Will Trip Over Your Own Ankles To Get A Job

, , , | Related | August 16, 2017

(I live with my dad and my brother. Lately, I got sick of working in customer service so I quit and started looking for a job in a warehouse. There weren’t a lot and I was out of work for months. During that time, my dad, who likes to always have the last word of everything, comes up to me.)

Dad: “Get a job! Do something!”

Me: “I am looking!”

Dad: “Go to school! Do something!” *leaves*

Me: “What the h***?”

Brother: “It’s normal for parents to harass their children.”

(Fast forward a few weeks after that, I finally get a job at a shipping warehouse. During all this time, my dad has been harassing me. Everything goes well until my boss makes me do something dangerous, and I trip and fall. I break my ankle and go to the hospital and get a cast. I can’t work.)

Me: “See what happened?! You told me to go and get a job and I do and I break my ankle!”

Dad: *completely baffled* “Uhh….durr?” *walks away*

Brother: “It’s all your fault for listening to your boss. Take some responsibility.”

(I can’t wait to move out!)

If It Comes Out Pangaea It Needs A Few Hundred Million More Years

, , , | Related | August 14, 2017

(My mother and sister are putting together a globe cake and are having… difficulties placing the continents.)

Sister: “So… uh… is Spain supposed to run into Egypt?”

Mom: “There was some continental shifting involved.”

Me: “I guess the plains in Spain missed the rains down in Africa.”

Sister: “No.”

Staying Up Super(Mario) Late

, , , , , | Related | August 14, 2017

(My little brother doesn’t want to go to bed.)

Mom: “Time for bed!”

Brother: “You’re not my dad! You can’t tell me what to do!”

Dad: “I am your dad and I say go to bed!”

Brother: “Yeah… but you aren’t Mario. I only take orders from Mario.”

(My family is full of nerds, so we have a Mario hat. I happen to know where it is. I run to get it, put it on, and come back.)

Me: “IT’S A-MEEE!”

Brother: *sighs dramatically and walks out of the room*

This Museum Is A Snore

, , , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I am really sick when we go on a family vacation to Paris but I want to push it down and go to the Louvre. After walking all over the Louvre for the day I am exhausted but finally we make it to a sign advertising the Mona Lisa down the mile-long hallway. This happens when we got out of the gallery.)

Dad & Sister #1: “We just looked at the other paintings; they were beautiful!”

Mom & Sister #2: “We only got to see the Mona Lisa for a second before another couple shoved us out of the way, but we still got pictures!”

All of Them: “What did you do, [My Name]?”

Me: *blinking blearily* “Well, first I sat on the bench at the front of the gallery and then, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for half an hour.”

Both Go Straight To Kidnap

, , , | Related | August 9, 2017

(My 49-year-old mother is living with a man neither of her daughters approve of. He has made horrible impressions on both of us, which only worsens when we learn that he is, A, still married, because, B, his wife is pressing charges of domestic violence and he’s, C, on bail waiting for the trial to start. My sister and I refuse to have anything to do with him and are basically waiting for Mom to realize she deserves better. I am hanging out at my sister’s apartment with her and a couple of her friends. We both get a text at the same time.)

Mom: “Girls, I think I’m pregnant! Have a doctor’s appointment next week to confirm.”

(My sister and I stare at each other in horror.)

Sister: “What if Mom has a baby?”

Me: “What if she has [Boyfriend]’s baby?”

(Mom can’t work and lives on a small disability income. Her boyfriend refuses to pay child support for the kids he has with his soon-to-be ex-wife.)

Sister: “…we have to kidnap that baby.”

Me: “I can’t think of anything better. Tell you what: you fake a pregnancy now and then I’ll raise my fake nephew-slash-real-brother.”

Sister: “I can’t do that to my boyfriend!”

Me: “Well, no-one’s going to believe [Wife] got me pregnant!”

Sister: “We need a better plan.”

Friend: “You really do.”

(Fortunately, my mom’s symptoms were early menopause, so we didn’t have to think of a genuine plan for rescuing our supposed baby sibling.)

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