POTC: Unmade Films Tell No Tales

, , , , , | Right | April 17, 2018

(It is around October in 2014.)

Customer: “Do you have the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie?”

Me: *assuming he means the fourth film, which is the latest one* “Of course. It’s right over here.” *I pick up a copy of “On Stranger Tides”*

Customer: “Nah, I mean the new one. The fifth one.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not out yet.”

Customer: “When will you have it in?”

Me: “Well, I think I heard that they’re going to be filming it next year, and that it’s due to be released in 2017.”

Customer: “But when will you have it in?”

Me: “Um… In 2017, probably.”

Snakes In A Drain

, , , , , | Friendly | April 13, 2018

When I was 16, I had the opportunity to go on a multi-city European trip with two of my best friends, their parents, and a few other adults. One friend was my age, and her younger sister was 13. We arrived in Rome during the first leg of the trip and went straight to the hotel, since it was already pretty late. The younger sister called dibs on using the shower first. So, the older sister and I decided to turn the TV on to find a weather report for the next day. This was before smartphones, and there was no guest-use computer in the hotel that we knew of.

When we turned the TV on, it happened to be on a channel showing an Italian-dubbed version of the 1997 movie Anaconda, right at a part when the giant snake pops out of the water hissing and people start shouting, etc. Next thing we knew, we heard [Younger Sister] screaming her head off in the bathroom. She came running out, soaking wet and barely holding a towel over herself, screaming, “There’s a snake in the bathroom!”

The older sister and I looked at each other, and then we looked at the TV. I ran into the bathroom, and sure enough, there was a speaker in the ceiling that could have easily been mistaken for an air vent. The previous occupant had also apparently turned the volume all the way up.

I laughed so hard I cried, and the older sister practically rolled off the bed. [Younger Sister] was pretty mad at us, even though we had no way of knowing there was a speaker in the bathroom or that Anaconda would be the first thing on TV when we turned it on, but she didn’t speak to us again until the next day.

We’re all now in our 20s, and I recently reminded both of them about that story. The younger sister can laugh about it now!

Sadly, He’s A Part Of Your Future

, , , | Right | April 4, 2018

(One of our regulars is an old man notorious for talking to anybody and everybody in the shop about his opinions on politics and religion. For fun, I have put up a little sign that says, “Happy ‘Back to the Future’ Day! OCT 21 2015 07 28,” because it is now the date that Marty, Doc, and Jennifer traveled to in the movie.)

Regular: “So, what’s going on with ‘Back to the Future’?”

Me: “Well, have you seen Back to the Future?”

Regular: “What?”

Me:Back to the Future.”

Regular: *nonplussed*

Me: “Have you seen that movie?”

Regular: “Nah, I don’t go to movies.”

(He then puts his head down and proceeds to act as though he does not care to hear or understand me while I briefly explain why I put the sign up.)

Regular: “They haven’t made a good movie since [Movie Title I have never heard of]. They don’t make ’em that way anymore.”

(I proceed to ring him up.)

Regular: “Hate to tell you that, but…”

Me: “Well…”

Regular: “Don’t buy into their garbage.”

(He looked at me as though he was really pleased to have “burst my bubble,” and walked away.)

It’s Probably A Jennifer Lawrence Movie

, , , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(In the heyday of the video rental industry, I work at one of the largest national chains. As a big-time film geek, I can often figure out what title an individual is seeking with only the most basic of information.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a movie, and that guy over there—” *points to coworker* “—says I should talk to you.”

Me: “Okay, maybe I can help. Is it a new release or an older film?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Did it come out recently, say, in the last year or two, or is it older?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, that will give me some insight as to where it is in the store.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know when it came out.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what it’s about?”

Customer: “Not really. It just looked good.”

Me: *trying a different tactic* “Do you know who’s in it?”

Customer: “It’s that girl. The one that’s in all those other movies.”

(I can feel my blood pressure rising.)

Me: “I’m afraid I’ll need a little more information than that. Do you know her name, or what other movies she’s been in?”

Customer: *shakes her head* “No. Your coworker said you could help me.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m trying, but you’re not giving me much to work with. Can you give me some idea as to what the movie is about?”

Customer: *groaning* “It’s about a girl who goes home.”

Me: *just taking a stab* “Is it Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael?”

Customer: *seemingly appalled* “No! I don’t even know what that is! Look. Are you going to help me or not? I’m looking for that movie. It’s about a girl who goes home!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that could be any number of movies on our shelves.”

Customer: *shouting* “No, it couldn’t! It’s about a girl who goes home, and it’s got that girl who’s been in those other movies! You’re no help!”

(And with that, she stormed off.)

Quentin Tarantino’s Muppet Fiction

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”

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