Retail: The Final Frontier

, , , , , , , | Working | April 28, 2021

It’s late 2009 and a famous movie rental chain is on its way out, so the local branches are selling off their inventory before they close down for good. I missed seeing the first “Star Trek” reboot movie in theaters, so I decide to see if I can snag a discounted copy of the DVD to watch at home.

For those who don’t follow “Star Trek” closely, the first six movies made in the 1970s to 1990s all had numbers II to VI in their titles, besides the first movie, and they were based on the crew of the original series. The next four movies featured the crew from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and they dropped the movie numbers from the official titles — probably to avoid newer fans of “Star Trek” thinking they needed to watch six older movies to catch up before seeing “Star Trek Generations” in theaters.

Since the first of the reboot movies was just called, “Star Trek,” fans sometimes refer to it as “Star Trek XI” to identify what we are talking about.

The store is pretty cluttered as they have been working to get rid of as much stuff as possible.

Me: “Excuse me, do you have any copies of Star Trek XI left?”

Employee #1: *Confused* “There were only six Star Trek movies ever made.”

Me: “No, there’ve been eleven. There’s a mural dedicated to the latest one right behind you!”

The employee slowly turns around to look at the entire wall of the store with the new NCC-1701 painted on it before slowly turning back to stare at me, confused.

Employee #2: “He’s talking about the new one that came out last summer.”

Employee #1: “Oh.”

The first employee went into a closet and retrieved the DVD I requested, which I then purchased.

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What Can I Say (When My Foot Is In My Mouth)

, , , , | Related | April 23, 2021

I have a three-year-old daughter who is obsessed with “Moana,” specifically the song “You’re Welcome.” At any given moment she is likely to be belting it out. Unfortunately, she has also picked up a line from the film where Maui says, “What can I say except, ‘You’re dead soon.’”

After an uneventful shop, punctuated by out-of-tune verses from “Moana,” we are being checked out by an older woman who is trying to get my daughter to talk to her.

She hands a chocolate to my daughter.

Cashier: “And what do we say now?”

Without missing a beat, my daughter takes the treat and says:

Daughter: “You’re dead soon!” 

The cashier looked terrified and mortified, and I prayed for the ground to swallow me! Thankfully, the cashier saw the funny side, and now when we see her, she waves and says, “I’m still here!”

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They Grow Up So Fast And Furious

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2021

Customer: “I have a complaint.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “This!”

She holds up a copy of “The Fast And The Furious.”

Customer: “This is too violent for my child! Why didn’t the employee tell me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you catch the employee’s name?”

Customer: “No, but she should have told me!”

Me: “Did you have your child with you at the time?”

Customer: “No! I came here doing my weekly shopping, and I decided to get a movie because my son’s been so good lately.”

Me: “How old is your child?”

Customer: “Seven!”

Me: “We have many movies that are more appropriate for seven-year-olds. May I recommend [New Movie] or [Other Movie]? Tell you what: we’ll do a return and you can pick out another movie.”

Customer: “Any movie?”

Me: “Any movie that costs however much you paid for The Fast And The Furious.”

We did the return and she chose “Angry Birds.”

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Never Relinquish Your Sword For A Ring!

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2021

A friend comes over for movie night. I want a period piece and he wants to stay awake. We compromise with “Pride And Prejudice And Zombies,” that most delightful tribute to the spirit of Miss Austen’s wonderful women and their zombie-slaying abilities. We are both single and very platonic male-female friends. A common bond is that our jobs leave us no time to date and acceptance of our eternal bachelor(ette)-hood.

A scene comes up where the women are getting ready for a dance, which includes lots of shots of knives being hidden under garments on shapely legs in boots, and guns in bustiers.

Friend: “There, that’s all I want! Is that too much to ask?”

Me: *Pauses* “You mean, a woman who is incredibly attractive, the essence of feminine, yet can still kill you with a hairpin?”

Friend: “Yes! Exactly! And who can cook!”

Me: “Yes, [Friend], that is too much to ask.”

He enjoyed the movie.

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That Moviegoing Didn’t Go Very Far

, , , | Right | February 19, 2021

I answer the phone.

Caller: “Hello, sir, may I have a few moments of your time to ask about your moviegoing experience?”

Me: *Suppressing laughter* “Certainly! Though I should note that the last movie I saw in the theater was either the third Lord of the Rings or Master and Commander.”

Both are about ten years old at this point.

Caller: “Thank you, sir, have a nice day.”

I chuckled for two days.

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