His Knowledge Of Literature Is A Bit Soft

, , , , | Related | March 4, 2020

(I’m home for Thanksgiving during my first quarter of college; I’m 18 and my brother is eight. We’re having a meal and the conversation turns to the classes I’m taking and what I’m learning in those classes.)

Mom: “Well, [My Name], have you read anything good or found any new authors you like?”

Me: *brightly* “Ooh, I like Plato.”

Brother: “I like Play-Doh, too!”

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Big Brother Is Watching You

, , , , , , | Related | February 11, 2020

(My husband’s brother moves in with us as he is unable to work due to medical issues. I have been joking with my friends that it is like I have two husbands, and one pretty much demands to know where I am going, who I am going with, etc. Basically, it’s like 20 questions if I go out, even when I’m working. My husband has never been like that. One afternoon, I get home from work after doing a task that was very dusty. I quickly shower and get changed before I head to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Usually, I have tea first. My brother-in-law enters the hospital and demands:)

Brother: “Where have you been all day? You said you were working; you aren’t dressed for work, so where did you go?”

Me: “What the h***? I changed my clothes!”

Brother: “Oh… Okay.” *leaves the room*

(I speak to my husband and ask him to talk to his brother because I am getting fed up with it.)

Husband: “It’s not just you; he does it to me, too.”

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Collies Without Borders

, , , , , , | Related | February 7, 2020

(My family is gathered at my house and we are attempting to watch television together. Originally, I am seated in the middle of the couch between my sister and my mother, while my uncle is seated across the room from me. Said uncle has a habit of quickly grabbing the remote and slowly remembering that he has no clue how to work my equipment, so I stand to get the remote and get the game on. Almost instantly, my border collie jumps up and takes my spot without invitation.)

Me: “Get off.”

Mother: “You can just sit over there.” *points to a different seat*

Me: “Not the point. No one invited her up. She shouldn’t be on the couch unless she’s called.”

Sister: *as she starts rubbing my dog* “It’s fine! Just leave her be!”

Me: “It’s not fine. She’s a big dog. If she doesn’t learn obedience, bad things will happen.” *back to my dog* “Off!”

(Despite her love of being rubbed, my dog takes the command and climbs off the couch to lay down beside it.)

Sister: “You are such a bully.”

Me: “When you get your own dog, raise it your way. This is my dog, so I’ll raise it my way.”

(With that out of the way, I go back to working on the television. Before I can finish, my sister glances out the window and notices my neighbors’ daughter has come to visit. As she is friends with said daughter but they don’t get to see each other much due to college, my sister pops out to say hi and catch up. It is also worth noting that my neighbors have a Papillon. On her return, my sister groans.)

Sister: “[Neighbors] have to do something about [Papillion]! He is completely out of control! Doesn’t listen to one thing anyone says! Why can’t he be more like [Border Collie]?”

Me: *facepalm*

(Despite my numerous efforts to explain it, she has still yet to figure out my “bullying” is how to get an obedient dog and still objects to how strict I am with my border collie.)

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You’re The Black Dress Of The Family

, , , , | Related | February 6, 2020

(It’s my sister’s wedding and I’m invited. We aren’t close and I’m against weddings but I decide to go anyway to please my dad and brother. I plan to go in a dressy blouse and a formal skirt, but my brother wants me to wear an expensive dress.)

Me: “I don’t have the money for a dress.”

Brother: “Liar!”

Me: “Well, I don’t want to wear one. I’m a grown woman and can choose my own clothes! Why are you trying to control me?”

Brother: “I’m not trying to take away your freedom of choice. But this is a formal event and everyone will be looking at you. You’ll embarrass her if you wear a blouse and skirt to your own sister’s wedding.”

Me: “I don’t care what she thinks! Do you remember what she wore to my university graduation celebration?”

Brother: “No. What?”

Me: “Ripped jeans and a dirty sweatshirt. That day meant a lot to me after I worked like a dog for my degree. So, tell me again why I should wear this dress?”

(He went silent after that, but on the day of the wedding he started up again. I figured it was just one day, so I caved, but I wish I hadn’t.)

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There’s No Place Like Home, Motherf*****s!

, , , , | Related | February 1, 2020

(The little sister mentioned in this story isn’t actually our sister, but my brother’s friend, who has been basically adopted by my family since we’ve known her for most of our lives and my mother has treated her like her own for a long time. My youngest brother lives in England and my older sister in California. My second brother is also considering moving. Our family is from Finland.)

Little Sister: “I thought of applying to [French University] after I finish my current degree.”

Little Brother: “I thought you wanted to get into [University near her].”

Little Sister: “Yeah, I did, but Dad will have peacekeeping responsibilities for at least eight years, you don’t live here, [Sister] doesn’t live here, [Older Brother] doesn’t want to live here… I have no family members here and it just feels wrong.”

(Yup, that’s how she said it.)

Me: “Okay, don’t get me wrong; I support your decision, no matter what it is. But could you, my dearest siblings, please stop solving all of your problems with moving out of the country?”

Little Sister: “Okay, first of all, adopted, so I don’t count, and therefore, I do whatever I want. Au revoir, motherf*****s.”

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