The Smell Of Cakes And Pies Is Absolutely Everywhere

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A local pizza shop is known for their creative specialty pizzas, and normally have ten or so in a display case to be sold by the slice; because the selection is always changing, it’s common for customers to ask what any given pie is. On my walk to the shop today, it started to snow.)

Me: *walks up to the counter, pointing to a pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing to a different pie* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: *pointing out the window at the falling snow* “There’s white things in the air…”

(The employee looks at me strangely. The gears are turning, but the light bulb hasn’t quite come on yet.)

Me: *pointing to a third pizza* “What’s this?”

Employee: *lists toppings*

Me: “There’s pizza everywhere…” *points to one last pie* “What’s this?”

(At this point, the light bulb went on and the employee burst out laughing… realizing that while I’d gotten two of the lines reversed, I did indeed just run him through the first couple stanzas of “What’s This?” from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”)

No Point Crying Over It

, , , , , , , | Related | January 8, 2018

(I’m watching a children’s animated film with my mum. There is a bit where our heroes are trying to get back to their kingdom and the boy resorts to pretend-crying at the wizard so he will help them.)

Boy Character: *unintelligible crying*

Mum: “What did he say?”

Me: “‘Wahwuhsob.'”

Mum: “Ah, I thought so.”

Bringing A Kid To The Movies Is Not Inconceivable

, , , , , , | Hopeless | January 5, 2018

(It’s the 30th anniversary of one of my favorite movies. My husband, a movie buff himself, gets us tickets, but our sitter cancels at the last minute. Without another alternative, we decide to risk it and bring our three-year-old son along. We’re able to get a ticket for the seat right next to those we already bought, and plan to take turns taking him out if he interferes with anyone else’s enjoyment of the movie. To our delight, he’s very well-behaved and only needs to go out once, to use the restroom. The movie is nearly over, and we’re watching the climactic sword fight between two brilliant swordsman.)

Inigo: *on screen* “I want my father back, you son of a b****.” *stabs his opponent*

(There’s a moment of silence where the impact of this hits the audience, which is exactly when my son gasps.)

Son: “OH, NO!”

(The whole theater cracks up laughing, and it just ruins the dramatic tension built up over the previous 90 minutes. I am horribly embarrassed, and quickly vow never to bring him to the theater again. We start to head out once the show is over.)

Patron: *spots my son* “Hey, is that the kid who…?”

Me: “Yes. I’m so sorry!”

Patron: “Naw, it was hilarious!” *crouches down to the kid’s level* “Give me five, little buddy! That was awesome!”

(Several others overheard, and also hastened to reassure us that they found it humorous. In fact, we didn’t receive a single negative reaction. Not even so much as a glare. Still, not planning to bring the kid to the theater again any time soon. But thank you, theater patrons, for having a heart!)

There’s A Reason “Fan” Comes From Fanatic

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 1, 2018

(I’m filling up at a motorway petrol station. As I enter the kiosk, I recognise an actor who plays a rather notorious character on a popular soap opera making his way to the register.)

Actor: *to cashier* “Pump four, please, mate. And could I also get—”

Customer: “YOU!”

(A belligerent-looking customer storms up to the actor, inches away from his face.)

Customer: “How dare you! I know what you did to [Female Soap Character]! I’m calling the police!” *to cashier* “Detain this man! He’s a known thug and a thief, and—”

Actor: *adapting a more exaggerated London accent* “‘Ang about; did you say [Female Soap Character]?”

Customer: “Well, yes! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

Actor: “Nah, nah! You must be confusing me with my cousin is all.”

Customer: “Your cousin?”

Actor: “Yeah, [Notorious Soap Character]. You can tell us apart because ‘is skin looks ‘ealthier, and ‘e keeps ‘iself groomed a lot better.”

Customer: *squints* “My God, you’re right! You look nothing like him! I’m terribly sorry. Look, I don’t mean to pry, but you should stay away from your cousin; he’s a very bad man!”

(The customer turns to leave the station. When she disappears the actor shakes his head and turns to the cashier.)

Actor: “Twenty years of doing this, you learn how to deal with people like them.”

They’re Already A Sore Loser

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 29, 2017

(This occurs when I am in college. I enter my dorm and I am walking to my room when I pass one of my housemates. Note that I am wearing a t-shirt with the sentence, “How about a nice game of chess?” on it, a reference to the movie “WarGames.”)

Housemate: “Hey, I didn’t know you played chess!”

Me: “What?” *looks down at my shirt* “Oh, no. It’s a movie reference. You ever seen WarGames?”

Housemate: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Well, uh, okay. See ya.”

Housemate: “So, do you want to play chess with me?”

Me: “Nah, I don’t play chess. I’m terrible at it.”

Housemate: *suddenly becomes hostile* “Well, you know, you really shouldn’t be wearing that shirt if you don’t play chess! You’re giving people the wrong idea about you!” *walks into his room and slams the door*

Me: *weakly* “It’s… a movie reference?”

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