Motorpsycho

, , , , | Friendly | June 22, 2018

(My family lives in a typically quiet residential neighborhood. However, one of our neighbors owns a motorcycle, and feels that it is entirely appropriate to race the motorcycle up and down the various streets, gunning the engine as loudly as he can, at any time of day. He’s not going anywhere in particular, just driving around in loops and up and down the streets. One day, our family is having an outdoor barbecue in our front yard when we hear the motorcyclist coming from around the corner. Right as he does, a plastic bag that has blown away from the party suddenly gets caught by the breeze and spins up into the air in front of the motorcycle. He swerves, and ends up skidding into the drainage ditch on the far side of the street. Several of the adults run to help, including my mother.)

Mother: “Oh, my gosh! Are you all right?”

Motorcyclist: “F*** OFF, C***!”

(He tries to stand up and take a swing at her, forcing her to step back, before he suddenly falls down and grabs his leg.)

Motorcyclist: “F****** b****! Look what you did! F***!”

(He continued swearing, even after 911 was called, right up until an ambulance showed up. When it did, he tried to get up again and hobbled away, swearing some more the entire time. Since then, we haven’t heard him revving around on his motorcycle, at all. Honestly, I rather hope he had to sell it to cover his hospital bills. Serves him right.)

Gone In A Keystroke

, , , , , | Friendly | June 19, 2018

When our family took vacations, we asked the neighbor to feed our cat. She was supposed to open the garage, walk inside the laundry room — which was inside the house — refill the food and water, and clean the litter box. Our cat was fine every time. Our house was exactly how we left it.

One day, we were looking for dad’s old military uniform. The garage door was open, so the neighbor could hear us.

She walked up to us and said, “I know where it is!” She lead us into the house, upstairs, and to the office closet. The uniform was on the top shelf.

We never let her have a key again.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served In Secret

, , | | Legal | June 13, 2018

(We have been called out to a residence who has had the front of their garden driven through by a car. It seems the driver swerved to avoid an oncoming vehicle and lost control. He has already offered to pay for the damages. I am taking a statement from the homeowner.)

Homeowner: “I need to get revenge somehow!”

Me: “For what reason?”

Homeowner: “He destroyed my garden!”

Me: “You believe the damage was intentional?”

Homeowner: “Of course not, but I still need to get revenge.”

(She thinks in silence for a few moments.)

Homeowner: “How about setting fire to his house?”

Me: “…”

Homeowner: “Would that be good?”

Me: “I don’t think you should be discussing this with me.”

Homeowner: “Why not!”

Me: “I’m a police officer!”

(I mentioned it to my superior and we agreed to monitor her in case she tried to act. Thankfully she didn’t, and the damage was fixed at the driver’s expense, without any trouble.)

Dressed In Neighborly Spirit

, , , , , , | | Hopeless | May 31, 2018

After living in the same suburban city in Georgia for over 25 years, I find myself relocating to Miami, Florida, for my husband’s new job. We don’t have much time to look for a place to live, so we choose an affordable apartment close to his job.

We move into a second-floor apartment in a six-story building, knowing nothing about the neighborhood. Shortly after moving in I hear the fire alarm. I go outside to discover smoke pouring from one of the sixth-floor apartments. One of the neighbors is a teenage girl, who is absolutely hysterical. She accidentally started the fire when she forgot about a pot of food she had left on the stove. She panicked and ran out of the apartment, forgetting that her father was still inside napping.

As some of the neighbors are trying to calm the girl, the father, who is a very tall, very large man, emerges from the building, a bit dazed, but unharmed. Unfortunately, he is still wearing the clothes he was napping in: a t-shirt and boxer shorts.

While my neighbors and I are waiting for the fire department to tend to the fire — the apartment is a complete loss — my next-door neighbor, who is also a very tall, very large man, comes home. He speaks to his wife, who fills him in on the situation. My next-door neighbor sees the sixth-floor dad, and then goes to his car and retrieves several shopping bags from a clothing store. He hands him the shopping bags, saying, “Here. These are for you.”

The sixth-floor dad protests that he can’t take his new clothes. The next door neighbour makes the obvious statement that he needs them more right now.

And that is how I learned what kind of neighbors I had.

Stripped Of Your Privacy

, , , , , | Working | May 1, 2018

(My office is a large house that was built in the 70’s and has wide windows in what used to be the living room. Since my office is in that room, our neighbors across the street are able to see what we’re doing easily and are prone to report to our boss about odd occurrences they see. In other words, they’re nosy. The weather has been in the low 20s, so I wear a cardigan to work one day. It gets warm enough in the afternoon for me to take it off, so I stand up from my desk to pull it off. About thirty minutes later, I get a call from my boss, who is female.)

Boss: “Is there anything I should be concerned about?”

Me: “No. Should there be?”

Boss: *sounding amused* “[Neighbor] called me. She said she noticed you stripping in front of the window.”

Me: *laughing* “Really? She’d have to be pressing her face up to the window to see that. I pulled off my cardigan only. I have a black tank top on under it. How could she miss it?”

Boss: “I don’t know, but next time you decide to have a strip show in front of the window, let me in on the show, so I can freak her out.”

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