That Smaller Parcel Must Have Been His Brain

, , , , , | Friendly | July 26, 2018

(My neighbor is in his mid-forties and is a child of a trust fund, so he’s always had people available at his whim, has never worked, and is a total moron. During the day he has two nannies taking care of his kids while his wife works. I miss a package delivery while I am at work, so the delivery company leaves a ticket stating that the package is with my neighbor. I head over, ticket in hand, to collect it.)

Neighbor: *answering door* “Yeah?”

Me: “Hi, I wasn’t in to get a parcel; they left it at yours. Can I get it?” *shows ticket*

Neighbor: *immediately confused* “Uh, sorry, no. The nanny deals with stuff like that. Come back when she’s back.”

Me: “I kind of need it; did the post not deliver my parcel here?”

Neighbor: “Why did they deliver your parcel here?”

Me: “I wasn’t in.”

Neighbor: “Why not?”

Me: *too shocked by his stupidity* “Look. My parcel was dropped off here; can you please check?”

(He looks around his feet and picks up the nearest parcel, hands it to me without a word, and shuts the door. The parcel is way too small to be what I am expecting. I check the address slip and it has the neighbor’s address and his wife’s name on it. I ring the bell again several times until he eventually answers again.)

Neighbor: “What now?”

Me: “There’s been some confusion; this is your wife’s parcel.”

Neighbor: “Well, what do you want with it, then?”

Me: “I don’t want it. I want mine. Can you please look?”

Neighbor: *taking the parcel back and looking around his feet* “Nothing here. Look: can you please come back when the nanny is here? She deals with all the stuff like this.”

Me: “Well, can you check the front room or something for a box with this address on it?” *I hand him the ticket* “Please?!”

(He disappears for a few seconds and comes back with a very large box and an equally confused expression on his face.)

Neighbor: “Huh. There’s this, but… it’s got the wrong address on it.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I’m after.”

Neighbor: “Why was it delivered here? I’m not [bad pronunciation of My Name].”

Me: “That’s me! It’s what I’m here for.”

Neighbor: “How did you know it was here?”

Me: “Because the delivery company left a ticket. Can I please have it now?”

Neighbor: *handing it over* “But why didn’t they just deliver it to you?”

(I took the parcel and just rolled my eyes at the last question. I didn’t think leaving post with neighbors was that difficult a concept.)

That Is Not A Happy Bunny

, , , , | Friendly | July 19, 2018

(I have pet rabbits. My neighbor asks me if his seven-year-old daughter can see them. I accept.)

Me: “Here they are.”

Daughter: “Bunnies! Can I hold one?”

Neighbor: “Of course, sweetheart.”

Me: “I have to advise against it. They might get spooked and start shrieking if picked up by an unfamiliar person. Maybe after they get used to you.”

Neighbor: “That’s just silly. It’s not like we’re wolves ready to eat them.”

Daughter: “I brought them carrots. Can I feed them?”

Me: “Sorry to break it to you, honey, but more than a teaspoon and they might get sick.”

Daughter: “But Bugs eats carrots.”

Me: “Bugs is a cartoon, and cartoons can do many things real animals cannot.”

Daughter: “Oh, that makes sense I guess. What do they eat?”

Me: “Mostly hay, grass, and leafy greens.”

Daughter: “Bunnies are weird, but cute… Can I use the restroom, please?”

(After we get back from the restroom, I see my neighbor has picked up a bunny which, as I expected, starts shrieking. I take the poor thing out of his hands and gently put him back.)

Neighbor: “What the h*** was that?!”

Me: “Congratulations! Your first scared rabbit. I did ask you not to pick them up.”

Daughter: *with a mouthful of cookies* “Daddy should practice what he preaches.”

(He asked me a few days later if he could have any baby bunnies. All of my rabbits are neutered and spayed, but even if they weren’t, I wouldn’t give him one.)

A Parking Spot Of Bother

, , , , , | Friendly | July 18, 2018

(This story takes place barely a month after my husband and I returned from our honeymoon and began living together for the first time. My husband is preparing to lead a soccer tour to an African country, taking along a couple dozen students. Understandably, it has been a busy time, and he is dealing with the final preparations. On Friday, the evening before he is set to leave, he gets home from work and decides he wants to park his car in the stall we get at our condo complex, instead of leaving his car on the street for two weeks. Unfortunately, there is someone parked in our stall, and my husband says he’s noticed the same vehicle there before. Slightly stressed with everything that is going on, my husband panics, and sees a sign in the parking lot with a number to call if there are any problems. He calls, and a tow truck comes and tows the car away. Soon after, we get a knock on our door.)

Dude: “Hey, did you get my car towed?”

Husband: “Yeah, you were parked in our stall. Sorry about that.”

Dude: “That was a jerk move. You could have just left a note on my windshield!”

Husband: “I’m sorry about that. I just have a lot going on right now, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m really sorry.”

(Our neighbour gives him a few more choice words after that, says something about living next door to a condo board member and them saying it was okay to park in our spot, and storms off. My husband and I leave the condo for an hour or two afterwards, and as soon as we return, there is another knock on the door.)

Dude: “Hey, it’s going to cost $450 to get my car back.”

Husband: “I’m really sorry.”

(They went back and forth a few more times, the guy getting progressively angrier. The conversation finished with the guy threatening to take us to small claims court. Yeah. Small court claims because he was parking in OUR parking spot — aka stealing. I ended up calling the condo management company and speaking to one of the administrative ladies to explain the situation, just in case he called. As I was finishing my story, I’m pretty sure I could hear her softly chuckling. She ended up calling me a few days later and said she spoke with the person in question, that he was in the wrong, and that the situation was resolved. My husband definitely regrets calling the number, as leaving a note would have been nicer, but at the same time, the guy didn’t have any leg to stand on. He didn’t park in our spot again and my husband saw him only once more after that. It was late at night, around the parking lot, and my husband thinks he was drunk. He said something along the lines of, “That spot good enough for you?”)


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About To Go (Mark Of The) Beast-Mode On Your Neighbor

, , , , , | Friendly | July 12, 2018

(My neighbor and I have a long-seeded history of hate for one another. It started with her giving me snarky remarks about weaning my son from his bottle at ten months old and escalated from there. I am sitting on my other neighbor’s deck, just talking to [Neighbor #1]. The neighbor I do not like, [Neighbor #2], walks up and just butts into the conversation. My husband starts bringing my son over so I call out:)

Me: “Yay, here comes [Son]!”

(His name happens to be the same name as the kid from “The Omen.”)

Neighbor #2: “Oh, lord! Please tell me that’s not your child’s name! Don’t take this the wrong way, but anyone with the name ‘[Son]’ belongs in Hell with all the demons and Satan himself! I knew a ‘[Son]’ once and he was the absolute worst person I have ever met in my life! You’ve condemned your child to a life of Hell! He will rot in Hell with the rest of his kind.”

(I was absolutely the maddest I have ever been, but I somehow worked up the strength to walk away. She told me my two-year-old son belonged in Hell with Satan just because of his name, and I wasn’t supposed to take that the wrong way?)

Swear Goes The Neighborhood

, , , | Friendly | July 10, 2018

(I live in the country and don’t have many close neighbours. I do have a neighbour whose house is built almost 500 metres from my house so I can’t see or hear them. However, their driveway goes around the border of my house on the left and back, and is only about 20 metres from my property boundary at times. New neighbours recently moved in, and one day their children are playing on their driveway directly opposite my bedroom window. My bedroom window is open and, as I’m standing near it, I drop and smash a bottle and curse loudly. A few minutes later my doorbell rings.)

Me: “Hi.”

Woman: “Yeah, I’m [Woman] and I’ve just moved in next door.”

Me: “Great to meet you! I’m [My Name]. How are you settling in?”

Woman: “Everything was great until just now. I don’t appreciate you cursing in front of my children?”

Me: “I haven’t been near your children.”

Woman: “My children are playing in the garden, and they heard you curse just now. I do not allow anyone to curse in front of my children, and I am asking you to apologise and not do it again.”

Me: “So, you want to me to apologise for something I did on my private property?”

Woman: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Well, at least you said, ‘please.’ While you’re here: I was trying to nap just now, and your children playing outside kept me awake. I don’t allow anyone to interrupt my naps. Can you please ask your children not to play near my house in future?”

Woman: “No way! You can’t tell my children where to play in their garden.”

Me: “Exactly. Just like you can’t tell me how to speak in my own house. Goodbye.”

(And then I shut the door in her face. We never spoke again.)

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