I used to work at a movie store when those were still a thing. One day, an elderly woman approaches the counter to return a DVD.

Customer: “I need to return this, but I couldn’t rewind it. How much is the fee?”

Me: “There isn’t a fee, ma’am. DVDs don’t need to be rewound.”

Customer: “Of course they do. Otherwise, the next person will have to start watching from the end.”

Me: “That’s how videotapes worked. A DVD always starts from the beginning because it doesn’t contain any tape.”

Customer: “Young man, just because I’m old doesn’t mean you have to pander to me.”

Me: “I’m not pandering to you. It genuinely doesn’t need rewinding.”

Customer: “I tried to find the rewind button on my DVD player, but there wasn’t one.”

Me: “That’s because—”

Customer: “—If you can’t be bothered to explain it to me, just say so.”

I try explaining it several different ways, but she remains convinced that I’m only saying it because I think she’s too old to understand. In the end, I just said:

Me: “I guess the rewind button on your DVD player must be missing. Tell you what, I’ll do it for you, and I’ll waive the fee.”

Customer: “Oh, you will? That’s so kind. I appreciate it, young man!”

I worked in a video rental store in the 2000s when they were just passing the peak of their industry. A customer comes up with the movie “King of the Lost World”. It’s a cheap knock-off version of ‘King Kong’, with a badly CGI’d giant ape on the cover.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I just thought I should point out, as I do with most customers who are renting this one right now, that this isn’t the same movie as ‘King Kong’ that’s currently playing in theaters. This is a cheaper straight-to-video version.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. It’s still the movie about the giant monkey, ain’t it?”

Me: “Well, yes, but—”

Customer: “—So, stop trying to cover that your store made a mistake and released the film early and rented it to me.”

Me: “Sir, you can absolutely rent this movie, just know that you can’t get your money back just because you didn’t like it.”

He rented his movie, and the very next day:

Customer: “I want a refund!”

Me: “May I ask why, sir?”

Customer: “This ain’t the movie with Jack Black!”

Me: “No, sir, as I was explaining, it’s a cheap direct-to-video knock off. Not liking it is not a reason for a refund, sir, as I explained yesterday.”

Customer: “How do you get off on making these knock-offs to confuse people!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t make the movies, we just rent them out. I did explain to you yesterday that this was a cheap knock-off, but you rented it anyway.”

He complained more that I should have “explained it better”, but he ended up getting the manager to allow him a free replacement rental, which still sucked but was better than a refund, I guess.

A year later, I recognize the same guy in the store, not by how he looked, but based on the movie he was renting.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I just thought I should point out that this movie is called ‘The Da Vinci Treasure’ and it’s not the same movie as ‘The Da Vinci Code’ that’s currently playing in theaters. This is a cheaper straight-to-video version.”

Customer: “But it’s still the Da Vinci thingy, right?”

I recall that he knew the previous knock off wasn’t right because it didn’t star the famous actor associated with the big budget movie, so I tried that.

Me: “No, sir. ‘The Da Vinci Code’ stars Tom Hanks. This is a cheaper version that stars… well… no one really famous.”

Customer: “Look, my wife read the book, and she wanted to watch Da Vinci tonight, so you’re gonna rent it to me.”

Me: “Sir, are you going to come back here for a refund once you realize this is the cheap knock-off version and you forget that I warned you about this?”

Customer: “This is the last copy on the shelf, you just want it for yourself, don’t you?”

Me: “Sir, there’s only one copy because it’s a terrible movie and no one wants to rent it… except you.”

He continues to argue that his wife was adamant that the movie was out to rent and that she wanted to watch it that night. I rent it to him, and then tell my manager that when he comes back to demand a refund, he better not get one, and he better not get a free rental either. 

Guess who’s back the next day? Guess who doesn’t get a refund? Guess who stormed out, accusing us of making cheap knock-off movies?

Another year passes. In that year, I learned the name for these kinds of cheap knock-off movies is called ‘mockbusters’, usually made for a million or less, designed to be released at the same time as the big-budget movies they’re copying are released in theaters.

Also, the same guy is back, this time renting ‘Transmorphers.’

Me: “Sir, this is not ‘Transformers’. This is a mockbuster version of ‘Transformers’. It does not contain any of the Transformers you’re hoping to see, like Optimus Prime or Megatron. It is a cheap, direct-to-video knock-off made by a company hoping to confuse people into thinking they’re renting the big-budget movie currently playing right now in movie theaters. I will not do this song and dance with you again when you bring this back, demanding a refund because you’ve ignored everything that I’ve just said, and shout at me when we say no. With that knowledge, would you like to proceed with the rental?”

Customer: “I don’t understand. This is the movie with the giant robots, ain’t it?”

Sigh… Movie companies continue to make movies like this because people out there continue to be stupid enough to be fooled by them…

I remember back when I used to work in a movie rental place (they do still exist in some rural towns!), a customer came in, looking confused.

Customer: “This DVD didn’t make any sense!”

He hands over a copy of the Swedish vampire film ‘Let The Right One In’, which was a new release at the time.

Me: “What about the movie didn’t make any sense?”

Customer: “All of it! They were speaking, but none of what they said sounded like words!”

Me: “You know this movie is Swedish, right?”

Customer: “What’s Swedish?”

Me: “It’s a language.”

Customer: *Blank look.*

Me: “The actors in the movie are speaking Swedish, which is another language. They’re not speaking English.”

Customer: “Wait, when you say another language, you mean like Spanish?”

Me: “Spanish is another language, yes, but in this instance they’re speaking the language Swedish.”

Customer: “But they can’t be speaking another language! They’re White!”

That was when, as well as explaining how to turn on the DVD dubbing soundtrack to the customer, I also had to explain to them the concept of Europe.

The batch of old-school Blockbuster Video stories on here reminded me of when I was working there in the 1990s. A customer was trying to recall the name of the movie she wanted.

Customer: “There is a guy and a girl, and they meet up and fall in love.”

Me: “Well, so far that’s the ENTIRE romance section.”

Customer: “I think they met in a park.”

Me: “Well, it could—”

Customer: “—or a restaurant.”

Me: “Is it a new release?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Let’s look at the new releases wall and—”

Customer: “—wait, is that it?”

She picks up a VHS of ‘While You Were Sleeping’.

Me: “That’s about a woman who rescues a man who fell onto the tracks at a train station and gets mistaken for his fiancée.”

Customer: “Yeah, this is it!”

Me: “You said the movie you wanted was about a guy and a girl who meet up and fall in love, and… what am I saying, all these movies end like that. Never mind, I’m glad you found your movie!”

She rents it happily.

Two years later, she’s looking for “that movie about a guy and a girl who meet and fall in love… there might have been a boat?” and it turns out she was looking for ‘Titanic.’

I used to work at Blockbuster. When VHS gave way to DVD, we had a slew of customers who thought they were being smart by renting a movie, copying it at home, claiming it didn’t work, and trying to get a free rental.

In these instances, we would say:

Me: “Sorry, sir, we can only allow you to rent the same movie again. We can’t rent you another movie.”

Customer: “But it didn’t work!”

Me: “And we apologize. You can rent the same movie again for no extra charge, with an extended rental period.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “To discourage video piracy. Sir, this was also our policy with VHS. It hasn’t changed now that we have DVDs.”

This particular customer seemed extra upset by this, but I didn’t know how far he would take it until he went the extra mile and actually scratched the heck out of every DVD he would rent. He would always blame it on the person who rented it beforehand and kept making remarks like “Oh, you must be running out of copies of this movie, maybe you should rent me another title?” 

Little did he know, we have a record of the number of times the particular copy had been rented before, and his was brand new. He didn’t appreciate my sleuth work or that we charged him to replace it. 

I’m sure he’s somewhere thinking he got the last laugh when we closed down. 

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