Being Handsome Can Cover Many Offenses

, , , , | Related | July 4, 2020

My mom and I are watching a movie where some good-looking guy is crazy and is sniping off people in a tower while cackling. He gets up to use a bottle and pees in it madly with an insane grin.

Mom: “Ew… did he just pee in the bottle??”

Me: “Yeah.”

Mom: “Disgustang!

Me: “That’s what disgusts you?!”

Mom: “Well, the shooting people part is gross, too. But [Actor] is cute so…” *trails off, mumbling*

We All Have That One Show We’d Die For

, , , , , , | Related | July 2, 2020

My mum has a severe lung condition which causes her to get very out of breath from walking any faster than a turtle on land. We both enjoy watching the old crime drama “Poirot,” and we have seen every episode multiple times. Or so we thought.

Mum’s left the TV on a channel playing “Poirot” reruns, disappearing off to do something upstairs after one episode ends – she’s not precious about making sure she’s there to see another since she’s seen them all. I’m doing other things whilst in the same room when the next one starts. It takes a hot minute for me to realise that I can’t place this episode

Me: *Yelling* “Mum, do you remember the Poirot episode where a girl dressed as a bumblebee is drowned in an apple-bobbing tub at a Hallowe’en party?”

Mum: *Distantly* “What?”

Me: “A bumblebee girl getting murdered.”

There’s a bang, followed by frantic footsteps as she runs downstairs and into the living room and flies to her seat. As a result, she’s bent forward in her chair and is “whistling,” a bad sign that she’s not taking in enough air, so I rush up and get her inhaler.

Me: *Alarmed* “Why did you just do that?!”

Mum: Poirot… I’ve… not… seen!

Me: “It’s not worth killing yourself over!”

Mum: Yes, it is!

She was fine. I was very anxious for about twenty minutes until her breathing normalised, and I scolded her — after the episode — for being stupid with her health.

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The Odd People Are Never In Your Favor

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2020

It’s around the time that “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2” hits theaters. I’m wearing the pin from the first movie, and I’m in the store. It is to be noted that I’ve seen at least three other people in the store this day alone with some kind of Mockingjay on their persons, and a couple of others with just “Hunger Games” promos, no pin. I run into a friend of mine, and we get to chatting; she is not wearing any “Hunger Games” attire.

All of a sudden, this older woman comes marching up to me, scowling. I immediately take notice of her because of her body language.

Woman: “You! Get your propaganda filth out of here. I’ve seen your kind running all about this past few days and I will not stand to see it!”

She whirls to my friend.

Woman: “Don’t let them corrupt you! They’re trying to corrupt this nation with their…”

She goes on some politically-charged rant which I tune out, because I’m trying to find store workers or a manager.

The woman whirls back and tries to rip the pin off my shirt. Thankfully, I am paying attention, and I step back and slap her hand away. She then runs off, and in that time, a store worker comes to put items back on the shelf and notices my pin.

Worker: “Hey! I like your pin!”

He pulls aside his safety vest, I assume from pushing carts or something, and shows another version of the pin attached to his work shirt. I am about to warn him of this lady when she comes marching back with a manager. My friends collectively mutter, “Oh, s***,” under our breaths.

The manager is about to ask what the heck is going on, and the woman looks at the store worker, goes pale, and promptly whirls around and runs away while yelling.

Woman: “I can’t believe you let them work here. They’re going to corrupt this country! I’m never coming back!”

We all just stood there for a couple of moments, and after I explained what happened, the manager and the employee laughed at how crazy the situation was.

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He’s Lucky Barney Fife Wasn’t There

, , , , , | Working | June 9, 2020

I’m working on set as an assistant director on a TV series. Part of my job is to keep the cast happy, and that sometimes includes getting coffee for them. One episode has us spending days across from a coffee shop that I frequent many times during our time there. A few days in, one of the actors — who is playing a guest-star bad guy — asks to come with me and I shrug sure.

As we enter the tiny, independent establishment, two patrons sitting lazily at tables, I approach the woman behind the counter who’s served me often before and her face suddenly changes to shock and horror as she looks over my shoulder.

I turn to see that my actor has pulled his massive prop gun from under his coat.

Actor: “This is a holdup!”

I leap at him, pressing the gun to his rather large chest — I’m a woman and not even close to his size — and yell:

Me: “No, no, no! He’s with me! This is not a holdup!”

I push him to the door, the gun still to his chest, kind of pointing at one of the patrons. Everyone is standing now and I can’t get him out the door myself, but he gives up his “joke” and heads outside.

Me: “What is wrong with you? Get back to the prop department and give them your gun!”

The actor slinks off and I turn back to everyone still in the small shop.

Me: “I am so sorry. I had no idea he brought his gun.”

The barista knew that what happened wasn’t my fault and took my order. The two patrons calmed down pretty quickly as it was really obvious that we were filming shoot-outs across the road, and they went back to their drinks.

The actor and I never talked about the incident, but who in their right mind thinks that waving a huge gun around in public is a good idea?

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Watching A Movie Through The Eyes Of A Child

, , , , | Working | June 5, 2020

I am a babysitter to a four-year-old girl. She, like many small children, is obsessed with Disney movies, particularly one about an ice queen. She enjoys talking about the intricacies of the plot and scenes she likes, but her memory isn’t that great, so she will often ask for assistance to remember the details. However, her understanding of how memory works is… flawed.

Child: “Hey, [My Name], do you remember [very small portion of a non-important scene]?”

Me: “I don’t remember that one specifically, no.”

Child: “But you said you’ve seen this movie!”

Me: “I have, but not for a while.” 

Child: *After a pause* “There.” 

Me: “What, ‘there’?”

Child: “I’ve stopped thinking about it. Now you can have it.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Child: “I’m not seeing the movie in my head anymore. That way you can see it.”

Me: “That’s… not the way it works.”

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