(A middle-aged customer returns a DVD.)

Customer: “I want to return this, and I want you to not rent out movies to my son anymore.”

(This is generally a valid request, as our customer cards are transferable and friends and family members can rent in the cardholder’s name if they know the correct PIN. But the cardholder can, of course, put a lock on that, in which case we put a corresponding note in the account. When I scan the DVD to take it back, I see that this is not the case here, as it was rented from the son’s own account. He is 19 years old.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks as if your son is a legal adult and this is his own account. I cannot stop somebody from using his own account, just because somebody else says so.”

(The customer looks at me with a grim expression, but says nothing.)

Me: “That will be 15€, then.”

Customer: “See, that’s what I mean!”

Me: *with a smile* “Well, it’s his account, and his responsibility. You don’t have to pay for him, you know?”

Customer: *grumbles something unintelligible, pays, and leaves*

(People, it’s not my fault that you can’t teach your children to be responsible with money!)

(I work at a convenience store that also offers movie rentals. Note: all of the newest movies are two-day rentals, though some people still believe it’s only one-day. Late fees are the cost of rental compounded by every day it’s late. So the $1.99 new releases cost $1.99 every day they’re late. If someone has a defective disc, they hand it back in person, we fill out a tag for it, and they receive credit for a movie of the same type. A new release for a new release, or an older stock title for a stock title. If a movie is turned in late and the person claims it defective, we can’t give them credit. At most, we can waive the late fee, depending on how late it is.

This particular night is both the one night a week our movies are all very cheap, and it is also the day the truck for the store arrives. So I’ve been running between stocking merchandise for an entire department and renting movies to nearly every regular we have. It’s toward the end of the night, and I am frazzled. A lady hands me a movie to rent, and I notice there’s a late fee in her account.)

Me: Alright, you have a $2.78 late fee from Fifty Shades of Grey.

Customer: *Goes from pleasant to condescendingly sour in a heartbeat* Didn’t you guys GET our NOTE?

Me: *Checks the memo box for their account* I don’t see a note, what happened?

Customer: WELL, it was DEFECTIVE. We couldn’t even see the ENDING.

Me: I see… unfortunately, since it was late, I can’t give you credit for it. The best I can do is wave the late fee.

Customer: Fine, whatever. We didn’t have enough time to watch it and get it back the next day, whatever.

Me: Oh, all of our brand new movies are two days! You have two days to watch it and get it back.

Customer: Yeah well, some of us have LIVES.

(I’m literally stunned by this. She’s fighting me over this late fee on the grounds that ‘people have lives.’ If her life was too busy to watch a movie and return it on time, she probably shouldn’t have rented to begin with. I go to swap for the actual disc while she rants on, now talking about Fifty Shades of Grey itself.)

Customer: I can’t believe I didn’t even get to see the ENDING. Do YOU know how it ends?

Me: *at this point, I’m fed up and really annoyed* God no, I have no desire to watch two hours of emotional abuse.

Customer: *Surprisingly shuts up, pays for her movie (which was a promotional $.79 instead of the usual $1.99) and leaves*

(At least once a week, a customer will call us, irate, telling us they have rented multiple movies and returned them, but now they are getting automated phone calls telling them that one of the movies hasn’t been returned. The vast majority of the calls go exactly like this:)

Customer: “I returned all my movies. You all made a mistake!”

Me: “That’s possible. Let me pull up your account. Is the movie they’re saying you didn’t return [Movie]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, it’s showing that it’s still checked out. Let me check a few places for you. I’m going to put you on hold, okay?”

(I check the shelf for the exact copy of the movie that is missing, as well as the drop box. We literally have a laundry basket holding the movies, so often titles will get missed between the wall and the basket. I also often check the movies waiting to be sorted/returned to the shelf.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve checked all over the place. I’m not finding it here in the store. Is there any chance it could have been missed on accident?”

Customer: “NO! I returned all my movies at once.”

Me: “I understand, sir. Please do me a huge favor, though. Check two places for me: next to your DVD player, and in your car. A lot of times, movies fall down cracks, either behind entertainment centers or in seat cushions. Call me back if you don’t find it, okay?”

Customer: “I won’t find it, because I returned it!”

(The movie would usually be in the drop box within the hour. A few brave souls actually walked it inside and apologized!)

(I get into work to find out that a customer that I had problems with a month ago had stopped in. This customer tried to rent on account that had an ID check required, and we couldn’t get ahold of the person on the account. I let her rent that one time because she had little children with her, but I told her that to rent again she either needs to bring an ID to set up her own account, or she needs to make sure the person gives us a call or is reachable. This time, I am informed that she was in by my employee and from a note from another customer. When we informed her why we couldn’t rent to her, she became very aggressive. She called my employee names and even threatened to be back for her. I get the “a-ok” from a district manager to kick her out of the store.)

Me: “Hi! Did you find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great! What is the number on the account?”

Customer: “DONALD TRUMP!”

Me: “I’m sorry? I need the number for the account.”

Customer: “Donald Trump!”

Me: *laughs* “I’m sorry, what is the number?”

(She tells me the number, but it is a number she bullied a previous employee to change to. We deleted that number due to the fact that she isn’t the account holder and doesn’t have the right to use it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like it isn’t coming up.”

Customer: “Whaaaat? That’s weeeirdd.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry about that. What is the name on the account?”

Customer: “[Account Name].”

Me: “Great! I found it! It looks like I need to see a photo ID.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have one.”

Me: “No worries, I just need to give the account holder a call to make sure it’s okay. Do you know her number?”

Customer: *tells me number*

(As I am beginning to dial it, she starts to rant about how poorly the two other girls have treated her the last two days. She proceeds to call them names to my face, and then finishes it up with, “Not like you give a s***.” While I was all for humoring her to see if maybe she had just been having a bad day before and took it out on my employees, I stop what I am doing and put down the phone.)

Me: “I’m sorry, is your name [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All right, well, I’m really sorry, but this store is no longer going to be able to rent to you. I had customers leave notes and call here earlier today about how you brought a very negative experience to them, and we take a positive atmosphere here very seriously. If you want, I can give you the district manager’s email and you can talk with her about resolving the situation. Until then, you will not be allowed back in the store.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me, my niece and I just walked here in the cold at nine pm at night, and we can’t rent movies?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sorry. Normally, I’d inform you to have a photo ID to set up your own account, but because I had customers complain, I have to ask you never to return.”

Customer: *picks up her niece* “What do we think of this mean lady?”

Niece: *three years old* “You’re a [slur].”

Me: “Okey dokey. Well, here is the email. You know what you need to do.”

(It’s a quiet evening and I am the only staff member on the shop floor. I am a 19-year-old female. Two middle-aged male customers walk into the store. They browse for a bit and then bring a DVD and some snacks to the counter.)

Me: “Good evening. How are you both?”

Customer: “Hi. Just these, please.”

(The customer places the items on the desk, and I ring them through while making general conversation. The transaction goes normally, until this…)

Customer: “So, did it hurt when you got your nipples pierced?”

Me: “Um…”

(I have my nose, ears, and navel pierced, but no other piercings, so I am not sure how to reply to this.)

Customer: “Oh, my God… Nose! I meant, did it hurt when you got your nose pierced?!”

Me: *relieved and trying not to laugh* “Oh! Yes, it did a little, but it wasn’t too bad.”

(I finish the transaction, somehow managing not to dissolve into laughter, and the customers leave the store. At this point, I can no longer keep it in, and burst into laughter, just as my supervisor walks onto the shop floor. I explain to him what just took place.)

Supervisor: “He was probably just trying his hardest not to stare at your chest, and that ended up being a Freudian slip!”