Some Kids Think They’re All-Knowing

, , , , , | Related | January 28, 2020

(I’m with my father, sister, and two nephews, who are both under four.)

Sister: “Hey, [Nephew], tell us what you said to me last night about God.”

Nephew: “I know who God is; God is love.”

Dad: “That’s nice.”

Nephew: “Mom is God with you?”

Dad: “Huh?”

Nephew: “Because she loves you!”

Dad: “Aww, well, I’ll be God with you, too.”

(My nephew then starts to tackle his baby brother.)

Dad: “Hey, stop that! You be God with your brother.”

Nephew: “I DON’T WANNA BE GOD!”

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A Sign From God

, , , , , | Friendly | January 24, 2020

Some years ago, the city I live in was inundated with screaming God botherers — no, not Christians; there are profound differences between the two — who made it a point to stop anyone who entered the city center.

Having no idea that these oxygen thieves were around, I went into town to do some shopping. As I wandered through the pedestrianised area, one of them rushed up to me and thrust a Bible into my hands.

I reached into my breast pocket and pulled out a pen.

I signed that Bible, handed it back saying, “Always nice to meet a fan,” and sauntered off.

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Sounds Like You’re Better Off With Satan

, , , , , | Working | January 23, 2020

(I am female, and this interaction happens when I am a teenager. I am at a bookstore and the cashier ringing up my order is a middle-aged man who is being generally creepy throughout the entire transaction.)

Cashier: “Okay, your total is $19.99.”

Me: *pays with $20 and starts to walk away without the change, as I am in a hurry to get away from the cashier, who is making me uncomfortable*

Cashier: “Wait, what about your change?”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay. I don‘t need it.” *still trying to walk away*

Cashier: “But what if you die and go to Hell, and Satan is holding you over a pit of fire and he says, ‘Give me a penny, and I’ll let you go!’ but you don‘t have a penny, because you left it here? What then?”

Me: “Umm…?”

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Good Lord! Add A Tip!

, , , , , , | Working | January 14, 2020

(I’ve pulled up to the speaker to order my dinner from a fast food restaurant.)

Me: “Can I have a number three with a Coke, medium-sized?”

Employee: “Okay, so that’s a medium number three with a Coke. Anything else?”

Me: “Nope, that’s it.”

Employee: “Okay, please pull ahead, your total will be… a bad number.”

(On the screen, it shows the total to be $6.66. I pull ahead to the window and give him my card.)

Employee: “I won’t say the number because it’s a bad one, but you know what it is. Do you want your receipt?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Employee: “Good choice. Don’t want the devil chasing you down.”


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Evil Stepmothers Are Not Christian

, , , , , | Friendly | January 10, 2020

(It is February vacation, which is a week-long break for public schools in New England. My brother and his family visit, since they also have February vacation and my brother has work in Boston. My wife, my brother’s new fiancee — he’s a widower — and our combined five children and I go to a local tourist attraction, a farm and wildlife sanctuary that is open to the public. We are near the chicken coop when my brother’s fiancee just starts yelling at some Indian family nearby.)

Brother’s Fiancee: “Don’t talk about God that way!”

Indian Man: “I was not talking about religion.”

Brother’s Fiancee: “I bet you’re not even Christian!”

Indian Man: “No, I’m not. I fail to see how–”

Brother’s Fiancee: You’re condemning your kids to suffer in Hell.”

(At this point, my identical twin nieces are hugging me, scared.)

Indian Man: *calmly* “I will make a deal with you. I assume you are a Christian. I will live according to my Hindu virtues and you to your Christian ones, of which I believe intolerance of the beliefs of others seems to tragically be one such virtue. Then, when we die, we shall see who goes to Heaven and Hell, though the stakes are higher for you than for me, for neither Hell or Heaven are permanent to me. Should I make a mistake and end up in either, I shall be reborn with another chance to attain the divine.”

(My brother’s fiancee was speechless and walked to the car and waited there alone for a few hours while we finished our sightseeing. That evening, my brother called off the engagement. It appears she had been unpopular with her almost-stepdaughters for a while, making fun of the fact that they look the same, wear glasses, and are second graders, and also insinuating that their mother went to Hell because she was Jewish.)

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