Bang Bang, They Shot That Down

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2019

As my grandfather, Bill, had just passed three days earlier, my sister, her husband and I pack in a car for a six-hour drive.

I’m listening to my music and my sister waves to get my attention. She and her husband were talking and her husband had said that my grandmother and all of us should watch Kill Bill.

Took him a second before he realized what he said.

Grooted In Reality

, , , | Related | January 16, 2019

(My dad is away on business, so I go over to my parents’ house to keep my mom company. My mother is notorious in our family for HATING any films with excess CGI, but she demands that we watch something “easy and brainless” so I put on “Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2” and hope for the best. Fast forward to the next day and my dad coming home. He and I are standing in the kitchen talking and listening to music when my mom comes dancing in.)

Mom: *happily, while dancing around* “I am Grout!”

Me: “‘Groot,’ Mama. You’re ‘Groot.’”

Mom: *happy and still dancing* “I am Groot!”

(My mother dances back out of the room. My father turns to me with a bewildered look on his face.)

Dad: “Is your mom high?!”

(I cracked up. Much to my surprise, my mother had really enjoyed the movie… Especially Baby Grout — er — Groot!)

Amityville Is Still Causing Problems

, , , | Right | January 14, 2019

(I am the manager on duty and working by myself in a video rental store when a customer comes in in the early morning. Immediately I notice the blanketed bundle she is cradling like a baby.)

Customer: *distraught* “I rented a couple of movies and one of them was so disturbing, I couldn’t watch it! I wrapped both up and put them in your dropbox.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, what can I do for you?”

(I can hear the rising panic in her voice and it’s freaking me out a little.)

Customer: “I’m just so disturbed; it was awful! Could I get a refund?”

Me: “Let me look into your account and see what I can do.”

(I see that her bundle is, in fact, a plastic statue of the Virgin Mary. I bring up her account and figure out the disturbing movie was the remake of “The Amityville Horror.” It spooked me, too, but nowhere near as badly as the customer. I think it will be best to do as she asks, since she is so agitated and in turn making me nervous.)

Me: “Okay, if you like I can give you a refund, or I can put credit on your account for a free rental later.”

Customer: “I’ll take the credit. But please warn people about that movie!”

Me: “I know, it was a very scary movie.” *makes the adjustment to her account* “You’re all set. I even credited both movies for your trouble.”

Customer: *looking a little relieved but still clutching her Mary statue tightly* “Thank you, and God bless!”

(It was certainly one of the odder encounters I’ve had!)

Getting To The Guts Of The Show

, , , , , | Related | January 14, 2019

(I am living back home with my mother after my divorce. Our bedrooms are right next to each other, and we have our own TVs. I’m a horror buff, while she prefers crime dramas — CSI, Law & Order, etc. — and shuns anything remotely gory. This exchange happens as we’re shouting to each other between rooms.)

Character On Crime Drama: “The victim was eviscerated…”

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], what does ‘eviscerated’ mean?”

Me: “Gutted like a fish!”

Mom: “Okay, thanks!” *changes channel quickly*

Spinning A Tale About Dad

, , , , , | Related | January 11, 2019

(I’m watching an old TV show called “Talespin” from the way-early 90s. The main character, Baloo, has just been hurt — in a cartoon way — and blasted off-screen.)

Dad: *from one floor up and over a room* “Oh, God!”

(He was watching the Cotton Bowl game, but it was just perfect timing.)

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