Peruvian Toilet Spiders Of Death

, , , , , | Related | September 23, 2018

(My little sister and I decide to take a Tour of Peru together. We are at the point in the trip where we will spend the next two days in Machu Picchu, the trip highlight. The difference with this part of the trip, which we knew in advance, is that you cannot take large pieces of luggage with you. The train can’t take the weight. Each passenger is allowed a small bag. All luggage is secured at the base of the mountain. We were prepared and have our reduced bags, which are basically overnight bags at best. Only the essentials are here. One of the items I picked was a can of Raid. My sister is very aware of my arachnophobia and my slow gains on conquering it. This is the rainforest we are visiting. Already, at a lower elevation, she has crushed a spider for me big enough I heard it crunch. God only knows what’s up the mountain. We get into the hotel at the top and everything is great. We settle in for the night. I shower at night, so I begin to run the water but let her use the toilet real quick. Turns out… not so quick. As I walk out of the bathroom, I note a crack in the toilet. Since it isn’t leaking, no big deal. Turns out it isn’t a crack. My sister uses the toilet and goes to flush when she screams. Yup, there’s a toilet spider — a spider big enough I thought its leg was a crack. She keeps trying to flush it down — without success — and screaming at me not to enter the bathroom. I remember the Raid and hand off the can. Between the pesticide and the constantly flushing toilet, we conquer the toilet spider. After my shower, I mention the crack I saw.)

Sister: “You saw that thing and let me pee on it?”

Me: “I thought it was a crack in the toilet.”

Sister: “How? I can’t believe you! I sat with my bare butt to that thing. And you let me!”

(We still argue whether I should have warned her or not. The spider also gets bigger with every telling! We loved that trip and all its stories.)

The Family That Eats Together Orders Separately

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2018

(I get off work at night, and want to pick up something quick for dinner. I put an order in online at a restaurant chain that closes in a half-hour, and I’m on my way over to the restaurant when I get a text from my sister.)

Sister: “Do you want me to pick up your to-go order?”

(I have not told my sister about my takeout plans, nor have I shared my rewards account info with her.)

Me: “Huh?”

Sister: “Your to-go order from [Restaurant].”

Me: “How do you know?”

(Then, I get a call from my sister.)

Sister: “I was waiting for my to-go order and I saw [My First Initial, Our Last Name] pop up on the screen.”

Me: “Didn’t you think it was yours, just misspelled?”

Sister: “Or maybe it was [Cousin]’s order.”

(We have a very unusual last name, but yes, somehow my sister and I had the same idea that night of going to the same restaurant within a few minutes. I was only a couple blocks away when we spoke so I picked up my own food. Sure enough, I saw her at home with the same restaurant’s bag.)

Magical Whimsical

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2018

(My cousin likes to force her five-year-old son to conform to some high standard of a perfect little boy like you’d see in a magazine and doesn’t allow him to actually act like a small child. We like to instill a little whimsy in him whenever she’s not around. We’re currently taking him to a street fair, and my sister finds a dandelion that’s turned to puff.)

Sister: “Look! If you see a dandelion that looks like that, you can make a wish and blow on it, and it’ll carry your wish into the sky!”

(He excitedly blows on it ,and we continue walking. He sees the prettiest fall leaf — the first of the season — on the sidewalk, and excitedly picks it up.)

Cousin: “My wish came true!”

(He had a smile on his face for the rest of the day.)

Someone Should “Lightly” Explain How This Works

, , , , , , , | Related | September 15, 2018

(We are at my aunt’s house and there has been a blackout. My aunt turns on a battery-powered light in the kitchen, and my sister and cousin start making shadow puppets with it.)

Sister: *holds up two fingers in front of the light* “Look, a bunny!”

Cousin: *holds up her whole hand in front of the light* “Look, a turkey!”

Aunt: *picks up her coffee pot and holds it in the light* “Look, a coffee pot!”

Enveloped In Stupidity

, , , , | Related | September 14, 2018

(This takes place via email.)

Me: “Dear Sis, I need to enter the checks for our business in the spreadsheet. When you get the mail, please take a picture of the checks and email it to me.”

Sister: “Here you go!”

Me: “Um, Sis, a photograph of the sealed envelopes isn’t any use to me. I need things like the check number, who wrote it, and the amount. Please open the envelopes and take pictures of the checks themselves, then send them to me.”

Sister: “Oh! I didn’t know that’s what you wanted.”

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