(Girl walks up to the desk looking around, confused. It is Ash Wednesday, and I work at a Catholic university.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Girl: “Yes, can I ask you a question?”
Me: “Sure.”
Girl: “Why does everyone have crosses on their foreheads?”
Me: “…it’s Ash Wednesday.”
Girl: “Oh. I thought they were part of a cult or something.”
A customer walks in.
Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”
Customer: “Have you prayed today?”
Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to Hell.”
Me: “Wow, okay.”
Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”
Me: “FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*
(The customer walked out. This was one of those crazy regulars who come in for whatever and are always talking about Jesus. If anybody else had been in the store, I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing, but it was too much to pass up.)
(I work in a deli at a grocery store.)
Me: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”
Me: “How thin do you want that?”
Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”
Me: “Um… okay?”
(It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)
Me: “Here you go.”
Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”
Me: “Okay…”
(I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)
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(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids from next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy comes up right away and just stands there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)
Me: “Do you take communion yet?”
Boy: “Do those have peanuts?”
Me: “?”
Boy: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”
Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”
Boy: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”
Me: “How about we just give you a blessing, then?”
(I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing.)
Boy: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”
(I wonder if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case.)
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(We are a prepay station. A little old lady walks in.)
Lady: “So what, I can’t get gas now because so many idiots drive off? What kind of world do we live in that a Christian doesn’t get treated right?”
Me: “… I’m sorry, Ma’am, we lost over 75,000 gallons of gas last year due to drive-offs.”
Lady: “This is just stupid. Why don’t you just turn the d*** pump on? I’m filling up, I don’t know how much it’s going to take.”
Me: “Ma’am, you can either leave your keys, a credit card, or an ID, and I’ll be more than happy to turn the pump on.”
(The lady hands me a $20 bill.)
Me: “Alright, I’ll just prepay this 20, and it’ll shut off for you when it hits 20.”
Lady: “No no no. That’s my down payment. Turn the pump on and I’ll come pay the rest.”
(I sigh and turn the pump on, I’m really not supposed to, but at least I’ll have some money to put towards it if she drives away. The lady goes out and pumps her gas, comes back in to pay.)
Lady: “One day, the Lord is going to come down and smite everybody who doesn’t respect the Christians who live by the rules.”
Man Behind Her: “I’m going to be a good Atheist and prepay my gas. $15 on pump 3, please, and thank you.”
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