What Do You Expect? You Took His Wisdom!

, , , , , | Related | March 2, 2021

My younger brother gets his wisdom teeth out the year after I do. The anesthesia didn’t affect me all that much, but my brother needs a double dose and he’s so loopy afterward that he can’t even walk in a straight line. Despite this, he refuses to sit still or stop talking, pretty much acting like a happy drunk.

My mom and I finally get him to sit down to watch TV with an ice pack on his face and leave the rest of the family to make sure he doesn’t get up or do anything stupid.

Me: *To our mom* “And you complained about me being boring after getting my wisdom teeth out.”

Mom: “I take it back. I take it all back. I wish he was as boring as you.”

After he finally came down from the high, our mom told him that if he ever became an alcoholic or a druggie, she would immediately ship him off to rehab because she never wanted to repeat that experience.

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She Put What In Where?!

, , , , , | Related | February 24, 2021

Cooking and baking are hobbies of mine, and whenever I make something, my family is quick to eat it all. On this occasion, I make macaroni and cheese, but I use a bunch of tricks to improve the boxed stuff, such as heavily seasoning the pasta water and making the cheese sauce in a separate pot. My mother finds my alterations odd, but my younger brothers love it and I’ll gobble it up right alongside them.

Brother #1: “What are we gonna do when you go to college and can’t make this for us anymore?”

Mom: “It’s boxed mac and cheese. I make that for you all the time.”

Brother #1: “But it’s better when [My Name] makes it!”

Mom: “What am I, chopped liver?”

Brother #2: “You like tuna in mac and cheese! You don’t get to decide what’s good!”

She never did learn to salt her pasta water… or how to make all of us tuna-hating kids see the appeal of mixing tuna into mac and cheese.

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Definitely For The Best That He Doesn’t Live Alone

, , , | Related | February 22, 2021

My brother owns a house that he can’t live in due to health issues. There’s nothing wrong with the house; he just can’t live on his own, so he has moved in with our parents. He is not comfortable with renting the house out, fully intending on moving back one day, but on finding out that a cousin is moving to our area for a six-month contract, he offers the house to him to stay in.

We have other cousins who would take advantage of this sort of thing and would hound my brother mercilessly to provide them with the house, so this needs to be kept secret. Apart from my parents, uncle, and cousin, of course, I am the only other person told about the arrangement.

Brother: “[Cousin] moved into the house last week.”

Me: “That’s great. I might call around to say hello next week.”

Brother: “No, you can’t do that.”

Me: “Why not?”

Brother: “I don’t want anyone to know he’s there.”

Me: “Yeah, I know that. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Brother: “I know you wouldn’t. I can trust you. But what if someone finds out?”

Me: “Who’s going to find out? [Cousin]? Who’s he going to tell? Himself? I think he already knows that he’s living there.”

Brother: *Confused* “What?”

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for it to click. When it does, he starts laughing.

Brother: “Oh, yeah, I forgot that.”

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Boys’ Clothes Are Harder Because They Get To Have Pockets

, , , | Related | February 16, 2021

My hobby is sewing. I love it so much that I have taken a full dressmaking course. My elder sister decided that she would get our grandmother to teach her. My sister is the type of person who always thinks they know everything. She is showing me some T-shirts she has made for her daughters. I notice a problem with some shoddy work and ask if our grandmother taught her to do it that way; she was a professional seamstress so she should have known the correct way.

Me: “Did Nanna tell you to do it like that?”

Sister: “No, she showed me how to do it [the correct way], but I decided that she was wrong so did it the way I knew was right.”

Me: “Well, you were wrong and Nanna was right. Have you made anything for [Nephew]?”

Sister: “No, boys’ clothes are too hard to make.”

Me: “No, they’re not. You can even use the same pattern for the T-shirt; just change the colour for a boy. He’s going to feel left out if you don’t.”

Sister: “Everyone knows that boys’ clothes are too hard. Anyway, he’s never going to notice.”

The next day, my five-year-old nephew gets up in front of his class to recite some news about himself.

Nephew: “My mum does sewing. She makes stuff for [Elder Sister], she makes stuff for [Younger Sister], but she don’t make nothing for me”

I felt sorry for him so I made him a T-shirt and shorts set.

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RIP In Peace

, , , | Related | February 14, 2021

This takes place when my sisters and I are children. We are on a family road trip, with the three of us stuck in the backseat. We are all close in age — there are less than three years between me and my youngest sister, and I’m the oldest — and we end up, as siblings who are close in age AND close in physical proximity are wont to do, arguing and fighting with one another.

My parents are getting quite fed up with this, and after repeatedly telling us to knock it off, my dad finally loses his cool.

Dad:That’s enough! What would you do if one of you was to die?!

Youngest Sister: *Wide-eyed* “I’d cry!”

Middle Sister: “I’d cry, too!”

I look back and forth between my two sisters.

Me: “Well, then, I guess I’d be the dead one.”

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