Our pet store has an extensive aquarium and fish section. A couple is wandering the store and the husband comes on over.

Customer: “I’ve been looking into getting fish for the first time. What are good starter fish?”

I go through everything a novice might need and what kinds of fish would be suitable.

Me: “Now as for feeding them—”

Customer: “Feeding them? Don’t the fish just… like… eat the water?”

Me: “No, sir, they don’t. They need food.”

Customer: “I just want fish who eat water! I don’t want a high-maintenance fish tank!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that’s—”

In one big swooping motion, the customer’s wife closes the distance between where she was browsing and where we are, grabs the tube of fish food I had placed on the counter during my explanation, and holds it up to her husband.

Customer’s Wife: “This makes the water taste nice, so the fish will eat the water even more, making it extra yummy!”

Customer: *To me* “Well then, why didn’t you say so? You’re not a very good salesgirl, are you?”

I left them to browse a bit longer, with the wife loudly convincing her husband that they didn’t have room for a fish tank (while winking at me), but that they could do with another plant. At least that can survive on water!

Customer: “I need some of that spray that stops the dogs from chewing on my table legs.”

Me: “Yes, we have some over here.”

Customer: “Oh, no, not that brand. My dog doesn’t like that one.”

Me: “…”

I worked at a large pet store chain for a few years, and I worked directly with the animals. I was on the bus, coming home from college. I had my headphones on, and a lad was trying to get my attention, so I took them off.

Lad: “Hey, you work at [Store], right?”

Me: “Yes?”

Lad: “Okay, great. So, my sister has this lizard…”

I’ve also had people ask me for information while I was shopping in other stores.

Part of my job is to do basic water tests for fish tanks. One lady brings me a sample of water, and I do the whole test.

Me: “Ma’am, your water appears to be extremely alkaline.”

Customer: “You’re a liar! I’ve never had batteries in my tank!”

Me: “No…”

A woman comes in with a puppy about five or six weeks old.

Customer: “Help me pick out a dog food.”

Me: “How old is he, and what breed? What food is he eating now?”

Customer: “Eight weeks. I don’t know the breed, and I don’t know which food.”

Me: “Hmm, he may need milk because he looks way younger than eight weeks, and he looks like a pit bull mix.”

Customer: *Suddenly yelling* “The person who gave him to me said he wouldn’t get bigger and he would stay this small!”

Me: “Uh… ma’am, sorry, but no. Pit bulls usually get above fifty pounds depending on which breed they are.”

The customer looks like she’s having a nervous breakdown!

Customer: “I wanted a small dog. Are there any dogs that stay small? Only teacup dogs!”

Me: “This little guy is certainly not a teacup, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, what if I feed him smaller amounts of food?”

Me: “So, you want to starve him? He gets big because of his breed, not because of what he eats.”

Customer: “No, no, no, this will not do. I wanted a teacup…”

She walked out of the store and left the poor guy behind! I called out to her and tried to see if she’d driven here, but she was gone before I could do anything to truly identify her.

I took the puppy home with the intention of putting him up for fostering, but he was almost immediately adopted by my cat, Janeway, so that settled that. 

Five years later, that woman might have ruined my hope in humanity for a while, but Janeway and Chakotay are getting along like best friends.