Having A Frosty Reception

, , , , | Learning | September 16, 2018

(I am in primary school. My teacher tells us that we are watching the movie “Jack Frost” at Christmas. I am not that much of a fan of the 1998 movie, but for me it is a passable story. However, when our teacher sits us down to watch it, I notice it looks very different.)

Classmate #1: “Er, [Teacher], I think the beginning’s different.”

Teacher: “No, it’s normal. Just sit back and watch this.”

Classmate #2: *voice getting high-pitched* “Miss, please turn it off!”

(The narrator is talking about gory stuff, DEFINITELY unsuitable for ten-year-olds.)

Me: “[Teacher], this ISN’T Jack Frost!”

(The teacher holds up the video case.)

Teacher: *in a sarcastic tone* “Oh, silly me! I must have picked up the horror movie by mistake! Oh, well–” *pauses the video* “–maybe you should learn from my lesson — after all, this is a school environment — and actually read what’s on the back of a box before picking it up. But that’s enough. Let’s get back to watching it, shall we?”

(She made us watch it for another ten minutes. I counted by looking at the clock on the wall, before the bell rang for break. We couldn’t run out of there fast enough. Some of us were crying, and one of us spent the entire breaktime on the toilet. When our headmistress came in to talk to the teacher, she simply smiled sweetly and asked her to look around. The headmistress couldn’t find any trace of the video. Instead, she found the Jack Frost movie that I thought we were going to watch. She had just fast-forwarded to a part where there was a car crash and said that this scared us. She never carried out this sort of prank again, but I think she was angry that some of us had failed in our recent test by not reading all of the information on the sheet. We were all terrified of her for the rest of the year, but after that she didn’t act horrible once.)

 

Reading Into The Gradual Lack Of Reading In This Country

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I volunteer at a small independent film theater in my city. We are showing a John LeCarre spy thriller).

Woman: *comes out shortly after movie starts* “I’M IN THE WRONG MOVIE! THIS IS JUST SOME COUPLE IN A CAR TALKING IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND IT HAS SUBTITLES! THIS ISN’T THE MOVIE I CAME TO SEE!”

(An employee and I go in and check the theater, reading the opening credits; they are consistent with the movie poster in the lobby. As we walk out, the couple in the movie are shot and killed by a border guard.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is the correct movie. The credits are the same as the movie poster, so it’s the right movie and the couple in the car just got killed, so they’re gone.”

Woman: “Well, all right, but I JUST CAN’T DO SUBTITLES! IT’S TOO HARD!”

(She went back into the theater. Twenty minutes later she came out again and stalked out of the exit. I guess there were more subtitles.)

Customers Are Like Angels With Filthy Souls

, , , , | Right | September 10, 2018

(I have a friend who is not well versed in ‘90s and early ‘00s pop culture references. She works delivery for a pizza chain, and prides herself on being prompt and accurate with orders. One December night, she approaches a house and, after a fairly pleasant exchange with the customer, this happens:)

Customer: *throws money at her and slams door shut* “KEEP THE CHANGE, YA FILTHY ANIMAL!”

Friend: “UM?”

(Not knowing what’s happening, she texts me.)

Friend: “I don’t know how to feel right now. And I quote: ‘Keep the change you filthy animal!’?”

Me: *after I finish dying laughing* “It’s a Home Alone reference.”

Friend: “Really? I was traumatized.”

Doesn’t Have To Be A Judgemental Universe

, , , , , | Right | August 23, 2018

(A customer comes up to the counter. He’s a man in his twenties, kind of rugged-looking, and is wearing a t-shirt with a popular sports logo on it. He puts a pink shirt, a star-shaped stencil, a can of yellow fabric spray paint, and a huge pink plastic gem on the counter. Being a massive fan of the cartoon “Steven Universe,” I immediately recognize these items as key components for making a cosplay of the main character. Since it’s rare to find fellow Steven Universe fans in my age group, especially fellow guys, I decide to strike up a conversation regarding the show.)

Me: “So, are you excited for the new Steven Universe episode tonight?”

Customer: *looks startled and a bit embarrassed* “Wh-what? No, no way, man. That show’s for kids. This is for, uh, my little sister.”

(Note that the shirt is an adult large. I don’t want to embarrass the guy, so I go along with it.)

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(As I finish ringing him up, his cell phone goes off… and his ringtone is the “Steven Universe” theme song. The guy’s face goes scarlet, and he scrambles to power his phone off.)

Me: *smiles in what I hope is a reassuring way* “No judgement, dude. I’m as big a fan as your ‘sister.’ Enjoy!”

The Infinity Aisle

, , , , , | Working | August 16, 2018

(While sitting in the break room, I hear this conversation taking place surrounding the latest “Avengers” movie.)

Coworker #1: “Man, if I had the Infinity Gauntlet, I’d snap my fingers and have my aisle stocked instantly!”

Coworker #2: “Hold on. You’re telling me you’d use the power to do literally anything you wanted just for that? How short-sighted can you possibly be?!”

Coworker #1: *imitating* “The powers of the universe are at my command!” *snaps fingers* “My aisle is stocked; I’m going home to play video games. Can anybody give me a ride?”

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