Evil Stepmothers Are Not Christian

, , , , , | Friendly | January 10, 2020

(It is February vacation, which is a week-long break for public schools in New England. My brother and his family visit, since they also have February vacation and my brother has work in Boston. My wife, my brother’s new fiancee — he’s a widower — and our combined five children and I go to a local tourist attraction, a farm and wildlife sanctuary that is open to the public. We are near the chicken coop when my brother’s fiancee just starts yelling at some Indian family nearby.)

Brother’s Fiancee: “Don’t talk about God that way!”

Indian Man: “I was not talking about religion.”

Brother’s Fiancee: “I bet you’re not even Christian!”

Indian Man: “No, I’m not. I fail to see how–”

Brother’s Fiancee: You’re condemning your kids to suffer in Hell.”

(At this point, my identical twin nieces are hugging me, scared.)

Indian Man: *calmly* “I will make a deal with you. I assume you are a Christian. I will live according to my Hindu virtues and you to your Christian ones, of which I believe intolerance of the beliefs of others seems to tragically be one such virtue. Then, when we die, we shall see who goes to Heaven and Hell, though the stakes are higher for you than for me, for neither Hell or Heaven are permanent to me. Should I make a mistake and end up in either, I shall be reborn with another chance to attain the divine.”

(My brother’s fiancee was speechless and walked to the car and waited there alone for a few hours while we finished our sightseeing. That evening, my brother called off the engagement. It appears she had been unpopular with her almost-stepdaughters for a while, making fun of the fact that they look the same, wear glasses, and are second graders, and also insinuating that their mother went to Hell because she was Jewish.)

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What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 7

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2019

(I work at the customer service desk of a department store. Customers normally come to me if there’s damage to an item and they want a discount. Two gentlemen come up to my desk with a metal framed futon, which has been partially opened, but still has the plastic straps around it.)

Customer: “This is open, and I’m not sure if there’s anything wrong with it or missing from it, so I was wondering if I could get 10% off?”

(I proceed to check if the amount is low enough for me to authorize myself. He and his friend are chitchatting, and I catch bits and pieces, but I hear that they are going to ask for more off.)

Me: “All right, I can give you the discount.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “10%.”

Customer: “Can I get the taxes off?”

(I do the math, and it’s more than I’m willing to authorize myself, so I go find a manager. I explain the situation, and she says absolutely not. She says she wouldn’t even give the 10% as there’s nothing wrong with the futon, but I’m free to if I want. I go back to the customer.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, she’s only giving the 10%.”

Customer: “I actually work with the Royal Canadian Legion; I’m a chaplain there. Do you want to ask again?” *slides a business card towards me*

Me: “She’s not going to change her answer; it was a hard no.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks for trying!”

(He was all smiles from then on, thanking me profusely for my help several times. Little did he know that I am in a type of reserves in the Canadian Forces, so was not one for this to be tried on, and using Jesus to try to get a discount on a futon is just tacky.)

Related:
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 6
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 5
What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 4

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Too Late To Save His Bacon  

, , , , | Right | December 29, 2019

(A friend and fellow server have the honor of assisting a thirteen-year-old with his first taste of bacon.)

Guest: *slowly nibbles on a piece of bacon from his sandwich, his eyes grow wide* “I need two more orders of this. Now.”

Friend #1: *to the server* “He can’t have bacon! He’s Muslim…”

Friend #2: “You’re going to Hell, bro.”

Guest: “Too late. May as well go there happy.”

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According To Trump Supporters, This Never Happened

, , , , , | Right | December 27, 2019

(It’s December 27th, 2016. I’m second in line, waiting to check out. The man in front of me has light skin and a shaved head. The clerk is wearing a Star of David, and has been very efficient.)

Clerk: “Your total is [total], sir.”

Customer: “What about my discount?”

Clerk: “What discount do you mean, sir?”

(The man pulls a card from his wallet and brandishes it.)

Customer: “I’m a member here, so I get a 10% discount.”

Clerk: “We don’t have memberships for [Store Chain]. You are showing me a membership card for [Different Chain], sir.”

Customer: “Listen, you [Jewish slur] b****. I want my god-d*** discount now!”

Clerk: “Sir, we do not have a membership. I’m sure that when you stop at [Different Chain], they honor that card.”

Customer: “Trump is in charge now, you know. He’ll round up all you k***s and gas you all, and it can’t happen soon enough.”

Me: *very angrily* “Obama is still in charge until January 20th, you racist piece of s***. I’m tired and want to buy my stuff and get home. Take your crap off the counter and get the f*** out of my way.”

(If looks could kill, the glare he fired me would have left me dead on the floor, but he handed some money to the cashier, got his change, took his stuff, and got out.)

Cashier: *to me, softly* “Thank you. If I had said anything, I’d have been written up for ‘disrespecting a customer.’”

Me: “That’s insane. Your corporate needs to understand that in cases like that, the customer is never right and always an a**-hole.”

(I fired off an angry e-mail to their corporate when I got home demanding they kick racist customers out of the store or I’d stop shopping there.)

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Jesus Found The Old But Gold Comebacks

, , , , , | Right | December 26, 2019

(I work behind the customer service desk for a large supermarket retail chain. I’m kind of a goth girl, and today I wear my Marilyn Manson T-shirt to work. This morning, I am speaking with another cashier before I punch in and have yet to put on my company-issued “work shirt.” Therefore, my Manson t-shirt is visible to everyone. The customer the cashier is waiting on while we are talking happens to notice my T-shirt. She, herself, is wearing a “Jesus Saves” shirt.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I really don’t think it’s appropriate for a young lady to be wearing such filth on a T-shirt to her place of work for customers to see.”

Me: *showing her my work shirt* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I haven’t started my shift yet and I am not yet on the clock. I’ll be putting this on as soon as I punch in.”

Customer: “But isn’t he a Satanist?”

Me: “I’m not sure, to be honest with you, but I like his music and that is my personal opinion.”

Customer: *pauses before handing me a religious pamphlet* “I suggest you find Jesus.”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Why? Is he missing?”

(The customer mumbled something under her breath and left.)

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