Only Getting The Most Important Information

, , , , , , | Related | November 19, 2018

(My family is watching a movie. My teenage sister steps out for a while.)

Sister: “What did I miss?”

Mom: “[Character] was killed in battle, and [Brad Pitt’s character] went nuts. He stripped off his uniform, charged the enemy lines, and came back with a bunch of German scalps.”

Sister: *pause* “Brad Pitt was naked?

Following The Word Of The Law

, , , , , | Related | October 26, 2018

When I was in middle school, I was watching a TV show with my dad. It had Penn and Teller in it and had some rough language, but I found it funny and begged to watch it with him. My mom has always felt strongly about that kind of language, so she was less than pleased.

Eventually a line came up that included the words, “litigious motherf*****s,” and my mom put her foot down. I tried to insist that I wasn’t learning any new words from the show, so it wasn’t a big deal. My dad turned to me and asked, “What does ‘litigious’ mean?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t get to watch the show anymore.

They’re All Better Than “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

, , , , , | Working | October 23, 2018

(I’m a receptionist at a local business. Like most front offices, there is a TV that stays on continuously during the day. It is a newer flat screen TV, probably around three years old. We usually put it on TV Land, HGTV, etc. But today it is on TCM, which plays old, classic movies. Of course, a lot of older movies are in black and white. I’m sitting out front, and one of my bosses walks by to get to the elevator. You have to pass the TV to get to the elevator.)

Boss: *looks up at the TV and shakes his head* “I’ve never understood why we have a black and white television.”

Standard Deviation Has Died

, , , , | Friendly | October 19, 2018

(I’m explaining to a coworker during coffee break what my pet peeves are:)

Me: “My pet peeve is when in a movie there’s an airplane tumbling out of the sky, and a child turns to their father to ask, ‘Are we going to die?’ and the dad says, ‘NO, of course not!’ Of course we’re going to die! We’re all going to die! Maybe not today, but we’re all going to die!”

Coworker: *starting to smirk* “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Statistics. Literally many billions of people have lived on this earth, and none of them have grown much older than a hundred years. Everybody dies.”

Coworker: “Statistics, you say? Well… there are currently literally billions of people alive, including you and me, and literally none of them have ever died before… so…”


Not A Ghost Of A Chance Of Winning This Argument

, , , , , | Related | October 18, 2018

(This is after my mother announces that she’s going to buy me a copy of the all-women “Ghostbusters” for my birthday, a movie we saw together in theaters and really liked.)

Dad: “Oh, come on! That movie BOMBED. It was the WORST Ghostbusters movie, hands down.”

Me: “Dad, everyone knows the second movie was the worst one.”

Dad: “Have you even SEEN Ghostbusters 2?”

Me: “Nope, and you haven’t seen the reboot. See how ridiculous you sounded?”

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