That Moviegoing Didn’t Go Very Far

, , , | Right | February 19, 2021

I answer the phone.

Caller: “Hello, sir, may I have a few moments of your time to ask about your moviegoing experience?”

Me: *Suppressing laughter* “Certainly! Though I should note that the last movie I saw in the theater was either the third Lord of the Rings or Master and Commander.”

Both are about ten years old at this point.

Caller: “Thank you, sir, have a nice day.”

I chuckled for two days.

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I Prefer Dean, Personally

, , , , , | Romantic | January 27, 2021

I live with my boyfriend. I also talk in my sleep. One night, I dream that I am making love to my TV crush, and I must be extra talky that night. When I wake up, I realize I am still purring and reaching out for him. My boyfriend is sitting up in bed, sulking.

Boyfriend: “Who’s Sam?”

Me: *Pauses* “Sam Winchester.”

He got annoyed with me and tried to make me jealous by talking about Amy Lee from Evanescence. I just laughed at his jealousy, and he got more annoyed with me, and now the subject of Sam Winchester is forever banned.

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Netflix And Very, Very Not Chill

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2020

A woman who appears to be in her fifties or sixties walks up to me at the box office.

Customer: “When are you guys getting [Movie]?”

Me: “Hmm, I haven’t heard of that one. Do you know when it’s coming out?”

Customer: “It was supposed to come out last week. But you guys didn’t get it.”

Me: “Ah. If it was supposed to come out last week and we didn’t get it then, we probably won’t be getting it. We’re a smaller theater, so we only tend to get the big blockbuster movies.”

The customer immediately becomes shocked and agitated.

Customer: “That’s… that’s not what I’m talking about! This is a big, famous movie! When are you guys getting [Movie]?!”

Me: “Well, as I said, if we didn’t get it opening weekend, we likely won’t be getting it.”

Customer: *Now flat-out shrieking* “THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! WHEN ARE YOU GETTING [MOVIE]?!”

Me: *Thoroughly confused* “Ma’am, again… if we didn’t get it when it opened, we probably won’t be getting it at all.”

The customer — I’m not joking — gasps and clutches her chest. She then backs out of the front door, continuing to shriek.

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

She then quickly walked away, ranting and raving. Curious, I looked up the movie on my phone. It was some random made-for-Netflix movie that had been out on Netflix for two months already. I don’t know why she expected us to get it when it was never intended to be in theaters anyway.

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At Least You’re Not Eating Garbage

, , , , , , | Learning | December 3, 2020

I have to take an art history class that is required for college. One evening, the professor takes note of the sweatshirt I’m wearing.

Professor: “Is that a Keith Haring shirt?”

Me: “Oh, no, but I guess it does kind of look like one, though.”

Professor: “So, what is the design, then?”

I’m embarrassed as h***.

Me: “It’s Danny Devito in his underwear stuck inside a piece of playground equipment.”

Professor: “Oh, I see.”

It’s a reference to “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

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Getting A Master’s Degree In Fierce

, , , , , , , | Related | December 1, 2020

I’m a big fan of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” My mom is a child of the sixties, and I figure she would get a kick out of seeing the challenge where the drag queens perform in a musical where they have to sing and dance as Cher at different stages of her career.

We’re watching together and she seems amused, but it’s sort of like she doesn’t quite get what’s going on. Then, eventually, it clicks…

Mom: “Oh! They’re all men!

Me: “More or less. Why did you think they were all dressed up as Cher? She’s been a gay icon for fifty years.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t know, honey. Your generation does all kinds of strange things. I’ve just learned to smile and nod and let you do whatever makes you happy.”

When “Canada’s Drag Race” became a thing, Mom particularly enjoyed the episode where the queens had to dress up as Celine Dion.

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