Are You Shore?

, , , , , , | Related | July 31, 2021

This happened back in the 1970s. I was nearly five and my little sister would have been about three. After growing up in London, we had just moved to a small town.

Mum was taking my sister and me on our first trip to the shops in this new town. My sister was in her buggy and I was walking by the side. As we walked over the crest of a hill, something flat and grey-blue came into view, although neither my sister nor I paid any attention to it until Mum asked us about it.

Mum: “Do you see that blue thing in the distance?”

Sister & Me: “Yes, Mummy?”

Mum: “Do you know what it is?”

Our guesses included a stream, a river, a pond, and a lake until, eventually…

Me: “Mummy, is it the sea?”

Mum: “Yes!”

Sister & Me: “Wow!”

When we were growing up in London, Mum and Dad didn’t have a car, so going to the beach was a very rare event — maybe once a year — so Sis and I were quite taken with this knowledge that we were near the coast.

That night, when Sis and I were in our rooms, Mum came to check that we were asleep and was quite surprised to see me awake. I was really worried.

Mum: “Are you all right?”

Me: “You know the sea, Mummy?”

Mum: “Yes, dear?”

Me: “Will it still be there tomorrow?”

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Wait Until You Hear What She Does With “War Horse”

, , , , , | Related | July 29, 2021

My little sister was very artistically inclined and very often liked to sketch pictures after being inspired by movies.

One time, we watched the movie “Black Beauty,” and unsurprisingly, afterward, she drew a rudimentary sketch of a horse and taped it to her bedroom door.

She proudly presented her work to us. My mom gasped.

Mom: “Ohhhh, no, no, no!”

Meanwhile, the crude-joke-loving teenage me fell on the floor howling and laughing.

In big crayon lettering at the top of the drawing was the caption, “BLACK BOOTY.”

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One Wild Ride

, , , , , | Healthy | July 26, 2021

The summer before my brother starts college, we go to an amusement park. He drags me on a bunch of terrible rides and a fun time is had by all. A few days later, however…

Brother: “My stomach hurts.”

Mom: “Where? How bad is it?”

Brother: “It’s not bad, just kind of sore right here.”

He gestures vaguely to the middle of his stomach, so my mom dismisses his appendix.

Mom: “It’s probably bruised from the bars on the [ride]. It’s what you get for dragging your sister on it and flipping it over.”

Over the course of a week, the pain doesn’t subside, but my brother hasn’t mentioned it getting worse or anything like that. My mom lets it go for the moment but decides to take him to the doctor if it doesn’t get better by next week. Come the weekend, I find him lying down on the floor of his room.

Me: “[Brother], are you okay?”

Brother: “No, my stomach really hurts. I just took another Hydrocodone, and it still hurts.”

The Hydrocodone was for his oral surgery he’d had earlier in the year. That surgery bothered him so little he never ended up taking the pills and just left them in the medicine cabinet.

Me: “Don’t worry. I’ll get Mom and we’ll take you to the doctor, okay?”

I got to my mom’s room.

Me: “Mom, we need to take [Brother] to the doctor. His stomach hurts and he took another Hydrocodone.”

Mom: “He did what?”

She rushed out, collected my brother, and drove us to the emergency room. It turns out it was his appendix. It had actually ruptured partially, though thankfully his body had walled it off. He had to go in for emergency surgery. My parents were pissed he let himself suffer so much before getting help. He recovered fine and was more upset that he had a weight limit for his first two weeks at college.

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The Sibling Shade!

, , , , , , | Related | July 25, 2021

I overhear this at a convenience store.

Boy: “Hey, sis, can I ask you a riddle?”

The teenager beside him shrugs.

Boy: “What always goes down but never goes up?”

Sister: “Your grades.”

Boy: *Dejected* “I hate that you are correct.”

For those curious, the proper answer was “rain.”

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Oh, Brother! – Part 6

, , , , | Related | July 24, 2021

Back when I was a teen, my dad admitted to me that my grandfather wasn’t actually blood-related to either of us. The long story short is that my grandmother accidentally got pregnant with my dad as a teen and my ultra-conservative great-grandparents forced her to marry the first available guy they could find — my grandfather — to save their family’s reputation. She then went on to have my uncle with him before they got divorced when my dad and uncle were teens. Neither of them was told the first part until they were in their twenties.

Dad: “I always used to give [Uncle] s*** as kids because we didn’t really look alike. I’d always tell him crap like, ‘You aren’t Dad’s kid!’ or, ‘You’re adopted!’ You know, the stuff you antagonize a younger sibling with, obviously not meaning it seriously. Well, it turned out it was me who wasn’t related to Dad! [Uncle] still hasn’t let me live that down and I can’t say I blame him.”

Related:
Oh, Brother!, Part 5
Oh, Brother! – Part 4
Oh, Brother! – Part 3
Oh, Brother! – Part 2
Oh, Brother!

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