Mind-Bottling, Isn’t It?

, , , , , | Romantic | March 17, 2020

(My husband and I are scrolling Netflix trying to find a movie to watch. He finally finds what he’s looking for. I like thrillers and hate most adult comedies. I’m thinking, “‘Blade Runner’? Um, weird, it feels familiar… but negatively…”)

Me: “Well, I have some vague associations with this movie… Are there robots?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Is it silly?”

Husband: “No.”

Me: *makes a face*

Husband: “What?”

Me: “I just feel weird about the movie, like the words mean something to me but I don’t know what.”

Husband: “Look, the title Blade Runner has nothing to do with what actually happens in the movie.”

Me: *still hesitant, makes faces* “I’ll watch it. I just have an odd feeling that I don’t like it, but I don’t remember Harrison Ford at all.”

Husband: “ARE YOU THINKING OF BLADES OF GLORY?!”

Me: “Is it stupid?”

Husband: “It’s silly.”

Me: “Is there… ice skating?”

Husband: “In Blades of Glory, yes.”

Me: “I guess that’s what I was thinking of. Thanks to your logical brain, making sense of my cognitive dissonances.”

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We Sing In A Shadow

, , , , , | Related | March 6, 2020

(I am about to take my first trip to Thailand to visit some friends who live there. Mom comes up to me one evening.)

Mom: “You know what you should do before you leave?”

Me: “What?”

(I’m thinking she’s going to get me to try yet another Thai dish because I’ve been less than enthusiastic about what I’ve tried so far in preparation for this trip.)

Mom: “You should watch The King and I.”

Me: “Uh, you do know that movie is banned in Thailand, right?”

Mom: “It is?”

Me: “Yep. Thai people love that king, and Rodgers and Hammerstein made him look like an idiot.”

Mom: “But it’s a classic love story.”

Me: “It’s still insulting. They love their king over there. They have shrines to him all over the place from what I can tell.”

Mom: “But why ban it? It’s not a documentary.”

(I quickly pull up Google on my phone.)

Me: “Yeah, it looks like all but one version is banned in Thailand. Complaints include Jodie Foster being more prominent on the poster, uh… the king is basically a cowboy on an elephant… Oh, in one version, it says they showed the king using common chopsticks when he should’ve been using a spoon.”

Mom: “That’s it?”

Me: “It’s a crime to insult the king. ‘Violators of the law face a seven-year prison sentence.’”

Mom: “So, I guess you can’t go around singing ‘Getting to Know You.’”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “Well, don’t insult the king while you’re there.”

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Adam Sandler: Uncut (Gems)

, , , , , | Working | February 21, 2020

(At our local arthouse theater, the manager gives a little spiel before the film starts.)

Manager: “And on our other screen, we’re showing [Film], a rare drama starring Adam Sandler. Sandler says if this film isn’t nominated for best picture, he’s going to go out and produce the worst film he can possibly make.”

(Pause.)

Manager: “Of course, he’ll probably do that no matter what’s nominated.”

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A Long Time Ago, In A Final Frontier Far Far Away…

, , , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(I work at a single-screen independent theatre. One day right after Christmas, the phone rings:)

Customer: “I see you’re playing [Critical Favourite Film without a lot of popular interest]. Do you have it on for long?”

Me: “We’re just screening it this week, on [dates].”

Customer: “It’s one of the best films of the year; why aren’t you playing it more?”

Me: “There are many fantastic films and sometimes we have to make tough choices.”

Customer: “Well, is anyone else playing it?”

Me: “I’m not sure if anyone else will be playing it.”

Customer: “I’m out of town this week and no one is playing this movie!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re away, but we are playing [Film].”

Customer: “You just play Star Trek!”

Me: “We’re not playing Star Trek.”

Customer: “Everyone is playing Star Trek for a month straight!”

Me: “Yes, the big theatres are playing Star Wars, but not us.”

(Sorry we didn’t check your schedule before we booked that movie?)

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The Film With No Name

, , , | Working | January 29, 2020

(I am deployed as a worker with a disaster response non-government organization to the site of a recent hurricane. Two of my fellow volunteers have stopped unloading trucks long enough to get some bottled water and sit down for a few minutes. Mind you, it’s day four of the emergency and everyone is exhausted from the extreme heat, humidity, and 14-hour workdays.)

Volunteer #1: *out of the blue* “Did you ever see that Clint Eastwood movie?”

Volunteer #2: “Which one?”

Volunteer #1: “That one where he was in the war.”

Volunteer #2: *after a pause* “I think you need to lie down for a bit.”

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