you keep harassing this young lady.”

Me: “Well, I’d gladly do it, sir. But I can prove we’re siblings.”

Lady: “He’s bluffing! He can’t do that at all.”

Me: “Then please check out our IDs and you’ll see if I really am.”

We both give our IDs to the manager who starts to check out our names and the other information, such as our affiliation to our parents. The lady also tries to check along with the manager.

Manager: “After checking them, your surnames and affiliation are the same. I’m sorry for the disturbance we’ve caused.”

Me: “It’s nothing, sir. If anything, that woman is at fault for causing this scene.”

Lady: “I— I just made a tiny mistake. No hard feelings to be held.”

Sister: “Well, aside from the fact that you’re a racist old hag that doesn’t have anything better to do, sure.”

Lady: “What?! And here I thought you were a lady, you little ungrateful—”

Me: “Lady, turn away and don’t finish that sentence unless you wish to be sued in court for racism.”

Lady: “Fine! I was done here, anyway.”

And then she left in a hurry. The manager apologized again and then left, too.

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